Who's the Boss?-- Season Nine
by amythis
Summary: From the Fall '92 Preview issue of "TV Guide": For eight years the "will they or won't they?" tension between Tony Micelli and Angela Bower has driven "Who's the Boss?" The still popular sitcom returns with a resounding "You bet they will!" But Tony and Angela's "happily ever after" will be complicated by family, friends, and surprise guest stars.
1. Savor the Beef

_TV Guide_ capsule for Saturday, Sept. 26, 1992:

**9 PM Who's the Boss?—Comedy**

SEASON PREMIERE: Tony has returned to Angela but is it as her housekeeper, her fiancé, or what?

Scene I: At the foot of the stairs, evening

(Tony is in his black tuxedo, Angela in her old pink robe, her hair in a towel "turban.")

ANGELA: (smiling) So what are your qualifications?

TONY: (a little shyly) Uh, well, um. (He takes her in his arms and they kiss passionately. Then he moves his head back and looks into her eyes, waiting.)

ANGELA: (softly) You got the job.

TONY: (amused and a little cocky) No kiddin'. (They resume kissing. He undoes her towel, so that her wet hair cascades down like a mermaid's. He stops kissing to look at her.) You're so beautiful! I love you. You're so beautiful.

ANGELA: You just said that.

TONY: I always say it twice.

ANGELA: Right. I remember.

TONY: So, Angela, what do you say we go upstairs to your room, put the lights on low, play some romantic music, warm our feet in front of the crackling fire, and then…. (He whispers in her ear. She shivers and sighs happily.)

ANGELA: Oh, Tony, I want to, but—

TONY: I know, this is kind of sudden, me showing up out of nowhere, with no warning. And we probably need to talk things out more and—

ANGELA: No, Tony, it's not that. It's just—

TONY: Oh, I get it. You're seeing another guy.

ANGELA: No, quite the opposite! It's just, well.

TONY: Yeah?

ANGELA: (embarrassed) I need to shave my armpits.

TONY: Oh, then you're definitely not seeing someone. Unless by "opposite" you meant you've switched teams.

ANGELA: No, I want to play on your team. But I need to do some basic grooming.

TONY: Angela, I'm Italian, so I'm not too upset about body hair. I mean, I'm not French, but as long as you don't have a mustache—

ANGELA: Thank you, Tony. But I'll feel more comfortable if I shave.

TONY: OK. Then I'll go pay the cabbie.

ANGELA: You left the meter running all this time?

TONY: Well, you might've kicked me out, so I wasn't taking any chances.

ANGELA: I want you to stay.

TONY: Good. I want to stay. (They look at each other and seem about to kiss again, but he breaks away.) Let me just pay the fare.

ANGELA: (nodding) I'll be back as soon as I can. (She heads up the stairs. He watches her go, looking like he's tempted to follow, but he sighs and turns to the door. But before he can exit, someone knocks.)

TONY: I'll get it. (shaking his head) Just like old times. (He sets his award down at the desk and then opens the door to the cabbie, who's played by Andy Kaufman, who didn't die in this parallel universe. The cabbie is carrying Tony's suitcase.)

CABBIE: (in a high voice with an unidentifiable foreign accent) Is it okay? Is your fiancée yours again?

TONY: (smiling) Yeah, she's mine.

CABBIE: Good, because I have to get back to New York City and I cannot stay here and wait for you to woo her back.

TONY: (taking the suitcase) That's OK.

CABBIE: You know, all the way from the airport, I have been trying to figure out who you are.

TONY: Yeah, I get that a lot. I'm Tony Micelli. I played second base for the St. Louis Cardinals.

CABBIE: No, that's not it.

TONY: (setting down the suitcase) Oh-kay.

CABBIE: Tony, Tony, Tony. I know! You are Tony Banta the boxer.

TONY: Sure, Pal, whatever. (taking out his wallet) Here. (handing the cabbie some money) This should cover the fare and the tip.

CABBIE: Thank you very much! (He turns to go and then looks out the door. He points excitedly.) Elaine! Elaine Nardo!

TONY: (as the cabbie runs off) No, that's Diane Wilming—Never mind. (He shakes his head and shuts the door. Then he puts away his wallet.) So do I wait for her down here? Or do I go up and unpack? Or do I—?

MONA: (offscreen) Angela?

TONY: Or do I face Mona?

MONA: (entering from the kitchen, dressed for a casual party) Angela, are you ready yet? Hank is— (She stops dead in her tracks at the sight of Tony.) Going to be surprised.

TONY: (trying to be casual) Hey, Mone, how's it goin'?

MONA: Oh, the usual. You?

TONY: (picking it up) I got an award.

MONA: (going to him) What, Bonehead of the Year?

TONY: Not quite. (He hands it to her.)

MONA: (reading it) "Outstanding New Teacher of the Year." And you had to come all the way back to Connecticut to show it off? Without changing out of your tux first?

TONY: Well, you get better service on the flight if you dress for success.

MONA: And you do look successful.

TONY: You look nice, too, Mone. Going somewhere?

MONA: Yes, we're all invited to the Harpers' going-away party.

TONY: We?

MONA: Yes, the family. Of course Samantha couldn't make it. It seems she had to attend an awards banquet in Iowa this afternoon.

TONY: Yeah, she'll be flying back tomorrow. We could get only one ticket on short notice, and she thought it was more urgent for me to go.

MONA: That's quite a sacrifice for a newlywed who has to be away from her husband.

TONY: Yeah, I know, she's a good kid.

MONA: So it was urgent for you to fly back, was it?

TONY: (not sure how much to tell her) Well, yeah.

MONA: Tony, I know why you're here and I have to warn you.

TONY: Warn me?

MONA: Yes. Oh, don't worry, Angela misses you. But she keeps insisting that you two splitting up was the right thing to do. And maybe you think winning this award will impress her, but she's just going to see it as proof that she was right about you staying in Iowa without her.

TONY: Yeah, but, Mone—

MONA: Don't get me wrong, Tony. You look very dapper and you could sweep almost any woman off her feet in that outfit, but Angela's not in the mood to be swept.

TONY: That's OK. I broke my broom, remember?  
MONA: (looking around) Not that this place couldn't use a good sweeping. You won't believe the witches we've had the last couple months. You wouldn't be willing to come back as housekeeper, would you?

TONY: I could be tempted.

MONA: I'm kidding, Tony. I don't want you to give up your career. I just wish you'd found a good teaching job closer to home.

TONY: Well, actually—

JONATHAN: (entering from the front door) Wow, Heather Harper is home from boarding school and she looks like—Tony?

MONA: Poor girl.

JONATHAN: It really is you!

TONY: (giving Jonathan a hug) Hey, Buddy, how's it goin'?

JONATHAN: Wow, I don't believe this! First I find out that Heather Harper has grown knockers and now this!

TONY: (letting go) Quite an evening, huh?

JONATHAN: Tony, what are you doing here?

MONA: Showing off his teaching award.

JONATHAN: Oh, yeah, Sam was so excited for you! She said—Um, where's Sam?

MONA: She's catching a later flight.

JONATHAN: (confused) Oh.

HANK: (entering from the back door) So is everybody ready?

MONA: Well, Tony's certainly dressed to party.  
HANK: Tony?

TONY: Hey, how's my favorite son-in-law?

HANK: (crossing the living room) Great! Did Sam tell you—? Um, Tony, where's Sam?

MONA: She's catching a later flight.

HANK: Let me get this straight. My wife goes to Iowa to support her father. And then he comes back without her?

JONATHAN: Don't ask me. I just got here.

TONY: (trying to shoo them like chickens) Let's all adjourn to the living room. (remembering Angela) Or, no, the kitchen's good. I miss my old kitchen!

JONATHAN: (as if Tony's crazy) And it misses you, Tony.

TONY: How about I make you all some lasagna? Or maybe meatloaf.

MONA: You don't have to go to all that trouble, Tony.

HANK: Besides, we'll eat at the Harpers' party.

JONATHAN: Let me go up and change first. (He starts to go to the stairs, but Angela appears on the balcony, in a white strapless nightie, her hair pulled back.)

ANGELA: (raising her arms high, like Evita) What do you say to this? (Jonathan and Hank are speechless. Tony looks embarrassed for Angela.)

MONA: Don't cry for me, Argentina. (Cut to opening credits.)

Scene II: The kitchen, about ten minutes later

(Mona, Jonathan, and Hank are sitting at the table, in that order from the left to the right of the screen. Tony is bustling around the kitchen, an apron tied around his tux.)

JONATHAN: I am going to need so much therapy!

HANK: I think we're just lucky we didn't walk in on worse.

JONATHAN: Please, after what I walked in on you and Sam doing last week—

MONA: (eagerly) What, what?

TONY: Ay, come on! None of that talk.

MONA: Says the man who got my daughter to live out his sick Eva Peron fantasies.

TONY: I do not have sick—

JONATHAN: An hour a week, minimum. (They all look at him.) For therapy. (They nod.)

TONY: Now I suggest when Angela comes downstairs—

MONA: If she's not hiding in her room.

HANK: Maybe we should send Tony up there to "show her his award." (He and Mona crack up.)

JONATHAN: Or an hour and a half, just to be safe.

TONY: I said when Angela comes downstairs, we just act like nothing happened.

JONATHAN: Yeah, yeah. I know the drill. You two "accidentally" sleep together and almost wind up on _Eye on Hartford_. You two "accidentally" get lost in the woods and wind up in the same motel room. Mom repeatedly calls your name out in her sleep so the whole family can hear. You reveal to the entire CSPAN audience that she has a great natural scent. You two just happen to make out in public in Jamaica. And I act like I'm not emotionally scarred for life.

HANK: Wow, Sam has left out a lot of good stories.

MONA: Stick around, Kid. I've got the feeling you'll have a few stories for her by the end of the weekend.

HANK: (shaking his head) And I didn't think anything could top the one where he walked in on her in the bathroom.

TONY: Mona! You told Sam?

JONATHAN: Wait, when did Tony walk in on Mom?

TONY: It was years ago, Jonathan, when you were a little kid. Of course we weren't going to tell you.

JONATHAN: Well, thank you for preserving some of my innocence. (Pause.) She wasn't on the toilet, was she? (Mona and Hank crack up again.)

TONY: No, she wasn't on the toilet! She was just getting out of the tub.

JONATHAN: Let's say two hours a week and leave it at that. (Angela enters in a modest party dress, the sort she'd wear in the first season or two.)

MONA: Well, Dear, don't you look—Amish. I guess you didn't need to shave after all.

ANGELA: Mother.

TONY: Well, I think she looks great.

ANGELA: Thank you, Tony. Um, what are you doing?

JONATHAN: (rolling his eyes) He's making _hors d'oeuvres _for the party.

TONY: Well, yeah, you know, I can't show up empty-handed as well as uninvited.

ANGELA: I'm sure the Harpers will be pleasantly surprised.

MONA: (muttering) Meatballs.

ANGELA: Excuse me?

MONA: He's making meatballs.

ANGELA: Oh.

TONY: Yeah, and, Angela, I don't blame you for firing your last housekeeper. The quality of beef she was buying is not good.

ANGELA: Maybe I need someone who knows where the beef is. (The Look.)  
JONATHAN: Ew, gross! (Tony and Angela are embarrassed but amused.)

HANK: Hey, come on, Jonathan, I think this is cute. Tony and Angela are finally back together—You guys are back together, aren't you?

ANGELA: Well, um.

TONY: Well, yeah, I'm back in Connecticut.

MONA: In this house? In your beloved old kitchen?

TONY: Yeah.

MONA: Till she finds a new housekeeper or longer?  
ANGELA: Tony can stay as long as he wants.

MONA: And is Tony working as your temporary housekeeper or is he looking for a teaching job?

ANGELA: Um, both?  
TONY: We hadn't exactly worked out the details yet.

MONA: Maybe you two should stay home from the party and "work out those details." (Jonathan does a teenaged rolled-eyes &amp; disgusted-sigh combo.)

JONATHAN: Well, I'm going to the party, with or without the meatballs. But first I'm going upstairs to change.

HANK: I'll meet you over there. I've got to make a quick phone call. (Jonathan goes out the swinging door, while Hank goes out to the driveway, towards his and Sam's apartment over the garage.)

MONA: OK, now that Beavis and Butt-head are gone, we can discuss this as adults.

TONY: (sourly) Great.

ANGELA: (equally sourly) I can't wait.

MONA: Listen, for seven years I had to watch you two dance around each other. I thought when you finally admitted to each other what I knew from before you met, that you're perfect for each other, we'd finally get somewhere. But, no, you two meatheads had to continue to mess things up for another year. And what I want to know is, well, Tony, are you going to marry my daughter or not?

TONY: Aw, gee, Mone, where's your shotgun?

MONA: Ha! As if you two would ever—I bet even in the privacy of Iowa—

ANGELA: Mother.

MONA: I know you still haven't really been to bed together, although if my timing were better, you might've accomplished it tonight. And I apologize for that.

ANGELA: Well, thank you, Mother, but—

MONA: Let me finish. If the problem is that you're not married, then get married!

ANGELA: What, tonight? We'll miss the Harpers' party.

TONY: I still have jet lag.

MONA: (sternly, like she's the Mother Superior in Tony's nightmare) Anthony Morton Micelli!

TONY: (scared) Yes, Ma'am?

MONA: Do you want to marry Angela?

TONY: Yeah, of course! And I'm not just saying that because I think you're going to take this frying pan and hit me with it.

MONA: Angela, do you want to marry Tony?

ANGELA: (softly, as if finding the romance even in this moment) Yes, more than anything.

MONA: Well, then. Let's party like it's 1999! (They stare at her.) Which is probably when you'll actually tie the knot. But I now pronounce you re-engaged, so let's go surprise the Harpers.

TONY: (a little whiny) My meatballs aren't done yet!

MONA: (sternly) Anthony.

ANGELA: Mother, we'll be along in a moment.

MONA: (back to mischievous Mona) Oh, I get it. Detail discussion time. (She winks.)

ANGELA: Something like that, yes.

MONA: Just make it over there by the time the Harpers leave the neighborhood.

TONY: We'll try. (Mona gives him a quick hug and then exits out to the driveway.)

ANGELA: So.

TONY: Alone at last.

ANGELA: Yes, which probably won't be for long, considering our track record.

TONY: Yeah.

ANGELA: Are you OK with being engaged?

TONY: Yeah, are you?

ANGELA: (holding out her hand, where we can see her engagement ring) Yes.

TONY: (grinning) Good. (He kisses her hand.)

ANGELA: Très bon.

TONY: (channeling Gomez Addams) Ange, that's French! (He starts kissing up her arm.)

ANGELA: Mm, now I'm wishing I'd gone with a sleeveless dress.

TONY: You want to go up and change?

ANGELA: Do you want to go up and help me change?  
TONY: Yeah, but we'd never make it to the party. (The phone rings. He sighs wearily.)

ANGELA: See?

TONY: (letting go of her arm) Yeah. (He goes over to the phone and then stops.) Oh, wait, it's probably not for me, right?

ANGELA: (taking off one of her earrings) Well, you have been away for awhile.

TONY: Too long. (She nods, smiles, and takes the phone off the hook)

ANGELA: Hello?

SAM: (in alternating shots, we see her at a booth outside at an airport) Angela?

ANGELA: Samantha! How nice of you to call! (She looks at Tony, and they both understand that Sam probably just talked to Hank.)

SAM: Yeah, well, I wanted to make sure Dad arrived OK.

ANGELA: Yes, he did. Safe and sound. Do you want to talk to him?

SAM: (feigning surprise) Oh, is he right there?

ANGELA: He's right here. (She signals to Tony and holds the phone so he can hear, too. But instead of the usual leaning in towards each other, Tony puts his arms around Angela.)

TONY: Hey, Sam, how's Iowa?

SAM: Same as when you left, Dad. How's Connecticut?

TONY: A little different than when you left.

SAM: Good different?

TONY: Very good.

ANGELA: Très bon. (Tony gives her a look like _Not in front of my daughter!_)

SAM: Glad to hear it. Especially since I'm in Burlington.

TONY: Burlington?  
SAM: As in Vermont.

TONY: Uh, do you want me to go pick you up in Burlington?

SAM: No, Dad, that's OK. I'll get a cab.

TONY: Well, don't go with any crazy foreign drivers.

SAM: Dad, I'm surprised at you! That's so prejudiced!

TONY: No, Honey, I didn't mean—

SAM: Oh, there's a taxi, gotta go! I love you, Dad! And you, too, Angela!

ANGELA: We love you, Sweetheart!

TONY: Yeah, and when you get here— (Click.) Um, we should probably leave her a note, in case we're still at the party.

ANGELA: If we get to the party.

TONY: An-gel-a!

ANGELA: (teasing) To-ny!

TONY: OK, ten minutes of smooching till my meatballs are done, and then we've got to go.

ANGELA: Whatever you say. (They start smooching. Cut to commercial.)

Scene III: The Harpers' living room, about ten minutes later

(All four Harpers—Mark, Pam, their 16-year-old daughter Heather, and their 8-year-old son Adam—are there, mingling with the guests. Jonathan is trying to get Heather's attention.)

JONATHAN: So then you won't believe who showed up.

HEATHER: To the party?

JONATHAN: No, to my house. (Doorbell.)

HEATHER: Excuse me, Jonah, I've got to get that. (She moves towards the front door.)

JONATHAN: (quietly) It's Jonathan. We shared our first grown-up kiss three and a half years ago.

HEATHER: (as she opens the door to Hank) Hello. Oo, who are you?

HANK: Hank Thomopolous. I moved to the neighborhood a few months ago.

HEATHER: Oh, I've been away at boarding school for three years. But I'm going to stay with the Witteners and go to Fairfield High this Fall.

HANK: (shutting the door behind him) Oh, great, you'll have to meet Jonathan.

HEATHER: Any friend of yours is a friend of mine.

HANK: Uh, yeah. (signaling him over) Hey, Jonathan!

HEATHER: I thought that was Jonah.

JONATHAN: (coming over) Hi, Heather, I see you've met my stepbrother-in-law-to-be.

HEATHER: You have a stepsister? Who's engaged to Hunk? I mean Hank.

JONATHAN: No, I have an almost stepsister who's married to Hank. Our parents are getting married. I mean my mom is marrying her dad.

ADAM: Billy's parents are getting married?

HEATHER: Who's Billy?  
ADAM: He was my best friend until he moved back to his grandma's.

HEATHER: So, wait, Jonah—

JONATHAN: Jonathan.

HEATHER: Right, sorry. Jonathan, you and Hank's, um, wife have parents who had a kid Adam's age but they're not married yet?

JONATHAN: Hey, it's the '90s.

ADAM: (running towards his parents) Mommy! Daddy! Mr. Micelli and Mrs. Bower are getting married!

WENDY WITTENER: (relieved) Thank God!

JOANNE PARKER: (shocked) Oh my God!

JONATHAN: Well, when I said getting married, I may've exaggerated a little.

HANK: They're going to kill you, Jonah.

JONATHAN: Thanks, Hunk. (Doorbell.)  
HEATHER: I'll get it. (Hank steps out of the way. She opens the door to Mona, who is wearing a stunning red dress, as if she's upgraded from McDonald's to the Russian Tea Room.)

JONATHAN: Nice dress, Grandma.

HANK: That's not what you were wearing earl—

JONATHAN: Just roll with it, Hank. (Hank nods.)

PAM: Well, don't you look nice, Mona? But this is a casual affair.

JOANNE: Mona always overdoes it for casual affairs.

MONA: (mock-sweetly) Well, for a special occasion like the Harpers leaving the neighborhood, I dress up. Just think what I'd wear if you left, Joanne.

MARK: So, Mona, what's this I hear about Tony and Angela getting married?

MONA: They're going to kill you, Jonathan. (Jonathan has a _How did she know it was me? _expression.)

PAM: (exchanging amused looks with her husband) Oh, looks like the cat's out of the bag!

MONA: Well, they didn't want to overshadow your departure, but as we're all friends here. Yes, Tony's back and they're going to finally say "I do."

JOANNE: I heard they already "did" years ago.

MONA: Well, don't believe everything you hear, Joanne. That's what I tell people about your pool boy.

JOANNE: Do you want to know what else I've heard, Mona? You and— (as Tony and Angela come through the open door, he carrying a plate of meatballs and no longer wearing the apron) You and your lovely daughter have a houseguest.

TONY: Well, I'm not exactly a houseguest.

JOANNE: Oh, are you a housekeeper again?

MARK: It sounds more like they'll be playing house. (Mark, Pam, and Joanne laugh condescendingly. Tony and Angela glare at Mona, who has a _Who me?_ expression.)

WENDY: (storming over) That's enough! Tony and Angela have gone through so much these past eight years, and if they are finally back together, we, as their friends and neighbors, should support them!

JENNY WITTENER: You tell 'em, Mom!

JONATHAN: (staring at this more mature version of his first crush, still with glasses but no longer in braids) Jenny?

HEATHER: Oh, Jonah, have you met my friend Jenny Wittener? We met in boarding school and she lives right in this neighborhood! I'll be staying with her family, while we do junior year at Fairfield High.

MONA: (aside to Jonathan) Looks like Heather's not the only one who got knockers. (Jonathan blushes. Then a burnt-out middle-aged hippie, played by Christopher Lloyd, enters the open door.)

HIPPIE: Excuse me, is this 3344 Oakhills Drive?

MARK: No, it's 3342 Oakhills. And who are you?

MONA: Jim?

HIPPIE: Have we met?

MONA: Reverend Ignatowski!

HIPPIE: Pleased to meet you, Reverend.

MONA: No, you're Reverend Jim Ignatowski.

HIPPIE/RJI: That sounds really familiar. And you are?

MONA: Mona Robinson. Remember, my daughter's wedding seventeen years ago?

RJI: Did I perform it?

MONA: (with a certain emphasis) No, you had me in your cab.

RJI: (delighted) Mona! Big Red!

ANGELA: Mother! Is that why you were late to the ceremony? You said there was heavy traffic!

MONA: There was, Dear. We had to pass the time somehow.

JONATHAN: Ew, gross!

RJI: Well, it's great to see you again, Mona. Too bad I've got to take my passenger to 3344 Oakhills Drive. It should be around here somewhere.

SAM: (entering from behind Jim, carrying her overnight bag) It's OK. This is close enough.

TONY: Sam! I told you not to get in a cab with a crazy driver.

SAM: Well, at least he's not foreign. (Everyone looks at her.) Dad said it. (They all look at him.)

TONY: Never mind. You got here in one piece. (to Rev. Jim) How much do I owe you?

RJI: Did I do something for you?  
TONY: You brought my daughter here.  
RJI: Oh, she's your daughter. I see the resemblance.

TONY: Yeah, we're like clones. So what's the tot—?

RJI: You know, you look like someone else I've met.

TONY: Well, you've never made me late for a wedding ceremony.

MONA: How about he makes you early for one?

TONY: Huh?

MONA: He's fully licensed to perform ceremonies, of all kinds.

ANGELA: Mother, that's a sweet thought, but this is the Harpers' going-away party and I'm sure they don't want—

MARK: I think it's a great idea.

PAM: So romantic! (Tony and Angela look at each other like they can't believe this is happening.)

MONA: All your loved ones and friends are here. (She glances at Joanne.) Well, close enough.

TONY: They are not all here! Bobby Governale isn't here! He was gonna be my best man!

JONATHAN: You don't want me as your best man?

TONY: Well, I figured you'd give your mom away. Unless Mona did.

ANGELA: I'm a grown woman, I can give myself away! (They all look at her.) I mean if I were getting married.

TONY: When, not if, Angela.

ANGELA: Of course.

SAM: (pulling the two of them aside) You may as well go along with it. Sure it's crazy and probably not legal, but who cares? You two will finally be married.

TONY: (whining) But, Sam, I wanted a big church wedding with taffeta and everything!

SAM: Dad, sometimes life doesn't go the way you want and you just have to tough it out.

HEATHER: Who's the short, little, pushy girl?

HANK: (proudly) My wife.

HEATHER: Oh. So, Jonah, will you show me around school on Monday?

JENNY: Hey, I saw Jonathan first!

JONATHAN: Girls, please don't fight over me. Not at my mom's wedding.

ANGELA: Jonathan, we're not— (She looks around at the crowd, who seem eager for the wedding. Well, Joanne at least looks like she'll enjoy spreading the gossip.) OK, Tony, I need to speak to you in the kitchen, now!

TONY: Gee whiz, Angela, it's not even our kitchen! (But he hands Reverend Jim the plate of meatballs and follows her across the living room to the Harpers' kitchen.)  
WENDY: I've got dibs on Matron of Honor!

PAM: It's my house!

Scene IV: The Harpers' kitchen, right after

(Tony and Angela enter the swinging door.)

ANGELA: Well, Tony, what do you want to do?

TONY: Sneak out the back door while nobody's lookin'?

ANGELA: They'll just track us down.

TONY: Angela, you know I want to marry you. But not like this! I mean, for one thing, Mrs. Rossini will kill me that I didn't invite her.

ANGELA: I know. And we don't even like the Harpers. I mean, it wouldn't be so bad if we were getting married at the Fergusons'.

TONY: Angela.

ANGELA: Well, anyway, let's look at this logically. Worst case scenario, we have a ridiculous and probably illegal wedding. But look on the bright side, no wedding photographer!

TONY: That's the bright side?

MARK: (ducking his head in) Guys, Mona's gone home to get her mother's wedding dress and her videorecorder. Mona's recorder, Angela, not your grandmother's. Jonathan's getting his accordion. I told him he could use our piano, but he said he doesn't know how to play the piano.

TONY: (overwhelmed) Great.

MARK: And, Tony, you of course already have your tux.

TONY: I knew there was a reason I didn't change on the plane.

MARK: Now is there anyone you want us to call for you?

TONY: Yeah, Bobby Governale, Mrs. Rossini, Philly Fingers, oh, and why not George and Barbara Bush while you're at it?

ANGELA: And Bill and Hillary Clinton, just to be fair.

MARK: Well, it's pretty short notice during the campaign season.

TONY: Yeah, what were we thinkin'?

MARK: But I'll call Freddy Fingers and the others.

TONY: Philly. Sam's got their numbers.

MARK: Great! Oh, this is going to be the party of the year!

TONY: Glad we could help out. (Mark disappears.) Angela, when you moved to Iowa, I threw you a little party. But you, you've really outdone yourself welcoming me back.

ANGELA: (amused, even though it's not her fault) Hey, nothin' but the best for my honey-bunny! (They kiss. Cut to commercial.)

Scene V: The Harpers' living room, a couple hours later

(The furniture has been rearranged for the wedding. Reverend Jim is at one end of the room, with Tony standing in front of him. The best man is Mark Harper, while Jonathan and Bobby G. play the wedding march as an accordion duet. Philly and Mrs. Rossini are there, both crying. Pam Harper is working the videorecorder. Heather and Jenny have both improvised bridesmaids' dresses and are the first down the stairs. Adam looks annoyed that he's been roped into being the ring-bearer.)

RJI: Should I start?

TONY: Let's wait for the bride.

RJI: Good idea. You've done this before, haven't you?  
TONY: Yeah, but not quite like this.

(Then Angela descends the staircase, accompanied by Mona on her left, Sam on her right. All three women look beautiful. Mona is still in her red dress, Angela's in Nanna's 1920s wedding gown, and Sam's in the outfit she wore to Tony's award ceremony, a little worse for wear from travel but she didn't want to go home and change. They reach Tony and smile at him. He beams back at them. Angela takes her place next to him.)

RJI: Well, here we all are.

MONA: Go with that, Jimbo.

RJI: Thanks, Big Red. So I think these two want to get married. And you all want them to get married, right?

EVERYONE: Yes!

RJI: So, Mr. Banta, you may now kiss the bride. (Tony and Angela smile at each other and then smooch.)

JOANNE: This can't be legal.

TONY: (reluctantly breaking the kiss) It's legal enough for me. Angela, you good with this?  
ANGELA: Well, we're probably common-law married anyway.

TONY: Atlantic City, Angela?

ANGELA: (taking the keys to her Jag out of her bouquet) Atlantic City, Tony. (They race out the front door, Angela throwing the bouquet over her shoulder. Mrs. Rossini, Heather, and Jenny squabble over it. It ricochets into Mona's hand as she's chatting with Rev. Jim. She looks at it, looks at Rev. Jim, and then throws it over her shoulder. Mrs. R and the girls squabble over it some more. Fade to black.)

…

(As the end credits roll, we see a cartoon of a Monopoly racecar with Angela's face and an iron token with Tony's face traveling around the board together. After awhile, it becomes clear that they're passing Go a lot.)

…

Author's Note: Besides Kaufman's presence, there are two other deliberate anachronisms in this episode. _Beavis and Butt-head _didn't premiere till the following March. And Jim Ignatowski didn't start driving a cab till 1979. Also, there's no possible way that he could drive from Burlington to Fairfield in less than half an hour. But, hey, it's an alternate reality, so just roll with it.


	2. Kiss on My List

_TV Guide_ capsule for Saturday, Oct. 3, 1992:

**9 PM Who's the Boss?—Comedy**

Jonathan has to adjust to living with two sets of newlyweds and the always amorous Mona, while trying to sort out his own love life.

Scene I: The Bower-Micelli living room, an autumn Saturday afternoon

(Jonathan is sitting on the couch with Jenny Wittener.)

JONATHAN: …And then they apparently had a real wedding ceremony in Atlantic City.

JENNY: Wow! They took such a long time to get together. Eight years!

JONATHAN: It's almost thirty actually, because Sam recently told me that they shared their first "grown-up kiss" at summer camp.

JENNY: Wow, if I married the boy I had my first grown-up kiss with, it would be Harvey Parker. And he was a creep.

JONATHAN: I'm sorry.

JENNY: Who was your first grown-up kiss with?

JONATHAN: Uh, gee, I forget her name.

JENNY: It must not have been a very good kiss.

JONATHAN: No, it was nice. I ended up with her gum.

JENNY: Ew, gross!

JONATHAN: I didn't mind.

JENNY: Well, I think kissing is something that improves as you get older.

JONATHAN: Definitely. (Their eyes meet and he moves closer to kiss her. But then the front door opens to Mona and her date Jason, played by Dean Butler. They've got eyes only for each other and they don't notice the teens in the living room.)

JASON: Mona, I'm really glad I ran into you.

MONA: So am I, Jason.

JASON: You haven't changed a bit.

MONA: You're still as charming as ever.

JASON: Should we see what else hasn't changed?

MONA: Well.

JASON: I know, it's been eight years and we need to get to know each other all over again.

MONA: I would love to get to know you the way we did before. Unfortunately, Sam and her husband have moved into my apartment.

JASON: Little Sam? The housekeeper's tomboy daughter?

MONA: That's the one. (shaking her head) We have a lot of catching up to do.

JASON: Well, let's find somewhere where we can do that.

MONA: (conflicted) Well, I promised Angela I wouldn't bring any men home while I'm living under her roof, but as no one seems to be around— (She kisses him. Jonathan looks really embarrassed but unsure what to do.)

TONY: (offscreen) I'll get the oil, Angela. (Mona and Jason look towards the back of the living room set, where Tony's voice seems to be coming from, and they of course see Jonathan and Jenny. Before any of the four of them can think what to say, Tony enters, apparently from Angela's office, and he's shirtless. They stare at him. He looks very embarrassed.) Um, hi.

MONA: (entering the living room) And what exactly are you oiling in Angela's office?

TONY: Her, um, her chair. She's got this real squeaky chair.

ANGELA: (entering with her dress falling off her shoulders) Tony, I was thinking, maybe we should go upstairs instead. (seeing everyone) Oh, um, hi.

JENNY: Well, it's probably less crowded.

JONATHAN: (getting to his feet) I don't believe this! Come on, Jenny. (She shrugs and follows him towards the swinging door.)

ANGELA: Sweetheart, wait!

MONA: You might want to fix your dress first, Dear. (Angela blushes. Tony helps her zip up. Jonathan gives the adults a couple of disgusted looks and then pushes the swinging door.)

Scene II: The Bower-Micelli kitchen, a moment later

(Sam is sitting in Hank's lap as they neck. Jonathan enters, followed by Jenny.)

JONATHAN: (seeing Sam and Hank) I really don't believe this! (Sam and Hank look up at him.)

SAM: Is there a problem, Dweeb?

JONATHAN: Yes, there's a problem. (The four adults enter from the living room.) A lot of problems.

JASON: Is that Sam and her husband?

MONA: Yes. Jason, Hank. Hank, Jason.

HANK: (reaching up with one hand while still holding Sam with his other arm) Pleased to meet you.

JASON: Likewise.

SAM: Wait, not your college sweetheart Jason?

HANK: They were in college together?

JASON: I don't look my age.

HANK: Oh.

SAM: No, Mona was an older student, like Dad. Not that you're old, Dad. Or you either, Mona. Um. This is awkward.

JONATHAN: You noticed?

JENNY: Mrs. Robinson, I think your sweater is on inside-out and backwards. (Close-up of Mona, who looks down and notices the tag in the front. She smiles with as much embarrassment as she ever shows.)

MONA: I'd better go up and change.

JASON: Need any help with that?

MONA: If you wouldn't mind.

ANGELA: (in "boss" mode) Hold it. We had an agreement.

MONA: Dear, I don't think this is the moment for you to get on your moral high horse. Not when Tony's standing there shirtless.

TONY: I didn't want to get oil on my shirt!

JONATHAN: Jenny, I am so sorry about all of this.

JENNY: It's OK. Why don't we go to my house? No one's home.

JONATHAN: Yeah, that's what I thought about here.

ANGELA: Excuse me?

JONATHAN: Forget it, Mom. You all carry on like you were.

TONY: We're not carrying on! (Jonathan shakes his head and leads Jenny outside. She closes the door behind them.)

ANGELA: Jonathan!

SAM: Relax, Angela. They just want some privacy to kiss.

HANK: I know the feeling.

TONY: Sam, what are you doing in his lap?

SAM: We were just necking, Dad.

TONY: In the kitchen?

SAM: Oh, like you and Angela never have.

TONY: (indignantly) We never necked in the kitchen!

MONA: What about the time you were both drunk?

JASON: Wow, Mona, things have really changed around here.

MONA: You don't know the half of it.

ANGELA: Mother, I told you, that was just a kiss.

MONA: Oh, please, Angela, everyone knows you don't even remember most of that night.

HANK: I didn't know that.

JASON: Me neither.

ANGELA: Never mind who's kissed whom how and where. We're all adults. But my innocent baby has gone off to an empty house with a girl!

TONY: Angela, it's Jenny Wittener. It's not like it's Heather Harper.

ANGELA: You had to remind me of that.

TONY: Sorry. (Someone knocks on the door to outside.)

HANK: You want me to get that? I'm closest.

TONY: (sarcastically) Oh, no, don't get up. (He goes over and opens the door to Heather Harper.) Hey, Heather.

HEATHER: Hi, Mr. Micelli. Is Jonathan around?

HANK: (before anyone else can answer) Oh, you just missed him. He's at the Witteners'.

HEATHER: Oh, great! See you later. (She exits, closing the door behind her. Everyone stares at Hank.)

HANK: What? So she interrupts Jonathan and Jenny kissing. Isn't that what Angela wanted?

SAM: Honey, have you forgotten that Heather is staying for a year with her best friend Jenny Wittener? And that the two of them are both after Jonathan?

HANK: Oh, right. I did forget that. That's going to be awkward.

TONY: Wait, here's the best part. Three years ago, before Heather went to boarding school, she gave Jonathan his first real kiss.

HANK: Oh, so it was Heather's gum? (They all look at him.) Uh, Sam and I were eavesdropping on Jonathan a little.

JASON: You people have a lot of crossed boundaries in this house.

SAM: Tell me about it.

TONY: That's enough! Go to your room!

SAM: (leaping to her feet) OK! Come on, Hank!

TONY: Wait! (to Angela) I keep forgetting she's living over the garage. With him.

MONA: I can't forget it.

JASON: So, wait, if Sam and Hank have their own place, why were they necking in this kitchen?

HANK: Well, you know how it is, Dude. Sometimes when the spirit moves you, you don't care where you are.

TONY: Hey, hey, enough of that!

SAM: Dad, please if you're going to lecture, can you put on a shirt? (Tony looks embarrassed again. Then Jonathan returns from outside.)

JONATHAN: I just want you to know I hate this entire family! (He pushes past the crowd and out the swinging door.)

TONY: Have you noticed that ever since he hit puberty, he has this habit of entering a room, saying a few words, and then exiting out another door? (Everyone but Jason has a look of _Hm, now that you mention it._ Cut to opening credits.)

Scene III: Jonathan's room, about fifteen minutes later

(Jonathan is lying in bed, reading _Scientific American, _and listening to music on his Walkman. Someone knocks but he doesn't hear it because of the headphones.)

ANGELA: (offscreen) Jonathan? Sweetheart? We need to talk. (Pause.) OK, I'll go first. I know this is a difficult situation, for all of us, but probably for you most of all. I'm sure it's not easy living with two sets of newlyweds and a grandmother like yours.

MONA: (offscreen) And what's that supposed to mean?

ANGELA: Mother, please. We agreed that Tony and I would be the ones to approach him first.

MONA: Fine. I'll be at Jason's.

ANGELA: Mother, I didn't mean—

TONY: (offscreen) You want me to talk to her?

ANGELA: You promised you'd talk to Jonathan with me.

TONY: I don't know what to say. I mean the poor kid is obviously also confused about liking two girls who like him, except now he's probably lost both of them. And meanwhile everybody else in the house is, well, you know.

ANGELA: And that's another thing, Jonathan—Jonathan? Are you even listening to me?

TONY: Let me try. I was a teenage boy. Hey, Jonathan, Pal-o-Mine. Let me tell you a little story. (Angela sighs impatiently.) My mom died when I was real young. And I felt funny about my dad dating. He never brought anyone home of course, so maybe this isn't the best example.

ANGELA: Jonathan?

TONY: I hate the silent treatment, and the kid knows it.

ANGELA: Well, it's better than yelling.

TONY: (condescendingly but affectionately, probably shaking his head) WASPs.

ANGELA: Fine, Tony. Do you want to act like an Italian father and break down the door and get into a screaming match?

TONY: (eagerly) Can I?

ANGELA: No!

TONY: Well, I am opening the door, gently. (The doorknob rattles.) He locked it.

ANGELA: (banging on the door) Jonathan Michael Bower, you open this door right now!

TONY: Oo, Anglo-Saxon rage, look out! (Jonathan looks up, the noise cutting through the music. He sighs and goes to the door. He unlocks it and opens it. We can see that Tony has put on a shirt. Angela freezes with her fists in the air. Jonathan slips off the headphones. We can hear stormy classical music, like Dvorak.)

JONATHAN: (coldly) Did you want something? (Tony and Angela look at each other, realizing he missed everything they said.)

ANGELA: Can we come in?

JONATHAN: It's your house.

TONY: Yeah, but it's your room and we respect your privacy. (Jonathan rolls his eyes and goes back to bed.)

ANGELA: So, Sweetheart, I think we need to talk about this situation.  
JONATHAN: I didn't even kiss her, Mom.

ANGELA: Oh, well, good. I mean, I'm sorry.

JONATHAN: You got what you wanted, sending Heather over there.

TONY: Ay-oh, oh-ay, that was Hank that did that. And it's not like Heather wouldn't have shown up anyway, since she's staying there.

JONATHAN: (sighing) I know. It's just, I don't have any privacy here, and then all of you are, well, you know.

TONY: We know.

ANGELA: Jonathan, I know this is awkward for you. That's why I've asked your grandmother not to bring men home. And Tony has requested that Sam and Hank be more restrained when they're not in their apartment.

JONATHAN: And you two?

TONY: (snapping) Give me a break!

ANGELA: (surprised) Tony!

TONY: I'm sorry, Angela, but, gee whiz, for eight years you and I couldn't do anything, partly because of the kids. And I respected that, I wanted that. But we just got married and I'm getting tired of worrying about Jonathan hearing the bed squeak.

JONATHAN: Maybe you should oil it. (Tony and Angela both look embarrassed.) Not that there wouldn't still be something to overhear.

ANGELA: (nervously) What do you mean, Sweetheart?

JONATHAN: Well, Mom, do you remember when you and Dad got back together and I overheard him "teaching you jungle animal noises"?

TONY: You told him that?

ANGELA: I had to say something!

TONY: (muttering as he remembers) The call of the wild.

JONATHAN: Well, now it sounds like you've got a zoo in your bedroom.

TONY: (shocked) Jonathan!

ANGELA: (sheepishly) Tony and I have tried to be quiet, really.

JONATHAN: I know. That's what scares me. What if you weren't trying?

TONY: Look, what are we supposed to do? Stay in a hotel two or three nights a week?

ANGELA: (quietly) Seven. (Tony looks at her and seems proud. Jonathan rolls his eyes.)

JONATHAN: I don't know. Maybe I could move into Grandma's apartment over the garage.

TONY: Oh, no, I am not having Sam and Hank sleeping in your room! It's too close to Angela's room. I mean Angela's and my room.

JONATHAN: Now you know how I feel.

ANGELA: Maybe we could move them into your old room, Tony.

TONY: That's still too close.

JONATHAN: What about the attic?

TONY: You want to put Sam and Hank in the attic?

JONATHAN: No, I could move up there.

ANGELA: Hm, that's not a bad idea.

TONY: It does have possibilities. You could fix it up, with a beaded curtain for extra privacy. (Jonathan stares at him.) Well, it worked for Greg Brady!

ANGELA: We can discuss décor later. Jonathan, if this is what you want, we'll try to make it work.

JONATHAN: Well, let me check on something. Here. (He hands her his Walkman.) I'm going to go up to the attic. I want you to turn up the music, and I'll see if I can hear it from up there.

ANGELA: (amused) OK. (He exits.) Well, I guess that went better than it could've.

TONY: Yeah, I don't know why we didn't think of it before. This way, everyone gets a little more privacy.

ANGELA: Yes. (They look at each other and then kiss.)

TONY: (nuzzling her neck) Speaking of privacy.

ANGELA: Tony, not in Jonathan's room.

TONY: Well, you know how it is, Dude. Sometimes when the spirit moves you, you don't care where you are.

ANGELA: I'm not a dude.

TONY: Believe me, Angela, I'm well aware of that. (She giggles and then turns up the Walkman.) These kids and their wild music! (Angela laughs. They neck as the music swells. They don't hear Jonathan walking around above them. But they do hear when he screams and crashes through the floor. They look up and see a foot caught in the ceiling.) Oh, that's why we didn't think of this before. (Cut to commercial.)

Scene IV: The living room, a couple hours later

(Sam and Hank are necking on the couch, but they stop when the front door opens. Jonathan enters with his foot in a cast. He's leaning on Tony, who looks contrite. Angela hovers like a mother hen.)

ANGELA: Careful, Tony!

TONY: I am careful, Angela.

JONATHAN: Yeah, so careful that you forgot about the weak floor in the attic.

SAM: (amused) Hey, at least it wasn't your butt.

T &amp; J: (simultaneously) Thanks, Sam.

HANK: I called my dad and he'll send someone over to fix the ceiling first thing tomorrow. And since you're family, he won't charge Sunday prices.

ANGELA: Wonderful.

JONATHAN: No hurry, it's not like I can sleep upstairs for awhile anyway.

ANGELA: That's right. You won't be able to manage those stairs. Maybe you'd better sleep in my office for the time being.

T &amp; J: (simultaneously getting an idea) Your office!

ANGELA: Well, it's more private than if you slept on the couch out here.

JONATHAN: Yeah, real private!

ANGELA: Oh no! If you're thinking what I think you're thinking—

TONY: Angela, it's as far away from our bedroom as he can get and still be under our roof.

ANGELA: Yes, but, Tony, it's my office! My own space.

TONY: We could move your office up to my old room.

JONATHAN: Or you could take my room. After Mr. Thomopolous fixes the ceiling.

ANGELA: And what am I supposed to do if I have a meeting with a client at home? Invite them upstairs?

SAM: Why doesn't Jonathan just take Billy's old room? It's downstairs, by Angela's office. (They all look at her, wondering why they didn't think of this.)

ANGELA: Well, it's smaller than Jonathan's room upstairs.

JONATHAN: I don't care!

TONY: Let's try it for now and then see if it's worth making permanent.

Scene V: Billy's former room, a couple days later

(The room has been redecorated with Jonathan's belongings from upstairs. Tony has hung up a beaded curtain in the center of the room. Jonathan still has the cast of course. He's reading _The Wall Street Journal_. Someone knocks. He starts to get up and then decides it's too much bother.)

JONATHAN: Come in. (Heather enters.) Heather!

HEATHER: Hi, Jonathan. (as she pushes through the curtain) Cool beads!

JONATHAN: Thanks. What are you doing here? Not that it's not nice to see you.

HEATHER: You weren't in school today. And I heard a rumor that you'd been injured.

JONATHAN: (pointing at his cast) Well, yeah.

HEATHER: Oh, wow! Was it sports-related?

JONATHAN: I don't like to talk about it.

HEATHER: You're so brave and stoic!

JONATHAN: Well.

HEATHER: And modest.

JONATHAN: If you say so.

HEATHER: And cute.

JONATHAN: You think I'm cute?

HEATHER: Even cuter than when we were kids and you gave me my first grown-up kiss.

JONATHAN: You remember?  
HEATHER: Well, I didn't at first but then Jenny reminded me.

JONATHAN: Oh, yeah, about Jenny.

HEATHER: It's OK. It's not like you and I have any sort of commitment these days.

JONATHAN: Well, no.

HEATHER: Would you like me to sign your cast?

JONATHAN: Yeah!

HEATHER: (sitting on the foot of the bed) I'm not jostling you, am I?  
JONATHAN: Jostle me all you want! (She giggles.)  
HEATHER: You're so funny, too. (She takes a red and a black marker out of her pocket and starts writing on the sole of his cast. He looks like he's going to swoon.)

JONATHAN: (his voice breaking a little) What are you writing?

HEATHER: I'm drawing a heart with the red marker.  
JONATHAN: Great!

HEATHER: (uncapping the black marker) Should I put our initials?

JONATHAN: OK!

HEATHER: What's your middle initial?

JONATHAN: M, as in Michael.

HEATHER: (as she writes) JMB +— (Someone knocks.)

JONATHAN: (whispering) Hide!

HEATHER: (whispering back) Where?

JONATHAN: The closet. (She nods and goes to the closet, not closing the door all the way, so she can still breathe. The audience can still see her. Someone knocks again.) Come in! (The door opens and Jenny enters, carrying a Pee Chee folder.) Jenny! What are you doing here?

JENNY: I heard you got hurt, so I went and got your homework from your teachers.

JONATHAN: Wow, that's really thoughtful of you! (Heather rolls her eyes.)

JENNY: Well, also I felt bad about Saturday and—can I talk to you on the other side of this curtain thingy?

JONATHAN: Yeah, sure. (Jenny pushes through the beads.)

JENNY: Anyway, I'm really impressed that you're a senior already.

JONATHAN: Well, I skipped sixth grade.

JENNY: You always were so smart and mature.

JONATHAN: I guess so.

JENNY: Modest, too! (Heather huffs indignantly.)

JONATHAN: Thanks. And thanks for bringing my homework.

JENNY: No problem. Wow, you have to wear a cast?

JONATHAN: Yeah, for six weeks. But I had a gymnastics injury years ago, so I'm used to this kind of thing.

JENNY: So brave, too. (coming closer) And cute!

JONATHAN: Jenny, I'm really flattered but—

JENNY: Jonathan, I'm sorry I got so jealous over Heather. I know you were just a victim.

JONATHAN: A victim?

JENNY: Yes, she flirts with lots of boys.

JONATHAN: Oh.

JENNY: The one I'm really jealous of is the girl you first kissed. Even Heather got jealous when I told her about it.

JONATHAN: You shouldn't have done that.

JENNY: I know, it was your personal story. Do you forgive me?

JONATHAN: Yeah, sure.

JENNY: (sitting on the bed next to him) Then let's kiss and make up.

JONATHAN: (incredibly conflicted) Jenny, wait!

JENNY: For what? You wanted to kiss me the other day in the living room, didn't you? (Heather is fuming but she knows she doesn't want Jenny to see her in Jonathan's room.)

JONATHAN: Well, yeah, but it's different in a bedroom.

JENNY: (innocently) Different? In what way? (Heather rolls her eyes. Then someone knocks.)  
JONATHAN: (whispering) That's one difference.

JENNY: (whispering back) Should I hide?

JONATHAN: Yeah, but quick!

ANGELA: (offscreen) Jonathan? (Jenny dashes towards the closet. Jonathan wants to stop her, but he can't get out of bed fast enough. Jenny yanks open the closet door and sees Heather. Both girls scream. Angela yanks open the bedroom door and screams. Jonathan puts his head in his hands. Cut to commercial.)

Scene VI: The living room, a minute earlier

(Tony is looking at the want ads and seems discouraged. He brightens up when Angela enters the front door.)

ANGELA: (setting down her briefcase) Honey, I'm home.

TONY: Welcome back. (He goes over to her and gives her a warm hug and kiss.) How was your day?  
ANGELA: Great! I've got two new clients.

TONY: Congratulations!

ANGELA: Thank you. How was your day?

TONY: (sighing) Quiet. I just did the fall cleaning, moved down some more of Jonathan's stuff from his old room, and made lunch for me and him. Dinner will be ready in about ten minutes.

ANGELA: Tony, you don't have to do all that. You're not my housekeeper anymore.

TONY: I may as well be. No one else will hire me.

ANGELA: Don't get discouraged. You'll find something.

TONY: I don't know, Angela. School's already started and who'd be looking for a teacher now?

ANGELA: Maybe you could become a substitute.

TONY: Yeah, I guess. (She gives him a kiss on the cheek.)

ANGELA: I have faith in you.

TONY: (meaning it) Thank you.

ANGELA: How's Jonathan doing?

TONY: OK I guess. It's been a rough last couple days for him.

ANGELA: I'll go check on him. (She crosses to the back of the living room set, while Tony heads towards the kitchen.)

Scene VII: The kitchen, a moment later

(Sam is again sitting in Hank's lap as they neck. Tony enters the swinging door.)

TONY: (getting tired of this) Samantha!

SAM: (standing up quickly) Sorry, Dad.

HANK: So when's dinner going to be ready?  
TONY: You know, you two do have a kitchen of your own.

SAM: Dad, you know I can't cook.

TONY: What are you going to do when you move further away than across the driveway?  
HANK: Order a lot of pizza? (Tony rolls his eyes but goes over to the stove to check on dinner. Then we hear the girls and then Angela screaming. Tony, Sam, and Hank look at each other in confusion. Then Mona comes in from outside.)

MONA: Did I just hear women screaming?

HANK: I think it was coming from Jonathan's new room.

MONA: I didn't think the kid had it in him.

TONY: (scolding) Mona.

SAM: Wow, Mona, are you getting home just now? What was that, a two-day date?

MONA: Don't be silly, Samantha. I did go in to work today. (Angela enters from the swinging door. She looks shell-shocked.)  
TONY: Angela? Baby, are you all right?

ANGELA: (hysterically) Jonathan—two girls—the closet—and I heard someone talk about kissing—and a heart on the bottom of the foot!

SAM: Jonathan was kissing a girl in his closet, and stepping on the other one's heart?

HANK: Oh, I thought two girls came out of the closet together and stepped on Jonathan's heart.

MONA: Oh, I thought she was talking about some sort of foot fetish. (Tony looks at the three of them in disbelief then at Angela in sympathy.)  
TONY: (leading her to a chair) Sit down, Baby. Just breathe. (Angela inhales and exhales slowly.) Is that better? (She nods.) OK, now just slowly and calmly, tell us what happened.

ANGELA: (slowly and calmly) Jonathan. Two girls. The closet. And I heard someone talk about kissing. And a heart on the bottom of the foot.

TONY: Oh, why didn't you say so? (Heather and Jenny enter from the swinging door.)

HEATHER: Mrs. Bower, it wasn't what it looked like.

JENNY: Mrs. Micelli, neither of us have even kissed Jonathan. (glaring at Heather) At least not recently.

HEATHER: And we're not going to. At least I'm not. Not when he can't make up his mind about us.  
HANK: How can you expect him to make up his mind when he hasn't even kissed you? Recently. (Everyone but Mona stares at him.)

MONA: He's got a good point.

ANGELA: No, he does not! (Jonathan hobbles through the swinging door, using a crutch. He looks overwhelmed, particularly by the crowd he finds in the kitchen.)

JONATHAN: Um, hi.

HEATHER: Kiss me, Jonathan.

JONATHAN: Huh?

JENNY: And then kiss me. And then make up your damn mind! (They all look shocked at demure-looking Jenny swearing.)

JONATHAN: I totally don't believe this. (He hobbles back out the door.)

TONY: See? What did I tell you?  
HANK: Yeah, but this time he left by the same door he entered.

HEATHER: Jonathan! (She goes after him.)

JENNY: Oh, no, you don't! (She goes after them.)

ANGELA: They wouldn't! (She storms out after them.)

MONA: Oo, it looks like I got home just in time. (She eagerly heads out to the living room.)

SAM: Hank, you coming?

HANK: Sam, what about Jonathan's privacy?

SAM: Come on, how often do you get to see a dweeb judge a kissing contest?

TONY: Samantha, don't call your stepbrother a dweeb!

SAM: Just because you and Angela got married, that doesn't mean everything has changed. (She exits and Hank reluctantly follows. Tony sighs and decides he may as well join everyone in the living room.)

Scene VIII: The living room, a moment later

(Reading the screen from left to right, Mona, Sam, and Hank are sitting on the couch. Jenny, Jonathan, and Heather are standing, Heather putting on lip gloss. Angela is closest to the kitchen.)

ANGELA: Tony, get a stopwatch.

TONY: (in disbelief) You want me to go get Bruce Weinberger?

ANGELA: No, just a stopwatch. I'm limiting them to fifteen seconds each. And no tongues!

MONA: Angela manages to be both strict and permissive.

ANGELA: Mother, I'm not happy about this.

JONATHAN: Neither am I. (They all look at him.) Well, maybe a little happy. I just would prefer this without an audience.

SAM: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dad, get your anniversary watch!

TONY: Samantha, that is a special watch. It was not meant for tawdry moments like this. I'll get the kitchen timer. Oh, dinner in five minutes. You're all invited. (He exits back to the kitchen.)

HEATHER: Maybe some of us won't want to stick around after the contest.

JENNY: Can't stand the heat of competition, huh, Harper?

HEATHER: Listen, Wittener— (Tony returns with an electronic kitchen timer.)

TONY: OK, let me know when to start. (Jonathan coughs.)

JONATHAN: OK, I'm ready. (He puckers up.)

SAM: Maybe I don't want to watch.

HANK: I know, but it's like passing an accident on the freeway. I can't look away.

ANGELA: Just get it over with!

MONA: Go for it, Heather! (Tony starts the timer as Heather leans in and gives Jonathan a sultry but close-mouthed kiss.)

ANGELA: (peeking through her fingers like it's a horror movie) Oh God!

TONY: Be glad there's no gum this time. And…time! (Angela steps over and waves her arms like she's a referee. Heather and Jonathan stop kissing. He looks like he's going to lose his balance on his crutch.)

HEATHER: (to Jenny) Top that, Witless.

JENNY: Piece of cake, Harpy.

MONA: You want to bet on this, Sam?

SAM: Gee, I don't know, Mone. Heather's got style but Jenny might be a dark horse.

TONY: (looking at Angela) Yeah, you gotta watch the quiet ones with glasses.

ANGELA: (blushing but trying to be stern) Jennifer, you're up. And be quick about it.

JENNY: Yes, Mrs. Micelli. (She approaches Jonathan shyly, then looks around at everyone.)

MONA: (grandmotherly) Just forget we're here, Dear. (aside to Sam) Five bucks on Four Eyes. (Sam nods.)

ANGELA: Tony?  
TONY: Ready when they are, Angela.

JENNY: (to Jonathan) Should I take off my glasses?  
JONATHAN: (to Tony and Angela) Does that count as part of the fifteen seconds?

TONY: I'm just timing lip contact. (Jonathan nods encouragingly at Jenny, who takes off her glasses.)

JONATHAN: Wow, you're really pretty without your glasses! Not that you're not pretty with them. (glancing at Heather) And not that you're not pretty.

JENNY: Jonathan, shut up and kiss me. (He does. But unnoticed by everyone, Wendy Wittener enters from the front door Angela left open when she came home.)

TONY: And…time! (The kiss stops.)

WENDY: What the hell is going on?

JENNY: (embarrassed) Oh, hi, Mom.

HEATHER: (false sweetly) Hi, Mrs. Wittener.

ANGELA: You want to know what's going on, Wendy? Your daughter and her friend besieged my poor wounded son in his bedroom!

WENDY: And so you're making them kiss in the living room while Tony times them?

ANGELA: Well, not exactly.

WENDY: Never mind. Girls, you're going home right now.

HEATHER: But I didn't do anything!

WENDY: Your mother is on the phone and she wants to talk to you.

HEATHER: (nervously) About what?

WENDY: Well, she and your father have decided that rather than sell your house, they're going to rent it. I was going to ask Tony and Angela if they know of any prospective tenants, but now! I don't think so!

SAM: (excitedly) Hank, we could rent it!

HANK: Sam, we can't afford to rent a house, especially when you're not out of school yet.

SAM: We could get roommates!

HANK: I don't know if I want to live with anyone else. It's been weird enough living with your family. (Cut to commercial.)

Scene IX: The kitchen, that night

(Tony and Angela are eating ice cream and dressed in robes and pajamas, as if this is a midnight snack.)

ANGELA: Well, I'm glad that's all straightened out.

TONY: Yeah, and Sam and Hank will be living next door, far enough away for privacy but still close enough to drop in at mealtimes. And they swear they'll stop necking in our kitchen.

ANGELA: Yes, and Mother will get her apartment back, so she's happy.

TONY: Of course, we'll still have to figure out how to chaperone Jonathan in his bachelor pad while having privacy upstairs.

ANGELA: He never did say which girl was the better kisser.

TONY: He's probably like me, Angela. The last is the best.

ANGELA: But I was also your first.  
TONY: And you're a quiet one with glasses.

ANGELA: Sometimes I'm quiet. (Tony growls. She growls back.)

TONY: So, Angela, you wanna neck in the kitchen?

ANGELA: Why not? We're alone. (They kiss but then Jonathan enters from outside, dressed as if for a date, still with his crutch, so they stop.)

JONATHAN: Pretend I'm not here, because in a moment I won't be. (He exits through the swinging door.)  
TONY: Do you think he was out with Jenny? Or maybe—

ANGELA: Tony, shut up and kiss me. (He does. The end credits roll.)


	3. Backfield in Motion

_TV Guide_ capsule for Saturday, Oct. 10, 1992:

**9 PM Who's the Boss?—Comedy**

Tony lands a teaching/coaching job at Fairfield High School, much to Jonathan's chagrin. Meanwhile, Sam and Hank try to find roommates so that they can rent the house next door.

Scene I: The Bower-Micelli living room, an autumn Friday evening

(Sam and Hank are kissing on the couch. She reluctantly breaks away.)

SAM: OK, Hank, we have to get back to the list.

HANK: List?

SAM: Of possible housemates?

HANK: Oh, that list.

SAM: Come on, Hank, if we're going to move into the Harpers' by the 1st, we have to find two other paying tenants.

HANK: Sam, I don't know about this.

SAM: Come on, it's a great house!

HANK: I know, Sam, but I like Mona's apartment.

SAM: So does she. And everyone wants her to move back there.

HANK: (sighing) OK, read off to me what our options are.

SAM: We live with strangers. Or live with friends.

HANK: That's all we've got?

SAM: You distracted me!

HANK: Oh. Well, yeah, I guess the Harpers are going to want us to get a little more specific.

SAM: Yeah. Now, if it's strangers, we're going to have to place an ad and interview a bunch of people, which between your job and my classes is going to be hard to schedule.

HANK: Yeah. Maybe I should just get a better-paying job.

SAM: I thought you like it at the library, doing puppet shows and everything.

HANK: I do, but they can't pay me much.

SAM: Which is why, for now, we'll look for housemates. OK, the friends option. Your friends or mine?  
HANK: We could have one of each.

SAM: What if they don't get along?

HANK: Sam, some of your friends don't get along with each other.  
SAM: True.

HANK: Why don't we just have Mona rent the house, and she can fill it with her friends?  
SAM: You want the place raided?

HANK: (laughing) I love you.

SAM: I love you, too. (They kiss again, but she stops it again.) Hank!

HANK: Sorry, I can't resist an empty house.

SAM: I know! Let's get housemates that are always out of town!

HANK: Yeah! Like stewardesses!

SAM: I don't think so, Honey.

HANK: Just a suggestion. By the way, where is everyone?

SAM: The football game. Jonathan's Marching Band teacher figured out how he can march with his foot in a cast. And Jenny Wittener said she'd help him stand up. She plays the flute, so at least it's a light instrument.

HANK: Did he ever decide between her and Heather Harper?

SAM: Not yet. He needs "more time." (She shakes her head.) I think he's enjoying having two girls after him.

HANK: Hey, isn't Heather a cheerleader?

SAM: Yeah, so?

HANK: Those cute little skirts? The pom-poms? I think Jonathan will make up his mind tonight.

SAM: You know, I was on the drill team in junior high.

HANK: Yeah? I bet you were real cute!

SAM: You pervert!

HANK: Do you still have the outfit?

SAM: Yeah, but it's too small now.

HANK: I don't mind.

SAM: You are a pervert!

HANK: (nuzzling her neck) Come on, Sam, if you put it on, I'll— (He whispers something in her ear. She blushes and smiles.)

SAM: Well, it might be up in the attic.

HANK: Be careful up there. My dad secured the floor but he said to still use caution.

SAM: Poor Jonathan, five more weeks! (The front door opens to Tony, Angela, and Jonathan, he with his foot still in the cast from the last episode. Angela is carrying Jonathan's accordion. Sam and Hank exchange looks of disappointment at being interrupted and relief that they weren't doing anything at the moment.)

HANK: Hey, how was the game?

TONY: (shaking his head) I've been in professional sports, and I'm a hockey fan, but I've never seen anything that brutal!

SAM: Did one of the players get injured?  
ANGELA: (setting the accordion down on the coffee table) No, the coach.

SAM &amp; HANK: The coach?!

JONATHAN: Yeah, Coach Grumby is kind of in your face. And he was on the field and he got run over.

TONY: By his own team!

HANK: In a car?

JONATHAN: No, they were on foot.

TONY: It was a stampede!

ANGELA: Jonathan, I'm so glad you play the accordion instead of football!

JONATHAN: Are you kidding? They were heading for the keyboard section before Grumby got in their way.

HANK: That's some team.

TONY: They just need to focus.

SAM: Focus? It sounds like they need seeing-eye dogs!

TONY: Samantha.

SAM: What happened to Coach Barnes? The team won a lot when I was in high school.

JONATHAN: He retired and now we've got Grumby. Or we had him. He'll probably be out of commission for a few weeks. On the bright side, he's also the History teacher, so that means I don't have to worry about my History paper.

ANGELA: Jonathan.

JONATHAN: I'm kidding, Mom. The other bright side is that with all the confusion, I didn't have to decide between Heather and Jenny after the game, like I promised.

ANGELA: Jonathan, I don't think you're being fair to either girl.

JONATHAN: Mom, I'm only sixteen. I'm too young to settle down.

ANGELA: I'm not asking you to get married. I'm just asking you to choose one of these girls, or neither if that's what you want.

SAM: Angela, do you really want him to go steady?

T &amp; A: (remembering what they went through with her) No!

JONATHAN: I just thought of another bright side. With Coach Grumby injured, then they might cancel the homecoming game in a couple weeks and then I don't have to decide who to take to the dance.

ANGELA: Jonathan, that's a terrible thing to say!

TONY: Yeah, couldn't you just use your foot as an excuse not to go? (Angela gives him an annoyed look. The phone rings.)

JONATHAN: If that's for me, I'm not here. (Tony shakes his head but goes to the phone.)  
TONY: Bower— (as if still getting used to this) Bower-Micelli residence. (Hank clears his throat. Tony sighs.) Bower-Micelli-Thomopoulos residence. Yeah, this is Tony Micelli. (pause) Uh huh. (to the family) It's Jonathan's high school principal.

JONATHAN: I didn't do anything! (Angela looks suspicious, even though Jonathan is a good kid.)

TONY: Yeah, I was there. I saw the whole thing! Does Gumby need a witness? Sorry, Grumby. (pause) Well, yeah, a women's volleyball team. (They all look at him.) And some other sports. (pause) You're kiddin' me! That'd be great! Yeah, I'll see you first thing Monday. Thanks, bye! (They're all still looking at him.)

ANGELA: Tony, what was that all about?

TONY: You're not gonna believe this, but he offered me Gumby's, I mean Grumby's job.

JONATHAN: (horrified) NNNNNOOOOOOOOOO! (Cut to opening credits.)

Scene II: The Bower-Micelli-Thomopoulos living room, a few moments later

(Everyone is as they were, except that Jonathan has his head in his hands, while still leaning on the crutch.)  
JONATHAN: (mumbling) No, no, no, no!

ANGELA: Um, I guess I should close the front door. (She's about to, but Bonnie comes in.)

BONNIE: Hi, Everyone! (She closes the door behind her.) Did you hear that someone got hurt at the high school football game? (Jonathan lets out a cry of pain. Bonnie looks at his foot.) Oh, no, Jonathan, it was you?

JONATHAN: I don't want to talk about it.

BONNIE: (accusatory towards the others) Why are you making him stand on his feet when he's been injured? Here, Jonathan, lean on me.

JONATHAN: (as if trying to be brave) OK. (He puts his arm around her.)

ANGELA: Jonathan.

JONATHAN: (as Bonnie helps him over to the couch) Not now, Mom.

BONNIE: (to Sam and Hank) Move over, you two.

SAM: Bonnie, Jonathan hurt his foot last week.

BONNIE: But it still hurts, doesn't it, you poor boy?

JONATHAN: (biting his lip) Mm hm.

BONNIE: Scoot over, Sam! (Sam rolls her eyes but she scoots closer to Hank. Bonnie carefully eases Jonathan onto the couch, taking his crutch.) There is that better?

JONATHAN: Yes, thank you.

SAM: Bonnie, the person who got hurt tonight was Coach Grumby. And Jonathan is just upset because they want Dad to replace him.

BONNIE: Is that true, Jonathan?

JONATHAN: Well, sort of. (Bonnie decides not to sit down next to him.)

BONNIE: Why would that upset you? Mr. Micelli is so cool!

TONY: Thanks for the vote of confidence, Bonnie.

ANGELA: I think the problem is that Mr. Gumby—

JONATHAN: Grumby, Mom.

ANGELA: Well, he's not just the coach but the History teacher. Jonathan's History teacher.

SAM: Yeah, and I can kind of understand Jonathan's problem. I mean, Dad is sort of like his dad. And I wouldn't want him as my teacher!

TONY: Thanks, Sam.

ANGELA: It may be a little awkward, Tony.

JONATHAN: A little?

TONY: Come on, I won't treat you any different than the other students.

HANK: Jonathan, I think you're being really selfish.

SAM: Honey!

HANK: I'm sorry, Sam, but poor Tony had a hard time finding a job last spring and then when he finally did, he had to move all the way to Idaho—

ANGELA: Iowa.

HANK: Right. And he had to give up everything to do it. And then he gave up what he had there to come back to Angela. And now he finally has a chance at a great local teaching job, and Jonathan wants to stand in his way.

JONATHAN: What would you do if it was your dad teaching?

HANK: My dad? I'd drop out.

JONATHAN: See?

HANK: But Bonnie's right. Tony is cool.

TONY: Thanks, Hank.

JONATHAN: Well, is this permanent or temporary? I mean, if you're just substituting for a couple months, I guess I could stand it.

TONY: I forgot to ask. Should I call him back?  
ANGELA: You'll be seeing him on Monday. You can find out the details then. It may not even be something you want. You don't even know the salary yet. And you don't know if the team will promise not to run you over.

TONY: Angela, at this point, I'll take almost anything.

BONNIE: (picking up Sam's list) What's this? (reading out loud) _"Do it with strangers. Do it with friends."_

TONY: WHAT?

SAM: Dad, Hank and I were just brainstorming about what we want to do about housemates.

BONNIE: Is there room for housemates at Mona's apartment?

SAM: No, we have a chance to rent the Harpers' house next door.

BONNIE: Oh, cool, I've always loved that house! Not that this isn't a nice house, too.

T &amp; A: Thanks, Bonnie.

HANK: Hey, I've got an idea!

SAM: (warningly) No, you don't.

HANK: I don't?

BONNIE: I do! What if I move into the Harpers' with you guys?

SAM: I thought you were living with Julia.  
BONNIE: I am, but she's such an airhead!

HANK: Then I guess I won't suggest Julia as the fourth housemate.

BONNIE: Oo, could we get a cute guy as the fourth housemate?

TONY &amp; HANK: No!

JONATHAN: Yeah, get another girl. (They all look at him.) Well, women are easier to live with.

HANK: See, Sam? Stewardesses.

JONATHAN: (eagerly) Stewardesses?

SAM: I don't think so.

TONY: Wait a minute, you're gonna have either two girls living with you and Hank, or Bonnie and a "cute guy"?

SAM: Well, we could forget Bonnie and make it two cute guys.

T, H, &amp; J: No!

BONNIE: How about me and two cute guys? We could split the rent five ways instead of four.

TONY: How about I take this job at Jonathan's school and turn over my entire salary to Sam and Hank so they don't need housemates?

SAM: Works for me.  
HANK: Yeah, I'm cool with that.

JONATHAN: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!

Scene III: The Bower-Micelli-Thomopoulos-Robinson kitchen, late afternoon on Monday

(Tony is cooking dinner. Mona enters from outside.)

TONY: Hey, Mone, how was work?

MONA: It was work. But otherwise good. And what about you? Angela told me about your job interview at Jonathan's school.

TONY: It went great. They're not sure if it will be temporary or permanent, since the old coach is stubborn and refuses to retire, even when he's been injured. But either way, I'll be teaching History, and coaching whatever sports are seasonal while I'm there.

MONA: Good for you! I know Jonathan's not happy about it, but it'll at least add to your résumé.

TONY: That's what I figure. The thing is, the principal wants me to meet with the old coach, to sort of get his approval for something more permanent. But if Grumby likes me—

MONA: Jonas Grumby?

TONY: Uh, yeah, I think so.

MONA: That's the same coach who was at Fairfield High when Angela went there, over twenty-five years ago. Before she switched to Montague Academy.

TONY: Yeah? How come Angela didn't recognize the name?

MONA: Angela didn't exactly care about sports then. It took a certain hunky ex-jock to change that.

TONY: (grinning) Well, I do what I can.

ANGELA: Tony, I'm home!

TONY: Excuse me. (He runs out of the room. Mona smiles and shakes her head at the newlywed.)

Scene IV: The Bower-Micelli-Thomopoulos-Robinson living room, shortly thereafter

(Tony and Angela are in the midst of a huge smooch.)

TONY: I missed you so much today, Baby!

ANGELA: I missed you, too, Darling! (More smooching.)

MONA: (entering from the kitchen) Are you going to go through this every Monday?

ANGELA: (both embarrassed and indignant) Of course not, Mother.

TONY: Yeah, school will be closed for Columbus Day.

ANGELA: Tony, you got the job?

TONY: Yeah, I did!

ANGELA: Oh, Tony! (She gives him a big congratulatory kiss. Mona rolls her eyes.)  
MONA: I'll let you know when dinner's ready. (She exits back to the kitchen.)

ANGELA: (reluctant to stop kissing) Tony, Mother can't cook.

TONY: Let it burn. Let's go upstairs and celebrate.

ANGELA: Well, I was going to take you out to a nice restaurant to celebrate. But I like your idea better. (They run upstairs, hand in hand. The room is empty for a beat and then Sam enters the front door with Wendy Wittener.)

WENDY: (holding up keys on a chain) Now, Sam, the Harpers entrusted me with these keys. Can I trust you with them even before you're renting the house?  
SAM: Of course Mrs. Wittener. Hank and I will just go over there to check the place out and after that only to bring prospective tenants through.

WENDY: (handing the keys over) OK. And, Sam, can you do me a favor?  
SAM: Sure, what?  
WENDY: Can you talk to your stepbrother and ask him to please make up his mind between Jenny and Heather?  
SAM: (sighing) I've tried.

WENDY: You know, it's not easy living with both girls right now.

SAM: Oo, yeah, that must be rough!

WENDY: Rough? Herb and I are about ready to pay to rent the Harpers' house ourselves, just to move Heather back home.

SAM: I'm sorry. I'll talk to him again. It's just he's upset right now because Dad might be taking a job at Fairfield High.

WENDY: Yeah, Jenny told me. How did his interview go?

SAM: Well—

TONY: (offscreen from upstairs) ALL RIGHT!

SAM: He seems pretty happy.

ANGELA: (also offscreen from upstairs) YES YES YES!

SAM: (embarrassed) And Angela is happy for him.

WENDY: (shaking her head) Newlyweds.

SAM: Yeah. (Jonathan enters the open front door and looks self-conscious at seeing Wendy.)  
JONATHAN: Um, hi, Mrs. Wittener.

WENDY: Jonathan!

JONATHAN: Yes, Ma'am?

WENDY: Listen up! You either choose one of those poor girls, or I'm sending them both back to boarding school.

JONATHAN: Um, is there a deadline?

WENDY: By homecoming.

JONATHAN: Oh, well, you know Coach Grumby was injured.

WENDY: Yes, and he's been replaced. Two weeks from Friday, Jonathan. Or else! (She exits dramatically.)

JONATHAN: (to Sam) So I guess they hired Tony?

TONY: (still offscreen) OH YEAH!

SAM: Does that answer your question?

JONATHAN: I'm going to take Heather to the movies.

SAM: So Hank was right! You do like Heather better.

JONATHAN: No. It's just she's taller and more fun to lean on.

SAM: Very romantic, Jonathan. (He shrugs. He exits the front door, passing Hank on his way in. The two guys exchange hellos and goodbyes before Jonathan disappears.)  
HANK: Where's Jonathan going?  
SAM: To the movies with Heather.

HANK: Aha, so I was right!

SAM: I think he's still deciding.

HANK: No, Sam, it's the power of the cheerleading uniform. Trust me on this.

SAM: Whatever.

HANK: Hey, do you want to go up to the attic and look for your drill team uniform?

ANGELA: OH, RIGHT THERE!

SAM: Not right now.

HANK: (looking up at the ceiling) Maybe we should go home to our apartment.

SAM: (jingling the keys) I've got a better idea. (He looks down at her, confused. Cut to commercial)

Scene V: The Harpers' dark empty ground floor, a few minutes later

(Sam unlocks the front door and she and Hank enter.)  
HANK: Sam, I don't know about this. I mean, it's not even our house yet.

SAM: It will be. Just as soon as we find the right housemates.

HANK: Let's not count our housemates before they're hatched.

SAM: Come on, Hank. This may be our only chance to be here alone.

HANK: Yeah, but there's no furniture. No electricity.

SAM: We can make our own electricity. Enough to light up a small city. (She gives him a big kiss.)

HANK: Well, darkness can be fun.

SAM: And I did bring a candle. This'll be very romantic.

HANK: Without furniture?  
SAM: We just have to be creative.

HANK: Well, I am a puppeteer. (They start making out. They don't notice that someone comes through the open door.)

YOUNG MAN: (with a thick Brooklyn accent) Ay, how am I supposed to look at this place if I can't see nothin'?

SAM: Al?

HANK: Sweetie, we are not sub-letting to Al Rossini!

AL: Good, 'cause my last name is Gallo.

SAM: Let me light the candle. (She does so. She and Hank both straighten their clothes, although Al doesn't seem bothered.) Al, who told you about this house?

AL: My niece of course.

HANK: His niece?

SAM: Mrs. Rossini.

HANK: He's Mrs. Rossini's uncle? I thought he was her nephew.  
AL: Her favorite uncle. And she knows I been thinkin' about moving my salon to Fairfield.

SAM: You have?  
AL: Yeah. I mean, I love Brooklyn, but from what I seen visiting you and Tony, the broads in this town could use a good hairdresser.

HANK: What a noble ambition.

AL: Thanks. So my funds will be in flux for awhile before I get settled up here, but this sounded like a great opportunity. And I'd be livin' next door to my good buddy Tony.

HANK: And living with your good buddy Sam.

AL: (putting his arm around her shoulders) Yeah, me and Sam go way back. Four years!

HANK: (starting to get a little jealous) Yeah?

AL: Yeah, I even went out with her a couple times. And she managed my band. Oh, and she pretended to be my wife last year.

HANK: Last year? When was this?

AL: Right before she met you. Or was it after, Sam?  
SAM: Um, I think it was before. (pulling away and handing Al the candle) Here. Go take a look around. See what you think of the house.

AL: Cool. This is kinda spooky, like Halloween. I like that. (He exits to the kitchen.)

HANK: So you went out with him?  
SAM: It was four years ago!

HANK: And you "pretended to be his wife"?

SAM: It was just to help him get an apartment.

HANK: And now he wants to share a house with you.

SAM: Hank, Al and I are just friends!

HANK: Uh huh.

SAM: God, you're as bad as Matt!

HANK: I'm as bad as you're ex-fiancé? I can't wait to hear how!

SAM: Well, I was renting a house with an engaged couple, and when they broke up and the guy flirted with me, Matt got the wrong idea.

HANK: Oh?  
SAM: Let me start over.

HANK: No wonder you wanted to live with two cute guys. Is that going to be enough for you?

SAM: (quietly furious) You did not just say that.  
HANK: Kitten, I'm sorry!

SAM: Don't talk to me!

HANK: Kitty-cat, please! Meow? Purr? Tomcat is so sowwy!

BONNIE: (at the front door) Oh, Hank, are you practicing for library storytime?

SAM: Bonnie, what are you doing here?

BONNIE: Mrs. Wittener said you had the keys to this house, and Mona said you weren't home, so I figured you'd come over here.

HANK: Uh, yeah, we wanted to take a look at it.

BONNIE: In the dark?

SAM: We lost our candle.

BONNIE: Why don't you just turn on the lights? (She flicks a switch. The living room lights up. Sam and Hank look at each other.)  
HANK: I guess the Harpers haven't canceled the electricity.

SAM: I guess not.

BONNIE: Gee, this house is great! So when can we move in?

SAM: Well, Bonnie…. (Al reenters from the kitchen.)

AL: Wow, this place is even cooler with lights on! (He blows out the candle.)

BONNIE: (grabbing Sam's arm and speaking confidentially) Oo, Sam, is Al one of the two cute guys?

SAM: Um.

AL: Hey, Bonnie, nice to see you. But I was here first.

HANK: (warmly) Al, Bonnie. There's room enough here for everyone. (Sam shoots him a look like, _What are you up to?_)

Scene VI: Tuesday evening, the B-M-T-R dining room

(Tony is at the head of the table, Angela at the foot. Jonathan and Mona sit on one side of the table, Sam and Hank on the other. There's an empty chair on each side. The mood is quiet and tense.)

MONA: (fearless as always) So how was school today?

JONATHAN: Great, if you like listening all day to girls talk about the hunky new History teacher.

TONY: (flattered) Yeah?

JONATHAN: Yeah. The girls think you're "really cute for an old guy"?

TONY: (hurt) Old?! (Angela tries to hide her amusement.)

JONATHAN: And of course everyone thinks that Tony's going to give me easy A's in History. But I know he's going to grade me harder than anyone.

TONY: Well, I talked to your guidance counselor, Jonathan, and she said you haven't fully applied yourself and need to—

JONATHAN: See? This is another thing I was afraid of.

MONA: (to Sam and Hank) So any luck finding housemates? (The young couple exchange nervous glances and then look over at Tony.)  
SAM: Dad, you'll be pleased to know we won't need your entire salary.

TONY: I was kidding, Sam.

SAM: Good one, Dad.

HANK: Tony, when we asked to use the dining room tonight, it was because we wanted you to meet our prospective housemates.

TONY: Kids, look, you're adults. I'm sure whoever you choose will be great. Even if it's Bonnie.

SAM: Funny you should say that. (Bonnie enters.)  
BONNIE: Hi, I'm not too late for dinner, am I?

TONY: Oh, you did choose Bonnie. Who's the other girl? Julia? Marci?  
AL: (entering) Yo.

TONY: Al is the other gir—housemate?

SAM: Yeah, Dad, isn't that great? It's two people you already know and like.

TONY: I don't think so, Sam.

BONNIE: (pouting) You don't like us?

JONATHAN: (patting the seat next to him) I like you.

AL: (sitting in that chair) Thanks, Jonathan. (Jonathan looks disappointed.)

TONY: I like Bonnie and Al as people, not as your housemates.

AL: Ay, I got references!

TONY: No, Al, the problem is, well, you and Bonnie aren't married.

AL: Wow, Sam, I knew your dad was strict, but this!

TONY: You'd be two young unmarried people living together.

SAM: With us, Dad. Me and Hank.

TONY: Yeah, you two would be great chaperones. (Doorbell.)

BONNIE: I'll get it! (She exits.)

TONY: Who's this? The other "cute guy"?

MONA: Oh, it's probably my date.

TONY: You invited a date over? Tonight?

MONA: Well, I live here, don't I?

TONY: I'm losing track of who lives where. Angela, say something!

ANGELA: Do we have enough place settings? (Bonnie enters the room with a crusty old man in a wheelchair and a sailor's cap. He's played by Alan Hale, Jr., who didn't die in 1990 in this universe.) Oh dear, I'm not sure this room is ADA-compliant.

BONNIE: Look who's here, Mr. Grumpy!

OLD MAN: (grumpily) Grumby, with a B.

MONA: (getting to her feet) Jonas, how have you been?

OLD MAN/ JONAS: I've been better. (getting a good look at her and smiling surprisingly warmly) Mona? You never change!

MONA: (smiling back) I know.

JONAS: So where's this son-in-law of yours?

MONA: Tony, meet Jonas Grumby. Jonas, meet Tony Micelli.

JONAS: Micelli? Are you the young punk they're trying to replace me with? (The kids and their friends are very amused.)

AL: Young punk? Tony? You're kiddin', right?

JONAS: Who's the hoodlum?

TONY: Um, my daughter's new housemate.

SAM: Really, Dad?

TONY: Well, you can try it and see how it goes.

SAM: (leaning over and giving him a hug) Thanks, Dad!

JONAS: You're letting your daughter live with a hoodlum?

TONY: It's OK. She's married to that young punk over there. (He points at Hank.)  
JONAS: Isn't that the kid who plays with dolls at the library?

ANGELA: Mr. Gumby—

JONATHAN: Grumby, Mom.

ANGELA: Right, sorry. Mr. Grumby—

JONAS: Call me "Skipper," Young Lady.

ANGELA: Thank you, Sir. Well, Skipper, we're all very sorry for your unfortunate accident. But I assure you that my husband will do his best—

JONAS: Which one is your husband?

ANGELA: Tony.

JONAS: Oh. I need a chart for this. Mona, is this the daughter with the baby fat?

MONA: The one and only.

JONAS: Oh, I remember you. Braces. Played the tuba.

ANGELA: Cello.

JONAS: Right. I never had you in my classes, but I heard you were a bright girl. And this Minelli here—

ANGELA: Micelli.

JONAS: Right, sorry. He's your husband?

ANGELA: And a former professional baseball player.

JONAS: Is that so, Micelli?

TONY: Yes, Sir.  
JONAS: You know anything about football?

TONY: I know enough.

JONAS: I like your spirit, Little Buddy. OK, I'll let you have my boys. For now. But remember, they're still my team.

TONY: Yes, Sir. I'll tell them to win one for the Skipper. (Cut to commercial.)

Scene VII: Angela's remodeled bedroom, now shared with Tony, Friday night

(Tony is lying in bed, just wearing his pajama bottoms and a proud smile. The only light is from the bathroom.)

ANGELA: (offscreen, speaking from the bathroom) You were amazing tonight! Those moves! So creative! I've never seen anything like it!

TONY: Not even on our wedding night?

ANGELA: I meant your coaching. It's Fairfield's first win of the year!

TONY: Well, thank you. I can't take all the credit. The boys played a good game, and of course I couldn't have done it without the love of a good woman.

ANGELA: Then let's make sure you have a championship season. (A click as the bathroom light goes out, throwing everything into darkness. Pause.)  
TONY: Angela, where did you find this skimpy little drill team uniform? (Roll end credits.)


	4. Baby, What a Big Surprise

_TV Guide_ capsule for Saturday, Oct. 31, 1992:

**9 PM Who's the Boss?—Comedy**

Angela tries to find a good opportunity to tell Tony her news, despite distractions like the Halloween/housewarming party Sam and Hank are throwing.

Scene I: Angela's office at the Bower Agency

(Angela is sitting at her desk, with her calendar in front of her, muttering to herself. Mona enters.)

MONA: Dear, are you all right?

ANGELA: I'm not sure.

MONA: A scheduling conflict?  
ANGELA: You could say that.

MONA: Do you want me to move some meetings around?

ANGELA: I don't think that would help.

MONA: Angela?

ANGELA: (looking up) Mother, if I tell you, you can't tell anyone.

MONA: I'd better close the door. (She does and comes closer.) Well?

ANGELA: I'm not positive, but I think I'm pregnant.

MONA: No, I think that would make you positive.

ANGELA: Mother.

MONA: You're serious, aren't you?

ANGELA: Very serious.

MONA: But you and Tony just got married a month ago. You can't be sure this early.

ANGELA: Oh, yes, I can.

MONA: (delighted) You little hussy! You did it in Iowa, didn't you?

ANGELA: Well, yes. And we were careful. Most of the time.

MONA: Most of the time?  
ANGELA: (blushing) Well, there was this once, when we got a little carried away.

MONA: Once is all it takes.

ANGELA: Yes. And when I was late, well, there was the stress of breaking up with Tony.

MONA: And you're no spring chicken.

ANGELA: Thank you.

MONA: Wow, a baby!

ANGELA: Maybe.

MONA: Are you excited? Scared?

ANGELA: Yes, both.

MONA: Have you told Tony yet?

ANGELA: No, I wanted to wait till I was sure. You know Tony. He tends to go a little over the top.

MONA: Yes, just a little. He's going to be thrilled you know.

ANGELA: I know. And we did talk about maybe having a baby after we'd been married awhile.

MONA: Well, you've still got, what, six months?  
ANGELA: Yes. Though I was hoping that Jonathan would be off at college first.

MONA: (shaking her head) No empty nest for you two, huh?

ANGELA: Right. And Sam and Hank haven't even moved next door yet.

MONA: I wonder what the kids are going to say.

ANGELA: Mother, I swore you to secrecy.

MONA: OK, OK. Can I at least change my bet in the office pool?  
ANGELA: Mother!

Scene II: The living room at home, that evening

(Tony is grading papers. Jonathan is standing behind the couch and looking over Tony's shoulder. We later see he still has his foot in a cast.)  
TONY: Jonathan, do you mind?  
JONATHAN: I just wondered if you got to my Christopher Columbus 500th anniversary essay yet.

TONY: No, not yet. And I'm not going to with you in the room.

JONATHAN: Tony, this is torture! Do you know how hard it is living with one of my teachers?  
TONY: Yeah, probably as hard as living with one of my students.

JONATHAN: OK, if you flunk me, just promise you'll tell me at home. It'd be too humiliating to find out at school.

TONY: I'm not gonna flunk you. You're a good student. And I know you try your best.

JONATHAN: Well, thanks. So do you think I'll get an A? (Tony sighs and gathers up the papers and his marking pen. He shakes his head and exits to the kitchen. Jonathan calls after him.) A-? I'll settle for B+! (Angela enters from the front door, looking a little stunned.) Hi, Mom, great news, huh?

ANGELA: (looking more stunned) Who told you?

JONATHAN: Sam and Hank of course.

ANGELA: How do they know?

JONATHAN: (confused) Well, it's their Halloween-slash-housewarming party. Theirs, Bonnie's, and Al's.

ANGELA: I thought they weren't moving in till the 1st.

JONATHAN: The Harpers are letting them move in a day early.  
ANGELA: So they're going to move everything over and then throw a party that night?

JONATHAN: I know, it's crazy, right? But that's one less day that Grandma's out of her old apartment. Where is Grandma?

ANGELA: She had to stop at the store for something.

JONATHAN: Oh. Mom, are we going to change chores around here, now that Tony's got a job outside the home?  
ANGELA: (hesitantly) I think that's something we should discuss as a family.

JONATHAN: Well, I guess it can wait till all the moving is done.

ANGELA: Yes, probably.

JONATHAN: Oh, and, Mom, I have other great news.  
ANGELA: What's that, Sweetheart?

JONATHAN: I figured out what to do about the homecoming dance.

ANGELA: Well, good. Seeing as it's Saturday night.

JONATHAN: I know, but it took me awhile to make up my mind.

ANGELA: So? Are you taking Jenny or Heather?  
JONATHAN: I'm taking both.  
ANGELA: No, Jonathan, it doesn't work like that.

JONATHAN: No, I mean as friends. And neighbors.

ANGELA: Well, um, that's nice.

JONATHAN: See, I was talking to Al about girls—

ANGELA: You're taking romantic advice from that Neanderthal?

JONATHAN: Al's a lot smarter than he seems.

MONA: (as she comes in with a small bag) So's Dan Quayle. But that's not saying much, is it?

ANGELA: (heading towards the kitchen) Tony!

JONATHAN: (calling after her) See if you can find out what grade I'm getting!

Scene III: The kitchen, a moment later

(Tony is still grading papers. Angela enters from the swinging door.)

TONY: Hey, Angela, how was work?

ANGELA: Tony, we need to talk.

TONY: That bad, huh? (Sam and Hank enter, beaming.) Hey, Jonathan told me your good news.

SAM: How did he find out?

TONY: Didn't you invite him?

SAM: Dad, what are you talking about?

TONY: Your big party. What are you talking about, Samantha?

HANK: (unable to contain himself) We're pregnant! (Tony looks stunned. Angela is caught off guard. Cut to opening credits.)

Scene IV: The kitchen, a moment later

(The two couples are as we left them.)

TONY: We are?

SAM: Yeah, Dad, isn't it great?

TONY: You're too young!

SAM: I'm the same age you were.

TONY: That's different. I wasn't in college.

SAM: If we'd stayed back in Brooklyn, I'd probably have been married long enough to have two kids by now.

HANK: I'm glad you left Brooklyn.

SAM: (smiling lovingly at him) Me, too.

TONY: Sam, you won't even finish your junior year before the baby's born.

SAM: Yes, I will. I'm only one month along. And this is October.

TONY: That still leaves your senior year. Do you really think you can finish that when you've got a baby to take care of?  
ANGELA: (finding her voice at last) Maybe you're mistaken. One month is too soon to be sure.

SAM: I know, but I just feel like I'm pregnant. I sense it. I mean, didn't you just know when you were pregnant with Jonathan?  
ANGELA: (quietly) I can't remember.

TONY: This is your fault, isn't it, Thomopoulos?

HANK: It's not anyone's "fault," Micelli.

SAM: OK, yes, Dad, we didn't plan this, but we're happy about it. We thought you would be, too. Don't you want grandkids?

TONY: I just turned 40 a few months ago! No, I don't want grandkids yet.

SAM: Well, you're getting one whether or not you want one. (She storms out the door towards the garage.)

HANK: Tony, I know this is a surprise. But we can make it work. And there's a den in the Harpers' house that'll make a great nursery. (Tony simmers.)  
ANGELA: Hank, for your own safety, leave now. (Hanks nods and leaves. Tony goes over and slams the door shut. He swears loudly in Italian. Jonathan enters through the swinging door.)  
JONATHAN: OK, OK, I used a direct quote and passed it off as a paraphrase! I'm sorry!

ANGELA: Not now, Jonathan. Why don't you and your grandmother go pick up some Chinese take-out?

JONATHAN: Tony isn't cooking tonight?

ANGELA: (glancing at Tony) I don't think so.

JONATHAN: OK. Back soon.

ANGELA: Take your time. (Puzzled, Jonathan exits back out the swinging door.) Tony?

TONY: She's throwing her life away!

ANGELA: Tony, she's 20, not 15. And she has a good, loving husband.

TONY: Who makes hardly any money.

ANGELA: We can help them out.

TONY: You mean you can. I don't make enough as a high school teacher to support a grandbaby.

ANGELA: We're a family, Tony. We help each other out, and no one's keeping track of how much.

TONY: Are you tellin' me you're happy about this? Grandma? (She winces.)

ANGELA: I'll admit it's not the best news I've had all day. (She hesitates and then decides that the timing is all wrong to tell him.) But I think we need to be supportive. (Tony sits down and shakes his head.)

TONY: I used to dream about this day, Angela. Not this day, but the one where my baby would tell me she was gonna have a baby. Being brought up partly by my Grandpa Micelli, I know how important grandparents are. But when Sam and I moved to Connecticut, I started having different dreams for her, dreams that didn't include early marriage and motherhood.

ANGELA: But, Tony, she's right. In your old neighborhood, this would be perfectly normal and wonderful.

TONY: I know. And nothin' against women who are stay-at-home wives and mothers. I've been a housekeeper and I have a lot of respect for them. But when I met you, well, I started thinkin' about Sam becomin' a doctor or a lawyer or a businesswoman, somethin' big. (Angela smiles.) What?  
ANGELA: You're dropping your G's off your "ings."

TONY: Huh?  
ANGELA: Droppin'.

TONY: Oh, right. Don't tell Jonathan.

ANGELA: I won't.

TONY: And it might've been different if she had planned for this.

ANGELA: Accidents happen, Tony.

TONY: Yeah, but to my daughter?

ANGELA: They can happen to almost any woman.

TONY: Yeah, but Sam's so smart!

ANGELA: Even to smart women. (She waits, to see if he'll catch on. But he's too distracted by Sam's news.)

TONY: I guess. Angela, can you do me a favor?  
ANGELA: Anything, Tony.

TONY: Can you go invite Sam and Hank over for Chinese?

ANGELA: Don't you want to?

TONY: No, I need to calm down first.

ANGELA: OK. (She strokes his hair, thinking of how much she loves this pig-headed but big-hearted man. Then she exits to outside.)

Scene V: The living room, later that evening

(Mona, Jonathan, and Tony are sitting on the couch watching a horror movie. Sam and Hank are sitting in the chair on the right of the screen. Everyone is eating Chinese food and ad-libbing about how wonderfully stupid the movie is. Angela enters from the kitchen, with chocolate chip cookies. She smiles at her family and then suddenly has a quick flashback to the horror-movie-watching scene in "Eye on Angela." She shakes her head at how much has and hasn't changed in seven and a half years. She puts her hand on her still flat belly, thinking of the new babies that will be joining them next year.)

TONY: (glancing over at her) Come on, Baby, you're gonna miss the best part.

ANGELA: There's a best part?

JONATHAN: Yeah, where the girl tries to run up a down escalator!

SAM: Jonathan, you'll spoil it for Hank.  
HANK: Sam, I saw _Murder at the Mall 1, 2, _and_ 3-D._ I can probably guess what happens in _4_. (A girl screams and the music gets scary.) OK, that was a little surprising.

TONY: (patting the couch next to him) Sit down, Angela. (He glances at her again.) Why are you eating those?

ANGELA: I wanted cookies.

TONY: Yeah, but chocolate chip? Let's pause the movie and get out the fortune cookies. (He pauses the movie.)

HANK: Great idea, Tony. I can't wait to see what the future brings. (Tony glares at him, and then decides to be civil.)

TONY: (handing fortune cookies out) Yeah, who knows?

MONA: There's a great game you can play by adding a couple words to the fortune.

ANGELA: (warningly) Mother.

MONA: "In life."  
ANGELA: Oh, right.

JONATHAN: I always heard it as "in bed."  
TONY: (shaking his head) Remember when we had to watch ourselves around the baby of the family? (He suddenly remembers Sam and Hank's news. He glances at them, and then at Jonathan and Mona, who presumably don't know.)

HANK: Uh, I'll go first. (He cracks open his cookie.)

MONA: Brave man.

HANK: (reading aloud) _Your emotional currents are flowing powerfully now._

SAM: (giggling) In bed.

HANK: What's yours say, Kitty?

SAM: _Mistakes are the portals of discovery._

TONY: (sourly) How inspiring.

SAM: (ignoring him) How about you, Mona?  
MONA: _The fact that others are bad does not imply that you are good. _(She frowns.) Jonathan?

JONATHAN: _Many successes will accompany you this year. _Even with "in bed," that's boring.

ANGELA: Good.  
JONATHAN: And what did you get, Mom?

ANGELA: _People rely on your dependability._

JONATHAN: Wow, that's even more boring than mine. How about you, Tony?

TONY: _People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. _(They all look like they wish they hadn't played this game.)

MONA: Well, that was fun. Now back to the movie. (Tony hits the remote.)

SAM: Hey, Angela, can you pass over the chocolate chips? I bet they'd go great with chow mein. (Mona and Jonathan stare at her. Cut to commercial.)

Scene V: The living room, about a minute later

(The television is off.)

JONATHAN: Sam, you're pregnant?  
SAM: I think so. I mean, it's early yet. But, yeah.

JONATHAN: Wow, I'm going to be an uncle! Sort of. Do I have to change diapers?

SAM: Not unless you want to.

JONATHAN: No thanks. Wow, Tony, you must be excited!

TONY: I'm speechless.

JONATHAN: You're going to be a grandfather! And Mom's going to be sort of a grandmother. And Grandma, you're going to be—

MONA: Let's just say I'm a happy friend.

JONATHAN: Can I tell Heather and Jenny?

HANK: Jonathan, please don't tell anyone outside the family until the doctor confirms it.  
JONATHAN: OK. Hey, do Bonnie and Al know?

SAM: Bonnie?

HANK: And Al? (It finally hits them.)

JONATHAN: Yeah, if they're renting a house with you in a week, shouldn't they know about the baby?

SAM: Maybe we'll surprise them at the housewarming.

MONA: And I thought nothing could top the Harpers' going-away party.

Scene V: The living room, the following Saturday evening

(Tony is wearing a tux but reviewing football plays. He looks up when Angela comes downstairs in a simple but elegant plum-colored velvet dress. He grins.)

TONY: Very nice. Sexy but in a chaperony kind of way.

ANGELA: Then we match. (She comes over and gives him a warm but chaperony kiss.) What are you doing? The team won the game.

TONY: Yeah, I know but I always end up second-guessing myself.

ANGELA: What's done is done. We can't change the past. (She looks like she wants to say more, but hesitates. Then Jonathan comes downstairs, dressed for the homecoming dance, but still with his leg in a cast, although he's getting around without the crutch more.)

TONY: (proudly) Is this a classy family or what?

ANGELA: Jonathan, do you have corsages for your dates?

JONATHAN: Mom, they're not my dates. I told you, we're just going as friends.

ANGELA: It's still courtesy. Like holding their door open when they get in the car.

JONATHAN: Great, now I have to worry about who sits up front.

TONY: How about they trade off on the ride home?

JONATHAN: Oh, God, the ride home! And then I have to walk them both to the door.

ANGELA: (realizing how weird this situation is but trying to be upbeat) Well, at least they live together, so it's the same door.

TONY: Don't worry, Pal-o-Mine, I got corsages for you when I was getting Angela's. (Like a magician, he produces three corsages.)

ANGELA: Oh, they're lovely! Which one is mine?

TONY: (putting pink roses on her wrist) Do you have to ask?

JONATHAN: (taking the other two corsages) Thanks, Tony. See you both at the dance. Please don't embarrass me too much. (He exits.)  
TONY: He's taking two girls to the dance platonically and he's worried about us embarrassing him?

ANGELA: Maybe he remembers Sam's first dance. (Brief flashback to "Double Date," with chaperone Tony embarrassing Sam.)

TONY: Well, you are a lot cuter than Old Lady Scranton.

ANGELA: Thank you.

Scene VI: The living room, one week later

(There are packing boxes scattered through the living room and Angela is dressed as Little Bo Peep, with a full skirt, with a hoop underneath. Nonetheless, she's pacing and muttering to herself. Mona enters, dressed as Michelle Pfeiffer's Catwoman.)  
MONA: Nice costume, Dear.

ANGELA: (startled) You, too, Mother.

MONA: Although I think in your case the Old Lady Who Lived in a Shoe might've been a better choice. (Angela frantically shushes her. Mona starts whispering.) You still haven't told Tony?

ANGELA: (whispering back) I'm waiting for the right moment.

MONA: When, in the delivery room?  
ANGELA: Things have been so crazy here lately, and he's still getting used to Sam's baby.

MONA: Angela, this isn't like keeping it secret for years that you were in love with Tony. He's bound to find this out in a couple months. Or weeks.

ANGELA: I know, I know. I'll, I'll tell him after the party.

MONA: Not too long after I hope. (Tony descends the stairs, dressed as Elvis in a white jumpsuit.) The King lives!

TONY: (doing his best Elvis) Thank you very much. (back to himself) This place is a pit! I thought they were gonna be done moving by now.

ANGELA: They finished moving things out of their apartment—

MONA: My apartment.

ANGELA: Yes. But there were some things Sam had never moved over there that she left behind.

TONY: Yeah, but—Mona, you're dressed as Catwoman!

MONA: Nothing gets past this guy, does it?  
ANGELA: Almost nothing.

TONY: Mona, you can't wear that to the party!

MONA: I know. I wanted to go in a more classic Eartha Kitt/ Julie Newmar direction, but the costume shop just had Michelle Pfeiffer.

TONY: (sarcastically) Oh, well, if your options were limited. (Jonathan descends the stairs dressed in black robes, wearing a white mask, using his sickle for balance. Tony reverts to his Elvis voice.) Have we met?  
ANGELA: Jonathan Sweetheart, why are you dressed as Death?  
JONATHAN: (his voice a little muffled by the mask) Because I'm depressed.

ANGELA: Why are you depressed, Sweetie?

JONATHAN: Because I have two dates for the party tonight.

MONA: Sometimes I wonder if I'm even related to this kid.

JONATHAN: (woefully) I tried. I really tried. At the homecoming dance, I tried to just be friends. But somehow when I told them each about this party, they thought I was asking them to be my date. Dates. (Tony and Angela look at each other, unsure what to say.)

MONA: Come on, you party animals, let's go! (She shoos them out the front door.)

Scene VI: The Harpers' living room, about ten minutes later

(Despite the unpacked boxes and sparse furnishings, costumed guests are milling around. Sam is sitting in Hank's lap on one of the few chairs. They're dressed as ventriloquist act Wayland and Madame. Jonathan is standing between Jenny and Heather, who are dressed as _Aladdin's_ Princess Jasmine and Geena Davis in _A League of Their Own_ respectively. Mona is talking to Joanne Parker, who's wearing a '50s outfit, with a poodle skirt etc. Tony and Angela are over by the refreshments on the one table. She's grabbing a bit of everything.)  
TONY: Ay, Angela, we did have dinner tonight.  
ANGELA: Sorry, Tony. I'm still hungry. For some reason.

TONY: You should've told me before we left. I could've made you something.

ANGELA: That's OK. I can't really sit down in this hoop skirt anyway. (Al and Bonnie descend the stairs, dressed as Homer and Marge Simpson.)

AL: Hey, where are the donuts?

TONY: You know, I can't tell if he's in character or just being Al. (Mona goes over to Sam and Hank.)

MONA: (whispering) Sam, I was just talking to Joanne Parker—

SAM: Why?

HANK: Don't blame me, I didn't invite her.

SAM: I think Bonnie did. She didn't know any better.

MONA: (still whispering) Listen, you better say something about your pregnancy soon because if you don't, Joanne will.  
SAM: How does she know?

MONA: How does Joanne anything that goes on in this neighborhood? She has spies everywhere!

SAM: (sighing and getting to her feet) OK. (loudly) Everyone, your attention please. I have an important announcement to make.

BONNIE: Oh, Sam, you don't have to make a fuss over me and Al. Everyone knows we're going to be your housemates.

AL: Ay, let her make a fuss if she wants. I don't care.

SAM: No, this is a different announcement. I want you all to know—

TONY: (muttering) No, she wouldn't!

SAM: I am not pregnant. (Almost everyone stares at her.)

BONNIE: (cheerfully) Congratulations!

AL: Good. I didn't want to live with a baby anyway.

ANGELA: (blurting out) But, Sam, you said you were!

SAM: Angela, you were right, it was too soon to be sure. And I was wrong.

ANGELA: You mean I kept my secret all this time for no reason? (Everyone now stares at Angela.)

TONY: Your secret?  
ANGELA: Tony, I need to speak to you in the kitchen, now!

TONY: Angela, it's still not our kitchen!

Scene VII: The Harpers' kitchen, about a minute later

(Tony is sitting at the table, while Angela stands nearby. He looks stunned. She looks worried.)

ANGELA: Tony, say something. Please.

TONY: You're pregnant?

ANGELA: Yes.

TONY: Three months pregnant?

ANGELA: Well, more like three and a half now.

TONY: By me. In Iowa?

ANGELA: By you. In Iowa.

TONY: Wow.

ANGELA: Tony, I know. You're 40 and I'm, well, a little over 40. And even though we talked about having a baby later, we didn't plan for this—

TONY: Angela. We're gonna have a baby.

ANGELA: Yes.

TONY: (leaping to his feet) WE'RE GONNA HAVE A BABY! (He scoops her into his arms and starts kissing her face and murmuring Italian endearments.)

ANGELA: Then I guess you're happy about it?

JONATHAN: (offscreen, from the living room) But they just got married!

ANGELA: Um, I guess they heard.

TONY: Sorry about that. I get a little loud when I'm happy.

ANGELA: I know. (The Look.)

TONY: You ready to face them?

ANGELA: Not really.

TONY: Let's sneak out the back door and go home. I'll make you The King's favorite sandwich.

ANGELA: Mmm, peanut butter, banana, and bacon?

TONY: Of course. I love you tender.

ANGELA: Oh, Teddy Bear! (Cut to commercial.)

Scene IX: The kitchen back home, the next morning

(Tony is making breakfast. Mona and Jonathan are at the table.)

MONA: Too bad you and Angela had to leave the party so suddenly last night.

TONY: Yeah, well, Angela wasn't feeling too good, so I sent her straight to bed. (Jonathan looks disgusted, Mona amused.)  
MONA: Such a good husband.

TONY: Yeah, well, I do my best.

MONA: You missed out on Jenny's big announcement.

TONY: (shocked) Jonathan! You got little Jenny Wittener in trouble?  
JONATHAN: (wearily) No, Tony. She told the entire room that she's given up on me because I'm too fickle.

MONA: And then Heather said she doesn't want him either, because he made her fight with her best friend.

TONY: Do you want sympathy, Buddy? Or congratulations?

JONATHAN: I'm not sure yet. (Angela enters and goes over to Tony. She gives him a warm hello kiss. Jonathan does his best to ignore them. Mona is still amused.)

TONY: Ay, Angela, you feeling better this morning?

ANGELA: Mm hm.

TONY: Good. I'm gonna make you something special.

ANGELA: I bet it's yummy.

JONATHAN: Come on, you two! If you don't stop this, I'm moving into Grandma's apartment.

MONA: Oh, no, you're not!

JONATHAN: Mom, I know you're not that far along, but aren't you supposed to be barfing and stuff? Not flirting with your husband.

MONA: Aw, let her flirt.

ANGELA: Well, actually, Jonathan, what you need to know is, well, Iowa— (Tony and Mona look at her, wondering if she'll confess to getting pregnant before she broke up with Tony.) I owe a lot to this man. (She hugs Tony from the side.)

JONATHAN: (sourly) Apparently. (All the adults look amused. Roll closing credits.)


	5. Workin' for a Livin'

_TV Guide_ capsule for Saturday, Nov. 7, 1992:

**9 PM Who's the Boss?—Comedy**

Tony isn't the only one with a new job.

Scene I: The Harpers' kitchen, now being rented, evening

(Sam, Hank, Bonnie, and Al are sitting around the table, eating dinner.)

AL: This dinner is a lot better than the crap Sam's been makin'.

BONNIE: (flattered) Thanks, Al.

SAM: (simultaneously and sarcastically) Thanks, Al.

HANK: I guess we should've asked before we all moved in together whether any of us could actually cook.

AL: I just figured we'd go next door and have Tony cook for us, but he's so busy with his teachin' and coachin' job, he don't seem to like that.

SAM: It really is a good dinner, Bonnie.

BONNIE: Thanks, Sam. And thank you, Hank, for going grocery-shopping for me.

HANK: No problem. I do have the clearest schedule right now, although I am looking for a better paying job.

BONNIE: Yeah, no offense, Hank, but I'm not used to cooking with generic products. (She pours from a bottle marked _APPLE JUICE_.)

SAM: Money has been tight, even with Angela and my dad helping out.

BONNIE: And my parents.

AL: And my niece, Carmela.

HANK: Well, my parents are helping out, too, but I think we should be more independent.

AL: Maybe you girls should get jobs.

BONNIE: Well, actually—

SAM: I told you, Al. I'm trying to concentrate on school. In fact, I'm going to be starting an evening class next week. Three hours each weekday evening for three weeks.

HANK: (disappointed) Evenings? Then I won't get to see you till right before I go to sleep?

AL: Good, we'll have a little peace and quiet around here after supper.

BONNIE: Yeah, it'll be easier to do my homework.

SAM: (blushing) I didn't realize we were that loud.

BONNIE: Oh, it's OK, I can hardly hear you if I turn up the radio.

AL: Yeah, between Bonnie's radio blasting and you two—

H &amp; S: Al!

AL: Well, Hank, your dad's a contractor. Couldn't he soundproof the walls or somethin'?

HANK: I don't see how that's going to save us money.

SAM: Look, it's not going to be a problem during evenings, for three weeks.

HANK: (sadly) Three weeks!

AL: Yeah, but there's still nighttime.

BONNIE: And mornings and evenings when Hank isn't at work and you're not in class.

SAM: We'll try to be a little quieter and more considerate.

HANK: (still unable to get over it) Three weeks! (Sam pats his hand.)

Scene II: The kitchen next door, that same evening

(Tony, Angela, Mona, and Jonathan are sitting around the table, eating dinner.)

MONA: Wonderful dinner as always, Tony.

JONATHAN: Yeah, we really missed your cooking when you were in Iowa.

TONY: I hope you didn't just miss me for my cooking.

MONA: Well, I know Angela didn't. (Angela blushes.)

ANGELA: Um, can I have seconds?

TONY: You can have as much as you want. (Jonathan rolls his eyes.) Ay, she's eating for two.

JONATHAN: Yeah, but she's only in the first or second month, right? (An awkward pause, as the adults try not to exchange glances.)

ANGELA: So how was school today?

JONATHAN: Well, I had a brutal midterm in History.

TONY: Ay, I didn't think it was that bad!

JONATHAN: I'm kidding, Tony.

TONY: Oh. Well, my day in school was good. I gave midterms in my classes, and the kids seemed to do pretty well. And I'm wrapping up volleyball and tennis and gearing up for wrestling and basketball.

ANGELA: It's not too much of a burden for you, is it? Taking all that on with your late start?

TONY: (snapping his fingers in his characteristic gesture) Piece of cake, Angela, piece of cake.

ANGELA: Mmm, cake! Did you make any today?

TONY: Of course. (He gets up.)

MONA: (shaking her head) I don't know how you do all this. You're more of a "supermom" than ever.

TONY: (going to the fridge) Well, I'm still going to try to keep things balanced, say no some of the time. (Mona glances at Angela's still flat stomach. Angela gives her a warning look. Jonathan doesn't notice because he's looking at the chocolate cake Tony is bringing out.)  
JONATHAN: Wow, that is gorgeous!

TONY: Thank you. (as he sets it on the table and then goes to get a knife) I wanted to celebrate a little tonight.

JONATHAN: About the baby? You already made a cake for that a few days ago.

MONA: Which Angela ate most of, in one sitting. (Angela smiles sheepishly.)

TONY: This is for something else. I have an announcement to make.

JONATHAN: You're pregnant. (They all look at him.) Hey, with this family, anything is possible.

TONY: (starting to cut the cake) No, this is something I'm already doing.

JONATHAN: Baking?

TONY: Close. I have a second teaching job, night school at Ridgemont.

ANGELA: Oh, Tony, that's wonderful! (He leans down so she can give him a congratulatory kiss.)  
JONATHAN: Can you not do that over food?

TONY: (breaking away from Angela and straightening up) Sorry.

MONA: Night school, huh? As in nighttime?

TONY: Well, yeah. Three hours every weekday evening, for three weeks.

ANGELA: (as it sinks in) Three hours? For three weeks?

JONATHAN: Good! Maybe I can do my homework in peace for a change.

ANGELA: Tony, why are you doing this?

TONY: Well, you know, I've been helping out the kids with their rent. And the baby is coming and, well, I want to contribute more.

ANGELA: I know, but I'll miss you.

TONY: I'll miss you, too, but I'm doing it for us. All of us.

MONA: All of us, huh? And who's going to be making gorgeous cakes and wonderful dinners when you're so tired from holding down two jobs?

ANGELA: Mother, don't be so selfish. We can all make sacrifices if Tony can. We can all pitch in. We've done it before.

MONA: And that went so smoothly, didn't it?

JONATHAN: Maybe we should get a new housekeeper.

TONY: (offended) A new housekeeper?

ANGELA: Jonathan's right, Tony. It was good of you to take care of everything when you first moved back and didn't have a job yet. But things are different now.

TONY: But how can I pay for a housekeeper if I'm trying to save money?

ANGELA: I'll pay for it. It's in my household budget anyway. And we don't have to get a live-in this time.

MONA: Aw shucks! I was willing to have the new guy room with me.

ANGELA: It wouldn't be a man this time.

MONA: (shaking her head) You're still as sexist as you were eight years ago.

ANGELA: All right, fine, I'll hire a man if he's qualified. But it's more likely to be a woman.

JONATHAN: Oo, can she wear a French maid's uniform?

ANGELA: No!

MONA: I've got one she can borrow if you change your mind.

JONATHAN: Thank you, Grandma, for killing my fantasy.

MONA: I do what I can, Dear.

TONY: Angela, I don't know about this. I'd feel weird having another housekeeper here. Even if it's just part-time.

ANGELA: Tony, I know that this house has been your domain for a long time, and I respect that. But you can't keep doing everything, or almost everything, like you have been. And with the baby coming, I'm not going to have the energy to do as much cooking and cleaning as I'd like.

MONA: Thank God for that. (Angela glares at her.)

TONY: The baby! Angela, we haven't even talked about what we're going to do when the baby comes.

MONA: Well, Tony, you're going to overreact and panic, and Angela's going to pass a watermelon through her—

ANGELA: Thank you, Mother.

TONY: I meant who's going to stay home with the baby? Or do we expect the new (he shudders a little), the new housekeeper to take care of the baby?

ANGELA: I don't know. I could cut back on my hours at the agency for awhile. I did it with Jonathan, although I was just starting out my career then. But since it's my own agency this time, I'll have more flexibility. For instance, I could work from home some of the time.

TONY: And I could change my teaching schedule. Maybe quit at Fairfield High—

JONATHAN: Yes! (Tony glares at him.)

TONY: Or do just morning or just afternoon classes. Maybe do night school more.

ANGELA: (pouting) Three hours every night!

TONY: I know, Sweetie, I know.

MONA: Have some chocolate cake, Dear. It'll make you feel better. (Cut to opening credits.)

Scene III: A Ridgemont College classroom, a couple evenings later

(The students, including Sam and her former roommate Melinda, file in. They sit in the front row, with a bleached-blonde girl on Melinda's other side.)

MELINDA: So, Sam, how are you liking life outside the dorms?

SAM: Well, it's not exactly a typical life outside the dorms.

MELINDA: (shaking her head) Yeah, married and renting a house. I'm not ready for that, and I'm a senior.

SAM: Well, I didn't plan to get married so young but you know how crazy I am about Hank.

MELINDA: I know. And I can see why you'd prefer him as a roommate.

SAM: Hey, no offense to you, Melinda. You were easier to live with than the two housemates Hank and I have got.

MELINDA: You've got housemates?  
SAM: Yeah, there's no way Hank and I would be able to afford a house on our own at this point.

MELINDA: So who are you living with?

SAM: A couple of my friends, Al and Bonnie.

MELINDA: Not the Al and Bonnie you told me about?

SAM: The same.

MELIDNA: I am easier to live with.

BLONDE: (leaning over) Hey, do you guys know who's teaching this class?  
MELINDA: No, it was supposed to be Professor Miller, but her course-load was too heavy and she dropped this.

BLONDE.: Too bad. I heard Miller was an easy grader. (Tony enters, in his professorial garb, the jacket with leather patches, briefcase, and all. The blonde looks and smiles, then talks to Melinda again.) Of course, this professor looks easy on the eyes. (Melinda and Sam both turn and look. Tony doesn't notice because he's saying hi to a guy near the door, someone he took a class with last year. Sam faces forward, hunches over, and hides her face behind her textbook.)

MELINDA: Tony?

TONY: (looking towards her and coming forward) Hey, Melinda, good to see you! Wow, this will be fun, seeing all these familiar faces from when I went to Ridgemont. Not that I'm going to pay favorites of course. Whether we meet tonight or I've known you for years, it won't make any diff—Sam?

SAM: (lowering her textbook and sitting up a little) Hi, Dad.

TONY: Ten-minute break, Everyone!

Scene IV: The Harpers' living room, a few hours later

(Bonnie is doing her homework as Al reads a beauty magazine.)

BONNIE: Al, could you give me a pompadour?

AL: Your hair's too short.

BONNIE: Well, couldn't you use extensions?  
AL: Yeah, I guess. Whacha want a pompadour for?

BONNIE: Well, I'm studying 18th-century France, and the king's mistress had the hairstyle named after her.

AL: Why would you want to look like that? There ain't no more French kings to attract, right?

BONNIE: I just think it would be cute.

AL: Well, OK, I guess it's good practice for me. (He takes some loose bobby pins out of his pockets and stands behind her chair. Then he starts pinning up her hair.) You got nice hair.

BONNIE: Thank you, you've got nice hands. (Hank enters with a sketch pad and smiles.)

HANK: Is it OK if I draw you two?

AL: Yeah, I don't care.

BONNIE: My hair's a mess!

HANK: Well, I could draw the process. I'm working on some new puppets, and I need some ideas for their hairdos.

AL: OK, but I'm gonna give her a pompadour, and you can't do that in yarn.

HANK: Well, I might be able to work in another medium.

AL: I thought money was tight.

HANK: Well, yeah, about that—

BONNIE: Oh, did Angela tell you?

HANK: Huh? (Sam enters the front door, with her school backpack.)

SAM: You're not going to believe this! Guess who has a new job?

HANK &amp; BONNIE: (simultaneously) I do! (looking at each other) You do?

AL: You guys got jobs and you didn't tell me?

HANK: I was waiting till Sam got home.

BONNIE: So was I. Sam, did you get one, too?

SAM: No, my dad. He's teaching at Ridgemont!

BONNIE: Oh, how nice.

SAM: No, Bonnie, you don't understand. He's teaching my night class.

AL: That's good. You two don't get to see each other much since you moved over here. Plus the whole him-not-reactin'-well-to-your-pregnancy-scare thing.

SAM: Thanks, Al.

BONNIE: I don't understand. Why is it worse than his day job at Fairfield, teaching Jonathan and his friends?

SAM: Because it's happening to me! Besides, Jonathan has been his stepson for two months. I've been his daughter for twenty years!

HANK: Kitty, I know it's going to be weird for you, but it's only for three weeks.

SAM: I guess. I just wish he'd told me sooner.

HANK: Would you have dropped the class?

SAM: Maybe. I don't know. He's a replacement professor so maybe he just didn't have time to say anything. And he didn't know I'd be in the class, so he was surprised, too. But happier about it.

BONNIE: Ahem, speaking of happy.

SAM: Omigod, I'm sorry, you guys! You both got new jobs?

BONNIE: Well, it's not definite for me, but one of my bosses really likes me, and I just have to get the approval of the other.

SAM: Congratulations!

HANK: What kind of job is it?  
BONNIE: It's just part-time, so it won't interfere with school. But even a little extra money would help out, right?

AL: Yeah, but what are you doin'? Is it legal?

SAM: Al!

BONNIE: (not getting his innuendo) Of course. I'm going to be a housekeeper.

SAM: Cool. Maybe you can get some tips from my dad.

BONNIE: Well….

SAM: (to Hank) Honey, you got a new job, too? Is it part-time or are you going to have to quit the library?

HANK: It's only a few hours a week but it pays really well. It's on television. (They stare at him.)

AL: Are you gonna make Muppets for _Sesame Street _or somethin'?

HANK: Close. I've got my own puppet show on cable.

BONNIE: Oo, HBO? MTV? Comedy Central?

HANK: No, FUN.

BONNIE: Fun?

HANK: F.U.N. Fairfield Unlimited Network. It's local.

SAM: I'm still really proud of you, Honey. (She gives him a hug and a kiss.) And who knows? If it catches on, maybe it'll be picked up by a bigger network.

HANK: I hope so. But first I have to work on the pilot episode.

BONNIE: Oh, are you going to put my pompadour on the pilot?

HANK: I might.

BONNIE: Al, get the extensions! (Sam looks confused.)

Scene V: The Bower-Micelli living room, at the same time

(Angela is working on an account, while Jonathan does his homework.)

ANGELA: Sweetheart, do you need any help with your homework tonight?

JONATHAN: Thanks, Mom, but it's History, and it wouldn't be right for my teacher's wife to help me.

ANGELA: Jonathan. (Tony enters the front door. Angela gets up and goes to greet him. Jonathan does his best to ignore her kissing Tony.) How was your first night class?

TONY: Good. It looks like it'll be a good bunch.

ANGELA: Anyone you know? You did just graduate a few months ago.

TONY: Well, yeah, as a matter of fact, there are a few ex-classmates. Like Michelle, Sam's old roommate.

ANGELA: How nice!

TONY: And there's a junior I've known for years.

ANGELA: Sam?

TONY: Yeah. She didn't tell me she was taking a night class. But then, I didn't tell her I was teaching one.

ANGELA: That'll be fun for you two. You can car-pool like you and Jonathan do.

JONATHAN: Lucky Sam. (They look at him.) Well, it's just I know what she's going through, don't I? (Mona enters unnoticed, from the kitchen.)

ANGELA: I don't understand you two. Tony has helped you and Sam with your homework all these years. You're really lucky to have a father figure who's a teacher.

JONATHAN: Mom, it's different when he's your own teacher.

TONY: Yeah, Angela, it is a little weird. Especially with Sam.

ANGELA: (defensively) Weirder than with Jonathan?

TONY: Well, yeah.

JONATHAN: Oh, I get it. It's because she's your daughter and I'm just your stepson.

TONY: No, that's not it! As far as I'm concerned, you're my "real son." (Angela looks touched.) It's just, Sam is an adult, and I have to interact with her as an adult. In a classroom setting. And that's an adjustment.

MONA: Speaking of adjustments, did you tell him about the new housekeeper?  
TONY: Angela! You hired someone without consulting me?

ANGELA: No, Tony, I let her know that she'll have to get your approval. But I think you'll like her. In fact, you already do.

TONY: Huh?

JONATHAN: It's Bonnie! Isn't that great?

TONY: Bonnie? Little Bonnie?

MONA: She's not that little anymore. She's taller than me.

TONY: Yeah, but she's just a kid.

ANGELA: Tony, she's only a few months younger than Sam.

TONY: You want some 19-year-old managing my house?

ANGELA: Tony, it's my house, too.

TONY: I know, Angela, but it's my baby. I've put so much care into this place. (He looks around the room. Then he has a nightmare vision of the house looking like a natural disaster has hit it.) No! I can't allow it.

JONATHAN: But, Tony, Bonnie's a really good cook.

TONY: Better than me?  
JONATHAN: Of course not.

MONA: But better than Angela. Much better.

ANGELA: Thank you, Mother.

TONY: Well, OK, she can cook, but she won't clean.

JONATHAN: Can she at least do laundry?

TONY: Jonathan, do you really want her handling your skivvies?

JONATHAN: (embarrassed) Um.

ANGELA: We can discuss specifics with her when she comes by tomorrow.

MONA: Should I bring the French maid's uniform?

ANGELA: Mother! (Cut to commercial.)

Scene VI: The same living room, late the next afternoon

(Tony is writing furiously in a notepad. Jonathan descends the stairs and sees Tony.)

JONATHAN: I hope those are lecture notes for Sam's class, not mine.

TONY: They're just a few questions I've got for Bonnie.

JONATHAN: A few? (Sam, Hank, and Bonnie enter from the back door. Hank has his sketchpad. Bonnie's hair is in a pompadour.)

TONY: Ay, I'm only interviewing Bonnie.

SAM: Dad, we need to talk before class tonight.

TONY: OK, let me finish the interview first.

SAM: Of course. (She, Hank, and Bonnie sit down.)

TONY: And what are you doing here, Hank?

HANK: I'm doing sketches and taking notes for my puppet show.

TONY: At the library?

SAM: No, Dad, Hank is gonna have a show on cable!

JONATHAN: Wow, cool!

TONY: Are you gonna use Little Tony?

HANK: Yeah, if you wouldn't mind.

TONY: I'd be flattered.

BONNIE: And he's going to put my pompadour on one of the puppets.

TONY: (dubiously) Great. Uh, Bonnie, I don't think that hairstyle would be too practical for housekeeping. (Hank starts sketching.)

BONNIE: Oh, I know. I just wanted to look nice for my interview.

JONATHAN: You do look nice.

BONNIE: Thank you, Jonathan. (Tony looks at his notes, then at "the kids," and back at his notes)

TONY: OK, Bonnie, multiple choice.

JONATHAN: Oh, not multiple choice!

TONY: What?

JONATHAN: I hate your multiple choice quizzes. Either everything sounds right, or everything sounds wrong.

SAM: I like them better than true or false.

TONY: Well, it's good to get student feedback, I guess.

BONNIE: Fire away, Mr. Micelli.

TONY: OK, which of the following is not a use for baking soda—?

BONNIE: (confidently) Skin care.

TONY: That's amazing! (to Jonathan) Did you tell her?  
JONATHAN: How would I know?

TONY: OK, let's skip to the skills test. You've got half an hour to make dinner for four—six—is Al coming over, too?  
SAM: Do you want me to go get him?

TONY: You can take him leftovers if there are any. Bonnie, you can only use the ingredients and tools in the kitchen here. Starting…now! (He points. She leaps to her feet and runs into the kitchen.) Don't worry, I've got a back-up meal in the freezer.

SAM: Dad, we've all eaten her cooking. We're not worried.

JONATHAN: Unless Tony got some really weird ingredients, to trip her up.

TONY: I would never do that! This is a perfectly above-the-board interview.

SAM: Right, Dad.

TONY: Is that what you wanted to talk to me about?

SAM: No. Jonathan, could we have some privacy here?

JONATHAN: How old do I have to get before I'm not sent out of the room while the adults talk?

TONY: Twenty.

JONATHAN: I'll go help Bonnie.

TONY: No, no helping!

JONATHAN: Tony, I'm not exactly a chef myself. I'm just going to hand her things.

TONY: Well, I guess that's OK.

HANK: (looking up from his sketchpad) Hey, Jonathan, would you like to help me?

JONATHAN: Um, I can't really draw.

HANK: No, on my cable show. I'm going to have a lot of characters and I could use an assistant.

JONATHAN: On television? I'd love it! Does it pay?

HANK: Yeah, not a lot, but I've got a small budget I can work with.

JONATHAN: Awesome! What are the hours?

HANK: It'll air live from 4 to 5 p.m. on weekdays. But you'd have to get there half an hour before airtime.

JONATHAN: Great! I could do it after school.

TONY: OK, Jonathan, let's talk about this with your mom when she gets home. You're only sixteen and she might have reservations.

JONATHAN: (sighing) Of course she will.

HANK: Well, maybe Bonnie's food will put her in a good mood. Uh, not that yours wouldn't, Tony.

SAM: Jonathan, go help Bonnie. (He nods and exits to the kitchen.)

TONY: Well, Sam? Is this about night school?

SAM: Not exactly.

HANK: Do you mind if I draw while you two talk?

TONY: If you have to. (Hank starts sketching again.)

SAM: Dad, you didn't react too well when I had my pregnancy false alarm.

TONY: Well, yeah, Sam, I'm sorry. But you're my little girl. And I'm not ready for you to be a mom.

SAM: I guess I'm not either. But someday, maybe not for another few years, but someday, I really am going to be pregnant. And I hope you'll be happy for me.

TONY: I will be. I promise.

SAM: Good. And I am happy for you and Angela. Even though it's not the greatest timing for you guys.

TONY: (a little embarrassed) Well, yeah. It, uh, wasn't exactly planned.

SAM: I figured not. Dad, you can tell me, did you have to get married?

TONY: (indignantly) No! (embarrassed again) But she was pregnant at the time. We just didn't know it yet.

SAM: I wondered.

TONY: It happened in Iowa, right before we broke up. (shaking his head) Imagine if I hadn't come back to her!

SAM: I think she would've told you.

TONY: Yeah, maybe. But she might not have said anything right away, so I wouldn't feel obligated. But I would've been glad of a reason to come back. I wanted to marry her anyway. I always wanted to marry her, for years. I just used to think I wasn't good enough for her.

SAM: Oh, Dad! She loves you. She never cared that you were her housekeeper.

TONY: She cared, especially in the beginning. But, yeah, she was never a snob. And she offered me friendship from almost the beginning. (He gets a little choked up.)

SAM: (moved) Oh, Dad!

TONY: Well, this is what you wanted, isn't it, Sam? For me to talk to you like an adult?

SAM: Yeah, it's a start.

TONY: You know, even if you weren't my daughter, if you were my sister or something, it would still be weird for us with me as your teacher.

SAM: Yeah. But we'll get through this, My Brother. (He laughs and they hug.)

TONY: (to Hank) You getting all this down?

HANK: Tony, it's a puppet show. I'm not going to have any serious scenes. It'll mostly be slapstick.

TONY: Well, I'm sure you'll find plenty of inspiration around here for that. (Angela enters the front door, coming home from work. Tony kisses the top of Sam's head and gives her a _Are we done here? _look. She nods. They let go of each other and he goes over to Angela and kisses her hello.) How was work?

ANGELA: (shaking her head) I've got a really tough campaign, coming up with new uses for baking soda.

HANK: Definitely not skin care. (Angela looks over at him, puzzled. Cut to commercial.)

Scene VII: The Bower-Micelli dining room, about an hour later

(Tony is at the head of the table, Angela at the foot. Jonathan and Mona sit on one side of the table, Sam and Hank on the other. Bonnie is hovering, serving people, although the emptied plates show that dinner is drawing to a close.)

BONNIE: Sorry, I didn't have time to make dessert. But I can next time. Uh, if you hire me? (Everyone looks at Tony. He nods.)  
TONY: Yeah, if you still want the job.

BONNIE: Well, unless Hank needs another assistant?

HANK: (put on the spot) Uh.

BONNIE: Just kidding! (Everyone laughs uneasily. Then Al comes in.)  
AL: Ay, you done eatin' already? And you didn't leave me nothin'? What a bunch of pigs!

SAM: Uh, Dad, we've gotta get going.

TONY: Yeah, we've got a night class to go to.

ANGELA: (pouting) Three hours!

HANK: (sadly) Three weeks! (Roll end credits.)


	6. I'm Your Puppet

_TV Guide_ capsule for Saturday, Nov. 14, 1992:

**9 PM Who's the Boss?—Comedy**

Hank bases the characters for his cable-access puppet show on friends and family.

Scene I: Tony's high school classroom, early afternoon

(Jonathan, Jenny, Heather, a goth named Raven, two wise-cracking jocks named Lewis Parker and Zack Bueller, and other juniors and seniors are seated. Tony's at the blackboard, writing. We can see _Bill of Rights _up there already and Tony is now adding _The First Amendment_. He turns and faces the class.)

TONY: Now, can anyone tell me the text of the First Amendment?

LEWIS: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ox?

ZACK: I thought it was the neighbor's ass. (Other students laugh.)

TONY: (trying to get control of the situation) No, I think you're thinking of the Ten Commandments. (He underlines the "Am" of "Amendment.") The first ten Amendments to the Constitution are known as the Bill of Rights. The very first one says, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances."

HEATHER: Wow, Mr. Micelli, you have that memorized?  
TONY: Uh, yeah. Now what I want to focus on today is the part about "abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press." What do you think that means? (No one looks like they want to answer.) Jonathan?

JONATHAN: (reluctantly) Well, the government can't tell you what to say or write.

TONY: Very good. But there are some exceptions. Can anyone think of any?

JENNY: Well, yelling "fire" in a crowded theater. Unless there really is a fire.

TONY: Right. That's an example of "false statements of fact," which are not protected.

RAVEN: Oh, like advertising. (Jonathan and Tony look offended.)

TONY: Well, advertising might be a little exaggerated sometimes but—

RAVEN: It's all a bunch of lies. All television is. And magazines. Except some zines.

TONY: Well, thank you, Raven. The media are protected to some degree, but the question is whether they're claiming to speak the truth. Of course, this can be tricky, especially in the case of satire and parody. (Some of the students give him blank looks.) Like when a magazine, movie, or TV show makes fun of something or someone.

LEWIS: Like _Saturday Night Live_?

HEATHER: Is that still on?

TONY: Yes on both counts. Now, even if the government doesn't put restrictions on speech or the press, that doesn't mean there might not be consequences. Can you think of any other examples that might not be protected?

ZACK: Porn? (The class reacts, some in amusement, some in disgust.)

TONY: Uh, yeah, that's similar to obscenity, which is unprotected.

LEWIS: What if you use condoms? (Tony looks embarrassed, and then relieved when the class dismissal bell rings.)

TONY: OK, tomorrow we'll discuss the right to petition the government.

RAVEN: What about religion? As a Pagan—

TONY: We'll get to that, Raven. (The class starts to file out.) Ay, Jonathan, can I talk to you?

JONATHAN: Yes, Mr. Micelli. (Tony shakes his head. He waits till the room is otherwise empty before he speaks.)

TONY: Did you feel like I was singling you out?  
JONATHAN: Well, yeah. You didn't call on anyone else by name.

TONY: I'm sorry. I'm still trying to find a balance for this. I mean, I can't just ignore you, can I?

JONATHAN: Well, no, but it's not like I had my hand up.

TONY: OK, I'm sorry. It's just you're one of the brightest kids in the class.  
JONATHAN: That's not saying much.

TONY: Jonathan!  
JONATHAN: Look, can we talk about this later? I've got to get over to the studio to help Hank.

TONY: Oh, that's right. Today's the premiere, right?

JONATHAN: Right.

TONY: He showed me the script. It looks funny.

JONATHAN: I hope so. I asked Bonnie to tape it when she's over today, and then I'll watch it with you guys before you have to go to your evening class.

TONY: Sounds good. Have fun!

JONATHAN: Thanks, Mr. Micelli. (Tony shakes his head again.)

Scene II: The Bower-Micelli living room, around 5:15 p.m. that day

(Tony is working on lecture notes for his evening class. Bonnie enters from the kitchen.)

BONNIE: Mr. Micelli, I've made a very simple dinner for everyone, since I know you'll want all want to watch Hank's show over dinner before your night class.

TONY: Good thinking, Bonnie. And please, call me Tony.

BONNIE: But you're Sam's dad! And my boss.

TONY: Yeah, but I'm used to first names for the housekeeper-employer relationship. (Jonathan enters from the kitchen, unnoticed at first.)

BONNIE: OK, um, Tony. Does Mrs. Bower, I mean Mrs. Micelli—I mean, does your wife want me to call her Angela?

TONY: You can check with her, but it should be OK. And Mrs. Robinson should be fine with you calling her Mona.

BONNIE: Oh, I've almost always done that. She doesn't seem like a real adult. (Tony chuckles.)

JONATHAN: You can call me Mr. Bower if you want.

BONNIE: Oh, Jonathan, you're so funny!

JONATHAN: Thanks.

TONY: So, Jonathan, how did the show go today?

JONATHAN: You'll see as soon as Mom and Grandma get home. (Angela and Mona enter from the front door, in their work outfits. Tony leaps to his feet and goes to them. He helps Angela off with her coat.)

TONY: (to Angela) How was work, Sweetheart?

MONA: Draining, Toots. Are you going to help with my coat?

TONY: Of course. (He does so.)

ANGELA: (going towards the living room) And how was your first day at work, Sweetheart?

BONNIE: It was fun, Angela. (Angela stares at her.)

JONATHAN: I think she meant me. And I had fun, too.

ANGELA: I can't wait to watch the tape!

MONA: (sarcastically of course) Oh, goody, a puppet show!

ANGELA: Mother, try to show a little support and enthusiasm for your grandson. And your step-grandson-in-law.

MONA: (flatly) Go, Team.

TONY: Mona, the show should be really funny. Hank showed me the script, and I laughed a lot.

JONATHAN: Oh, he ended up not doing that script. The producer wanted him to go in another direction.

TONY: Oh.

ANGELA: I'm sure it'll still be wonderful.

Scene III: The same living room, an hour later

(The same five people are sitting in front of the TV, the remains of dinner on the coffee table. Jonathan looks nervous, Tony, Angela, and Mona looked stunned, and Bonnie looks amused. Closing theme song to Hank's show plays.)

JONATHAN: Uh, so what did you think?

BONNIE: It was so cute! Did you do any of the voices?

JONATHAN: Uh, just the mother-in-law's.

ANGELA: Jonathan, I don't sound like that!

MONA: Yes, you do.

JONATHAN: Well, it wasn't meant to be you specifically, Mom.

MONA: Yes, Dear, it's just a coincidence that the Type-A blonde puppet with dark roots has a job as a saleswoman.

BONNIE: And she sells shoes, not advertising.

ANGELA: Oh, thank you, Bonnie. That puts it all in perspective.

JONATHAN: See, what happened was the producer wanted to aim at more of a college-age crowd, rather than little kids. So Hank decided to make it more satirical. With sort of a _Married with Children_ touch.

ANGELA: That explains the man-chasing, red-haired grandmother puppet with cleavage.

MONA: I prefer to think of her as friendly.  
JONATHAN: So he took a few details here and there from people he knows.

TONY: Yeah? I noticed there was no puppet based on you.

JONATHAN: Well, with only two of us working the puppets, there was only so much he could do in the pilot.

BONNIE: Well, I hope he puts a puppet based on me in the next episode. (The adults all look at her like she's crazy. Cut to opening credits.)

Scene IV: Tony's college classroom, later that evening

(Most of the students are seated already. Tony comes in, hoping no one will mention Hank's show, but they just greet him like normal. Tony goes to his desk and looks around. He notices Sam isn't there yet. But it's time to start class.)

TONY: So tonight I had planned to talk about the Bill of Rights, but— (Sam dashes in.)  
SAM: Sorry I'm late, Da—Mr. Micelli. I was at the library all afternoon, studying for a final, and then I had to grab a quick dinner at the cafeteria.

TONY: Oh, so you haven't been home yet?

SAM: Uh, no. (She gives him a look like _Why are you asking me that, especially in front of everyone?_ He looks like he wants to tell her about Hank's show but then realizes that this isn't the time or place.)

TONY: (as Sam takes her seat next to her ex-roommate Melinda) So. The Bill of Rights. In your own words, can someone tell me what the First Amendment is about?

BLEACHED BLONDE IN FRONT ROW: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances."

TONY: Uh, yeah, more or less. Thank you, Stacy.

BLONDE/STACY: You're welcome, Mr. Micelli.

TONY: So, looking at the part about religion—

MELINDA: Can we talk about freedom of speech and the press?

TONY: Uh, well, I hadn't really planned to cover that tonight—

MELINDA: Well, it's just that my roommate Jill and I had an argument about this new show we were watching.

TONY: I don't know if this is really the appropriate—

MELINDA: See, the characters are clearly based on real people and she's fine with that. She says anything is fair game for comedy. But I actually know some of the people who inspired it, and I feel really uncomfortable about it.

SAM: No offense, but that's kind of narrow-minded of you.

GUY FROM THE BACK OF THE ROOM: Yeah, Melinda, are you advocating censorship?

MELINDA: Of course not. I just don't think it's right to parody ordinary people. It's different for celebrities. They put themselves in the public eye anyway.

GUY FROM THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM: Yeah, what if these people find out and get offended? They could sue the writers and producers. Maybe even the network!

TONY: So, in the 18th century, America had already faced some religious crises—

SAM: Why are some people so eager to sue? And maybe these people will be flattered. Maybe they'll have a sense of humor about it.

MELINDA: Oh? What if there was a character named Pam who had an overprotective father named Toby? Would you think that was funny?

SAM: Um, are they Italian?

MELINDA: Yeah, hypothetically, let's say they are.

SAM: Well, if the show is funny, then, no, I wouldn't be offended. Um, hypothetically.

GUY SITTING NEXT TO SAM: Oh, are you guys talking about that new puppet show on FUN? It's hilarious! (Class starts talking excitedly about the show. Sam starts to look worried. Tony gives her a sympathetic look.)

Scene V: The Harpers' living room

(Bonnie is trying to do her homework, but Hank keeps interrupting her.)

HANK: And then what did Mona think of it?

BONNIE: She seemed to like it.

HANK: And Angela?

BONNIE: Well, she said something about calling her lawyer, but I think she was just kidding.

HANK: Oh. (Al enters from the kitchen, eating an apple.)

AL: Ay, how's it goin'?

HANK: OK, I guess.

AL: Didn't you start your cable show today?  
HANK: Uh, yeah. Didn't you watch?

AL: Naw, I was at the bank, talking about getting a loan for my new salon.

HANK: Oh. (Sam enters the front door, furious.) Um, hi, Darling.

SAM: I need to talk to you in the bedroom.

AL: (oblivious to Sam's mood) I thought with you two outa the house more, we'd finally get some peace and quiet for a change. (Sam storms upstairs. Hank reluctantly follows.)

Scene VI: Sam &amp; Hank's bedroom

(We can see some of the items from Sam's adolescent bedroom, as well as items of Hank's, like a poster of his hero Jim Henson. Sam is pacing, while Hank sits on the edge of the bed. We catch her in mid-rant.)

SAM: …My whole family! I noticed you didn't put your parents in the show.

HANK: I haven't finished the character design for my dad. And I'm still working on my mom's voice. And it wasn't your whole family. I didn't put Jonathan's puppet on yet.

SAM: How could you do this?

HANK: Well, I told you already, the producer wanted to go after a different audience.

SAM: But why not make celebrity puppets?

HANK: It's been done, Sam. _D.C. Follies _in the US a few years ago, and _Spitting Image_ has been on in England for years.

SAM: Couldn't you have just made up characters? You've got a good imagination.

HANK: Well, I had a time crunch. And I'll probably phase these out once the show catches on and I have more of a budget.

SAM: Yeah? And what if everybody loves Pam, Toby, Angelica, and what was the man-hungry grandmother's name?

HANK: (mumbling) Rona.

SAM: I take it back, you're not that creative.

HANK: (starting to get offended) Now, just a minute, Sam—

SAM: And you dragged poor Jonathan into this mess as your assistant.

HANK: Jonathan loves doing the show!

SAM: I bet he won't enjoy it so much when you introduce "Jonah."  
HANK: (mumbling) Nathan.  
SAM: Brilliant! How did you come up with that?

HANK: Sam, I can see why you're upset—

SAM: And I guess Al and Bonnie—oh, sorry, Ollie and Connie—are going to be on there by the end of the week, right?

HANK: (becoming defiant) What if they are? I have a right to make the show however I want.

SAM: But this isn't what you want! You had a perfectly fine kids' show, until your producer interfered.

HANK: Well, maybe he was right!

SAM: Right? Did he tell you to make a mockery of our friends and family? Or was that your idea?  
HANK: It's just some harmless satire. And you haven't even seen the show yet, have you?

SAM: I don't think I want to.

HANK: Then you can't condemn it.

SAM: I can condemn how it makes Angela and everyone feel.

HANK: I can't believe how close-minded you are! (He storms out.)

SAM: (yelling after him) I can't believe how insensitive you are!

Scene VII: Tony &amp; Angela's bedroom, about ten minutes later

(Tony is pacing, while Angela sits on the edge of the bed. We catch him in mid-rant.)

TONY: …My whole classroom!

ANGELA: Tony, I'm not happy about the show, but maybe some good will come out of this.

TONY: Like what?

ANGELA: Well, it'll help Hank's career.

TONY: By making fun of all of us?

ANGELA: Maybe Mother's right. Maybe we just have to have a good sense of humor about it. And maybe you could, maybe you could show it to your classes, as an example of free speech.

TONY: I've already wasted enough valuable class time on it.

ANGELA: What if we talk to Hank, reason with him? And who knows? Maybe we'll come around to his point of view.

TONY: I don't feel like a calm discussion on modern— (He halts in his pacing, over by the door to the hallway.) Did you hear something?  
ANGELA: I don't think so.

TONY: Angela, where's my bat?

ANGELA: In your old bedroom. (whispering) Do you think it's prowlers?

TONY: Why are you whispering?  
ANGELA: (still whispering) So they don't know we're here. (He shakes his head.)  
TONY: I'll just pretend it's Hank and I won't need a weapon.

ANGELA: Be careful, Tony! (He cautiously opens the door. She gets to her feet and follows him. He makes a "stay back" gesture, so she keeps her distance.)

Scene VIII: The hallway, a moment later

(Tony emerges from the bedroom, Angela a little behind him.)

TONY: (whispering) There's a light on in Sam's room!

ANGELA: (whispering) Why are you whispering?

TONY: (still whispering) The element of surprise. (Sam's door opens and Hank emerges. He, Tony, and Angela scream.) What are you doing here?  
HANK: I had a fight with Sam.

TONY: You don't go home to the in-laws. That's not how it works. Especially when you made fun of the in-laws on local television.

HANK: It's late and you guys are closer. And I didn't want to have to explain to my parents.

TONY: Oh, gonna wait till you make fun of them, huh?  
ANGELA: (putting her hand on his arm) Tony.

HANK: And I didn't mean to hurt anybody's feelings. Things just got out of hand.

ANGELA: We understand. Now go tell Sam.

HANK: (shaking his head) Not after she insulted my creativity!

TONY: Artists, sheesh!

ANGELA: OK, Hank, you can sleep on our couch.

TONY: Why can't he sleep on his own couch?  
HANK: Because now Al and Bonnie are mad at me for not putting them on the show yet.

TONY: (grumpily) Great.

HANK: Please, can't I sleep up here? Sam's old bed is more comfortable than the couch.

ANGELA: No! (They both look at her.) Tony and I get hardly any privacy these days.

HANK: Oh, right. I understand. I'll go downstairs. (He heads down the hallway.)

TONY: (whispering) Angela! Shouldn't we be trying to get him out of our house?

ANGELA: (whispering back) Oh, don't worry. I think we can drive him out.

TONY: (grinning as he gets it) Lady, I like the way you think. (She giggles and goes back into the bedroom. He follows and is about to close the door behind them, then thinks better of it.)

Scene IX: Angela's office at the Bower Agency, the next morning

(Angela is at her desk, looking over a portfolio. She yawns as if she didn't get enough sleep the night before. Mona enters and closes the door behind her.)  
MONA: Well, Dear, I heard you had quite a night.

ANGELA: (blushing a little) Oh, uh, did Hank tell you?

MONA: No, I mean I heard you. From over in my apartment.

ANGELA: (blushing more) Oh, yes, Tony and I were a little loud last night. Sorry, Mother.  
MONA: Oh, I don't mind. I'm glad something's finally happening in that bedroom. But aren't you worried it's going to end up on Hank's show?

ANGELA: He wouldn't! Not even on cable! Would he?  
MONA: I don't know. But I'm not bringing home any dates till he's cancelled.

ANGELA: Is that what you came in here to tell me?  
MONA: No, I thought you might like to know that your eleven o'clock appointment is an hour early. Do you want to see him? Or do you want to take a nap first?  
ANGELA: No, send him in. (Mona nods and exits.)  
MONA: (offscreen) Ms. Bower will see you now. (Noah Vanderhoff, an overweight, balding, middle-aged man, played by Brian Doyle-Murray, enters. Angela gets up and shakes his hand.)

ANGELA: Mr. Vanderhoff, I'm so pleased to finally meet you in person.

MR. VANDERHOFF: Likewise, Ms. Bower. Let me ask you something, do you have children?

ANGELA: Uh, yes, I have a sixteen-year-old son and a twenty-year-old stepdaughter. (She hesitates as if wondering whether to mention that she's in her fourth month of pregnancy.)

MR. V: Great! And do they play videogames?

ANGELA: Yes, sometimes. My son more than my stepdaughter, but she's busy with college.

MR. V: That's what I want to talk to you about.

ANGELA: About my stepdaughter?  
MR. V: All the college kids.

ANGELA: Uh, I thought you were in meat-packing.

MR. V: I was. Vanderhoff's Hooves and Lips.

ANGELA: (gesturing at the portfolio on her desk) Oh. Well, I drew up a campaign for hooves. And lips.

MR. V: I guess my secretary forgot to send out the letter. Well, anyway, I'm into videogames now.

ANGELA: Oh.

MR. V: I've got a Noah's Arcade franchise in Chicago, Illinois, but I'm thinking of branching out to the East Coast.

ANGELA: Well, I'm afraid I'm going to need some time to refocus the campaign.

MR. V: Of course. I understand. Meanwhile, I want you to meet me at a TV studio this afternoon.

ANGELA: A TV studio?

MR. V: Yeah, up in Connecticut. There's this local cable show, brand new, but my sources tell me there's already a buzz about it, especially with college kids. And that's the market I'm after. The teens will always go to video arcades, but then they hit nineteen or twenty, like your stepdaughter, and then they think they're too grown-up for it. But if I can sponsor this show—

ANGELA: (trying not to show her worries) Can you tell me a little more about the show?  
MR. V: Well, I haven't seen it yet, but it's supposed to be hip and cutting-edge and very funny. And get this, it's a puppet show!

ANGELA: Wow, that's different.

Scene X: The FUN studio, on the soundstage of Hank's show, that afternoon

(Hank and Jonathan are getting things set up for the show.)  
JONATHAN: Are you sure about this, Hank?  
HANK: Yeah, this is something I need to do.

JONATHAN: Well, maybe if you explain to Sam and Tony and— (As Angela enters with Mr. Vanderhoff.) Mom!

MR. V: (to Angela) Your son works here?  
ANGELA: Yes, actually—

JONATHAN: Mom, before you yell at Hank or sic your lawyer on him—

MR. V: Lawyer? And who's Hank?

ANGELA: Hank is my very talented stepson-in-law.

HANK: (surprised) I am? I mean, yes, I am.

ANGELA: Hank Thomopoulos, I'd like you to meet Noah Vanderhoff, the owner of Noah's Arcade. (Hank eagerly comes over, forgetting that he has the Little Tony puppet on his right hand.)

HANK: Wow, I've heard good things about your arcades from friends in the Midwest! It's an honor to meet you. (He holds out his hand to shake. Mr. Vanderhoff looks surprised to see Little Tony, but then shakes Hank's hand anyway.)

MR. V: (chuckling) This kid is funny! I like that.

HANK: Thank you, Sir.

ANGELA: Hank, Mr. Vanderhoff is interested in sponsoring your show.  
HANK: Wow, really?  
JONATHAN: Does he need a sponsor on local-access cable?

MR. V: You're thinking too small, Kid. If this show is as hot as my sources tell me it'll be, it could go national! Maybe even international.

HANK: I don't know if I want— (They're interrupted by a man of about 30, with granny-style sunglasses, mutton chops, a soul patch, a T-shirt for a nonexistent rock band, a leather jacket, ripped acid-washed jeans, and the top of his shoulder-length hair covered by a backwards baseball cap.)  
MAN: Excuse me.

HANK: Oh, this is my producer. Duncan Finch.

DUNCAN: (shaking hands with Vanderhoff and then Angela) Good to meet you. So you're the Hankster's mother-in-law?

ANGELA: Uh, yes.

DUNCAN: I just wanna say you and the whole family have been great about supporting this artistic endeavor.

ANGELA: Well.

HANK: Actually, Mr. Finch—

DUNCAN: Hey, come on, Mr. Finch is my dad. I'm Duncan, remember?

HANK: Yeah, sorry, Duncan. I'm thinking of pulling back on the satire and edginess.

MR. V: Satire? That doesn't sell.

DUNCAN: No, this is '90s satire. America is tired of celebrities. They want ordinary people. Only exaggerated of course.

MR. V: Oh, well, that's OK then.

DUNCAN: Mr. Vanderhoff, you need to understand. The characters may be designed by the Hankster. But FUN owns the show. So if you're talking national, or international—

HANK: Yeah, but the problem is, I've hurt some people I really care about. And greater exposure would just hurt them more.

DUNCAN: Hank, dude, you don't know what you're saying!

ANGELA: Hank, if this is important to you—

JONATHAN: Can I say something?

HANK: Not now, Jonathan!

JONATHAN: I just thought you might like to know it's almost airtime. And since it's a live show— (Hank dashes back to the stage and the cameraman starts doing the countdown.)

Scene XI: The Bower-Micelli living room, that same afternoon

(Tony is again is working on lecture notes for his evening class. Bonnie enters from the kitchen.)

BONNIE: Uh, Tony, should I tape Hank's show again? Or should I skip it today? (Tony sighs.)  
TONY: I may as well know the worst. It may be the big topic in class tonight. It was at Fairfield High.

BONNIE: Do you want to watch it as it tapes? Or should we wait for Jonathan, Angela, and Mona to get home?  
TONY: I'd rather not watch it in front of Jonathan.

BONNIE: (confused) OK. (She turns on the TV and VCR, programming the latter. Al enters from the back door.)  
AL: Ay, did I miss the show?

TONY: If you mean Hank's show, no, not yet. And why are you watching it over here?

AL: I hate watchin' TV alone. And Sam refuses to watch it. And Bonnie's over here. (They all settle in. The theme song starts playing. Sam enters from the back door.)

SAM: Did I miss anything?  
TONY: I thought you weren't gonna watch.

SAM: I don't want to but it's driving me crazy. I have to know the worst. (He nods. She sits next to him, and he puts an arm protectively around her, like she's still his little girl.)

BONNIE: Oo, there's the Connie character he promised. And look, Al, he gave her a pompadour like I asked.

AL: That ain't a very good pompadour. He shoulda had me design it. (We see Hank's show playing on the television. The camera is in tight on the set, which is just a painted backdrop of a forest. The "Connie" puppet looks like an exaggerated version of Shana Lane-Block, with her overbite, but her brown hair made into a clumsy pompadour. Jonathan is singing a silly tune in falsetto. A puppet who looks like an exaggerated version of Hank appears.)

"CONNIE": Hi, Frank, how are you?

"FRANK": (Hank imitating himself) Not too good, Connie.

"CONNIE": Oh, Frank, what's wrong?

"FRANK": Well, I'm afraid that my new job is making Pam and her family unhappy. (The "Ollie" puppet pops up.)  
"OLLIE": (voiced by Hank to sound like Al) Ay, at least it's good money, right?

"CONNIE": But, Ollie— (Cut back to the living room. Bonnie hits the remote and turns off the TV.

BONNIE: I can't take anymore!

AL: Yeah, this show is real low-budget. I mean, I'm know it's local cable, but still.

BONNIE: It's not that. I can't stand how Jonathan was doing my voice. (Tony and Sam just look at her. Cut to commercial.)

Scene XI: Angela &amp; Tony's bedroom, that night

(They're curled up in bed, talking over the day together.)

ANGELA: …And Mr. Vanderhoff and Mr. Finch both loved the show today! Mr. Finch thought it was "wonderfully post-modern," and Mr. Vanderhoff is convinced college kids will love it.

TONY: Yeah, it was the big topic in class tonight. And it'll probably be the big topic at the high school again, too.

ANGELA: Well, at least Hank didn't put in Toby and Angelica being a little too noisy last night.

TONY: Well, it ain't the Playboy Channel. (She laughs and then they kiss. She sighs happily and then wearily.)

ANGELA: Still, I kind of hope Hank's show doesn't go national. Or international.  
TONY: Well, we survived another show with a guy named Hank.

ANGELA: Oh, God, _Hank the Housekeeper_! I forgot about that.

TONY: Luckily, so did the rest of America.

ANGELA: (imitating an actress trying to do an upper-crust accent) "Hank, how could you barge in on me when I'm taking a bubble bath?"

TONY: (doing an actor's exaggerated Brooklyn accent) "Andrea, I swear, all I saw were your bubbles!" (They both laugh, then kiss again.) Ay, Angela, you wanna see my puppet show?

ANGELA: Does it involve Little Tony?  
TONY: You could say that. (Roll end credits.)


	7. Constant Craving

_TV Guide_ capsule for Saturday, Nov. 21, 1992:

**9 PM Who's the Boss?—Comedy**

Angela's pregnancy affects her new food account.

Scene I: The Bower-Micelli living room, early evening

(Tony is preparing for his night class. Angela comes home from work. Now in her fifth month, she's starting to show a little, although her clothes are less revealing than in recent years, if not as modest as in the first two or three seasons. As always, Tony lights up when he sees her. He leaps to his feet to greet her. They kiss warmly and sweetly. Then he frowns.)

TONY: Uh, Angela, your breath is a little—

ANGELA: Oh, yes, I was sampling a new product from one of my clients. It's a condiment made from hot sauce and mayo.

TONY: Oh.

ANGELA: The company is called Opposites Attract.

TONY: (smiling) I like the name.

ANGELA: (smiling back) Me, too. They come up with weird food combinations, but they're having trouble marketing them, so that's where I come in. I brought home some samples for everyone to try.

TONY: (no longer smiling) Great.

BONNIE: (entering from the kitchen) Oh, hi, Angela—It is OK I call you that, isn't it, Mrs. Bower? I mean Mrs. Micelli.

ANGELA: Yes, it's fine, Bonnie.

BONNIE: I just wanted to let you and Tony know that dinner is almost done.

ANGELA: Wonderful! You didn't make dessert, did you?  
BONNIE: No, I'm sorry, I ran out of time.

ANGELA: (tapping her briefcase) Good, I've got a little surprise. (Tony looks worried. Bonnie is unfazed as usual.)

Scene II: The Bower-Micelli kitchen, about half an hour later

(Angela, Tony, Mona, Jonathan, and Bonnie are sitting around the table, having just finished dinner. Ad-libs about what a good dinner it was. Then Angela gets to her feet.)

ANGELA: (going to the fridge) And I've got the pièce de résistance to finish it off.

MONA: (aside to Tony) If she made it, it will finish us off.

TONY: (aside to Mona) You're gonna wish she made it.

ANGELA: (taking out something in Tupperware) Did you say something?

TONY: Just that I can't wait to see what you've got for us.

ANGELA: (taking the cover off) _Voilà_! (They all look at it.)

JONATHAN: Um, Mom, what is that?  
ANGELA: It's a lime Jell-O mold with tuna and pepperoni slices! Doesn't that sound yummy?  
JONATHAN: Yeah, if we were all pregnant.

MONA: I was pregnant in the '50s and I wouldn't eat it when it was a _Good Housekeeping _recipe.

BONNIE: (getting to her feet) And I'm on a diet. And I've got to study for an exam. (She flees out to the driveway and presumably next door.)

ANGELA: Tony?

TONY: (trying to be a supportive husband) I can't wait to try it. (Angela smiles and sets it on the table. Then she goes to get something to cut and serve it with.)

MONA: (whispering to Jonathan) Quick, let's make a break for it while we can! (Tony puts his hand on her arm and shakes his head. She sighs and stays seated. Jonathan gives her a sympathetic look. Angela returns to the table with the utensils, which she hands to Tony. He cuts himself a small piece of the Jell-O. He slowly moves it towards his mouth, Angela watching eagerly, while Mona and Jonathan act like they shouldn't watch but they can't help it. Tony self-consciously puts the piece in his mouth and chews.)

ANGELA: Well? (He nods and tries to smile while chewing.)

MONA: It's OK to swallow, Tony. (He shoots her an annoyed look, but he does swallow.)

TONY: It's, it's unique.

ANGELA: Let me try some!

JONATHAN: Eat all you want, Mom. Don't worry about us. (Angela sits down again and Tony cuts her off a slightly larger piece than his. He puts it on her plate and she takes a bite. She murmurs appreciatively.)  
ANGELA: Wow, this is great! You two, you need to try it!

MONA: Sorry, but I—I have a date. (She exits quickly to outside. We hear her car start up.)

ANGELA: Jonathan?

JONATHAN: I feel weird even watching this. And I have homework. (He exits through the swinging door.)

ANGELA: (shrugging) Oh, well, more for me. (She cuts herself another slice.) Tony?  
TONY: Sorry, Babe, night class. (He moves in to kiss her goodbye, but doesn't want to deal with her breath, so he kisses her forehead. Then he goes outside. Angela keeps blissfully eating the Jell-O.)

Scene III: The Bower Agency meeting room, the next day

(Angela and her staff are gathered around the table, with samples of the OA product line in front of them. Angela's former rival Shirley Grant, played by Rita Wilson, now works for her.)

ANGELA: So you've all had an opportunity to try the client's product. What do you think? (Everyone looks reluctant to answer.) Jack?

JACK: Well, I had the (he checks his notes) the honey and ketchup spread, on cornbread. It was, well, different.

ANGELA: Mmm, that sounds great! (Jack cuts her slice of cornbread and hands her the spread. She puts it on thickly and takes a bite.) This is amazing! You all have to try this.

SHIRLEY: Oh, gee, I'd love to but I'm vegan.

ANGELA: You are? Since when?  
SHIRLEY: Since we got this account.

STAN: And I'm allergic to corn.

NEAL: Ketchup makes me break out.

ANGELA: What is the matter with you people? I hired you because you're adventurous, imaginative! How can you be afraid of food?

JACK: Well, we're not sure this stuff technically counts as food. (The others nod.)

ANGELA: It is food, wonderful food!

STAN: Angela, I don't know how to say this without sounding sexist—

SHIRLEY: I'll say it. Angela, maybe your pregnancy hormones are playing havoc with your taste buds.

ANGELA: Oh, really? For your information, my husband said he loved the tuna &amp; pepperoni Jell-O.

NEAL: Maybe he didn't want to sleep on the couch. (The others nod. Mona enters.)

MONA: Sorry to interrupt the brainstorming, Angela, but Mr. Oswald, the President of Opposite Attracts, would like to meet with you this afternoon.

ANGELA: Tell him I'll be happy to meet with him. (Mona nods and exits.) I can do this campaign by myself, without the support of my so-called support staff. (Silent reaction from her staff. Roll opening credits.)

Scene IV: Angela's office, that afternoon

(Angela is working quickly at her campaign for Opposites A. Mona enters.)

MONA: Are you ready?  
ANGELA: Just about.

MONA: Dear, maybe there are just some things you can't sell.

ANGELA: I can sell anything, Mother! I'm the best!

MONA: All right then. Should I send in Mr. Oswald?

ANGELA: Yes, go ahead. (She straightens her portfolios as Mona exits and then ushers in Mr. Oswald, closing the door behind him. Mr. Oswald is a young man played by Diedrich Bader, later of _The Drew Carey Show_. He crosses over to Angela's desk and shakes her hand.)

MR. OSWALD: It's good to finally meet you in person, Ms. Bower. I've heard such good things about your agency.

ANGELA: Well, thank you. And I've not only heard good things about your company, but I've tasted the good things you make.

MR. O: (surprised) You liked them?

ANGELA: No, I loved them!

MR. O: (uncertainly) Oh, well, good. I thought you would.

ANGELA: In fact, I believe in your food so much that I've asked someone to meet you here and try your products with no preparation. Of the person, not the food. (She laughs. He uneasily joins in.)  
MR. O: I don't know if that's a good idea—

ANGELA: (into the intercom) Mother, can you send in the blind taste-test volunteer?

MONA: If I have to.

ANGELA: Ha ha, my secretary has a wonderful sense of humor. Yes, send her in. (Mona opens the door again and this time ushers in a blindfolded Paula Abdul.)

MR. O: (as Mona guides Paula to a chair) Is that who I think it is?

ANGELA: Who better as a spokeswoman for Opposite Attracts?

PAULA: (waving) Hi, Everybody.

ANGELA: Now, Ms. Abdul has agreed to try your food sight unseen and give her honest opinion on it, although I'm sure she'll love it as much as I do.

MONA: (aside) If she's pregnant.

MR. O: Um, I don't know about this. I mean, if she wants to sing in the commercial, that's great, but as for a taste-test—

PAULA: Hey, it sounds like fun.

MONA: I'll get the barf bag.

ANGELA: Moth—Mrs. Robinson, please. OK, now, Ms. Abdul, here is the first sample. (She hands over a plate with a finger sandwich on it. Paula takes the plate and feels for the sandwich, then lifts it to her mouth.)

PAULA: (chewing) I'm tasting— (She swallows a little.) Sorry to talk with my mouth full.

ANGELA: It's all right. Go on.

PAULA: It tastes like peanut butter and— (She takes another bite.) And maple syrup. OK, interesting. And— (She gags.) Are there tomatoes in there?

ANGELA: (gleefully) Yes!

PAULA: (whipping off the blindfold) Is this some sick practical joke? Are you people trying to poison me with this crap?

MR. O: Poison? Crap? If anyone's the victim of a practical joke here, it's me! You'll be hearing from my lawyer, Bower! (He storms out.)  
PAULA: And you'll be hearing from my doctor.

MONA: Come with me. I'll take you to the nearest restroom. (She escorts Paula out. Angela looks like she's going to burst into tears, but instead she slams the door and then starts gorging on the remaining samples.)

Scene V: Tony and Angela's bedroom, that night

(Angela is in bed, crying, eating Guacamunchies and Crunchy Crawlers, the latter right out of the box, and drinking Le Fizz. Her hair is in ponytails and she's in a long flannel nightgown. Tony enters, dressed for the night class he's returning from)

TONY: Baby? Are you all right?

ANGELA: (with mouth full and still crying) No! (Tony kicks off his shoes and crawls into bed beside her.)  
TONY: (taking her into his arms) I'm sorry I wasn't here when you got home, but I had basketball practice right after football practice.

ANGELA: I'm glad one of us has a stable job. Well, two jobs in your case.

TONY: Sweetheart, Mona told me what happened, but this is just a setback.

ANGELA: I alienated my latest client and a pop star!

TONY: It could happen to anyone. And you can win them back.

ANGELA: (shaking her head) Maybe I'm losing my touch since getting pregnant.

TONY: So it's my fault?

ANGELA: No, that's not what I'm saying. But maybe hormones are distorting my sense of reality.

TONY: No, just your sense of taste. (She glares at him.) I mean, how things taste. Didn't you have weird cravings when you were pregnant with Jonathan?

ANGELA: (blushing) Not food cravings.

TONY: What then? (She whispers in his ear. He grins, obviously turned on.) Yeah?

ANGELA: But I'm not craving that right now.

TONY: (taking off his jacket and loosening his tie) I think I can make it much more appealing than Crunchy Crawlers. (He gently pulls the food and drink away from her.)

ANGELA: Tony, I need my comfort food!

TONY: Let me comfort you, Angela. (He says it in such a sweet yet sexy way that she nods and smiles.)

Scene VI

(Montage, set to k.d. lang's "Constant Craving," of Angela cheering on the various teams Tony coaches, as she eats a bunch of refreshments.)

Scene VII: The Micelli-Bower living room, Thanksgiving

(Tony, Mona, Sam, Hank, Jonathan, Al, Bonnie, Mrs. Rossini, and Hank's parents, Joe and Fran, are gathered together in the living room, waiting for dinner to be ready and watching a football game. Angela comes out of the kitchen, carrying potato chips and Cheez Whiz. Fran goes over to her.)

FRAN: So Joe and I finally saw Hank's puppet show.

ANGELA: (warily) Oh, what did you think, Fran?

FRAN: Well, we're biased of course, but we think it's hilarious! Especially the cranky fat puppet and his wife with the weird voice.

ANGELA: Ah, yes, Moe and Nan. (The phone rings. Angela takes off an earring and answers the phone.) What? (The others react loudly to the game.) I'm sorry, I'll have to take this in the other room. (to Fran) Can you hang up in here for me?  
FRAN: Of course, Angela. (She waits as Angela exits to the kitchen and then apparently picks up in there. Then the doorbell rings. Since the others are absorbed in the game, Fran hangs up and goes to the front door. She opens it to Paula Abdul.) Hey, I know you! You're that singer. Janet Jackson, right?  
PAULA: No, sorry.

FRAN: La Toya? Rebbie?

PAULA: No, not a Jackson. I'm Paula Abdul. (This gets Jonathan's attention and he looks over at her.)  
JONATHAN: Oh, wow, it is Paula Abdul! (He turns down the volume and leaps to his feet.) Ms. Abdul, it's an honor to meet you! And please forgive my mom. She's being driven crazy by pregnancy hormones.

TONY: Jonathan!

PAULA: No, it's fine, I understand. I'm sorry to bother you all at Thanksgiving, but I need to talk to Ms. Bower. (Angela enters from the kitchen, looking stunned. Paula goes to her.) Ms. Bower, I want to thank you for the gift basket.

ANGELA: Gift basket?

PAULA: Yes, with all the Opposite Attracts food in it.

ANGELA: But I didn't— (Mona coughs as a hint. Angela starts to put pieces together.) Uh, I didn't know how you would react to it, after our meeting last week.

PAULA: Well, normally I would've thrown it out, or sent it back. But your note was so sweet.

ANGELA: Ah, yes, my note.

PAULA: (to the room at large) She said she'd read in a gossip column that I had the flu and had to cancel a concert. She thought I might enjoy some weird comfort food. And the thing is, I did. My taste buds were completely altered. And it all tasted great!

ANGELA: Well, good.

PAULA: So if you're still going ahead with the ad campaign, I'll be happy to do it.

ANGELA: Thank you very much. I'll, I'll be in touch.

PAULA: Great! Oh, and congratulations on the baby.

ANGELA: Thank you.

JONATHAN: Ms. Abdul, do you want to join us for Thanksgiving? We've got plenty of food.

PAULA: Aw, that's sweet of you, but I'm spending the rest of the day with my family. (She looks at her watch.) In fact, I've got to get going. Happy holidays, Everyone! (They all say goodbye and she exits, closing the door behind her.)

TONY: Congratulations, Baby!

ANGELA: Thank you, Tony, but I've still got to win back Mr. Oswald.

TONY: Well, I guess you can't send him a gift basket of his own food, but maybe you could— (The doorbell rings. Angela answers it. Mr. Oswald is there, with a gift basket.)

ANGELA: (surprised) Mr. Oswald!

MR. O: I just want to thank you for not being offended by how I reacted to your taste-test. I understand now what you were doing. And this gift basket idea is genius!

ANGELA: Oh, well, thank you.

MR. O: (handing over the basket) I want you to have this one. And best of luck with your pregnancy.

ANGELA: Thank you very much.

MR. O: I can see it now, "Paula Abdul says Opposites Attract is sick!"

MONA: I don't know how she comes up with these.

MR. O: It's fresh, it's funny, it's fantastic!

ANGELA: Please, I didn't—

MONA: She's so modest.

MR. O: I'll be in touch on Monday. Have a good holiday weekend.

ANGELA: (still confused) You, too. (He exits and closes the door behind him.)

JOE: I don't get what's going on here.

BONNIE: Oh, I do! (They all look at her.)

JOE: You do?

BONNIE: You know, "sick." Like "bad." It means "cool."

MONA: Yeah, get with it.

ANGELA: Mother, you set all this up, didn't you? The campaign, the gift baskets?

MONA: Well, you were my original inspiration. But I still expect a Christmas bonus.

HANK: Oh, I get it. Pregnancy affects your taste buds, and so does being sick. So you'll sell that weird food to people who are sick or pregnant.

MONA: Who better to appreciate it?

MRS. ROSSINI: This is wonderful, Angela! Maybe you can have even more advertising success now that you're eating for two.

ANGELA: Three actually. (They all stare at her.)

SAM: Twins? You and Dad are having twins?

ANGELA: Yes. The phone call a little while ago, that was my obstetrician. Tony and I agreed we didn't want to do an ultrasound since we want to be surprised on whether it'll be a boy or a girl. But I was concerned about my food cravings, whether they were stronger than normal. My doctor said they're fine, but she did want me to know I'm expecting twins. (Now that it's sunk in, Tony is no longer stunned and he leaps to his feet, runs to her, and grabs her in a big hug.)

TONY: Baby, we're having two babies?

ANGELA: Uh huh. Just like you used to want. I hope you still want them. I do, now that I've had a chance to get used to the idea.

TONY: You kiddin' me? This is the best news ever! Now we really have something to be thankful for! (Almost everyone ad-libs congratulations.)

JONATHAN: (confused) But, Mom, how can they be sure this early? You're only in your third month, right?

AL: Ain't it the fifth month? (Bonnie hits his arm.) Well, that's what you told me. (Cut to commercial.)

Scene VIII: Tony and Angela's bedroom, that night

(The camera starts on the lit fireplace.)

TONY: (offscreen) Man, I'm stuffed! I can't eat another bite.

ANGELA: (also offscreen) You, Mrs. Rossini, Fran, and Bonnie really outdid yourselves.

TONY: Thanks, Sweetheart. I could tell you enjoyed it.

ANGELA: I hope I didn't overindulge.

TONY: Ay, it's Thanksgiving. And you had more excuse than anyone.

ANGELA: Well, thank you. The thing is, I've still got room for dessert.

TONY: Yeah, what were you thinking of having?  
ANGELA: (seductively) I'd like to try your favorite cheesecake with Italian sausage.

TONY: Mmm, that does sound like a winning combination. (Cut to them in bed, literally eating cheesecake with Italian sausage. They feed each other and make a mess. They laugh and kiss. Roll closing credits.)


	8. Brand New Key

_TV Guide_ capsule for Saturday, Dec. 5, 1992:

**9 PM Who's the Boss?—Comedy**

Jonathan tries out for the basketball team, which Tony coaches.

Scene I: The Bower-Micelli living room, evening

(Mona is sitting on the couch, flipping through the manuscript for _Love Slaves of the Suburbs_.)

MONA: I can't believe Angela still had this lying around in the garage after five or six years. I think with my expertise, I may be able to turn this worthless garbage into profitable garbage. Let's see. (She takes up a pen and starts jotting down ideas, crossing some things out.) Montgomery had just taken Roxanne into his manly arms and started to stroke her flaxen hair. Mm hm. I guess there's no point in asking Tony and Angela to act out the scene again. They're not that shy anymore, and I'm not going for being banned in Boston. Not over a book anyway. (The door opens and she hastily hides the manuscript under a sofa cushion, as Tony, Angela, and Jonathan enter. Tony looks worried.) How was the basketball game? Did you lose?

ANGELA: Mother!

TONY: Worse than losing.

MONA: What's worse than losing?

JONATHAN: Lewis Parker, one of the players, got injured.

MONA: (shaking her head) Wow, Fairfield High isn't having much of a year, are you? First the former coach gets stampeded by his own football team and now this.

JONATHAN: Tell me about it.

TONY: Parker isn't seriously injured, but he will have to sit out the rest of the season.

MONA: So what happens to the team?

TONY: Well, I'll hold try-outs on Monday. See who we get.

MONA: Do you think you'll get many guys trying out?

TONY: I don't know.

JONATHAN: I think I'd like to.

TONY: (smiling) Yeah? Maybe we can shoot some hoops this weekend, get you ready.

ANGELA: No, I forbid it! (They all look at her.)

TONY: Ay, Angela, it's not nepotism. I'll judge Jonathan fairly, just like I do in the classroom.

ANGELA: No, he might get hurt!

JONATHAN: Mom, it's just basketball.

ANGELA: You injured your foot just a couple months ago. And what about your gymnastics injury?  
JONATHAN: That was years ago!

TONY: Angela, I understand your concern, but Jonathan's almost a grown man. You need to let him take risks.

ANGELA: Oh, I'm sure that's what they told Mrs. Parker! (She runs upstairs.)

TONY: Sorry about that, Jonathan. But you know, with the pregnancy hormones and everything, she's a little more emotional.  
JONATHAN: No, Mom's always been like this. I just wish she'd accept that I'm not a little kid anymore.

TONY: Do you want me to talk to her?  
JONATHAN: Could you?  
TONY: Yeah, of course, Pal-o-Mine. And we can practice tomorrow.

JONATHAN: Thanks, Tony, you're the best.

TONY: Yeah, well. (He heads upstairs.)

JONATHAN: I'm going to get a snack. I wonder what basketball players eat.

MONA: Probably donuts and coffee, so they can make a—

JONATHAN: (nodding) Slam dunk. Funny, Grandma.

MONA: Just don't dribble on yourself! (Jonathan gives a fake laugh and exits towards the kitchen. Mona takes the manuscript out from under the cushion and starts writing.) "Montgomery kissed away Roxanne's tears as she worried about her 16-year-old son joining the French Foreign Legion…."

Scene II: Angela &amp; Tony's bedroom, soon after

(Angela is sitting on the windowseat, quietly crying. Tony comes in, sits down, and wordlessly embraces her from behind. She nestles against him.)

ANGELA: He's my baby. I mean, I know we'll have new babies soon, but he'll always be my firstborn.

TONY: (stroking her stomach) I know, Sweetheart. I feel that way about Sam. But I let her play basketball.

ANGELA: And baseball and all the other sports. But Jonathan's never been athletic like Sam.

TONY: Angela, why did you hire me eight years ago?

ANGELA: Because this place looked like a pit?  
TONY: Well, that, too. But Jonathan's grade-school psychologist said he needed a male role model.

ANGELA: And you've been a wonderful one for him. You've taught him to be confident, respectful, and hard-working.

TONY: Well, I think you can take some of the credit for that. But I taught him how to shoot hoops. And he's pretty good, for a Bower.

ANGELA: Thank you.

TONY: Come on, Angela. He might not even make the team.

ANGELA: Tony, if you don't let him on the team, he's going to think I talked you out of it.

TONY: Ay-oh, oh-ay, I wouldn't let you do that.  
ANGELA: What if I seduced you?

TONY: Are you saying you're going to try to seduce me in order to keep Jonathan off the team?  
ANGELA: Would it work?  
TONY: (grinning) Ay, I'm pretty incorruptible, but give it your best shot. (She turns and gives him a big kiss, one hand running through his hair, the other down his back.) Maybe Parker will recover in time for the next game. Or who knows, I might seduce you into letting Jonathan try out. (They give each other The Look. Roll opening credits.)

Scene III: Tony's high school classroom, late afternoon

(The same students as in Episode 6 are there, except for Lewis Parker. Tony is standing in front of the chalkboard, where he's written some notes on "freedom of assembly.")

TONY: …And to answer your earlier question, Heather, no, it has nothing to do with IKEA. (She nods. The dismissal bell rings. The students file out. Jonathan passes by.) Ay, Bower, will you be there?  
JONATHAN: Yeah, I'll be there, Ton—Mr. Micelli.

TONY: (smiling) See you soon. (Zack Bueller, a jock, starts to pass by.) Bueller, can I talk to you?

ZACK: Yeah, sure, Coach. (Tony waits till all the other students have gone by.)

TONY: About the try-outs today.

ZACK: Yeah, I'll be there. I know you want to see how the new guys fit in.

TONY: Good. But the way your grades have been slipping lately, Parker might not be the only one I have to replace.

ZACK: You kickin' me off the team?

TONY: I don't want to, but you know the rules.

ZACK: I'm the best player you have!

TONY: You're good. But life isn't just sports. Don't you want to go to college next year?

ZACK: Yeah, I'm hopin' to get an athletic scholarship. But I can't if you kick me off the team!

TONY: (shaking his head) Look, being a jock is great. I know. But it doesn't last forever.

ZACK: Are you sayin' I'm gonna end up a housekeeper?

TONY: (trying to control his temper) Not unless you improve your time management skills. Look, I'm not going to make the decision right away. Let's see how you do on the exam in here on Thursday. If you do well enough, it'll bring up your grade in here, and your overall GPA. Deal? (He holds out his hand.)

ZACK: (not shaking) Yeah, I guess. (He exits. Tony sighs and shakes his head, then puts his notes and everything in his briefcase.)

Scene IV: The basketball court, later that afternoon

(Tony, the team, and the guys trying out, including Washington and Adams, are there.)

TONY: (reading off his list) And last up, Bower. (Jonathan takes a deep breath and gets off the bench. He plays one-on-one against Zack and does surprisingly well, since Zack is overconfident. Tony tries not to beam.) Good job, Bower. OK, step up to the free throw lane and shoot some hoops. (Jonathan does, making baskets most of the time.) Great! (Tony clears his throat.) OK, I'm going to need a couple minutes to decide. So everybody wait right here. (He exits to the locker room.)

WASHINGTON: How long is it going to take for him to pick his stepson?

ADAMS: Maybe he's going to call his wife and say, "Yes, Dear, your kid is on the team." (Most of the guys laugh.)

JONATHAN: Listen, my mom doesn't even want me playing basketball! Ton—Mr. Micelli had to talk her into it! (The guys find this even funnier.)

WASHINGTON: Aww, Mommy doesn't want you to play!

ADAMS: Bower, maybe you should stick to the chess club. Or is that too rough for Mommy's little boy?

BUELLER: Ay, lay off the guy, will ya? I can understand his mom might be worried after what happened to Parker.

WASHINGTON: That was pretty rough.

ADAMS: Yeah, I'll admit it made me have second thoughts. But then I thought about all the hot babes that jocks get.

BUELLER: We don't get that many. (His teammates look at him.) Well, six isn't that many, is it? (All the guys laugh. Jonathan isn't comfortable with this locker-room type talk, but he tries to act naturally and laugh along knowingly. Bueller looks at him.) Hey, Bower, can I talk to you a minute?

JONATHAN: Yeah, sure, Bueller. (He lets Bueller lead him aside.) What's up?

BUELLER: You had some good moves out there.

JONATHAN: Thanks, you, too.

BUELLER: Well, I've been doing this awhile. But it probably helps to have the coach for your stepfather.

JONATHAN: Listen, Tony and I practiced a little this weekend but—

BUELLER: Hey, no, it's cool. There's nothing wrong with using what advantages you've got.

JONATHAN: Well, yeah. But he's promised me and my mom that he'll judge me fairly. (He looks like he wonders if he shouldn't have mentioned his mother again.)

BUELLER: I think you'll get on the team because you're good. And that means we'll be teammates. And teammates help each other out, right?  
JONATHAN: Yeah, of course. I like that basketball really is a team sport. Even when there are stars, everyone contributes to the success.

BUELLER: Exactly. And not just in basketball.

JONATHAN: What do you mean?  
BUELLER: Well, let's say I was having a great party on Saturday, with a live band and lots of cute girls. I could help a teammate out by inviting him, right?  
JONATHAN: I'm invited to a Zack Bueller party?

BUELLER: Well, yeah, if you make the team. Which you probably will.

JONATHAN: Wow, I don't know how to thank you!

BUELLER: Well, you never know when you might be able to return the favor.

JONATHAN: Well, I could tutor you if you want. Uh, no offense, but I heard that your grades aren't that great.

BUELLER: That's not a bad idea. But I'm a busy guy.

JONATHAN: Yeah, with six hot babes.

BUELLER: Well, that's just a lifetime total. But I mean with basketball and other stuff. Wouldn't it be great if you could help me get an A on the History exam this week?  
JONATHAN: I don't think I could manage that in just a few days of tutoring.

BUELLER: Wouldn't it be great if there were some sort of shortcut?  
JONATHAN: A shortcut?

BUELLER: Yeah. OK, here's a quick quiz. What's another term for the free throw lane?

JONATHAN: Oh, give me a minute. Grandma was reviewing these with me at breakfast. Um, the paint?

BUELLER: Good guess. (gesturing encouragingly) It's also known as—

JONATHAN: The key?

BUELLER: Bingo!

JONATHAN: (puzzled) The key? (Tony returns so Bueller goes back to sit with other guys. Jonathan follows.)

TONY: OK, this was a really tough decision, especially since I don't know for sure if or when Parker is coming back. Or if I'll have to make other changes. (He carefully doesn't look at Bueller.) So I want Washington—

WASHINGTON: Yes! (He high-fives with Adams.)

TONY: As a back-up replacement.

WASHINGTON: (disappointed) Oh.

TONY: And as a replacement for Parker, I want Bower. (Jonathan doesn't know how to react, especially since he's not sure what his deal is with Bueller.) Ay, can I have a little more enthusiasm here?  
GUYS: (listlessly) Go, Bower.

TONY: Well, it'll have to do. (He shakes his head and exits out to the hallway.)

BUELLER: (patting Jonathan on the back) Good going, Bower. Can I talk to you again?

JONATHAN: (glancing at his watch) Gee, I'm sorry, but I have to go do my puppet show. (He exits quickly.)

GUYS: Puppet show?!

Scene V: Tony's classroom, a couple minutes later

(Tony is at his desk. Jonathan enters.)

JONATHAN: Hi, Tony.

TONY: (looking up) Ay, good goin' out there.

JONATHAN: Thanks.

TONY: And you got it on your own merits you know.

JONATHAN: Thanks.

TONY: Is something wrong?

JONATHAN: I'm not sure.

TONY: Ay, aren't you going to be late for the puppet show?  
JONATHAN: I've got a couple minutes. Tony, what would you do if a friend asked you to do something, but you're not sure you can?

TONY: Oh, I get it. You feel guilty about Hank's show. You're not going to be able to keep helping him out now that you're on the team. Well, that is a dilemma. But sometimes you have to make choices in life. And a real friend would understand.

JONATHAN: Yeah. Thanks, Tony.

TONY: Go ahead and do the show today, since there's no basketball practice. And I'll talk to your mom again when she gets home. (He reaches into a drawer and takes something out.) I almost forgot this. I can't leave it just lying around for anyone to find.

JONATHAN: What is it?  
TONY: (dropping his voice) Well, don't tell anyone, but it's the answer key for Thursday's exam.

JONATHAN: (realizing) Oh! The key!

TONY: (putting the sheet of paper in his briefcase) Yeah, I can trust you, Buddy. Not that you'd ever need to or want to cheat, am I right?

JONATHAN: Right. Well, I'd better get to the studio.

TONY: Catch ya later, Magic.

JONATHAN: Ha ha, right. (He exits, still looking uncertain. Tony looks after him, then shrugs and zips up his briefcase. Cut to commercial.)

Scene VI: The Bower-Micelli kitchen, early evening

(Bonnie is making dinner and rocking out to the music on her Sony Discman. Jonathan enters from outside. She sees him and waves.)

JONATHAN: Hi, Bonnie. Um, can I talk to you? (She nods.) Well, I made the basketball team.

BONNIE: All right!

JONATHAN: Thanks. The thing is, one of my teammates wants me to help him cheat. (She nods again.) And I know it's wrong but he's really cool and it's just one test. And he'll help me meet hot babes. (She nods yet again.) Aren't you shocked? I'm a good kid. I'm a nerd! I'm not supposed to have these kinds of dilemmas. Say something!

BONNIE: (slipping off her headphones) I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the music. Could you start over?

JONATHAN: (sighing) Never mind.

BONNIE: Is something bothering you?

JONATHAN: Well, yeah.

BONNIE: Oh, I know what it is!

JONATHAN: You do?

BONNIE: Yes, Hank killed off your character on his show today. It was so sad! But funny. I cried and I laughed.

JONATHAN: Well, good. But I asked him to kill me off because I made the basketball team and I can't do the show anymore.

BONNIE: You did? Congratulations! But poor Hank!

JONATHAN: That's not my problem.

BONNIE: Wow, that's really callous of you, Jonathan!

JONATHAN: I don't mean it's not my problem like I don't give a damn. I mean that that's not the particular problem of mine that's bothering me right now.

BONNIE: So what problem is bothering you?

JONATHAN: Someone wants me to cheat.

BONNIE: But you're not even dating right now.

JONATHAN: No, Bonnie, cheat on a test.

BONNIE: Why would you cheat? You get good grades even though you skipped a year.

JONATHAN: I mean help someone else cheat.

BONNIE: (shocked) Jonathan!

JONATHAN: I know it's wrong but—

BONNIE: Of course it's wrong. All cheating is wrong! Except cheating on a diet over the holidays.

JONATHAN: (slowly) Right.

BONNIE: Besides, you'll get caught. That's what happened to Sam, remember?

JONATHAN: I remember. But this is different. I would get ahold of the answers, copy them, and pass them on to my friend. And then he could memorize them. So it's really like he's learning, just selectively.

BONNIE: (shaking her head) I don't know, Jonathan, it still sounds wrong. Besides, where would you get the answers?

JONATHAN: I have my sources. Anyway, thanks, Bonnie. (He exits to the living room, while she looks puzzled, then shrugs and puts her headphones back on.)

Scene VII: The Bower-Micelli living room, a moment later

(Mona is working on the manuscript. She has no time to hide it when Jonathan enters through the swinging door.)

JONATHAN: Grandma, what are you doing?

MONA: This? These are some notes your mother asked me to type up at home.  
JONATHAN: All that? Wow, I never thought I'd say this, but you're underpaid!

MONA: Well, yes, but luckily I love my work.

JONATHAN: (to himself) I'm in the Twilight Zone, that's the only explanation for all this.

MONA: All what, Dear?  
JONATHAN: Never mind. I'm going to my room. (She waits till he exits at the back of the set, in the direction of his bedroom. Then she starts working on the manuscript again.)

MONA: Roxanne's young son had returned from the war, shell-shocked. Montgomery comforted her as he knew best…. (Bonnie enters from the kitchen, without the headphones on.)

BONNIE: Oh, hi, Mona, I didn't hear you come home.

MONA: I'm not surprised. (pointing at the headphones) Can I have a listen?

BONNIE: Sure. (She puts the headphones over Mona's ears. Mona starts headbanging. Bonnie looks like she thinks this is very cool. Then Mona stops and takes off the headphones.)  
MONA: That's rough on the hair.

BONNIE: Yeah, Al tries to discourage me from rocking out after he does mine.

MONA: Does your what?

BONNIE: (shocked and amused) Mona!

MONA: Come on, you two are living with newlyweds and you're not inspired to get a little something going with each other?

BONNIE: (blushing a little) Well, Al is cute and we flirt sometimes, but he's so Brooklyn! And not like Tony. Not that I have a crush on Tony!

MONA: Uh huh. Go on, this is really interesting.

BONNIE: Mona, how do you always get me to say things I don't mean to?  
MONA: It's a gift. Any other confessions you'd like to make?

BONNIE: (blurting it out) I know someone who might cheat!

MONA: If it's Joanne Parker or Diane Wilmington, you're about a decade late with that news.

BONNIE: No, it's someone you know very well. Someone you care about.

MONA: (no longer amused) Sam? Hank?

BONNIE: No, this person lives closer to you.

MONA: (taken aback) Not Tony!

BONNIE: No.

MONA: It couldn't be Angela. She wouldn't!

BONNIE: No, but you're getting closer.

MONA: Jonathan?

BONNIE: I didn't say that!

MONA: Jonathan isn't even dating anyone right now. And after failing to decide between Heather Harper and Jenny Wittener, why would he cheat even if he could?  
BONNIE: It's not that kind of cheating.

MONA: Jonathan's going to cheat in school?

BONNIE: No, not exactly.

MONA: He's going to help someone cheat. As the stepson of the History teacher

BONNIE: Wow, you're good!

MONA: I know. Bonnie, what makes you think Jonathan is going to help someone cheat?

BONNIE: He told me.

MONA: I see. And how is he going to go about it?

BONNIE: He's going to steal the answer key and pass it on to his friend. But I didn't tell you that!

MONA: I see.

BONNIE: Mona, did Angela come home with you?

MONA: No, she was taking a later train. Where's Tony?  
BONNIE: He said he was going upstairs to work on something for school. Oh no! The answer key!

MONA: Maybe. I wouldn't mention that to Jonathan if I were you.

BONNIE: Don't worry, Mona, I can keep a secret.

MONA: Of course you can, Dear. Now about Jonathan— (Angela enters from the front door. Mona has just enough time to hide the manuscript under a cushion. Bonnie looks at it. Mona mouths, "Secret." Bonnie nods.)

ANGELA: Hi, Bonnie. Hello, Mother. Are Jonathan and Tony around?

MONA: I think they're both in their rooms.

ANGELA: Oh. Is that a bad sign? Did Jonathan not make the team?

MONA: Neither of them mentioned basketball to me.

ANGELA: (trying not to show her delight) Oh, gee, that's too bad! They must both be so disappointed.

BONNIE: Actually— (Mona signals to her to shut up.) Jonathan did seem a little down.

ANGELA: Oh, my poor baby!

MONA: And don't forget poor Tony. Maybe you should go comfort him.

ANGELA: (blushing and conflicted) Maybe I should. Uh, I'll talk to Jonathan after dinner.

BONNIE: It'll be ready in fifteen minutes.

ANGELA: Fifteen minutes, huh? (She looks towards the stairs, then at her watch, and then runs upstairs. Mona chuckles. Bonnie sighs, shakes her head, and puts her headphones back on.)

Scene VIII: The kitchen, about an hour later

(Angela, Tony, Mona, Jonathan, and Bonnie have just finished eating.)

ANGELA: Jonathan Sweetheart, I'm sorry to bring this up, because I understand why you haven't said anything, but I want you to know that even though I had my reservations about it, I am sorry about how things worked out.

JONATHAN: (shrugging) It's OK, Mom. He'd probably have had to kill me off anyway when I go to college.

ANGELA: (confused) Kill you off?

TONY: Yeah, that was brutal! I mean, it was just a sock puppet but that beheading! (He shudders.)

ANGELA: I'm afraid I don't understand.

BONNIE: Oh, Hank had to kill off Jonathan's character because he made the basketball team.

ANGELA: A puppet made the basketball team? Or do you mean—? Mother! You let me think that Jonathan wasn't chosen!

MONA: Well, Dear, you seemed to be looking forward so much to comforting Tony.

ANGELA: (to Tony) And you didn't say anything?

TONY: Is that why you jumped me? (with a touch of the old Brooklyn Tony) I mean, not that I'm complainin'. Not for nothin'—

ANGELA: (furiously) Oh! (She storms out.)

MONA: You'd better go after her, Tony. Soothe her, comfort her.

TONY: Hey, Mona, my wife and I can "comfort" each other without you interfering.  
MONA: Sorry, old habits die hard.

TONY: Not that it's a bad idea. (He gets up and exits out the swinging door.)

BONNIE: (putting on her headphones) I think it's time I went home. See you tomorrow. (She exits to outside.)

JONATHAN: Thanks a lot, Grandma. Now I've got to hurry to my room to put on my headphones.

MONA: You can wait a couple minutes. You and I need to talk, Buster.

JONATHAN: (trying to play innocent) Uh, about what?

MONA: Three guesses.  
JONATHAN: You want to congratulate me about making the team? (She shakes her head.) You're going to miss my puppet?

MONA: Uh uh.

JONATHAN: (quickly) Bonnie spilled her guts about the wild parties and hot babes?

MONA: Um, no. She just said you were going to help a friend cheat on Tony's exam.

JONATHAN: Oh, well, yeah. If I do, then I get the wild parties and hot babes.

MONA: Then maybe you should cheat.

JONATHAN: (shocked) Grandma!

MONA: Cheat your "friend" I mean.

JONATHAN: Huh?

MONA: Give him a fake answer key.

JONATHAN: What good will that do? He'll figure out it's fake when he sees the test.

MONA: Just tell him that Tony must've changed the key later. Your "friend" will know you tried, and isn't trying the most important thing?

JONATHAN: No, winning is. I mean for someone like Zack Bueller it is. See, if he doesn't pass this exam, then he's off the basketball team.

MONA: He must be a very good friend for you to be so concerned for him.  
JONATHAN: No, I barely know the guy.

MONA: Well, he must be a very good player for you to want to keep him on the team.

JONATHAN: Yeah, he's good. I mean, Washington is probably as good. I'm maybe better.

MONA: Are you better, Jonathan?

JONATHAN: Huh?

MONA: Did you cheat to get on the team?

JONATHAN: Of course not! Tony said I did it on my own merits.

MONA: Well, he would say that, wouldn't he?

JONATHAN: I don't believe this! My own grandmother has no faith in me!

MONA: I have a lot of faith in you. More than you do in yourself. Goodnight. (She exits to outside. Jonathan looks puzzled. Then Vic Damone on CD starts singing, "Begin the Beguine.")

JONATHAN: Oh, no, it's too late to get to my room!

ANGELA: (loudly and offscreen) Mmm, Tony! (Jonathan flees outside. Cut to commercial.)

Scene IX: The living room, Friday night

(Mona is sitting on the couch, still working on the manuscript.)

MONA: _"Roxanne's voluptuous vixen mother, Florencia, tossed her scarlet mane and laughed throatily. 'Don't you understand, Garnett?' she addressed the innocent young brunette neighbor, who was only beginning to explore the underbelly of the suburbs. 'No secret is safe with me. No secret and no man.' 'How low can you stoop?' Garnett spluttered. 'Well, I once won a naked limbo contest in Jamaica,' Florencia began—"_ (The front door opens and Mona again hides the manuscript under a cushion. Tony, Angela, and Jonathan enter, smiling.) Well, how was the game? You all look happy and no one's injured, so I'm guessing it was good.

TONY: It was incredible, Mona! Your grandson is the best player we have! He won the game for us!

JONATHAN: Come on, Tony. It was a team effort.

ANGELA: He's so modest! (She and Tony crush Jonathan in a hug.)

JONATHAN: OK, you guys, you're proud of me, I get it.

MONA: How was the rest of the team?

TONY: Well, they're getting there. Washington was a last-minute replacement, since I had to let Bueller go.

MONA: Oh, what a shame! Did he flunk the test?  
TONY: Mona, he didn't even take it! He said he didn't feel prepared for it. But I appreciate his honesty. And I'm going to have Jenny Wittener tutor him.

MONA: Oh, Jenny Wittener?  
TONY: Yeah, I suggested Jonathan but he said he's got a lot on his plate right now.

ANGELA: Yes, he's going to help Hank audition his replacement. And he also will help work on the scripts on weekends, as long as it doesn't interfere with homework or basketball.

MONA: Jonathan, I didn't know you could write.

ANGELA: (proudly) Well, it runs in the family.

MONA: Does it?

ANGELA: Mother, you know I used to write a little.

TONY: (laughing) Oh God, Mona, remember that awful _Wife Swapping in Waterbury _book she was writing years ago?

ANGELA: _Love Slaves of the Suburbs_! And it was a serious examination of an upper-class subculture.

TONY: Yeah? I remember it as steamy smut.

ANGELA: That's because Mother was reading it out of context.

JONATHAN: Mom, you wrote a dirty book?  
ANGELA: It wasn't dirty! And I never finished it.

TONY: Not dirty, huh? What about Montgomery the human octopus?

JONATHAN: Ew, is this something to do with tentacles?

ANGELA: No! It's just Tony insisted that there was a physically impossible love scene.

JONATHAN: Oh, gross! I'm going to my room. (He exits.)

TONY: Angela, we tried, remember? Mona had me embrace you in my manly arms and run my fingers through your flaxen hair.

ANGELA: (smiling) I remember.

TONY: And I couldn't have my fingers "travel tremblingly down your spine" at the same time.

ANGELA: That's because it was out of context. Come on, I'll show you.

MONA: "Montgomery pulled her roughly toward him, his manly arms enveloping her." (Tony does so to Angela.)

ANGELA: Mother, I can't believe you still remember the exact phrasing.

MONA: Well, Dear, you have the sort of prose style that's not easy to forget. (Angela shakes her head.)

TONY: OK, so what's next?

MONA: "He caressed her neck and his hands ran through her flaxen hair." (Tony acts this out.) "While his fingers traveled tremblingly down her spine to her—"

TONY: Now how am I supposed to do that? (Angela whispers to him. He grins.) Yeah?

ANGELA: And then on page two…. (She whispers something else. He grins more. Since they've now got eyes only for each other, Mona meanwhile sneaks out with the manuscript, as Angela keeps whispering.)

TONY: With his feet? You kiddin' me?

ANGELA: I'll show you upstairs. (The Look at close range. The end credits roll, with Vic Damone singing "An Affair to Remember.")


	9. I Saw Grandma Kissing Santa Claus

_TV Guide_ capsule for Saturday, Dec. 19, 1992:

**9 PM Who's the Boss?—Comedy**

In the sixth month of pregnancy, Angela dreams of a future Christmas.

Scene I: The Bower-Micelli living room, Christmas Eve

(Angela and Sam are decorating the room, although there's not yet a tree.)

SAM: Wow, I just realized how much has happened since last Christmas!

ANGELA: Yes, Tony and I hadn't been engaged very long a year ago.

SAM: And I wasn't even dating Hank. And now look at us, two old married ladies! (Angela laughs and they hug.)

ANGELA: And a year from now….

SAM: I'll be almost done with college!

ANGELA: (trying to not be annoyed with Sam's self-centeredness) And you'll have little brothers or sisters.

SAM: Right. That still hasn't fully sunk in, that you and Dad are gonna have twins.

ANGELA: (letting go and straightening up so that we can clearly see she's in her sixth month) Well, it's sunk in for me.

SAM: And you guys still don't know the sexes?  
ANGELA: We want to be surprised. I mean, I'm glad I know it's twins. I wouldn't want that much of a surprise.

SAM: Are you going to use gender-neutral colors in the nursery?

ANGELA: The nursery?  
SAM: Yeah, you know, the room where babies sleep?

ANGELA: (realizing) Believe it or not, we've been so busy and things have been so crazy these last few months, we haven't even discussed the nursery.

SAM: (amused) Are you sure you guys have done this before?  
ANGELA: Yes, but we're out of practice. Would you mind if we turned your room into the nursery?

SAM: Ay, I'm an old married lady, I don't need the room anymore.

ANGELA: Thank you, Sam. (Mona enters with several sprigs of mistletoe and a stepladder.)

MONA: OK, where should I hang the mistletoe?

SAM: Somewhere that Hank can find it.

ANGELA: And Tony.

MONA: (amused) Newlyweds. (She starts hanging it up.) So where are those husbands of yours?

SAM: Dad took the guys out to chop down a Christmas tree.

ANGELA: We wanted to go but he said it was a male-bonding thing.

MONA: I bet they all look cute in their lumberjack outfits. (The three women laugh. Bonnie enters with a tray of Christmas cookies.)

ANGELA: Mmm, Bonnie, those look delicious!

BONNIE: Thanks, I used Tony's recipe. (Angela grabs a handful.)

ANGELA: (with her mouth full) Mmm, they're just as good as Tony's! (She grabs more.)

BONNIE: (apologetically to Sam and Mona) Um, I can bake some more. (She exits.)

ANGELA: (still with her mouth full) Sorry.

MONA: (to Sam) Aren't you glad you weren't really pregnant a couple months ago?

ANGELA: Mother!

SAM: Oh, I don't know. I mean, it is too soon. But someday, yeah, I'd like a bunch of kids.

MONA: (descending the stepladder) A bunch?

SAM: Yeah. Well, I am Italian.

MONA: I wanted a lot, too, when I was your age, but things didn't work out that way. (Angela meets her eyes and they remember their conversation in the hospital. Angela gives her a quick hug.) I just got one little angel.

SAM: (puzzled) Uh, Mona, did you put something in your eggnog?

MONA: Sorry. I got one little repressed Type-A angel.

SAM: That's more like it.

MONA: It was sort of fun being able to eat like a pig when I was pregnant.

ANGELA: Mother!

MONA: The other thing I remember was that late in the second trimester, I got sleepy all the time.

SAM: (as Angela yawns) Yeah?

MONA: Yes, it's different for every woman, but that was when I really wanted to go to bed. Even by myself.

SAM: (amused) Mona!

MONA: (as Angela looks sleepier and sleepier) It was before it got really hard to find a comfortable position to lie down in, and there was nothing I liked better than getting under the covers and taking a nap. Especially in the wintertime.

SAM: You make it sound real nice.

MONA: It was. Just me and my baby, very cozy. Until the heartburn kicked in of course. (Sam laughs. Then they both notice that Angela is about to fall over.)  
SAM: Angela, are you OK?

ANGELA: (sleepily) Hm, what?

MONA: Dear, I think it's naptime.

ANGELA: (like a little girl) But I wanted to see the tree.

MONA: We'll wake you when the tree's here.

SAM: Can you make it upstairs OK?

ANGELA: Of course I can. (She tries to head towards the stairs and stumbles. Mona and Sam look at each other and nod. Then they go to Angela and each take an arm, helping her walk.)

Scene II: Unknown setting and time

(Close-up on Angela's unconscious face.)

TONY: (offscreen) Ay, are you all right?

ANGELA: Where am I?

TONY: Rockefeller Center. (Angela's eyes open and then the shot cuts to the lighting of the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. Angela closes her eyes and passes out. Roll opening credits.)

Scene III: Initially unknown setting, sometime later

(Another close-up on Angela's unconscious face.)

TONY: (offscreen) OK, wake up. We're home now.

ANGELA: Home?

TONY: Well, my home. I don't know where you live. (Angela opens her eyes and looks around.)

ANGELA: Am I in the back of a van? (Tony opens the side door.)

TONY: You like it? I've had it about thirty years now and it still runs OK, most of the time.

ANGELA: It's the nicest van I've ever been kidnapped in.

TONY: Ay-oh, oh-ay! Kidnapped?! I just couldn't leave you lying on the ground so I figured I'd take you someplace safe till you get your memory back.

ANGELA: My memory?

TONY: Yeah, is anything coming back to you?  
ANGELA: I—why does my head hurt?

TONY: Oh, that's from the shoe.

ANGELA: Someone kicked me?  
TONY: Not exactly. I mean, there was kicking involved but at a distance.

ANGELA: I don't understand.

TONY: Well, you were standing near the stage and one of the Rockettes did one of those high kicks, you know? (He demonstrates.)

ANGELA: Yes?  
TONY: And, well, her shoe flew off. Hit you right in the head!

ANGELA: (putting her hand to her head) Oh.

TONY: And you didn't seem to be with anyone, but you didn't want me to call a doctor. So I didn't know what else to do.

ANGELA: So you took a complete stranger home?  
TONY: Well, yeah. I mean, it's not like it sounds. I mean, I've got a family and everything.

ANGELA: So why weren't they with you at Rockefeller Center?

TONY: I'm the only one who cares about the tree-lighting. Everybody else thinks it's boring.  
ANGELA: Oh. Well, I live in Connecticut, so—

TONY: (excitedly) Oo, Connecticut! Now what town?

ANGELA: Um, I'm not sure.

TONY: OK, we're still making progress here. Do you remember your name?  
ANGELA: Yes, it's Angela. Something.

TONY: (smiling and holding out his hand) Well, Angela Something, I'm Tony Micelli.

ANGELA: (shaking his hand) It's nice to meet you, Mr. Micelli.

TONY: You, too, Ms. Something. (She laughs. Then they both notice they're still holding hands.) Uh, let me help you out of the van. You're probably still a little shaky.

ANGELA: Thank you. (She gets out of the van, still holding his hand. In the better light, we can see that they're both dressed for winter, he more like the Tony of '84 than of '92, although they both look about fifteen years older than in Season Nine. They're on a nice tree-lined street, not suburban, but somewhere in New York.) Where are we?

TONY: Brooklyn.

ANGELA: So a tree does grow in Brooklyn.

TONY: Yeah, we've got a few.

ANGELA: I didn't know Brooklyn was so pretty.

TONY: Well, depends on the neighborhood. I grew up on Pitkin Avenue, which was great in some ways, but pretty rough. I wanted something nicer for my kids.

ANGELA: You have kids?

TONY: Yeah, a few. (The front door of one of the houses opens and a pack of kids of all ages run out and ambush Tony.)  
ANGELA: This is a few?

TONY: Well, these aren't all my kids.

ANGELA: Oh?  
TONY: Some of them are my grandkids.

ANGELA: Oh.

Scene IV: Tony's living room, soon after

(A woman with graying black hair has her back turned to the camera as she cleans. Some of the kids rush in the front door.)

MATTY: Grandma, Grandpa brought some strange lady home! (The woman turns and we see it's Gina, who's about 20 years older than the last time we saw her.)

GINA: Matty, I told you not to make up crazy stories!

ANNA: It's true, Grandma, she was in his van.

NICKY: Here they come! (Tony enters with Angela and the rest of the kids.)

TONY: Honey, I'm home.

GINA: I see that. And who's this?

TONY, JR.: He picked her up in New York. (Tony, Sr. makes a slapping motion in the direction of his teenaged son.) Well, that's what you said!

ANGELA: Hi, I'm Angela—And, well, it's a long story, but I think I have amnesia, and your husband was kind enough to look after me.

GINA: Yeah, he's all heart. (Sam enters, heavily pregnant and arguing with a girl of about 18.)  
SAM: No, Maria, you're too young and that's final!

MARIA: But, Ma!

ANGELA: That's your daughter? But you don't look even 40!

SAM: I'm 37. What's it to you?

ANGELA: Nothing. It's just—Well, I have teenagers myself and—

TONY: You do?  
ANGELA: I think so. And you have to let them live their lives. Go to parties. Get their ears and maybe other parts pierced.

SAM: It ain't her ears I'm worried about!

MARIA: Ma, you were my age when you got married.

SAM: Yeah, and look how that turned out.

TONY: Ay, ay, not in front of company!

SAM: I'm sorry, Mrs.—

TONY: She doesn't have a last name.

SAM: Like Cher?  
TONY: No, like an amnesia victim. (Al enters from the kitchen.)  
AL: Ay, where's my supper?

SAM: Sorry, Honey. What with our oldest daughter wanting to throw her life away on some bum, and Dad dragging home amnesia victims, it slipped my mind.

AL: Maybe you got amnesia.

ANGELA: (to Tony) Excuse me, does all your family live here?

TONY: Ay, we're Italian. But, no, a couple of my other daughters live with their husbands. In their own homes.

AL: Ay, excuse me for not bringing in the big bucks like Joe Rossini, Jr., or—

GINA: I'll make the supper.

TONY: Uh, you want some help, Sweetheart?

GINA: Very funny, Tony. I assume your guest is staying.  
ANGELA: If it's all right.

TONY: You kiddin'? Gina makes enough to feed an army. (Angela looks around at all the kids and grandkids and nods as if she can see why.)

Scene V: The dining room, dinnertime

(Tony's family is crowded around the dinner table, talking loudly and grabbing food. Gina is waiting on Tony like a servant, and he seems to take it for granted. Angela looks very uncomfortable and overwhelmed.)

AL: So you don't remember nothin' about yourself, except your first name, your home state, and maybe your kids?

ANGELA: I, well, maybe if I could find someplace quiet so I could think.

AL: Good luck with that around here.

SAM: Yeah, Al ain't done no thinkin' since the late '80s.

AL: You're a riot, Sammy.

ANGELA: (getting up) Excuse me, I just need to get some fresh air. (She gets up and goes outside. No one notices but Tony.)

Scene VI: The backyard, a couple minutes later

(Angela is shivering a little because it's December and she went outside without her coat. Tony comes out, carrying her coat.)

TONY: Ay, I thought you might need this.

ANGELA: Thank you. (He helps her put it on, then steps away from her.)  
TONY: I'm sorry about all the craziness.

ANGELA: No, it's fine. Under other circumstances I might enjoy it.

TONY: Hey, I was thinkin'. You must have ID or somethin' in your purse, right?

ANGELA: Of course! Why didn't I think of that?  
TONY: Well, you can't be expected to remember everything.

ANGELA: Or anything. (They chuckle together.)

TONY: I didn't want to rummage through there myself, but I can bring it out to you, and you can look. And if there's something with your address inside, then I'll take you home.

ANGELA: All the way to Connecticut?  
TONY: Well, as long as I'm home by Christmas. (They laugh uncertainly together.)  
ANGELA: You're very sweet, you know that?  
TONY: Yeah, well. Be right back. (He goes back inside the house. She sighs and snuggles deeper into her coat. He returns with her purse and hands it to her.)  
ANGELA: Thank you. (She looks inside and pulls out her ID.) I'm Angela Bower. And, yes, here's my address: 3344 Oak Hills Drive, Fairfield, Connecticut.

TONY: Great! You go wait in the van and I'll tell Gina.

ANGELA: Can I ride up front this time?  
TONY: Whatever you like.

Scene VII: The front seat of Tony's van, a few minutes later

(Angela glances at her watch, looks in her purse for more clues, and then glances at her watch again. Then Tony comes out to the van.)

ANGELA: (as he gets into the driver's seat) Is everything all right?

TONY: Yeah, it's fine. (He starts the car.) It's just Gina wanted me to take some of the kids along.

ANGELA: So they could see Connecticut?  
TONY: Uh, not exactly.

ANGELA: Well, what exactly?  
TONY: Well, you're gonna laugh.

ANGELA: Am I?  
TONY: See, Gina is a great wife. Beautiful, loyal, doting, good cook, good mother, the works. But she does get a little jealous sometimes.

ANGELA: I see.

TONY: I mean, I'm faithful, of course. And it's not like you're some young bimbo, right?  
ANGELA: Are we at the funny part yet?  
TONY: Ay, no offense. You're a very pretty, classy lady. But it's not like you'd have anything to do with a Brooklyn bartender with six kids and six grandkids, right?

ANGELA: You're a bartender?

TONY: Yeah. I mean, I wasn't always.

ANGELA: What were you?  
TONY: Believe it or not, I played for the Cards.

ANGELA: In Vegas? Or Atlantic City?

TONY: (amused) No, the St. Louis Cardinals. Baseball?  
ANGELA: Oh, right.

TONY: But that was a long time ago, when I was married to Sam's mother.

ANGELA: So Gina is your second wife?  
TONY: Yeah, Marie, my first, she, she died when she was young.

ANGELA: I'm sorry.

TONY: Yeah. And then when Sam was thirteen, I got together with Gina. And here we are, twenty-four years later.

ANGELA: Wow, almost a quarter of a century. Makes a girl think.

TONY: (grinning) _Some Like It Hot_, right?  
ANGELA: Right. I love old movies.

TONY: Yeah, me, too. Gina, not so much. Not the comedies anyway.

ANGELA: My husband is the same.

TONY: Yeah, so you remember your husband?

ANGELA: I remember that part. (An awkward silence.)

TONY: So, uh, what do you think is the best route to Fairfield?

ANGELA: Uh, gee, this is not a good time to ask me.

TONY: Right, yeah, sorry. I'll stop at the next gas station and ask for directions.  
ANGELA: You ask for directions?  
TONY: Why not? I'm secure in my manhood.

Scene VIII: Angela's porch and then living room, an hour and a half later

(Tony walks Angela to her front door. The feeling is like the end of a first date, despite the circumstances.)

ANGELA: Uh, did you want to come in?  
TONY: Uh, gee, I don't know. I should probably be heading home. Tomorrow's Christmas Eve and we've got a lot goin' on.

ANGELA: Of course. Well, thank you for everything.  
TONY: Ay, no problem. (They look at each other like they want to kiss or at least hug. Instead they shake hands. But they don't let go immediately. Then the door is yanked open and Geoffrey Wells stands there. He looks about twenty years older than the last time we saw him.)

GEOFFREY: Angela, where the hell have you been? And who is this guy? (Tony and Angela let go of each other.)  
ANGELA: This is Tony Micelli. Tony, meet my husband, Geoffrey, um, Wells.

TONY: I thought your last name was Bower.

ANGELA: It is. I mean, that's my first married name.

TONY: You were married before?  
ANGELA: Yes, to my son's father. I still use "Bower" for business purposes.

TONY: What business?

ANGELA: Some sort of sales.

TONY: Ay, this is great! It's all coming back to you, bit by bit.

GEOFFREY: Angela!

TONY: Hey, Buddy, ease up. She's had a memory loss.

GEOFFREY: (shocked) Angela, have you been drinking?

TONY: No, she just got a little too close to a Rockette. (He and Angela laugh. Geoffrey does not at all look amused.)

GEOFFREY: You're just like your mother!

ANGELA: (desperate for clues) Am I?

MONA: (slurred and offscreen) Is that my wandering angel? Did she find her way home?

ANGELA: Mother? (Mona appears in the doorframe next to Geoffrey. She's pushing 80 and looks older, mostly because she's drunk and slovenly.)

MONA: Little Angela! (She embraces her.)  
GEOFFREY: Come inside, before you embarrass us in front of the neighbors. (Mona leads Angela in, still hugging her. Tony uncertainly follows.) I didn't mean you.

ANGELA: No, Geoffrey, you don't understand. Tony is a good Samaritan.

MONA: We gave at the office. (Geoffrey shakes his head but closes the door behind Tony. Mona lets go of Angela and looks at Tony.) Hey, I know you!

TONY: Uh, no, I don't think so.

MONA: Yes, I do! We met twenty-five years ago.

TONY: Well, I am a bartender.

MONA: (shaking her head) No, you weren't back then. You were driving a fish truck.

ANGELA: No, Mother, he played for the St. Louis Cardinals.

GEOFFREY: You're that Tony Micelli?

TONY: Well, yeah.

GEOFFREY: I'm sorry. I just thought you were some random guy bringing my wife home.

ANGELA: (a little indignantly) Oh, so because he's a former athlete, it's OK?

TONY: (to Mona) Hold on, how did you know about the fish truck?  
MONA: That's what you told me then. When I suggested you work for Angela.

TONY: Me, work for Angela? I don't even know what she does.

MONA: She's a Vice-President at Wallace and McQuade.

GEOFFREY: (proudly) The twelfth largest advertising agency in the country.

TONY: (impressed) Nice! (to Mona) But I don't know nothin' about advertising.

MONA: (shaking her head) Not working for her there. But here.

TONY: (looking around the living room) Here?  
MONA: As her housekeeper. (Geoffrey laughs.)  
ANGELA: (to Tony) You'll have to forgive Mother. She gets a little, well, imaginative sometimes.

TONY: You're gonna think this is crazy, but she's right. I remember now! I was trying for a job as her apartment building's super, which I didn't get. But on my way to the interview, I met this lady in the lobby with red hair and a big b—bicycle.

MONA: That was me! (Tony looks like he doesn't want to say that she's really let herself go.)  
TONY: OK. Anyway, she said her daughter needed a housekeeper and she suggested I try for it. But I'd never had a job like that before, and I didn't know about moving all the way to Connecticut, so I kind of forgot about it. Until now.

MONA: It's coming back to you, isn't it? I showed you her picture and told you about her cute little boy.

GEOFFREY: Ha!

ANGELA: (defensively) He was a cute little boy. (Jonathan enters from the kitchen, wearing sweats and with a boa constrictor around his neck. Tony lets out a startled scream.) Uh, Tony, this is my son Jonathan.

TONY: We meet at last. (Jonathan mumbles something.) What did he say?  
ANGELA: Sorry, he's a little shy with strangers.

GEOFFREY: A little shy?

ANGELA: Geoffrey.

GEOFFREY: Angela, he's 33 and lives in the basement completely surrounded by reptiles.

ANGELA: Well, when the twins insisted on separate rooms—

TONY: (smiling) You got twins? I always wanted twins.

ANGELA: (remembering) Yes, I have two lovely twin daughters. They're—they're 16!

TONY: (rooting her on) All right!

MONA: They're not identical. Well, not exactly. (Two teenaged girls, played by Mayim Bialik and Sara Gilbert, descend the staircase together. Although they don't look much alike, they move at the same time and are dressed in identically frumpy dresses, more suited to old ladies. Mayim's character is named Ada, Sara's is Ara.)

ADA: Mother, what is that tacky van doing out front?  
ARA: And who is this man?

ANGELA: (scolding) Ada, Ara— (She breaks off.) Tony, I remember, I remember everything!

TONY: (forgetting himself and giving her a big hug) Angela, that's great! You remember your job and your family and everything!

ANGELA: Not just that! I remember Mother telling me about you, and I said it'd be interesting to have a male housekeeper, but then you never showed up.

TONY: Well, better late than never. (They laugh together. And then they notice her family staring at them and let go.)

ANGELA: I feel dizzy again.

TONY: Here, you'd better lie down. (He leads her over to the couch, making her family stare even more.)  
ANGELA: (lying down and closing her eyes) Thank you, Tony. You're so sweet. (Fade-out.)

Scene IX: Angela's bedroom, time initially unknown

(Still another close-up on Angela's unconscious face.)

TONY: (offscreen) Wake up, Baby. Don't you want to see the tree?

ANGELA: Tony? I had the weirdest dream.

TONY: Yeah, what happened? (She opens her eyes and we see that she still looks like she's in her late 50s. Tony looks much older, since he's dressed as Santa Claus. She screams at the sight of him.) Baby, it's OK. It's me!

ANGELA: I'm sorry, Tony, I'm just disoriented.

TONY: Let's go downstairs and I'll show the tree and then you can tell me about your dream.

Scene X: The living room, decorated for Christmas

(Tony is leading Angela downstairs, covering her eyes.)

ANGELA: This reminds me of the prom night you made for me, remember?  
TONY: Yeah, I remember. But this is going to be less tropical. (He leads her over to a medium-sized tree.) OK, now you can look.

ANGELA: You and the guys cut this down yourselves?  
TONY: You kiddin' me? We haven't done that in ten or fifteen years.

ANGELA: Oh, right. Like I said, I'm a little disoriented.

TONY: Let me refresh your memory. You're Angela Bower-Micelli and I'm your husband Tony. We've known each other twenty-five years but have been married only seventeen because I was a knucklehead.

ANGELA: (smiling) Well, some of the fault was mine.

TONY: Well, it made for an interesting journey.

ANGELA: Tell me more about us.

TONY: Well, you've got a very successful ad agency, and I'm doing what I love best, teaching. Well, what I love second best. (pointing up) Oo, look, mistletoe! (He gives her a very sweet, loving kiss. A little girl of about four, played by Emma Stone, enters from the kitchen and gasps at the sight of them.)

LITTLE GIRL: Mommy, I see Grandma kissing Santa Claus! (A boy of about seven, played by Jonathan Halyalkar, enters.)  
LITTLE BOY: No, Emma, that's just Grandpa pretending to be Santa Claus. (Tony and Angela stop kissing.)  
ANGELA: Billy?

LITTLE BOY: No, I'm Nicky, Grandma, remember? (Sam enters, wearing an edgy but classy business outfit and carrying a baby.)

ANGELA: (going gooey) Oh, a baby!

SAM: (puzzled) Yeah, I told you I'd be bringing little Tony.

TONY: It's his first Christmas! (A buzzing noise.)

SAM: Dad, can you take the baby?

TONY: (doing so) Of course, Sweetheart. (He and Angela coo at the baby, as Sam takes out a futuristic-looking cell phone.)

SAM: (into the phone) Al Baby, how's it goin'? Yeah, I love it! You're beautiful!

ANGELA: She married Al?

NICKY: Grandma, Daddy's name is Hank.

EMMA: That's just agent-talk.

TONY: Remember, Honey? She manages Al's band. And all the other bands at her record company.

ANGELA: Of course.

TONY: (to the baby) Your mommy is a big-shot record producer and your daddy is running the Children's Television Workshop.  
ANGELA: Oh, that's so nice! And do they have other kids?

TONY: You really don't remember all this?  
ANGELA: My head feels really fuzzy.

TONY: (nodding) Yeah, I don't know what Mona put in the eggnog, and you had more than your share. No, with how busy Sam and Hank are, it took them awhile to have these three.

ANGELA: Of course.  
EMMA: Grandpa, why are you pretending to be Santa Claus?  
TONY: Well, I'm sort of one Santa's helpers. Do you know any good little boys and girls who want presents tomorrow?

EMMA &amp; NICKY: Me, me! (Tony hands Angela the baby and leads the other two kids over to the couch. He sits down and puts the kids on his knees.)

TONY: Now, Santa's already picked out some presents for you two, but I can let him know if there's anything we missed.

SAM: (covering the phone) Dad, you'll spoil them!

TONY: I'm a grandfather, that's my job. (The doorbell rings.)  
TEENAGE GIRLS: (simultaneously and offscreen) I'll get it.

ANGELA: (murmuring) The twins! (The twins, still played by Mayim and Sara, race down the stairs. Mayim/Ada is dressed like her Blossom character, while Sara/Ara is in full goth-Darlene mode. They arrive at the door, Ara slightly ahead of Ada, so she opens the door to Jonathan. He's dressed in geek-chic.)

ARA: Oh, it's you.

JONATHAN: Good to see you, too, Little Sis.

ADA: (giving him a big hug) Jonathan! What did you bring us?

JONATHAN: A surprise. But it's for everyone.

ARA: (sarcastically) Great, I love group presents. (Jonathan laughs and messes up her hair.) Watch it, the black dye isn't dry yet.

TONY: (getting up, with the kids clinging to his legs) Ho ho ho, little Jonathan!

JONATHAN: Hey, Tony.

EMMA: Uncle Jonathan, he's Santa's helper.

JONATHAN: Yeah, I see that. (He comes over and hugs Tony. Then Sam hangs up and there's lots of hugging among everyone, with the baby being passed around until he's back in Angela's arms.)  
ANGELA: (to the baby) You have Big Tony's eyes, you know that? (The baby smiles at her, and she sighs happily. Then two teenage boys, played by Josh Charles and Seth Green, enter the open door.)

ADA: Mmm, are those the presents?  
ARA: I'm not sharing!

JONATHAN: (putting his arms around the twins) Girls, meet your new step-nephews, Josh and Seth.

ADA: Huh?

ARA: Jonathan, you're our half-brother, not our stepbrother.

JONATHAN: Right. The "step" is from my marriage.

ANGELA: But you're not married? (to Tony) Is he?  
TONY: Not that I know of. (A woman who's also dressed geek-chic enters. She's played by Emma Thompson.)  
WOMAN: Well, I paid the bloody cab driver, Jonny, so—

ANGELA: (handing the baby back to Sam) Jonathan, you married an Englishwoman? With two sons?

JONATHAN: Yeah, Great-Grandma introduced us when I was working on that documentary at the BBC this summer.

ANGELA: (to herself) God, it's 2009 and Nanna is still alive!

JONATHAN: Everybody, this is Fiona. Fiona, this is some of everyone.

FIONA: Lovely to meet you all. Where's the loo?

JONATHAN: The closest one is under the stairs.

FIONA: (blowing him a kiss) Thank you, Darling! (She races to the bathroom.)

JOSH: Mom gets carsick.

SETH: And airsick.

ADA: You two both sound American.

JOSH: Yeah, our dad was American.

ANGELA: Was?  
SETH: Yeah, Mom is a widow.

ANGELA: Oh, how sad! Tony was a widower and I'm divorced.

JOSH: Yeah, we know.

SETH: You two were both afraid of commitment because Tony lost his wonderful wife and you still were bitter over Jonathan's father.

ANGELA: How is it they know all this and we've never heard of them?

JONATHAN: (shrugging) It was a long flight.

ANGELA: Other than Hank, is everyone here now?  
TONY: Well, Mona went to pick up her date.

ANGELA: (smiling) Of course. Who's she seeing these days?  
TONY: Who can keep track anymore? (Everyone laughs. Mona enters on the arm of Harrison Ford. He looks 50, as he would be in 1992, while she also hasn't aged a bit.)

MONA: Hello, increasingly extended family!

ANGELA: Mother, you look wonderful!

HARRISON: (smitten) She does, doesn't she?

ANGELA: (as Fiona reemerges from the bathroom) You all look wonderful. I'm the luckiest woman in the world!

ADA: You're so corny, Mom.

ARA: If she says "God bless us, Everyone," I'm leaving.

TONY: (sitting on the couch and pulling Angela into his lap) So, Little Girl, you don't want anything else for Christmas? (Angela blushes and then whispers something to Tony, who grins.) Let's wait till Christmas morning, OK, Honey-Bunny?

FIONA: (embracing her husband) I see what you mean, Jonny. Still at it like knives. (Angela blushes more. Tony kisses her cheek. Cut to commercial.)

Scene XI: Angela's bedroom, time initially unknown

(One last close-up on Angela's unconscious face.)

TONY: (offscreen) Wake up, Baby. Don't you want to see the tree? (Angela opens her eyes and sees Tony as he looks in '92.)

ANGELA: Wow, you look really good for your age!

TONY: Uh, thanks, you, too. (Angela looks at her stomach and sees she's pregnant.)  
ANGELA: Oh. Is this still 1992?

TONY: Yeah, for another week. You didn't sleep that long!

ANGELA: Tony, we need to talk about the twins.

TONY: Our twins?  
ANGELA: Yes. I have a feeling they might both be girls. How would you feel about that?  
TONY: Well, you know, I always wanted a son, but I've got Jonathan. And I'm sure I'd love our daughters as much as I love Sam.

ANGELA: Thank you. (She kisses his cheek.)

TONY: But what's this feeling based on?  
ANGELA: Strange dreams.

TONY: Well, you can't go by that. Marie dreamed the craziest things when she was pregnant.

ANGELA: (nodding) I did, too, when I was pregnant with Jonathan.

TONY: So what were these dreams about?

ANGELA: I'll tell you later. First, you show me your tree, and I'll show you the mistletoe. (He grins. Roll closing credits.)


	10. Welcome Back, Micelli

_TV Guide_ capsule for Saturday, Jan. 2, 1993:

**9 PM Who's the Boss?—Comedy**

Tony has a chance to teach at his old high school.

Scene I: Mrs. Rossini's apartment, late on New Year's Eve

(Mrs. Rossini's guests, including the Micelli-Bower family, are mingling.)

MRS. ROSSINI: (pinching her cheeks) Angela, you're glowin'!

ANGELA: That's because you keep pinching my cheeks.

MRS. R: I'm sorry, but I'm just so excited for you and Tony. Twins!

ANGELA: Yes, it's pretty exciting.

MRS. R: Ya know, after Marie died, I kept hopin' he'd find someone again. I even tried fixin' him up, ya know.

ANGELA: Yes, I remember.

MRS. R: Ay, no hard feelin's, right? Naturally, I assumed he'd want an Italian girl from the old neighborhood, one who would give him babies. Who knew that the uptight career woman he abandoned Brooklyn for would turn out to be Miss Right?

ANGELA: Yes, I think it surprised all of us. (A black woman with short hair comes over.)

MRS. R: Melva, you made it! (She pinches Melva's cheeks.)

MELVA: (rubbing her cheeks) Yes, I wouldn't have missed it for anything.

MRS. R: Angela, you remember Melva Allen, don't ya?  
ANGELA: Oh, yes, from the Brooklyn Parents Association. Good to see you again. (They shake hands.)

MELVA: You, too. Angela Bower, right?  
ANGELA: Well, Angela Bower-Micelli.

MELVA: You and Tony got married?

MRS. R: Isn't it wonderful? (She moves to pinch Angela's cheeks again, but Angela puts up her hands protectively.) Oh, excuse me, my uncle just arrived. (She goes to greet Al.)

MELVA: So I'm guessing Tony isn't working for you anymore?  
ANGELA: No, he went to college and got a teaching degree. He's now teaching History and coaching all the sports at Fairfield High.

MELVA: Wow, congratulations for all of that!

ANGELA: Thank you.

MELVA: So, does he like it at Fairfield?  
ANGELA: Yes, he does. It's not an easy age to deal with of course, but he's really making a difference in the kids' lives.

MELVA: I'm glad. I remember when he was President of your PTA.

ANGELA: And what about you? Are you still active in the organization?

MELVA: Well, less than I was. It's been six years, so my youngest is just finishing up high school.

ANGELA: So's mine.

MELVA: (looking at Angela's stomach) Oh?  
ANGELA: (blushing) Well, my current youngest.

MELVA: Congratulations on that, too.

ANGELA: Thank you.

MELVA: So I'm guessing Tony doesn't miss Brooklyn?

ANGELA: Well, this will always be a part of him. He loves coming home to the old neighborhood, like tonight.

MELVA: How would he feel about coming home five days a week?

ANGELA: Excuse me?

MELVA: My son's History teacher is going to be taking maternity leave for the rest of the year. Her doctor's advising bed rest, and no stress, so teaching him and his classmates is obviously out. The school board is going crazy trying to find a replacement. Believe it or not, this isn't exactly a popular neighborhood, especially with outsiders.

ANGELA: Oh. Are you suggesting—?

MELVA: Unless Tony has a binding contract with Fairfield High.

ANGELA: Well, no, he's sort of a replacement there. The old coach slash History teacher was injured, and we're still not sure if and when he's coming back.

MELVA: In that case, maybe I should talk to him.

ANGELA: Uh, let me broach the subject. There would be a lot we'd have to discuss.

MELVA: Of course. And thank you.

MRS. R: (characteristically loudly) All right, Everybody, it's almost midnight! Ten. Nine. Eight— (The crowd joins in, as Tony rushes to Angela's side.)

TONY: (as the crowd counts down to three) Can't miss the New Year's kiss, right, Baby?

ANGELA: (as the crowd says two) Right.

EVERYONE: One! Happy New Year! (Everyone kisses and/or hugs, including Sam and Hank, Mona and her date, and of course Tony and Angela.)

TONY: (still holding her close) Angela, I think 1993 is going to be full of wonderful surprises.

ANGELA: (uncertainly) Wonderful. (Roll opening credits.)

Scene II: Tony and Angela's bedroom, very early New Year's Day

(Angela is lying in bed. Tony is offscreen in the bathroom, gargling. Then he swallows.)

TONY: Great party, huh?  
ANGELA: Yes, it was nice seeing everyone.

TONY: Yeah, Brooklyn never changes.

ANGELA: Right.

TONY: (standing in the doorway, looking seductive) So, Angela, made any resolutions?

ANGELA: Tony, we need to talk.

TONY: (disappointed but trying to be sympathetic) Yeah, sure. (He gets into bed.) Is it about the babies?

ANGELA: No, although this will affect them.

TONY: Ay, I told you, I'll get to work on the nursery tomorrow. Or do you want Joe to do it?  
ANGELA: It might be better to have Joe. But that's not what I was talking about.

TONY: (thinking that he realizes) Oh! I'm sorry, I've been insensitive. It's just, with Marie, she still liked a little, well, you know—But if you're not in the mood anymore—

ANGELA: No, Tony, I am in the mood. I mean, not right this minute, but generally, yes. And I'm very flattered that you still find me attractive.

TONY: What, you kiddin' me? I'll still find you attractive when you're old and toothless.

ANGELA: (touched) Oh, Tony!

TONY: Of course, it'll make kissing kind of weird, but I'll probably be toothless, too.

ANGELA: Oh, Tony, I can't wait to grow old with you!

TONY: Well, I can wait, but yeah. It'll be nice. (They kiss softly and sweetly.) That's not what you wanted to talk about either, is it?  
ANGELA: No. I was talking to Melva Allen tonight. Do you remember her?

TONY: Melva? Oh yeah, the boxing typist's sister.

ANGELA: Right. And she's still in the Brooklyn Parents Association and she said— (She takes a deep breath.) She said they're looking for a replacement History teacher at the high school.

TONY: Yeah? Don't tell me he got stampeded by the football team?

ANGELA: No, she, the current teacher, is going on maternity leave for the rest of the year.

TONY: Well, not every woman works till the last minute like you're planning.

ANGELA: Right. Melva also said they're having trouble replacing the teacher. A lot of teachers don't want to work in that neighborhood.

TONY: (shaking his head) Brooklyn's always getting a bum rap. Sure it's kind of rough, especially Pitkin Avenue, but there are a lot of good people. And I turned out OK.

ANGELA: You turned out more than OK.

TONY: (touched) Thank you. And they just need to get someone in there who understands that those aren't bad kids. Someone who understands Brooklyn.

ANGELA: (softly) Yes, they do.

TONY: Wait a minute, you mean me?  
ANGELA: I promised Melva I'd talk to you about it.

TONY: But my life is here now! With you and the kids. And Fairfield High.  
ANGELA: I know.

TONY: What, she thinks I can just uproot you and Jonathan for a job that'll be over at the end of the year?

ANGELA: Well, maybe you could commute. Or we could live somewhere in New York, not necessarily Brooklyn. But near there, and Manhattan. As for Jonathan, well, he could either come with us, or Mother could look after him, like she did when I was in Iowa. I mean, that was supposed to be for a year, even though it ended up just being a couple months.

TONY: (his accent starting to come back) Are you sayin' you want me to take this job?

ANGELA: I'm saying I want you to consider it. After all, I don't want you to have any regrets.

TONY: Now where have I heard that before?

ANGELA: Tony, it's not the same thing. With Iowa, I was leaving everything behind, for a completely unfamiliar subculture, far from Manhattan and Fairfield. Even if we move to Brooklyn, I'll still be close to the world I know.

TONY: I don't know about this, Angela. I mean, I love Brooklyn. I'll always love Brooklyn. But I love my life here. And I'm not the same Tony Micelli who went to that high school twenty-five years ago. I'm not even the same Tony Micelli as five years ago, before college and everythin'.

ANGELA: I know. But maybe it would be good for those kids to see that there's a life after Brooklyn.

TONY: So you're sayin' there's somethin' wrong with Brooklyn?

ANGELA: No, of course not.

TONY: (reverting to Connecticut-Tony) No, I know what you mean. I'm the one who wanted a better life for Sam. Of course, I didn't know that would mean getting married at 19 to a puppeteer. But she could've stayed in Brooklyn and married someone like Al, so I guess it's an improvement.

ANGELA: You like Hank. And Al.

TONY: Yeah, yeah, I do. But no one would ever be good enough for my little girl. (He scoots down the bed and talks to her stomach.) You hear that? Twenty years from now, one or both of you brings home some guy, I'm probably not gonna like him. (Angela laughs. Then Tony pushes up her nightie and puts his ear to her stomach.) How are they doing in there?  
ANGELA: They're all right. They seem happy.

TONY: They should be. I've only been in the foyer, but it seems like a nice place.

ANGELA: (blushing) Tony!

TONY: Well, you know, I helped them move in.

ANGELA: And I'm giving them womb and board. (He groans at her pun, then kisses and caresses her stomach.) Tony?

TONY: Yeah, Sweet Cheeks?  
ANGELA: I'm in the mood.

TONY: (grinning) So am I.

Scene III: The kitchen, brunchtime on New Year's Day

(Angela, Tony, and Jonathan are finishing eating.)

TONY: So, uh, Jonathan, nice party last night, huh?  
JONATHAN: It was OK. I mean, the food was good of course. But I sort of wish I'd brought a date.

TONY: You know, there are other girls besides Heather and Jenny. Next time, don't pick ones that are best friends.

JONATHAN: Yeah, I know.

TONY: Uh, Buddy, can we talk?

ANGELA: Do you want me to stay?  
TONY: Uh, no, it's probably better if it's just me.

ANGELA: (nodding) I understand. (She gets up and strokes Tony's hair.) I'm going to work on the account I brought home.

TONY: OK, Sweetheart, see you in a little while. (She exits.)

JONATHAN: Tony, is this a man-to-man talk?  
TONY: Yeah, you could say that.

JONATHAN: Tony, we had that talk when I was 8, when you explained where babies come from.

TONY: No, I didn't mean—

JONATHAN: And then there was the talk when I was 12, about "changes in my body."

TONY: No, see—

JONATHAN: And then a few months ago, when I turned sixteen, you gave me the lecture about "parking." So I'm guessing we're not due for another talk until whatever you have to cover when I'm 20.

TONY: No, Jonathan this has nothing to do with sex. It has to do with high school.

JONATHAN: Uh, OK.

TONY: No, let me start over. How would you feel if I wasn't your teacher anymore?  
JONATHAN: (eagerly) Really? (trying to hide his enthusiasm) I mean, I'd miss you. Are you quitting?

TONY: Yeah, sort of. There's a vacancy at my old high school, and I'm thinking about it.

JONATHAN: Oh. Brooklyn.

TONY: Yeah, Brooklyn.

JONATHAN: Well, would you move back there? And what about Mom? And me? Would I be going there?

TONY: You could if you want. We haven't worked out any of the details yet. But we thought you should have a say in it.

JONATHAN: You didn't care about my opinion when you went to work at Fairfield High.

TONY: Ay-oh, oh-ay. I cared. But that wasn't as big a change in your life. And it hasn't been that bad having me as a teacher and a coach, has it?

JONATHAN: No, I guess it's OK. Better than I expected.

TONY: Well, good. So would you want me as your teacher in Brooklyn?  
JONATHAN: Gee, Tony, I don't know. I mean, I like Brooklyn. I always have fun when I go there. But I've lived here my whole life. And I'm finally at the point where no one here beats me up. I probably wouldn't last two seconds in Brooklyn.

TONY: OK, first of all, you're a lot tougher than you think. And second of all, Brooklyn is not that violent.

JONATHAN: Yeah? Sam says—

TONY: Yeah, well, Sam exaggerates.

JONATHAN: Tony, she showed up here eight and a half years ago with a black eye!

TONY: That was from stealing second in Little League.

JONATHAN: You said it was third.

TONY: Second, third, what's the difference?

JONATHAN: Come on, Tony, Mom might've bought that, but I was a little kid and I saw right through it.

TONY: Well, you always were bright.

JONATHAN: Thank you. And, no offense, Tony, but how's it going to look on my college applications if I graduate from a school in Brooklyn?

TONY: (indignantly getting to his feet) You little snob!

JONATHAN: I'm not snobbish. I'm realistic. You know even Ridgemont wouldn't have accepted Sam if she'd stayed in Brooklyn.  
TONY: Even Ridgemont?  
JONATHAN: Come on, Tony, it's not exactly the Ivy League. And I want to get into a really good college next Fall.

TONY: I don't believe this! You know what? You can stay here in Fairfield! I'm going to Brooklyn where I'll be appreciated! (He storms out through the swinging door. Jonathan shakes his head.)

Scene IV: The living room, a moment later

(Angela has layouts in front of her on the coffee table. Tony enters from the kitchen.)

ANGELA: Is everything all right? I thought I heard yelling.

TONY: Yeah, there was yelling. That kid of yours! (He mutters in Italian.)

ANGELA: Hold on, since when is Jonathan just mine? What happened to him being like a son to you?  
TONY: No son of mine would insult Brooklyn like that!

ANGELA: But Jonathan loves Brooklyn.

TONY: Yeah, as a place to go slumming. But he thinks he's too good to go to my high school.

ANGELA: Did he say that?  
TONY: Yeah, in so many words.

ANGELA: Would you like me to talk to him?  
TONY: No, if he doesn't want to move to Brooklyn with us, then he doesn't have to.

ANGELA: Um, us? I thought we hadn't decided about moving to Brooklyn. Or even New York.  
TONY: So you don't want to go either?

ANGELA: Tony, I just mean—

TONY: Forget it. I'm going for a drive. (He grabs his coat and heads towards the front door.)

ANGELA: Tony, wait! (He slams the door on his way out. Jonathan enters from the kitchen.) Jonathan, what did you say to upset him?

JONATHAN: Nothing. Just that going to his old high school wouldn't get me into the Ivy League.

ANGELA: (shaking her head) Jonathan.

JONATHAN: Well, it wouldn't!

ANGELA: I know, but Tony is a very proud man, and you hurt him.

JONATHAN: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.

ANGELA: Well, you'll need to apologize to him when he gets back.

JONATHAN: Where did he go?  
ANGELA: He didn't say, but I have a hunch.

JONATHAN: The old neighborhood? (She nods. Cut to commercial)

Scene V: A nice but simple two-bedroom apartment in Brooklyn, early afternoon

(Gabe and Julie Kotter, now in their 40s, are sitting on their couch.)

GABE: Julie, did I ever tell you about the time my Uncle Alvin decided to quit smoking as a New Year's resolution?  
JULIE: No, Gabe, I don't think you ever did. (The phone rings.) Oh, darn. (She gets up to answer it, but a teenaged girl played by Mayim Bialik beats her to it.)

GIRL: (picking up the phone) Hello? Oh, yeah, he's here. (She brings the phone over to Gabe.) It's for you, Dad.  
GABE: Thanks, Robin.

GIRL #2: (offscreen) I told you it wasn't for you.

ROBIN: Shut up, Rachel!

JULIE: Girls, your father's on the phone!

R &amp; R: Sorry!

GABE: I'm sorry, Melva, could you say that again? (pause) Yeah? Did he seem interested? (another pause) Oh, I see. Well, it's still more promising than anyone so far. Yeah, thanks for letting me know.

JULIE: Hi, Melva!

GABE: Julie says hi. (pause) Yeah, Robin's here. (handing the phone back to his daughter) Melva's son Tyler wants to talk to you.

ROBIN: Oo, he's a senior! (She grabs the phone and heads to her bedroom.) Hi, Tyler! (offscreen) Rachel, get out!

RACHEL: It's my room, too!

JULIE: Girls, stop fighting! (to Gabe) What did Melva want?

GABE: She said she met a guy at a party last night.

JULIE: Aw, that's wonderful! I worried about her after her husband died.

GABE: No, this guy is married.  
JULIE: Oh, no!

GABE: No, Julie, she was talking to his wife and—

ROBIN: If you don't get out right now, I'll tell Mom and Dad about you know what!

RACHEL: You're bluffing.

ROBIN: Yeah, try me!

RACHEL: OK, I'm leaving but only because you stink. (more loudly) Don't get too close to her, Tyler! She's toxic!

ROBIN: I hate you, Rachel!

JULIE: Girls! Go on, Gabe. Are they getting divorced?  
GABE: Who?

JULIE: The guy that Melva likes and his wife.

GABE: No, no, Melva isn't interested in him like that. She wants him, but as a History teacher.

JULIE: Oh, wonderful! With Mrs. Harrison going on maternity leave, you're going to need someone right away.

GABE: Well, there's nothing definite yet, but the wife said she'd talk to the husband about it.

JULIE: I hope he's ready for Brooklyn. I mean, Mrs. Harrison grew up in Brooklyn Heights, and even she got culture shock.

GABE: Well, actually he grew up right in that neighborhood. Pitkin Avenue.

JULIE: Perfect! And what kind of teaching experience does he have?

GABE: Well, he's taught in Iowa and Connecticut but— (He looks towards the twins' bedroom.)

JULIE: What?

GABE: The girls are suspiciously quiet.

JULIE: Well, if they'd killed each other, we probably would've heard something. (The doorbell rings. Gabe starts to get to his feet, but Rachel, played by Sara Gilbert, emerges from the twins' room and heads to the door.)  
RACHEL: I'll get it. (Gabe sits back down. Rachel opens the door to Tony.) Yeah, what do you want?  
JULIE: Rachel!

TONY: Uh, excuse me, I'm looking for Gabe Kotter.

RACHEL: That's him. The guy with the 'fro and the 'stache.

TONY: Uh, thanks.

GABE: And that's my charming daughter Rachel. (She rolls her eyes.) My wife Julie. (He points. Julie waves.) And my other charming daughter is on the phone, as usual.

TONY: Nice to meet you all. I'm Tony Micelli.

GABE: (getting to his feet) Not the Tony Micelli who knows Melva Allen?

TONY: Yeah, that's me.

GABE: (shaking his hand) Good to meet you. So you're here about the job?  
TONY: Well, you know, it's a holiday, so nobody's at the school—I hope you don't mind me bothering you at home.

RACHEL: It's OK, they have no lives.

JULIE: Rachel, go to your room.

RACHEL: Robin kicked me out.

GABE: Then go down to the pool hall! Or the tattoo parlor.

RACHEL: (grabbing her coat) If you say so. (She exits out the front door, slamming it behind her.)

TONY: Cute kid.

GABE: Fifteen is a great age.

TONY: Yeah, I know. I've got a sixteen-year-old myself. Well, he's my stepson, but yeah.

JULIE: So your wife is ready to move to Brooklyn?  
TONY: Well, there are still some details to work out. But I wanted to find out more about the job and—

JULIE: The reason why I ask is that I grew up in Nebraska and so if she's from Iowa—

TONY: No, she's from Connecticut.

JULIE: Oh, well, still. There's going to be culture shock. You see, when Gabe and I were newlyweds, he got a job teaching at his alma mater, Buchanan High School.

TONY: (to Gabe) Yeah? You guys used to cream us in basketball. But then my baseball team whipped yours.

GABE: (gesturing for Tony to sit down) What year did you graduate?

TONY: (as they both sit) '70. You?

GABE: '65. So we never played against each other.

TONY: Yeah. So how'd you go from Buchanan to Pitkin Avenue?

GABE: Well, I was a History teacher, too. And then I became vice-principal when the old vice-principal got kicked upstairs. But we never got along. And when Pitkin needed a principal, I applied and got it. And by then, all the Sweathogs—

TONY: The Sweat whats?

JULIE: Sweathogs. It's like this weird cult.

TONY: Oh.

GABE: Julie. They were a bunch of underachievers. I used to be one of them. But that helped me relate to them, and encourage them.

TONY: (eagerly) Yeah, see, that's why I'm tempted to take this job! I wasn't a Sweaty Pig—

GABE: Sweathog.

TONY: Yeah, sorry, but I got into a little trouble. Nothing big, but you know, stealing street signs, stuff like that.

GABE: My students stole a bus once.

JULIE: What was it Epstein said?  
GABE: "Hey, Mr. Kotter, it wasn't loaded." (Tony laughs.) I like this guy, he's got a good sense of humor.

JULIE: The History teacher now, she's very nice, but she grew up in Brooklyn Heights, which, you know, is posher.

TONY: Yeah. That's how it is in Connecticut. I mean, don't get me wrong. I moved there so my daughter—she's 20 now—could have a better life. But teaching there— (He shakes his head.) The kids are a little spoiled and out of touch with reality.

GABE: (nodding) I worry about our daughters being a little spoiled and out of touch with reality.

JULIE: Gabe, we've had this discussion before. There was no way we were going to bring them up in that neighborhood. (to Tony) We had a studio apartment and the Sweathogs were constantly climbing in our window!

TONY: Yeah, that sounds like a little too much reality.

GABE: So, Mr. Micelli—

TONY: Tony.

GABE: Tony, as far as I'm concerned, you've got the job. The school board will want references and transcripts and all that, but you seem like you'd be perfect.

TONY: Well, thanks, Mr. Kotter—

GABE: Gabe.

TONY: Gabe. I mean, I still need to talk it over with my family some more, but yeah, I am really tempted.

GABE: Look, why don't we head over to the campus, and you can take a look around. If nothing else, it'll be a nice trip down memory lane.

TONY: I'd like that. Thanks, Gabe. And maybe I can call my— (The doorbell rings. Gabe stands up, but Robin returns.)  
ROBIN: (going towards the door) I'll get it. Tyler said he's coming over. (Gabe sits back down. Robin opens the door to a pregnant forty-something woman, played by Patty Duke.) Oh, hi, Mrs. Harrison. Um, if this is about my report on the Constitution—

MRS. H: (holding up her hands) Robin, you're not my problem anymore. (coming into the room) Gabe, I've found you a replacement. (Gabe glances at Tony and then looks at Mrs. Harrison again.)  
GABE: Oh, you have. That's great, Patty. Who is it?

MRS. H: I'd like you to meet my cousin, Cathy Lane. She's a History teacher, too! (Through the magic of split-screen, another forty-something woman, not pregnant but also played by Patty Duke, enters.)

MISS LANE: (with a vaguely Scottish accent) Hello, lovely to meet you all.

TONY: Oh, she's gonna blend in real well. (Gabe and Julie nod. Cut to commercial.)

Scene VI: Back in the Bower-Micelli living room, later that afternoon

(Tony and Angela are sitting on their couch. He's nearing the end of his story.)

TONY: …So she seemed like a nice lady and she doesn't have any husband or kids to uproot, so I figured it wouldn't be right to fight her for the job.

ANGELA: Tony, I still feel like we could've worked things out.

TONY: Well, look, Angela. I'm not saying I wouldn't have wanted the job if it came along in another couple years. But Sam's still at Ridgemont, and Jonathan has a right to finish up at Fairfield. And then with the babies coming—Do you still want me to call Hank's father about the nursery?

ANGELA: Uh, I already did.

TONY: What? How did you know we wouldn't be moving to Brooklyn?  
ANGELA: I know you. You have a temper and sometimes you do things on the spur of the moment. But you love this house, and every time you try to leave, you always come home.

TONY: (with raised eyebrows) Yeah? There must be some powerful attraction here.

ANGELA: Well, it is a lovely house.

TONY: Yeah, very well built. With character and charm.

ANGELA: That's why you always bought flowers for it when you were keeping it.

TONY: Yeah, that's why. (They give each other The Look.) I especially love the foyer.

ANGELA: (blushing) Tony! (They look like they're about to kiss, or more, but then Jonathan enters from the kitchen.)

JONATHAN: Oh, you're back.

ANGELA: (scolding) Jonathan.  
JONATHAN: I'm sorry, Mom, but I thought it over and, yeah, OK, I was rude about it. But I was just saying what I felt and Tony did want my opinion.

TONY: Hey, you know what? It's OK. I shouldn't have flown off the handle like that.

JONATHAN: So where did you go? Was it Brooklyn?  
TONY: Yeah. But I figured I should spend New Year's Day at home. With my family.

JONATHAN: Well, welcome back, Mr. Micelli. (He and Tony smile at each other, and Angela looks on and smiles, too. The end credits roll.)


	11. Sowing the Seeds of Love

_TV Guide_ capsule for Saturday, Jan. 16, 1993:

**9 PM Who's the Boss?—Comedy**

Angela's new client is a sperm bank, with a charming president.

Scene I: The Micelli-Bower kitchen, dinnertime

(Tony, Angela, Mona, Jonathan, and Bonnie are finishing eating.)

TONY: Another great meal, Bonnie.

BONNIE: (smiling) Well, I learned from the best.

ANGELA: It was very good. Do you think you're up to the challenge of cooking for a client dinner?

BONNIE: A client dinner?

TONY: Ay-oh, oh-ay, you don't want me cooking for your new client? I always cook for your clients!

ANGELA: Tony, you did when you were the housekeeper. Now you're so busy and—

TONY: Yeah, but I'm your husband and I want to show my support.

ANGELA: Well, if it's not any trouble.

TONY: No trouble. And Bonnie can help me, right?  
BONNIE: Of course.

JONATHAN: So who is this new client, Mom?

ANGELA: Well, um, it's—

MONA: Tell them, Dear.

ANGELA: (blushing) Well, the company provides a necessary service to women.

JONATHAN: Like diaper delivery?

ANGELA: No, but you're in the general area.

MONA: It's for women who want what goes into the diapers.

JONATHAN: Huh?

BONNIE: Is it a matchmaking service for women who want to get married and have babies?

MONA: Well, you got part of it right.

TONY: Angela, just tell us. Who's this client?

ANGELA: The New England Cryogenics Laboratory.

JONATHAN: Cryogenics? Isn't that where they freeze dead people like Walt Disney?

ANGELA: (hesitantly) Uh, yes, sometimes.

MONA: But this lab just freezes what makes little Walt Disneys. (Tony, Jonathan, and Bonnie look at her, then at Angela.)

JONATHAN: Mom, is this a sperm bank?  
ANGELA: Well, yes.

TONY: Your new client is a, I mean, holy cow!

ANGELA: Yes. (Mona laughs.) Mother, it's not funny!

MONA: No, but your embarrassment is.

ANGELA: I don't know if I want you at this dinner.

MONA: (to the others) She's been afraid to have me even meet the client because she thinks I'm going to say something to embarrass her even more.

JONATHAN: You, Grandma?

MONA: I know. I'm so refined and genteel. (She burps.) Excuse me.

TONY: I'm sure Mona can behave herself if she tries. Now what am I gonna serve the client?

BONNIE: (giggling) Baby carrots?

JONATHAN: Seedless grapes?

MONA: Coddled eggs?

TONY: (unable to resist joining in) A protein shake? (They all laugh. Angela throws her napkin down and storms out through the swinging door.) I'd better go talk to her. She's pretty shaken up. (Then they all start laughing again. Roll opening credits.)

Scene II: The Micelli-Bower living room, the night of the client dinner

(Bonnie is dusting as Angela descends the stairs in an elegant pink maternity gown.)

BONNIE: Wow, Angela, you look great!

ANGELA: Thank you, Bonnie. You look nice, too.

BONNIE: Should I dress up more? I don't know what to wear as a maid at a formal dinner. And am I eating at the table? Or should I just go home? I asked Tony, but his situation was different, and I don't look good in a bow-tie. My neck is too long.

ANGELA: Bonnie, it'll be fine. You can stay for dinner if you want, as a guest. And what you're wearing is perfectly all right. I just have to dress up because it's my agency.

BONNIE: I see. You know, you actually make pregnancy look stylish.

ANGELA: Thank you. That's what I was going for.

BONNIE: Do you think being pregnant helped you get the account?

ANGELA: Bonnie, I got the account because I'm good at my job.

BONNIE: Oh, I didn't mean it as an insult. I just thought maybe it would've given you an edge.

ANGELA: Well, it might've, but my pregnancy is a little, well, less planned than the ones Mr. Johnson, um, orchestrates.

BONNIE: (trying not to laugh) Mr. Johnson?

ANGELA: Yes, Dick Johnson.

BONNIE: (trying really hard not to laugh) Oh.

ANGELA: Bonnie, maybe it would be better if you did go home.

BONNIE: OK. (She exits to the kitchen. We hear her laugh offscreen, and then Tony joins in. Angela shakes her head, like she's the only grown-up here. Then Tony enters from the kitchen, looking dapper in a compromise between bartender and loyal-husband.)  
TONY: Uh, dinner is gonna be ready in about an hour. What time is your client com—arriving?

ANGELA: Any minute.

TONY: Is he punctual? Or does he take his time?

ANGELA: Tony!

TONY: (mock innocently) What?

ANGELA: I'm sorry. It's just, never mind. So what are you making?  
TONY: Well, I just put a surprise in the oven.

ANGELA: Tony! (He chuckles.)

TONY: I'm sorry. It's meatloaf. That's not too suggestive, is it?  
ANGELA: Not considering what you could've chosen.

TONY: Yeah, I ruled out the whole sausage family right off. Of course, I am making gravy. (She shakes her head. Mona enters from the back door, wearing a demure baby blue dress with a lace collar.) Mona, is that you?

MONA: You like? Angela? Will it be refined and genteel enough for your Mr. Johnson? (Tony coughs to hide a laugh.)

ANGELA: Mother, you look lovely, very nice. I appreciate you making an effort. (looking around) Where's Jonathan?

TONY: He's eating over at Sam's tonight, since he couldn't promise not to make sophomoric remarks, even though he's senior.

ANGELA: Can I ask the same of you two?  
TONY: What, you kiddin' me?

MONA: Scout's honor.

TONY: Me, too.

ANGELA: Tony, you were never a Boy Scout, were you? And, Mother, I know you were never a Girl Scout.

MONA: No, I preferred to give my cookies away.

ANGELA: Mother! (The doorbell rings.) That's him!

MONA: Funny, I would've expected him to knock.

ANGELA: (to herself) Why didn't I just take him out to dinner?  
TONY: Baby, it'll be fine. We'll sober up the minute my hand's on the knob— (He and Mona break up.)

ANGELA: I'll get it. (She takes a deep breath and tries to collect herself.)

MONA: It's better if you relax, Dear. (Angela glares at her, then goes to the door. She opens it to Dick Johnson, a handsome man in his late 50s, played by Bill Bixby.)

DICK JOHNSON: Hi, I'm not too early, am I? (Angela almost laughs.)  
ANGELA: No, not at all. Please come in.

DICK J: (as he does so) Thank you. Why, what a lovely home!

ANGELA: Thank you. Mr. Johnson—

DICK J: Please, call me Dick.

ANGELA: Of course. (as she leads him into the living room) Dick (she has to stifle a laugh), this is my husband, Tony Micelli, and my mother and secretary, Mona Robinson.

DICK: (shaking Tony's hand) Ah, the man behind the woman.

TONY: Well, yeah, sometimes. (Angela blushes.)

DICK: (taking Mona's hand) And this is the woman behind that beautiful phone voice.

MONA: Moi?

DICK: That's the voice. (still holding her hand) I'm glad to see that you live up to your voice.

MONA: Dick, you flatter me.

DICK: You don't mind, do you?

MONA: No, I eat this stuff up with a spoon. (Angela has a coughing fit.)  
ANGELA: Um, excuse me.

TONY: (aside to her) Kinda hard to swallow, huh? (She glares at him.)

MONA: Go on, Dick.

DICK: Well, I like your dress. It matches your beautiful eyes.

MONA: Good thing I didn't wear plaid. (They both laugh.)

TONY: Uh, how about we listen to some music while we're waiting for dinner?

ANGELA: Good idea. (quietly) The less conversation the better. (Tony goes over to the stereo.)

TONY: Let's see, what have we got here? (holding it up) Oh, Jonathan made us a mix tape.

ANGELA: How sweet of him.

TONY: (looking at the tape more closely) Uh, you know, it's not really the right kind of music.

ANGELA: (to Dick) Jonathan is my teenage son.

DICK: Oh, so you have other children?

TONY: Yeah, the twins will be our third and fourth.

DICK: Nice. I like big families.

TONY: Yeah, me, too. But you know, I'm Italian.

MONA: What's on the tape, Tony?

TONY: Oh, you know, just some rock.

DICK: I like to rock &amp; roll.

MONA: Me, too.

ANGELA: (taking the tape from Tony and reading the names off completely innocently) Let's see, we have 10CC, Steely Dan, Joe Cocker, Tower of Power, Pearl Jam, Cream, Bananarama, Lovin Spoonful— (The light finally dawns.)

TONY: Uh, Angela, can you help me with the _hors-d'oeuvres?_

MONA: Yeah, I'm starved now.

DICK: I'm hungry, too. (Angela sees that they're still holding hands. But Tony gestures with his head that he and Angela need to go in the kitchen, so she reluctantly follows him through the swinging door.)

MONA: So, Dick, would you like to go for a little stroll while we're waiting for dinner?  
DICK: That depends. Is your place within strolling distance?  
MONA: As a matter of fact, it is. (They smile at each other and then she leads him by the hand out the back door.)

Scene III: The kitchen, a moment later

(Tony is pointing at the mix tape and Angela is looking over his shoulder.)

TONY: …And as for "Pearl Jam"—

ANGELA: No, Tony, I get the idea. Oh, what an embarrassing evening this is turning out to be!

TONY: Ay, it's not so bad. Dick seems like a nice guy. And he's really falling for Mona in a big way.

ANGELA: Yes, but she knows she's not supposed to date my clients!

TONY: Angela, it's just a little harmless flirtation. Nobody said anything about dating.

ANGELA: (pacing restlessly) I know, and I know I take things too seriously. But this is a really big account.

TONY: Yeah, it's huge. Massive.

ANGELA: Tony! (She lets out a giggle.) OK, I will try to relax and not worry about people saying the wrong things or doing the wrong— (She stops, something having caught her eye through the kitchen window.)

TONY: Wrong things?

ANGELA: Tony, why is Dick Johnson following Mother upstairs to her apartment?

TONY: Well, you know, it's still awhile till dinner, and they're probably just killing time.

ANGELA: I'll kill her!

TONY: Angela, come on. They could just be talking.

ANGELA: (sarcastically) Oh, of course.

TONY: And even if they're not—

ANGELA: What?

TONY: Even if they're not, they are mature, consenting adults. And it's not like he's gonna get her pregnant.

ANGELA: Thank you, Tony, that's very comforting.

TONY: Hey, come on, I'm the one who has to worry about my meatloaf shriveling up. (She can't help it, she starts laughing. He joins her and they hug and then kiss. Cut to commercial.)

Scene IV: The kitchen, the next morning

(Tony is making breakfast and Angela is lecturing Jonathan.)

ANGELA: …And while that may've seemed funny to you, Young Man—

JONATHAN: Mom, it wasn't just me.

ANGELA: What?

JONATHAN: Well, not to name any names, but I had some help thinking of the bands.

ANGELA: Oh, like Hank and Al?  
JONATHAN: Well, yeah.

ANGELA: Of all the overgrown adolescent male behav—

JONATHAN: But Sam came up with most of them.

ANGELA: (to Tony) You must be so proud.

TONY: Well, I did think Bananarama was creative. But, yeah, Jonathan, not appropriate in front of a client.

JONATHAN: How were we supposed to know Mom would be stupid enough to read them out loud?  
TONY: Ay, your mother is not stupid!

ANGELA: (dignified) Thank you, Tony.  
TONY: She's just really incredibly naïve sometimes.

ANGELA: (more uncertainly) Thank you, Tony.

TONY: (leaning over and kissing her cheek) It's part of your charm, Sweetheart.

JONATHAN: Anyway, from the romantic music coming from Grandma's apartment when I got home, I don't think I'm the one you need to worry about most.

ANGELA: Her lecture's next. (glancing at her watch) If she ever gets here.

TONY: Yeah, you guys are gonna miss your train if she doesn't show up soon. (Mona enters the back door, as airy and cheerful as Jessica Tate.)

MONA: Good morning, Dear Family. Isn't this a wonderful morning?

TONY: You're pretty happy for someone who hasn't had breakfast yet.

MONA: Oh, I already ate. Dick brought me breakfast in bed.

ANGELA: He's still here?

MONA: No, he had to rush off. But you'll be seeing him later.

ANGELA: Oh, well, good. I was afraid—

MONA: He's taking me out to lunch.

JONATHAN: Wow, Grandma, this sounds pretty serious. I thought it was a one-night stand at first but—

MONA: (blithely) Oh, it was. (They all look at her.) We're just going to lunch to discuss some slogans I came up with.

TONY: Yeah, like what?

MONA: Not in front of the child.

JONATHAN: Grandma, I'm almost 17.

MONA: I meant your mother. (imitating Angela at her most naïve) "Joe Cocker, Tower of Power"— (Angela storms out.) She's so touchy since you knocked her up, Tony.

TONY: (a little embarrassed) Yeah, well. (to Jonathan) OK, Buddy, we've got to get ready for school. And remember, don't tell your friends about your mom's new client.

JONATHAN: Don't worry, there are so many weird things going on in this family, I wouldn't know where to begin.

TONY: Mona, you need a lift to the train? It's on the way.

MONA: That's OK, Tony. I think I'll walk. (She strolls out.)

TONY: (in disbelief) Mona, walking? When she doesn't have to?

JONATHAN: See, wall-to-wall weirdness. (Tony nods.)

Scene V: Angela's office, later that morning

(Angela is sitting at her desk. Jack is standing there, looking stunned.)

JACK: You put Mona in charge of the new account?

ANGELA: Well, Jack, what I try to do when I delegate is to match each account with the best person for the job.

JACK: Look, I'm not questioning that Mona knows a lot about that, that product. But she doesn't have the experience. I mean from the advertising side. She's just a secretary!

ANGELA: She's not just a secretary and you know it.

JACK: Yes, she's also your mother.

ANGELA: This is not nepotism! Well, OK, no more than my hiring her in the first place. But she's been working here for six and a half years. And she's taken on more responsibility over time. And she's very creative.

JACK: I just don't want to see her blow this account. I mean— (He blushes.)  
ANGELA: I know, Jack, I know. It's difficult to talk about this without feeling like we're harassing each other. But that's why my mother is perfect for the account. She can be tasteless in a tasteful way. And taste is very— (She puts her head in her hands.) I can't do this! I mean—

JACK: No, I know. Look, I'm sorry I brought it up—I mean—You know. Um, I'm going to lunch.

ANGELA: Thank you, Jack. (He exits. Angela sighs and goes back to looking over layouts.)

Scene VI: The outer office, a minute later

(Mona is at her desk. Angela enters with a portfolio.)

MONA: You're letting Jack off early? (Angela seems to be restraining herself.)

ANGELA: Yes. And what about your lunch date? Is he picking you up here?

MONA: Well, of course, Ms. Bower. He's a client.

ANGELA: Uh huh. Mrs. Robinson, when we're next not in the office, I would like to discuss with you what is and what is not appropriate at the office.

MONA: (stretching her legs) Don't worry, I don't walk in these stilettos. They're just for show.

ANGELA: Great.

MONA: In fact, it's time for me to change into flats. And some more lunch-appropriate attire. (She picks up a little overnight bag.) Excuse me. (She exits to the restroom. Angela looks like she's trying not to lose her temper. Then Dick appears in the doorway and knocks on the frame.)

DICK: Hi. Is Mona ready?

ANGELA: Uh, not yet. Can I speak to you privately, Di—Mr. Johnson?  
DICK: Why, sure, Ms. Bower. (He follows her into her office.)

Scene VII: Back in Angela's office

(Both Angela and Dick are standing, she behind her desk.)

ANGELA: Now, I don't want to give you a hard time, but what are you up to? (She realizes the suggestiveness of what she just said and shakes her head.) I am so sorry!

DICK: Ms. Bower—

ANGELA: Angela.  
DICK: Angela, it's OK. I know that my profession amuses and/or embarrasses a lot of people.

ANGELA: It's not that I don't know you do something important, um, Dick. You help couples and single women to have babies. Um, I mean, not you personally—

DICK: Yes. Well, I help the people who help.

ANGELA: Again, I apologize—

DICK: Angela, I'm the one who should apologize. You invited me to your home and I ran off, without explanation, with your mother, leaving you and your husband with a burnt pot roast.

ANGELA: Shriveled meatloaf actually.

DICK: I know I should've waited till after dinner to seduce your mother, but I found her so devastatingly attractive that I had to have her as soon as possible.

ANGELA: This is your apology?  
MONA: (entering the room, dressed in the more conservative style she adopted during "The Fabulous Robinson Sisters") It works for me.

DICK: And that outfit works for me!

MONA: I thought it might.

DICK: I can't wait to hear all your ideas.

MONA: Well, I want to hear what you have to contribute, too.

DICK: We can collaborate.

MONA: Give and take.

ANGELA: Go to lunch!

MONA: You're the boss, Dear. (She exits arm in arm with Dick. Angela shakes her head and then reaches into her desk to take out some of the Opposites Attract food. She stuffs her face.)

Scene VIII: Angela's office, an hour or so later

(Angela is working at her desk. Mona enters with a notepad.)  
MONA: Do you have a few minutes?

ANGELA: Yes, of course. Um, how was lunch?

MONA: Great. Now about the campaign.

ANGELA: Mother, can you close the door?

MONA: (doing so) Of course.

ANGELA: As your daughter and your employer, I think I have the right to know, what the hell is going on with you and Dick Johnson?

MONA: As your mother, I will tell you that he and I spent a fantastic night together, but neither of us is looking for anything more. As your employee, I will tell you that he thinks I have some wonderful ideas but they're not really what he's looking for in his campaign.

ANGELA: Oh, Mother, did you lose us the account?  
MONA: No, let's just say it's frozen. (Angela winces. Mona hands over her notepad.) Here are my notes. You can see if there's anything you can work with. Or you can assign it to someone else. Maybe Jack? He's got a big staff.

ANGELA: (shaking her head) Mother.

MONA: Angela, why are you so uncomfortable about sperm?

ANGELA: I'm not uncomfortable. I just think some things are private and should be treated with respect.

MONA: Angela, I respect what Dick does. But that doesn't mean I don't know it's funny. And he was very amused by my ideas, but he is looking for something more serious. We agreed that you, as a pregnant woman, even one who had absolutely no trouble getting pregnant—if we ignore the eight years of you and Tony dancing around each other before you finally intentionally went to bed together—

ANGELA: Never mind that.

MONA: Dick and I believe that although you're more fertile than expected, and of course married to a very virile Italian, you probably will have empathy with women who are not able to get sperm through, well, ordinary channels.

ANGELA: Uh huh.

MONA: I mean, think about it, Angela. You were single and mostly celibate after Michael left. What if you had wanted another baby? Who would you have asked? Geoffrey with a G? No, you would've gone to a sperm bank.

ANGELA: (quietly) Actually, I probably would've asked Tony.

MONA: (with raised eyebrows) Really?

ANGELA: With artificial insemination I mean. But I don't think I'd have wanted an anonymous donor.

MONA: Well, some women, especially married women, aren't looking for a connection with their baby's biological father.

ANGELA: No, I understand that. It wouldn't be right for me, but I can respect it for other women.

MONA: Then why can't you respect that I just wanted a one-night stand with Dick?

ANGELA: Because, Mother, I haven't seen you light up like this about anyone since Max. And Dick is obviously crazy about you.

MONA: Max was special. He wasn't your father, but I did care for him. He just wanted something more serious than I wanted.

ANGELA: Mother, I'm not asking you to marry Dick. I just think you're both cheating yourselves out of the possibility of something more by limiting it right from the start.

MONA: Angela, I'm not like Tony, thinking a one-night stand has to lead to a relationship. (Angela looks like she's just been slapped. Mona is instantly contrite.) Dear, I am so sorry!

ANGELA: (trying not to cry) I told you, I don't ever want to discuss that night again.

MONA: Angela, it's been two and a half years. You and Tony are blissfully married and you're going to have twins. Kathleen means nothing to Tony, and she never meant much to begin with.

ANGELA: (turning cold and business-like) Thank you for your notes, Mrs. Robinson. I'll look them over and see what I can make of them. If Mr. Johnson calls, please let him know I'll have an update tomorrow morning. (Mona looks like she wants to hug and comfort her baby girl, but she then nods and resumes a professional manner.)

MONA: Yes, of course. (Mona exits, closing the door behind her. Angela sniffles and wipes her eyes. Then she starts looking over the notes. Cut to commercial.)

Scene IX: The living room, that evening, after dinner

(Angela is working on the campaign. Tony enters from the kitchen.)  
TONY: (coming over) How's it going?  
ANGELA: Well, these are Mother's notes. (He sits down and takes the notepad from her.)

TONY: (reading out loud) _"More fun than __giving blood." "__Get paid for what you'd do for free anyway." "Give a piece of yourself to the world."_

ANGELA: That page is for donor recruitment.

TONY: Yeah, I kinda figured. (He flips to the next page, but the doorbell rings.) I'll get it. (He goes to the door and opens it to Dick, who's got a bouquet of expensive-looking flowers.) Aw, for me? You shouldn't have!

DICK: Well, actually—

TONY: I'll run these over to Mona's. (He takes the bouquet and exits out the front door.)  
DICK: Actually, those were for you, Angela.

ANGELA: (surprised) For me?

DICK: As a further apology. May I come in?

ANGELA: Yes, of course. (He sits down in the chair by the couch, on the left side of the screen.)

DICK: I see you're working on the campaign.

ANGELA: Yes, I still need to polish it and present it to my Art Department, but here's what I have so far. (She hands over a layout.)  
DICK: This is great! This is exactly what I was looking for!

ANGELA: Thank you.

DICK: And thank you for being patient with me, and Mona. She told me what you said and you're right. We were limiting our options.

ANGELA: Really?

DICK: Yes, why should we just have a one-night stand, when we could have a fling?

ANGELA: (uncertainly) Glad I could help. (Tony returns.)  
TONY: (sitting next to Angela) Mona will be here in a minute. She's just changing.

DICK: I hope not too much. I like her just the way she is.

TONY: (grinning) Yeah? That's great!

DICK: You know, you've got a pretty smart wife.

TONY: (proudly) Yeah, I know.

DICK: Has he seen the layout yet?

ANGELA: No, not yet. (Dick hands it over. Tony looks at it.) It's not too sentimental, is it?

TONY: (his eyes tearing up) No, this is perfect. I love that you're focusing on how much people can want their baby, when they thought they could never have one.

ANGELA: I was thinking of us.

TONY: (looking at her stomach) Us?  
ANGELA: Before I mean. I used to think I should've told you I was in love with you as soon as I realized it. I was still in my thirties then. But as time went on, I started to think that even if we ever got together, I'd be too old to have children with you. But then we got our surprise, I mean surprises.

TONY: (moved) Yeah. We're really lucky after all. And Dick can help other couples get lucky—I mean. (He blushes a little.)

DICK: It's OK, Tony. I understand. (Mona enters in a stunning low-cut red dress. Dick rises to his feet.) Wow! I like the demure Mona Robinson, I like the professional Mona Robinson, but this Mona Robinson, wow!

TONY: (quietly to Angela) Those Robinson women are pretty fabulous. (She blushes.)

MONA: Well, I like all the sides of Dick Johnson.

DICK: Aw, Mona, you're going to give me a swelled head.

MONA: I hope so. (They gaze at each other, their own version of The Look, as Angela and Tony look on in that fond way they have when other couples connect. Jonathan enters from the still open front door, looks at the adults, shakes his head, and goes upstairs without saying anything. No one notices.)  
DICK: Well, we'd better be going. We've got dinner reservations.

MONA: (going to him and taking his arm) Good. I wouldn't want to have to wait a long time for a table.

ANGELA: Goodnight, Mother. Goodnight, Dick. (They wave but keep looking at each other as they exit silently.)

TONY: How did you convince them to keep dating?

ANGELA: Well, Tony, I'm a top-notch advertising executive. I can be very persuasive.

TONY: (with raised eyebrows) You're tellin' me! (Their own Look. Roll credits.)


	12. Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?

_TV Guide_ capsule for Saturday, Jan. 23, 1993:

**9 PM Who's the Boss?—Comedy**

Mona's fling is turning into something more, surprising everyone, including her. Meanwhile, a certain manuscript resurfaces unexpectedly.

Scene I: The Micelli-Bower living room, late evening

(Tony is grading homework, while Angela works on a campaign. She's wearing her current pair of glasses. He looks up and smiles at her.)

TONY: This is nice, isn't it? You, me, working at home, together.  
ANGELA: (looking at him) Well, it would be nicer if we could just sit together and not have to take work home, but that's not going to happen with our professions, is it?

TONY: Well, no, but I remember when it was just you sitting with paperwork in front of you. And I'd be working, but it'd be dusting or vacuuming or something like that. This is better.

ANGELA: Oh, I don't know, it was kind of sexy seeing you lift furniture with your bare hands.  
TONY: I would've rather have lifted you with my bare hands.

ANGELA: (mixture of flattered and embarrassed) Tony!

TONY: You looked so cute with your big glasses.

ANGELA: (shaking her head) Yes, they matched my big hair and my big shoulder pads. Thank God the '80s are over and fashion has gone back to normal! (Mona enters through the back door, wearing a NIN belly-shirt, a red &amp; black plaid skort, tangerine-colored tights, Doc Martens, and crimped hair partly covered by a bandanna.)

TONY: Been raiding Sam's closet again, Mone?

ANGELA: Off to the sock hop, Mother?

MONA: (rolling her eyes) You two deserve each other. (The doorbell rings.) That'll be Richard. He's picking me up here.

ANGELA: Richard?

TONY: What happened to "Dick"?

MONA: We agreed that since you all seem to find his first name so amusing, it might be better to go with the more formal version.  
ANGELA: Hm, that makes it sound like he's going to be around awhile.

MONA: I told you, Dear, it's just a fling.  
ANGELA: Mm hm. And last week it was just a one-night stand. (The doorbell rings again.)

MONA: Do you mind? My date is waiting. (She crosses over to the front door and opens it to Richard "Dick" Johnson, who's wearing Converse All Stars, a red &amp; black plaid flannel shirt, and overalls with one strap hanging down. His graying black hair now has frosted blond tips.)

TONY: (to Angela) It's so nice to see people aging gracefully.

ANGELA: Yes, in that timeless style.

MONA: Ignore them, Richard. They're just jealous that we're more fashion-forward than they are. (Jonathan descends the staircase, carrying a notebook.)

JONATHAN: (not batting an eye) Hi, Grandma. Hi, Mr. Johnson. (He goes over to the nearest chair, sits down, and starts writing.)

RICHARD: Mona, we really need to get going.

MONA: Of course.

ANGELA: I thought raves didn't start till midnight. (Mona rolls her eyes, then takes Richard's arm and they exit without saying goodbye.) Was it something I said?  
JONATHAN: (without looking up) If it was a rave, they'd be wearing glitter.

TONY: Yeah, Angela, everyone knows that.  
ANGELA: Right, sorry. (looking at Jonathan) Sweetheart, do you need some help with your homework?  
JONATHAN: I finished my homework. I'm working on a script for Hank's puppet show.

ANGELA: Oh, I didn't realize you were still helping with that. I thought you cut back with basketball and everything else going on.

JONATHAN: Well, I still pitch in when I can, like when I went back to doing voices over Christmas vacation.

ANGELA: Oh. I'm afraid I haven't watched in awhile.

JONATHAN: That's OK. It's kind of a stupid show.

ANGELA: Jonathan! Or is that "stupid" meaning "cool"?

JONATHAN: No, I mean it's dumb. But deliberately dumb.

TONY: Yeah, all the kids at the high school love it.

ANGELA: I see. Well, maybe I should start watching it again.

JONATHAN: You're not missing much.

TONY: You don't sound very enthusiastic about it.

JONATHAN: (shrugging) It pays better than fast food or any other job a guy my age could get.

ANGELA: What's your script about, Sweetie?  
JONATHAN: (embarrassed) Well, this is just a rough draft.

TONY: Hey, we won't criticize it harshly.

JONATHAN: No, of course not. When would anyone in this family make fun of someone else in the family?

TONY: Come on.

JONATHAN: (reluctantly handing the notebook over) Well, OK.

TONY: Let's see. (He clears his throat and then starts reading aloud the following in italics.)

_TOBY: Come on, let me read it. _[Tony glances at Jonathan who smiles sheepishly.]

_ANGELICA: It's just a rough draft._

_ TOBY: I don't care._

_ ANGELICA: Well, all right. (She hands over a manuscript. Toby clears his throat.)_

_ TOBY: (reading out loud) "He puts his hands around her waist and proceeds to—" What's this for, the Playboy Channel?_

_ANGELICA: You're reading it out of context._

_TOBY: OK, I'll go back to page one. "Montague pulls her roughly toward him, his manly arms enveloping her. He caresses her neck and his hands run through her flaxen hair, while his fingers travel tremblingly down her spine to her—" What's this guy, an octopus?_

ANGELA: (in a shocked whisper) Jonathan!

TONY: You know, there's something real familiar about this. Was it in _The Muppets Take Manhattan _or something?

ANGELA: No, it was in an unpublished manuscript called _Love Slaves of the Suburbs._

TONY: Jonathan, you're plagiarizing your mother's dirty book?

JONATHAN: Oh! I thought it was Grandma's dirty book.

ANGELA: It's not dirty! And what do you mean Grandma's?

JONATHAN: Well, Bonnie found it lying around Grandma's apartment when she was cleaning—

TONY: Hold on, Bonnie was cleaning Mona's apartment? We're not paying her for that.

JONATHAN: Well, Grandma asked her, and you know how nice Bonnie is.

ANGELA: Never mind that part right now. Mother had my manuscript?  
JONATHAN: I guess. I mean, it's in her handwriting, not yours.

ANGELA: Mine was typed!

JONATHAN: Well, I guess she was rewriting it.

TONY: That explains how Montgomery became Montague.

JONATHAN: No, I changed that. You know, like how your character is named Toby.

TONY: Yeah, no one will ever figure that out.

ANGELA: I don't believe this family! Mother plagiarizes me and then you plagiarize her.

JONATHAN: I prefer to think of it cogent satire.

ANGELA: Jonathan, go to your room!

JONATHAN: OK, I can work on the script better up there anyway. Fewer distractions.

ANGELA: You are going to have to come up with an entirely different scenario, Mr. William Goldman.

JONATHAN: Who?

TONY: Jonathan, just go.

JONATHAN: OK, OK. (He heads upstairs.)

ANGELA: (shaking her head) I don't believe this.

TONY: Me neither. I mean, I thought it was physically impossible before, but with puppets? (She just looks at him in disbelief. Roll opening credits.)

Scene II: Angela's office, the next morning

(Angela is sitting at her desk, looking through Jonathan's notebook, and shaking her head. Mona enters.)

MONA: You wanted to see me?  
ANGELA: Yes. Could you close the door behind you?

MONA: Oh, it's one of those conversations again. (But she closes the door.) Look, Dear, yes, I went to a concert with Richard Johnson. And, yes, I'm going to see him again tomorrow night. But it doesn't mean anything.

ANGELA: No, Mother, I didn't want you to talk to you about your love life.

MONA: Thank God.

ANGELA: I want to talk to you about Montgomery and Roxanne's love life.

MONA: Who?

ANGELA: You remember Montgomery and Roxanne. They live in the suburbs.

MONA: Oh, that Montgomery and Roxanne!

ANGELA: Mother, how could you take an original story that I worked on for weeks and just—?

MONA: It wasn't that original. And as I recall you abandoned it when your publisher friend let you off the hook.

ANGELA: Well, I always meant to get back to it.

MONA: Uh huh. And meanwhile years passed. We got two new Presidents. Communism crumbled. Elizabeth Taylor got thin...got fat, got thin, got fat, got thin, got fat...

ANGELA: OK, OK, so I wasn't exactly devoted to it. But that still doesn't give you the right to take it and make it—

MONA: Better.

ANGELA: What makes you think it's better?  
MONA: Get real, Angela. Who knows more about the steamy secrets of suburbia, you or me?

ANGELA: Well, I write for a living!

MONA: Not novels, Dear. While I have a degree in Psychology. I have insights into the twisted workings of the human mind. Clearly I'm the best suited to writing this story.

ANGELA: That's funny, because Jonathan seemed to think he was best suited to it.

MONA: Jonathan?  
ANGELA: Yes, your maid found the manuscript—

MONA: Oh, yes, about Bonnie—

ANGELA: We'll get to that. She found it and handed it over to your grandson, who wanted to satirize it for Hank's puppet show.

MONA: That rotten kid!

Scene III: The Harpers' living room, evening

(Since we last saw the house, Sam et al. have settled in more, and the place looks more like a dormitory. She and Bonnie are doing homework.)

BONNIE: Sam, I really appreciate this.

SAM: Hey, I know how tough Professor Sternin-Crane can be.

BONNIE: It's kind of nice, you being a year ahead of me. It's like having a big sister.

SAM: (amused but touched) Aw! Well, I'll do what I can to help.  
BONNIE: Can I copy your Psych term paper? (Sam looks shocked.) Kidding! (Sam shakes her head. Someone knocks.)

SAM: I'll get it. You keep working on that one Venn diagram. (Bonnie nods. Sam goes to the front door, opening it to Mona, who's dressed more like she usually is.) Hey, Mona! How was the concert?  
MONA: (closing the door behind her) It was fun.

SAM: So it sounds like things are pretty serious with you and Dick.

MONA: It's Richard, and it's not that serious.

SAM: OK, OK, sorry I asked.

MONA: Bonnie, I need to talk to you.

BONNIE: Oh, did you get in trouble for me cleaning your apartment?

MONA: Not exactly.

BONNIE: Do you want me to talk to Tony and Angela about it?  
MONA: No, Bonnie. This isn't related to that. Or not directly. I think you found a personal belonging of mine that I'd just as soon have kept private.

SAM: (shocked) Bonnie! I told you not to go snooping in her drawers.

BONNIE: Oh, this was lying right out on the coffee table.

SAM: (even more shocked) Mona!

BONNIE: I'm sorry, it's just I got curious and I couldn't help reading it—

SAM: Reading it?

BONNIE: _Love Slaves of the Suburbs_. It's really good!

SAM: Oh, a book. Mona is reading a dirty book. Well, I can't say I'm all that surprised.

BONNIE: No, she's writing it! Isn't that cool? And it's not dirty. It's erotic.

SAM: Oh, sorry. So what is it, Mona? Your memoirs?  
MONA: Not exactly.

SAM: Can I read it?  
BONNIE: You'll have to borrow it back from Jonathan.

SAM: Jonathan! Don't you think he's a little young to be reading erotica?

BONNIE: Well, he saw me reading it in the kitchen, and he was curious.

SAM: Angela is gonna kill you if she finds out.

MONA: She found out. But Bonnie isn't the one she wants to kill.

SAM: Oh no! So is she mad at you for writing it, Mona, or Jonathan for reading it?

MONA: No, not exactly. You see— (Al enters from the kitchen, eating an apple.)  
AL: (with his mouth full) 'Zup?

SAM: Girl talk, Al.

AL: Then I'm outa here. Unless it's about hair. And that's just professional curiosity.

SAM: We'll let you know if hair is involved later.

AL: Thanks, Sam. (He goes back in the kitchen.)

MONA: The thing about the book is— (Hank descends the stairs.)

HANK: (looking around) Oh, uh, girl talk, huh? I'll give you some privacy. (He turns around and starts to head back upstairs.)

MONA: Hold it, Buster! (He faces forward again and slowly comes the rest of the way back downstairs.)  
HANK: Hey, Mona, how's it going? So I hear things are getting pretty serious with Dick.

MONA: Will everyone forget about me and Richard?

BONNIE: We're just happy for you, Mona.

AL: (yelling from the kitchen) Yeah, he seems like a cool guy! (Mona shakes her head.)  
MONA: Look, Hank, did you put Jonathan up to plagiarizing me? I mean Angela.

SAM: (shocked) That's Angela's book?

BONNIE: (confused) But it's in your handwriting.

SAM: Our Angela wrote a dirty book? I mean erotica.

AL: (still offscreen, impressed) All right, Mrs. Bower!

SAM: Al, you can hear better from in here.

AL: (reentering the living room) Thanks, Sam.

MONA: Look, Hank, when you made a man-hungry puppet named Rona, with red hair and great cleavage, did I complain?  
HANK: No, you said you were flattered.

MONA: And I was. And unlike some people, I don't mind a little laughter at my own expense.

AL: (indignantly) He made my puppet out to be some kind of moron!

MONA: (deciding to ignore Al) The problem, Hank, is that neither I nor Angela want my grandson, her son, making fun of our novel on cable TV, even if it is local access.

HANK: Look, I didn't ask him to put anything like that in the show. However, it is really funny, so I'd like to keep it.

SAM: Hank!

MONA: Don't think that we won't sue you, just because we're related by marriage. And don't forget that my son-in-law knows people who could break your legs. And then there are the really painful forms of retaliation.

HANK: Mona, are you threatening me?  
MONA: "Threaten" is such an ugly word. I prefer "blackmail."

HANK: Blackmail? You don't have anything on me!

MONA: Oh, don't I? (She exits dramatically.)

HANK: (uncertainly) Does she?

SAM: (quickly) So, Bonnie, about that Venn diagram.

HANK: Sam, did you tell her something about me?

SAM: Oh, gee, Honey, I can't remember.

BONNIE: Oh, is it about that thing with the—? (Sam shoots her a warning look.) Never mind. So, when the circles overlap—

AL: What thing?

SAM: Al, it's a very private, personal matter.

HANK: That you share during girl talk?

AL: Nothing to do with hair, right?

SAM: Al.

AL: Oh, I know, he's going bald!

SAM: No, Al.

HANK: Sam, which thing did you tell her?  
SAM: Honey, not in front of them.

HANK: Bonnie knows!

BONNIE: Yeah, but Sam swore me to secrecy.

AL: A hairy back! No, wait, I've seen him without a shirt. That ain't it. Unless he shaves it. But, no, he'd have bad stubble. My Uncle Carmine used to—

SAM: Al, it's nothing to do with hair.

AL: Oh, I know! Yeah, but that's not that embarrassing.

BONNIE: Well, you wouldn't think so.

HANK: (shouting) What is my big secret? (Sam comes over and whispers in it his ear as he leans down to hear her.) Oh. Um, I better call my cowriter.

Scene IV: The Bower-Micelli kitchen, a few minutes later

(Jonathan is on the phone.)

JONATHAN: (with appropriate pauses) Actually, Hank, Mom just grounded me. No, I don't mind. I don't have much of a social life anyway. Yeah, I'm not even supposed to be using the phone. OK, I'll tell her, thanks. (He hangs up, shakes his head, and starts looking through the fridge. Someone knocks. Jonathan is startled, since usually people don't knock at this door, they just come in.) OK, am I allowed to answer the door? (The person knocks again.) Oh, what the hell, it's not like it'll be added to my punishment. (He opens the door to Richard, who's dressed normally.) Oh, hi, Mr. Johnson. Grandma's not here right now. She went over to Sam's but I don't know where she went after that.

RICHARD: That's OK. I need someone to talk to.

JONATHAN: And you picked me?

RICHARD: Well, I was actually hoping to talk to Tony, but you'll do.

JONATHAN: Uh, thanks.

RICHARD: You see, it's about your grandmother.

JONATHAN: Uh, OK. (The scene starts alternating with the living room, where Angela is working on the same campaign as the night before. Mona enters the front door.)

ANGELA: (distracted by her work) Oh, hello, Mother.

MONA: Angela, I've done a terrible thing.

ANGELA: You actually made a threat to have Tony's more unsavory acquaintances break Hank's legs?

MONA: All right, two terrible things.

ANGELA: Well, I already know about what you did with my story.

MONA: Those were good revisions!

ANGELA: I mean the plagiarizing and leaving it where innocent adolescents could find it.

MONA: OK, three terrible things.

ANGELA: (looking up at her) Sit down. This sounds serious.

MONA: (sitting next to Angela on the couch) Dear, I don't know how to say this but I— (She looks down and mumbles something.)

ANGELA: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.

MONA: (as if it's painful to admit) OK, OK, I'm in love!

ANGELA: With Di—Richard?

MONA: Of course with Richard! Do you think I'm some kind of tramp? (Angela looks like she doesn't know how to answer that. (The scene switches back to the kitchen.)

JONATHAN: I don't know what to say, Mr. Johnson.

RICHARD: Jonathan, under the circumstances, I think you can call me Richard.

JONATHAN: Well, "Richard," what makes you think you're in love with my grandmother?

RICHARD: Well, I haven't felt like this in twenty-five years, since my late wife died. Since then, well, I've dated a lot of women. My son, Eddie, would try and matchmake me when he was little, but I wasn't looking for anything serious. It wasn't easy being a single dad but I managed.

JONATHAN: (nodding) Yeah, it was like that for Tony from what I've heard. Well, except he had a daughter instead of a son.

RICHARD: Right. In a way, I didn't want to fall in love again, because it would be like betraying Helen. But I can't help it, and I know it's only been a week, but I am crazy about your grandmother.

JONATHAN: (feeling out of his depth) Uh huh.

RICHARD: And the worst part is, Mona and I agreed it was just going to be a fling. (Jonathan looks really uneasy. The scene switches back to the living room.)

ANGELA: Mother, I know that ever since Daddy died, you've been just out for fun, and every time it looks like it might really lead to something, like with Max, you break away.

MONA: You've forgotten, Dear. With Max, I let my insecurities almost lead me into a hasty marriage. And then later Max dumped me.

ANGELA: Oh, right.

MONA: Not that I think that's going to happen with Richard. The man is crazy about me after all.

ANGELA: (smiling) Yes. (frowning) But if he was only looking for a fling and now you want something more—

MONA: (nodding) That's why this is so terrible.

ANGELA: Oh, Mother! (She embraces Mona like she hasn't in years, maybe since the episode where Mona went to her college prom. With Angela's pregnancy, she seems particularly maternal. Mona cries a little and Angela strokes her hair and murmurs soothingly.)

TONY: (descending the staircase with his briefcase) Honey-Bunny, I'm ready for another session of us bringing our work home and taking breaks together. (He sees Angela and Mona. He sets his briefcase down in a chair.) Uh, I'll come back later. (He heads towards the kitchen, so we cut back to that room, where Richard and Jonathan are still talking.)  
JONATHAN: Well, I'm not even seventeen yet and I don't have much experience with dating. And even less with "flings"— (Tony enters through the swinging door.)

TONY: (sensing this is an awkward moment) Uh, I can come back later.

RICHARD: No, no, it's fine. Tony, I've made up my mind. I've decided to propose to Mona. (Tony and Jonathan stare at him, Tony particularly.) Or is it too soon?

JONATHAN: Look who he's asking.

TONY: OK, so seven years is a little long to wait.

RICHARD: Especially when you've been living with the woman.

TONY: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But seven days—

RICHARD: Eight.

TONY: Oh, excuse me. That's over a quarter of a month. But, yeah, it's rushing things a little. Especially since, well, you and Mona are just supposed to be, you know—

JONATHAN: Having empty sex? Oh God, I can't believe I just said that out loud!

TONY: Me neither.

RICHARD: I know. And I'm worried she'll dump me for getting so serious.

TONY: Look, I once had— (He glances at Jonathan.)  
JONATHAN: You want me to leave?  
TONY: Yeah, it would help. (Jonathan sighs and goes through the swinging door. The scene changes back to the living room, where Mona is now quietly weeping in Angela's arms.)

JONATHAN: Look, I'm not gonna write that script, OK? There's no need to get upset!

ANGELA: Jonathan Sweetie, could you go get us some Kleenex?  
JONATHAN: Yeah, sure. (Back to the kitchen.)

TONY: Well, actually it was twice. Sort of. See, the first time, there was this girl from my old neighborhood. She grew up to be a gorgeous, successful lawyer. I went to bed with her the first night and I thought, you know, we could go out, maybe get serious down the road if it was going well. But then she proposed to me!

RICHARD: You must've been great in the sack.

TONY: (trying to be modest) Yeah, well. But that's not the point. I wasn't in love with her, and I had to face the fact that I probably would never be in love with her. And later, there was this other girl, when I went back to college, and, well, by that point Angela and I— (Jonathan enters.)  
JONATHAN: Tony, where's the Kleenex?

TONY: Check the downstairs bathroom.

JONATHAN: OK, thanks. (He exits.)

TONY: I had feelings for Angela, but because she was my boss—You know about that, right?

RICHARD: Yes, Mona told me. She also told me she kept trying to matchmake you two.

TONY: Yeah, well. Anyway, I slept with this other woman. Biggest mistake of my life.

RICHARD: She wasn't great in the sack?

TONY: No, she had—That's not the point. I almost ruined what I had with Angela, and then this other poor girl, who I kept dating because I was so confused, she got a little attached to me and her father was expecting us to get married.

RICHARD: So what is the point?  
TONY: The point is, Richard, you've got to be clear with a woman what you want, and what she wants. And if it changes for either of you, you've got to say so, even if you're not always sure what you want and she isn't either.

RICHARD: Tony, that's the most convoluted recommendation for communication I've ever heard.

TONY: OK, let me put it this way— (Jonathan returns.) What?

JONATHAN: I couldn't find them.

TONY: So blow your nose on toilet paper!

JONATHAN: It's not for me. It's for Grandma.

TONY: Mona is sneezing?

JONATHAN: No, she's crying on Mom's shoulder. (Richard leaps to his feet.)

RICHARD: My poor darling! (He races out the swinging door. Tony and Jonathan look at each other, shrug, and then follow him out. The scene switches to the living room one last time. Richard throws himself at Mona's feet, startling Angela.) My precious lamb! Why are you crying?

MONA: (sobbing) Because I'm in love with you!

RICHARD: (starting to cry, too) But I'm in love with you!

MONA: You are?

RICHARD: Yes, and I want to marry you!

MONA: You idiot! (She leans down and embraces him.)

JONATHAN: Wow, this is going to look great with puppets!

ANGELA: (warningly) Jonathan.

JONATHAN: Kidding, Mom. (Tony and Angela look at each other, shake their heads, and then look at Richard and Mona again. Cut to commercial.)

Scene IV: Tony and Angela's bedroom, later that night

(She's working on her account in bed, since she didn't get much accomplished earlier. Tony is offscreen in the bathroom, brushing his teeth. He says something garbled.)  
ANGELA: What? (He spits.)  
TONY: I said, how about that? Your mother is getting married again, after all these years!

ANGELA: I know, I can't believe it. And I am happy for them, but I do think they're rushing it. I mean, not everyone has to take as long as we did, but—

TONY: I know. But at least they agreed to not rush off and elope. They are waiting a couple months, which is more than Sam did.

ANGELA: True. And by April—Oh God!

TONY: (appearing in the doorframe) What?  
ANGELA: Tony, the babies are due in April!

TONY: Oh, that's right. Well, it's gonna make shopping for your matron of honor dress a challenge but—

ANGELA: It's not just that. I wish that she had waited for a less eventful time.

TONY: With this family? That ain't gonna happen.

ANGELA: (shaking her head but laughing) True.

TONY: (getting into bed and snuggling up against her) Mmmm.

ANGELA: What?  
TONY: You were worth the wait.

ANGELA: So were you.

TONY: But you know.

ANGELA: What?  
TONY: Well, let's say I didn't have such high moral standards and I went ahead and slept with my boss.

ANGELA: Yes?

TONY: You know, maybe as a way to distract you from sleeping with your boss.

ANGELA: Oh God, Grant! That was a mistake!

TONY: He wasn't great in the sack?  
ANGELA: No, he had, never mind. I mean that it came back to bite me in the butt later, with Jim Peterson's ugly rumors.

TONY: See? Now if you had been just harmlessly sleeping with your housekeeper, you might still be President of Wallace and McQuade today.

ANGELA: Darn, if I'd only I'd known.

TONY: Live and learn, Angela, live and learn. (They kiss and the scene fades to the closing credits.)


	13. Edge of Seventeen

_TV Guide_ capsule for Saturday, Jan. 30, 1993:

**9 PM Who's the Boss?—Comedy**

Jonathan tries to change his image.

Scene I: The hallowed halls of Fairfield High School, late afternoon

(Posters for the Snow Ball are on the walls. Jenny Wittener is at her locker. Jonathan approaches, checks his breath and under his arms, and then comes closer.)

JENNY: Oh, hi, Jonathan, how's it going?  
JONATHAN: Good, Jenny. Um, I was wondering, would you like to go to the Snow Ball with me?

JENNY: Oh, I'm sorry, I can't.

JONATHAN: If it's because of the whole mess last Fall, where I couldn't make up my mind between you and Heather Harper, well, I'm sorry. But I know now I should've chosen you.

JENNY: Well, I appreciate that. But you do know that the Snow Ball is like Sadie Hawkins, and the girls are supposed to ask the guys, right?

JONATHAN: Oh. No, I didn't know that. Well, can I ask you to ask me?

JENNY: I'm sorry, Jonathan, but I already asked Zack Bueller.

JONATHAN: You asked Bueller?  
JENNY: Yeah, you know I've been tutoring him in History ever since your stepdad asked me to, so he could bring up his grades and get back on the basketball team.

JONATHAN: Right. How's that going?  
JENNY: Really well. Mr. Micelli told him that he should be able to play on Friday, although it'll mean bumping Washington off the team.

JONATHAN: Great. Uh, listen, about Bueller—

JENNY: Well, I really like him and so when this dance came along, I took a chance. And he said yes.

JONATHAN: Jenny, I think you should know, Bueller asked me to help him cheat on a test.

JENNY: But why would he need to since I've been tutoring him?

JONATHAN: This was before.

JENNY: Oh, the poor guy!

JONATHAN: Poor guy?

JENNY: Yes, he's so insecure. Sports are all he has!

JONATHAN: Aren't you listening to me? He's dishonest!

JENNY: If you feel that strongly about it, why didn't you turn him in?

JONATHAN: I'm not a stool pigeon. Besides— (Heather Harper enters.)

JENNY: Hey, Heather, come over here?

HEATHER: Hey, Jenny. Hey, Jonathan. How's it going?

JENNY: Heather, you won't believe what Jonathan just said.

JONATHAN: Uh, Jenny, I don't think it's a good idea to tell—

HEATHER: What?

JENNY: He asked me to the Snow Ball! (Both girls laugh. Jonathan looks humiliated.)

HEATHER: Silly boy, you're supposed to wait for the girl to ask.

JONATHAN: Uh, have you asked anyone, Heather?

HEATHER: I'm still looking around, weighing my options.

JENNY: (rolling her eyes) She's making a list.

HEATHER: And checking it twice. I'm gonna find out who's naughty or nice. Of course, we know which one you are, Bower.

JONATHAN: What that's supposed to mean?

JENNY: She just means you're a nice guy, Jonathan.

JONATHAN: I'm not that nice. I'm capable of baser emotions.

HEATHER: Oo, like what?  
JONATHAN: Like revenge.

JENNY: Jonathan, you wouldn't!

JONATHAN: We'll see. (He exits dramatically.)

HEATHER: How vengeful could a nice guy be?

JENNY: I'm hoping he's just letting the air out of the tires of Zack's Corvette. (Heather looks at her, puzzled. Roll opening credits.)

Scene II: The Bower-Micelli living room, right before supper

(Tony is sitting on the couch, working on plans for the basketball team.)

TONY: (talking to himself) OK, if Bueller is back and Washington's out, then that means Jonathan will need to— (yelling towards the kitchen) Hey, Bonnie, did Jonathan come home yet?

BONNIE: (entering through the swinging door) Yes, but he went straight to his room, muttering about girls.

TONY: Oh, that's right, he was gonna ask Jenny to that Snow Ball Dance today. She must've said no.

BONNIE: But the girl is supposed to ask the guy to the Snow Ball. Everyone knows that!

TONY: I didn't know that.

BONNIE: Didn't they have balls and formal dances in Brooklyn?

TONY: Yeah, we had proms and stuff, but, let me put it this way, "balls" didn't have that meaning there.

BONNIE: Oh, what meaning did it have? (Tony just looks at her, trying to decide if she's dense or naïve or what.)

TONY: You know, sports.

BONNIE: Oh, right. And meatballs.

TONY: Yeah.

BONNIE: Oh, the spaghetti will be ready in a few more minutes.

TONY: Great. (She disappears back into the kitchen. Tony shakes his head and returns to his notes. Then Angela comes home and he goes to her. She's in her seventh month of pregnancy now, very obviously when he helps her remove her coat.) Hey, Sweetheart, how was work?

ANGELA: Good, but I'm starting to get really tired. I don't know if I can keep working till the end, like I did with Jonathan.

TONY: Well, you were a lot younger then. (She looks at him.) Sorry.

ANGELA: (sighing) No, you're right. Pregnancy at 42 is not the same as pregnancy at 25.

TONY: (putting his hand on her stomach) Plus, you know, twins.

ANGELA: Yes. It's not twice as hard, but there are days when it's close.

TONY: Come over to the couch. You need a foot rub.

ANGELA: Oh, Tony, you're so sweet!

TONY: Well, you deserve it, Baby. (He leads her over to the couch and they sit down. He takes her shoes off, and then he starts rubbing one of her feet.) Better?  
ANGELA: Mm hm. You know, ever since I met you, you've been making everything better.

TONY: Well, I try.

ANGELA: Even when things get a little crazy— (She breaks off because Jonathan is descending the staircase. He's wearing sunglasses, a backwards baseball cap, a leather jacket, a white T-shirt, Doc Martens, and of course ripped jeans. He also seems to have sprouted stubble in the last few hours.)

TONY: (oblivious since he's facing away from Jonathan and looking at Angela's feet) Well, it's the same for me, Sweetheart. You're my rock, my island of sanity, my— (The shock of seeing Jonathan has worn off enough that Angela lets out a horrified scream. Tony turns.) My God!

BONNIE: (poking her head in from the kitchen) Is everything OK? Oh, nice outfit, Jonathan.

JONATHAN: (insulted) Nice?  
BONNIE: Yeah, you look like you're joining a boy band. It's a very cute look for you.

JONATHAN: Great, thanks.

BONNIE: Dinner will be ready in a minute. (She disappears back into the kitchen.)

JONATHAN: (muttering) Cute, nice.

ANGELA: Why does my child have stubble?

JONATHAN: Mom, I'm almost 17.

TONY: Yeah, but you didn't have it this afternoon. What are you, Homer Simpson?

JONATHAN: OK, it's fake. Just till I have time to grow some in.

ANGELA: Jonathan, why are you growing facial hair? And dressing like this?

JONATHAN: Maybe I'm tired of the way I look.

TONY: Yeah, Angela, he's growing up. Like one day when he got tired of the bowl-cut and he went for a Flock of Seagulls hairstyle.

JONATHAN: I do not have a Flock of Seagulls hairstyle!

TONY: (demonstrating with his hand) Well, it's not that dramatic, but you got that swoopy thing goin'.

JONATHAN: That's it! I'm wearing this cap until I can grow my hair out to a non-cute length. (He storms out of the room and into the kitchen.)  
ANGELA: Tony?  
TONY: Yeah, Angela?  
ANGELA: I think I need you to rub my other foot. (He nods and starts rubbing.)

Scene III: The kitchen, during supper

(Tony, Angela, Mona, Jonathan, and Bonnie are eating spaghetti and meatballs. Mona gestures like _What's up with Jonathan?_ Tony and Angela gesture back _You don't want to know._)

MONA: So, Jonathan, did you ask Jenny to the Snow Ball?  
ANGELA: You were going to ask a girl to the Snow Ball, Jonathan?  
MONA: Well, Dear, your little boy is growing up.

ANGELA: But, Mother, the Snow Ball is where the girls ask the boys.

BONNIE: Yeah, everybody knows that. (glancing at Tony) Well, almost everybody.

MONA: (shrugging) I grew up in Texas. We had a Boll Weevil Ball once.

ANGELA: Oh, I think I understand. Jonathan, you think if you dress like you're in a boy band, a girl will ask you to the dance.

JONATHAN: No, that's not it. (He eats more spaghetti, and then wipes his face, removing the fake stubble.) I'm tired of everyone treating me like a little kid. (as the others try not to laugh) Or a joke. What?  
MONA: (stroking her own chin) You look more clean-shaven now. (Jonathan looks at his napkin and then throws it on the table.)

JONATHAN: I'm not hungry anymore! (He storms out through the swinging door.)

TONY: Poor kid. It's hard on him. He's been the baby of the family for so long, and he wants to feel like a man.

MONA: Then maybe he shouldn't be wearing my Doc Martens. (They all silently muse on this.)

Scene IV: The outer office of the Bower Agency, the next day

(Mona's at her desk and on the phone. Stan and Neal pass through.)

MONA: (waving at Stan and Neal) Yes, Mr. Johnson. Oh, definitely, Mr. Johnson. As soon as possible, Mr. Johnson. (Stan and Neal exit.) Yes, Richard, the lace ones you like best. (She laughs naughtily. The phone rings.) Hold on, I've got another call. (She puts him on hold and picks up the other line.) Bower Agency. How may I direct your call? (as Jack and Shirley enter and pass through) Yes, Mr. Gladstone. I'm sorry to hear that, Mr. Gladstone. I'll let Ms. Bower know right away. (She hangs up and goes over to Angela's office. She knocks.)  
ANGELA: (offscreen) Come in.

Scene V: Angela's office a moment later

(Angela looks up from her work as Mona enters and closes the door behind her.)

MONA: Ms. Bower, I just had a call from Mr. Gladstone.

ANGELA: We don't have any clients named Gladstone, do we?  
MONA: Irving Gladstone.

ANGELA: (realizing) Oh, Irving Gladstone. How is old Irv?

MONA: Well, it seems that Irving, Jr. got called to the principal's office.

ANGELA: (no longer amused) Oh?

MONA: Yes, it seems that Little Irving mouthed off to one of his teachers.

ANGELA: I see.

MONA: Yes, his History teacher.

ANGELA: Oh!

MONA: They'd like Mrs. Gladstone to come to the school as soon as possible.

ANGELA: I see. I think I'll call it a day.

MONA: I think that's a good idea, Dear. (Cut to commercial.)

Scene VI: The high school principal's office, about an hour later

(Jonathan, looking a bit more grunge and grungy than when we last saw him, is sitting sullenly in one of the wooden chairs facing the principal's desk. Tony is in the other wooden chair. He's not sullen but he is stubbornly silent.)

PRINCIPAL: Gentlemen, I realize we're waiting for Mrs. Bower, sorry, Mrs. Micelli to get here, but as she has to come in from the City, we could be using our time more productively if we begin the discussion without her. (Neither Jonathan nor Tony speaks.) OK, I'll start. Now, as I understand it, you, Jonathan, were rude to Mr. Micelli. And then you, Mr. Micelli, said you don't have to take that kind of crap from him. Is that correct?

TONY: Look, this is sort of a family squabble, and maybe this isn't the best place to settle it.

PRINCIPAL: Well, the problem is, you had this squabble in your classroom, so that makes it a school matter.

TONY: I'm sorry, it was very unprofessional of me.

PRINCIPAL: Well, it sounds like you were provoked.

TONY: Yeah, but still.

PRINCIPAL: Jonathan, do you have anything to say for yourself? (Jonathan shrugs.) Tony, if Jonathan weren't your stepson what kind of punishment would you suggest?

TONY: I'd kick him off the basketball team. Or at least for a couple weeks.

PRINCIPAL: Jonathan, does that sound fair? (Jonathan shrugs again. The principal speaks to Tony.) Are you sure he mouthed off to you?  
TONY: Yeah, he wasn't this quiet an hour ago.

PRINCIPAL: Well, let's say one week and you two can go home. (Tony nods. Then Angela bursts in.)  
ANGELA: I got here as soon as I could.

PRINCIPAL: Please be seated, Mrs. Bow—Micelli.

JONATHAN: You can have my chair, Mom. (He gets up and walks out.)

ANGELA: What's going on here? (Tony gestures that she should sit. She does so.)

Scene VII: By the lockers, a minute later

(Jonathan is opening his locker when Raven, the Goth girl, strolls up to him.)

RAVEN: So, Jonathan, is this all just an act or what?

JONATHAN: (surprised she's talking to him) What?  
RAVEN: You know, the clothes, the rudeness. Because if it's for real, it's pretty bad-ass. (Jonathan looks startled to have a girl say the word "ass" to him. Then he tries to play it cool.)  
JONATHAN: Hey, Raven, who's to say what's real and what isn't?

RAVEN: That's really deep or really b.s.

JONATHAN: Maybe both.

RAVEN: Yeah. So, I know it's really lame and old-school, but do you want to go to the Snow Ball with me?

JONATHAN: Yeah, if I don't have anything better to do that night.

RAVEN: OK, I'll stop by at 8 on Saturday, if I'm not busy.

JONATHAN: Whatever. (He waits till she exits before doing a "Yes!" fist-pump. Then Tony and Angela appear and Jonathan tries to look sullen again.)

ANGELA: Young Man, you're grounded for a week!

JONATHAN: (losing his cool) But the Snow Ball's on Saturday!

TONY: I thought you didn't have a date.

JONATHAN: A girl just asked me.

ANGELA: Well, I don't think you should be going to any dance with a girl who is attracted to you when you're not looking or acting like yourself.

JONATHAN: Thanks, Mom. Unfortunately, no girls have been attracted to me lately when I'm myself. And maybe this is my true self.

TONY: Jonathan.

ANGELA: OK, you want to dress differently, wear your hair differently, maybe even act differently, fine. But we did not raise you to show disrespect to your elders. That Tony is your stepfather as well as your teacher means that he is all the more worthy of respect.

JONATHAN: OK, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mom. And I'm very sorry, Tony.

TONY: Why couldn't you say that in the principal's office?

JONATHAN: Because I don't care about being punished at school.

TONY: So it doesn't matter to you that you're off the basketball team? (Jonathan shrugs.) What's going on with you, Buddy? Tell us.

JONATHAN: It doesn't matter.

ANGELA: Jonathan.

JONATHAN: Yeah, Mom?

ANGELA: If you really want to go to the Snow Ball, you can.

JONATHAN: Yeah, I guess. Thanks. (Tony and Angela look at each other, baffled.)

Scene VIII: The living room, the next afternoon

(Jonathan is slouching on the couch, watching TV. Bonnie enters with a feather duster.)

BONNIE: Wow, I must be getting old. I can remember when MTV still played music. (Jonathan grunts in acknowledgement.) Um, don't you have homework?

JONATHAN: I'll get to it later. I have extra time now that I'm off the basketball team.

BONNIE: You are? Wow, you must be really upset! (He shrugs.) OK, if you don't want to talk about it. (She starts to exit to the kitchen.)  
JONATHAN: (sitting up straight) No, Bonnie, wait. I'm sorry. I need someone to talk to.

BONNIE: (sitting next to him on the couch) Did someone ask you to help them cheat on one of Tony's tests again?

JONATHAN: No, but it's related to that. That guy I didn't help before ended up bailing on the test, but now Jenny Wittener's tutoring him and dating him.

BONNIE: Oh, and you still like Jenny.  
JONATHAN: Well, a little, yeah. But mostly it bothers me that I told her what he asked me to do and she just felt sorry for him. And now he's back on the basketball team and I got kicked off.

BONNIE: But that was for being rude to Tony in class.

JONATHAN: I know. It's just. (He sighs.) Nothing works for me, if I'm a nice guy or a punk.

BONNIE: Jonathan, you're graduating a year early and you have a bright future. As for dating, well, it's hard in high school. I remember. I was never as popular as Sam and I was sort of in her shadow as her best friend. I'm not as pretty as her—

JONATHAN: I think you're at least as pretty.

BONNIE: Well, thank you. For a long time I was the shortest girl in my class, and I felt insecure about that.

JONATHAN: You're tall now though. Well, kind of short-tall.

BONNIE: Yeah, but men seem to prefer petite girls like Sam.

JONATHAN: I don't. I've always liked tall girls.

BONNIE: Well, too bad there aren't more guys like you.

JONATHAN: Like me in what way?

BONNIE: Nice. (He frowns.) No, I mean it. Like, Al is cute but he's not very nice. You're sweet and smart and funny.

JONATHAN: And cute?  
BONNIE: Yes, even with pretend stubble.

JONATHAN: Thank you.

BONNIE: You'll find the right girl someday. I'm sure of it.

JONATHAN: Maybe I already have.

BONNIE: I thought you said that that Raven girl isn't really your type.

JONATHAN: She's not.

BONNIE: Well, too bad you're going to the dance with Raven. This other girl might've asked you.

JONATHAN: She can't. She doesn't go to my school.

BONNIE: Oh, too bad.

JONATHAN: (quietly) Yeah.

BONNIE: So how did you two meet?

JONATHAN: She's my stepsister's best friend.

BONNIE: But I'm your— Jonathan, you like me?

JONATHAN: Uh huh.

BONNIE: But, but, you're only sixteen!

JONATHAN: I'll be seventeen next week.

BONNIE: Yeah, but I'm nineteen. And a half!

JONATHAN: So? You're still a teenager.

BONNIE: But I'm a college sophomore.

JONATHAN: Well, I'll be in college in the Fall.

BONNIE: Jonathan, this is crazy!

JONATHAN: If you were the guy and I was the girl, no one would even care about the age difference.

BONNIE: Your mother would care!

JONATHAN: Mom thinks I'm barely old enough to date anyone. You can't go by that.

BONNIE: But I mean—Well, you can't date your maid!

JONATHAN: What about Mom and Tony? And she's two years older than he is.

BONNIE: Yeah, but they're middle-aged.

JONATHAN: Well, they were thirteen and eleven when they first kissed.

BONNIE: Oh, that's right. Sam told me.

JONATHAN: Look, if you don't like me, just say so.

BONNIE: Of course I like you, Jonathan. But for over seven years, you've been my friend's sort of little brother. OK, you've grown up and you're taller than I am now, but— Give me some time here.

JONATHAN: How much time?  
BONNIE: A year? And a couple weeks, so you can turn 18.

JONATHAN: Well, I guess I'm going to the Snow Ball with Raven after all.

BONNIE: Do you want me to press your tux? Or are you sticking with the grunge look?  
JONATHAN: Bonnie.

BONNIE: Have you had a crush on me all this time?  
JONATHAN: Of course not. When we met, I thought girls were icky. Well, except Jenny Wittener. And I thought you were one of Sam's shallow airhead friends.

BONNIE: Well, I'm not smart like you. Or Jenny.  
JONATHAN: You've got more common sense than either of us. And I think my crush started around the time you became my housekeeper.

BONNIE: (nodding) That's around the time I started thinking of you as a friend, not just the brother of a friend.

JONATHAN: So are we at least still friends?

BONNIE: Of course. And I am really flattered.

JONATHAN: OK.

BONNIE: Jonathan?

JONATHAN: Yeah, Bonnie?  
BONNIE: If you don't go to the Snow Ball, do you want to catch a movie on Saturday?  
JONATHAN: (grinning) Yeah?  
BONNIE: As friends I mean.

JONATHAN: Sure! What do you want to see?  
BONNIE: Well, nothing romantic.

JONATHAN: OK.

BONNIE: How about _Bram Stoker's Dracula_? I still haven't seen it.

JONATHAN: I don't know. There's going to be neck-biting. In the movie I mean.

BONNIE: I'll put garlic on my popcorn. (They look at each other and seem like they might kiss. Then Tony enters the front door.)  
TONY: Hi, Bonnie. Hi, Jonathan.

BONNIE: (getting back to her feet and dusting) Hi, Tony.

JONATHAN: Hey. (They both act a little guilty, but Tony doesn't notice, as he's closing the door.)

TONY: (turning around again) OK, Jonathan, I realized something at today's basketball practice. When you're back on the team—

JONATHAN: Uh, can we please talk about this later, Tony? I've got some homework to do.

TONY: Yeah, sure. It can wait. (Jonathan gets up from the couch and goes upstairs.) Well, I guess his rebellious phase is over. That didn't last long.

BONNIE: (shrugging) Well, you know teenagers.

TONY: (a little puzzled) Yeah. (Cut to commercial.)

Scene IX: The living room, Saturday night

(Al is slouching on the couch, watching TV. Tony and Angela descend the staircase, nuzzling each other and wearing pajamas.)

TONY: Then we'll put on _The Way We Were_, snuggle up on the couch, and— (They reach the bottom of the stairs and see Al.) And that'll leave more room for Al.

AL: 'Zup?

ANGELA: Al, why aren't you watching TV at home?  
AL: Our cable's out and the repairman ain't comin' till "sometime between 9 a.m. and 6 p.m. on Tuesday." Good thing there's four of us livin' there, right?

TONY: Yeah, good thing.

AL: I must be gettin' old. I can remember when there was music on MTV.

TONY: Well, you are pushing 25. (The doorbell rings.) I'll get it. (He opens it to Raven, who's wearing a Goth ball gown, black of course, with a corset etc.) Hey, Raven. Did you have a question about History class?  
RAVEN: No, I'm here to take Jonathan to the Snow Ball. (Angela looks her up and down.)  
ANGELA: You're not taking my son anywhere.

RAVEN: (looking her up and down) Oh, you must be the mom. Yeah, he should have fun rebelling against you. Where is he?

AL: At the movies. (They all look at him.) Yeah, he said he was gonna see _Dracula _with a friend.

TONY: Well, I guess you're not going out with Jonathan tonight. Sorry, Raven. See you in class on Monday.

RAVEN: Yeah, whatever. It was a stupid dance anyway.

AL: Oh, it's a dance. I thought it was skiin' or somethin'.

RAVEN: Hey, Dude on the Couch, are you single?  
AL: Who wants to know?  
RAVEN: Maybe I do.

AL: Ay, I don't date high school girls.

RAVEN: So go with me as a friend. That'll really shake everybody up at the Snow Ball.

AL: Yeah, I guess I can go. I ain't got nothin' better to do tonight. (He gets up and grabs his leather jacket, then heads towards her.) Should I go home and change?  
RAVEN: (looking him up and down) No, you're perfect just the way you are.

AL: Thanks. (He slings his arm around her shoulder and they exit.)

ANGELA: Tony, what just happened here?  
TONY: (shaking his head) I don't want to know. But I'll go make the popcorn. You put in the tape. (She nods. Roll ending credits.)


	14. Rich Girl

_TV Guide_ capsule for Saturday, Feb. 6, 1993:

**9 PM Who's the Boss?—Comedy**

Nanna's will has a surprise in it.

Scene I: The living room, Saturday afternoon

(Angela, Mona, Richard, Sam, Hank, Al, Bonnie, and Jonathan are gathered together.)

AL: Ay, Happy Birthday, Jonathan! The big one-seven, right?

JONATHAN: Yeah,

AL: Cool. Now you're old enough to— (He glances at Angela and for once shows tact.) See R-rated movies on your own.

JONATHAN: Yeah, lucky my friend I saw _Dracula _with was a little older. (He and Bonnie carefully don't look at each other.)

ANGELA: Sweetheart, are you sure you don't want to invite some friends your own age to the party?  
JONATHAN: I told you, Mom, this is fine. (Tony enters from the kitchen with a birthday cake.)

TONY: (singing) It's somebody's birthday, I wonder who. It's somebody's right in this room near you. So look all around you until you see who—

JONATHAN: Mom, you promised.

ANGELA: Tony, enough. Thank you. (Tony pouts.)  
JONATHAN: OK, OK! Go ahead, Tony. (Tony beams and finishes the song, the others joining in.)

RICHARD: Thank you for including me in this celebration, Mona.

MONA: Well, Richard, you are going to be his step-grandfather soon. And you did invite me to your birthday last week.

RICHARD: Somebody had to do the spanking. (She gives him an _Oh, behave!_ look, while Angela pretends she didn't hear this exchange.)

SAM: Blow out the candles, Jonathan! And make a wish.

HANK: As long as it doesn't involve spanking. (She gives him an _Oh, behave!_ look, while Tony pretends he didn't hear this exchange. Jonathan and Bonnie again avoid each other's eyes.)

AL: So what are you gonna wish for, Jonathan?  
JONATHAN: Oh, gee, I don't know. I already have almost everything I want.

AL: You could wish for more cake. That ain't enough for nine people. (The doorbell rings.) Make that ten.

JONATHAN: Mom, you didn't invite somebody as a surprise, did you? Like Bobo the Clown?

ANGELA: Of course not!

TONY: He's booked up solid through the winter. (The doorbell rings again.)

BONNIE: I'll get it. (They look at her.) Well, I am the housekeeper.

ANGELA: Bonnie, it's your day off. You're here as a guest.

BONNIE: I don't mind. (She goes to the door and opens it to a handsome man in his late 30s, played by Charles Shaughnessy, with dark wavy hair and a tailored suit. She smiles.) At all.

MONA: Well, I got my wish.

RICHARD: (a little jealously) Oh?

MONA: Sorry, Darling, force of habit.

BONNIE: May I help you?

MAN: (with a British accent) I'm very sorry if this is a bad time. Not that there's ever a good time for this sort of thing.

TONY: (coming over and assuming his man-of-the-house role) For what sort of thing?

MAN: I beg your pardon, but is Angela Micelli here?  
ANGELA: (coming over) I'm Angela Bower-Micelli. What's this about?

MAN: I represent the estate of Katherine Reynolds.

MONA: (startled) The estate? Mother is dead?

MAN: I'm sorry, I didn't introduce this subject at all well. You must be her elder daughter, Mona Robinson.

MONA: (quietly) Yes, I am. (Richard gives her a comforting hug.)

TONY: Wait a minute, not to be crass, but I thought the old lady disinherited Mona and Angela.

MAN: She did. She's leaving everything to her great-grandchild. (The others all look at Jonathan.)

JONATHAN: Wow, and I didn't even blow out the candles yet. (Roll opening credits.)

Scene II: The same setting, a moment later

(Everyone is where we left them.)

MAN: I'm afraid there's a misunderstanding. I didn't mean this young man.

ANGELA: Jonathan is my only child. (The man looks at her stomach.) Well, so far.

MAN: Ah, but the terms of the will are that everything goes to Mrs. Reynolds's first female great-grandchild by matrilineal descent. (Almost everyone looks at him baffled.)  
ANGELA: You mean the oldest girl by the daughter of her daughter?

MAN: Right. That rules out Mrs. Robinson's two brothers and their descendants. Her younger daughter had only one daughter, Christy Everett, who so far just has two sons. That leaves…. (He looks at Angela's stomach again.)  
TONY: Hey, could you quit ogling my wife's belly?  
MAN: (indignantly) Sir, I assure you, my interest in your wife's "belly" is purely professional. According to Mrs. Everett, Mrs. Micelli is expecting twins but has decided not to identify the sexes ahead of time.

TONY: Yeah, we want to be surprised.

MAN: Well, you might want to rethink that under the circumstances. Now as I understand it, you were married in Atlantic City in September of last year, so the new children aren't expected till at least—

MONA: April.

ANGELA: (embarrassed) Mother.

MAN: Oh, well, that will cut down on the waiting time if you decide to forego—

RICHARD: (coming over) Excuse me, I'm somewhat of an expert in this field.

MAN: (shaking his hand) Oh, are you an attorney, Sir?

RICHARD: No, president of a sperm bank.

MAN: (letting go and looking like he wants to wash his hand) Oh.

RICHARD: And the odds are greater of having a baby boy than—

AL: Hey, is anybody gonna cut the cake or what?

JONATHAN: Let me make my wish first. (He blows out the candles.)

AL: You didn't wish you were a girl, did you?  
JONATHAN: Uh, no.

BONNIE: Good. (They try not to smile at each other. No one notices, partly because a woman in a designer business suit has just entered through the still open front door. She's in her mid 30s and has long dark hair. She's played by Fran Drescher.)

WOMAN: (with not a trace of a Flushing accent) Angela, I hope this isn't a bad time. I brought by the sketches for the nursery decoration. Oh, but I see you have company. (She looks the man over.) Hello, I'm Carol Patrice.

MAN: (shaking her hand) Sheffield Maxwell.

CAROL: Pleased to meet you.

SHEFFIELD: Likewise. Mrs. Micelli, again I apologize for how I introduced the bad news. Perhaps I could come back this evening, say, seven?

ANGELA: That would be fine.

SHEFFIELD: Thank you, see you then. Ms. Patrice.

CAROL: Mr. Maxwell. (He nods and exits. Carol immediately reverts to her working-class New York roots.) Was he gorgeous or what?

ANGELA: Ms. Patrice, this isn't really a good time. I just found out my grandmother died.

CAROL: So you're having a party? (Angela shakes her head.)

Scene III: The same setting, at 6:55 p.m.

(Tony, Angela, and Mona are on the couch, while Jonathan is in the chair nearest to the kitchen. Everyone else has gone home.)

ANGELA: I still can't get over it. Nanna is dead!

MONA: (shaking her head) I thought she was too evil to die.

ANGELA: Mother!

MONA: I'm sorry, Angela. I know you loved her. But I—She caused so much misery. And even now, look at this silly will. She ruined Jonathan's birthday party and now she's got you and Tony worried about whether at least one of the twins will be a girl.

TONY: Ay, Mona, I'm not worried. Two sons would be fine. I don't need a millionaire daughter.

ANGELA: I'll admit that this is overshadowing my pregnancy now. But I think her death is the main thing we should focus on.

JONATHAN: I don't know, Mom. I mean, yeah, it's sad she died. She was always nice to me, although I can't say I'm thrilled about her sexist will. But let's say one or both of the twins are girls. How's that going to make the other one feel, that his or her sister is an heiress? I mean I'm not too thrilled about it myself.

MONA: Well, Richard said that it'll most likely be one of each, but there is more of a chance of two boys than two girls.

JONATHAN: Mom, maybe you should find out. Just so we know.

ANGELA: No, Tony and I agreed to wait! Otherwise we would've had the ultrasound months ago. The babies are healthy and that's all we care about.

TONY: Right! (pause) Although I gotta admit, I'm curious now.

ANGELA: Tony!

TONY: I know, it's only another couple months. It's just, OK, let's say one of them is a girl. Well, that's gonna change everything, isn't it? Yeah, I don't need a millionaire daughter. But if I've got one, well, I'd like to be prepared.

ANGELA: I know, but— (She shakes her head.) Mother, you're right. This is rotten of Nanna. If she hadn't done it, I could just simply mourn her. But now she's introduced this mercenary element, and I don't know how to feel.

TONY: Well, I guess we could refuse it. I mean as the parents of the unborn heiress. And she would never have to know.

JONATHAN: Gee, Tony, if it were me, I wouldn't want you doing that. And it's not like Nanna's millions wouldn't come in handy around here.

TONY: Yeah, but—Look, I feel weird enough being married to, as Ernie put it, "a babe with deep pockets." But to be the father of a baby with deep pockets?

ANGELA: It is a big responsibility.

JONATHAN: So you're just going to walk away from the money?  
ANGELA: I think we need more time to discuss it.

TONY: Yeah, we haven't even really talked about it to Mr. Maxwell.

MONA: I just had a weird thought.

ANGELA: I'm afraid to ask.

MONA: What if this is all some prank? "Mr. Maxwell" could've found out the names of my family members and made up this story. We didn't see his credentials. We were just swayed by his looks and his accent.

TONY: I prefer to think that your mother is a b—witch. (The doorbell rings.) OK, that's Mr. Maxwell. I'll get his credentials just in case. (He goes to the door and opens it to Mr. Maxwell.) Hello, Mr. Maxwell.

SHEFFIELD: Mr. Micelli. Ladies. Young Mr. Bower. May I sit down?

TONY: Of course. (He closes the door and then escorts Sheffield to the living room. Sheffield takes the other chair by the couch. He opens his briefcase and starts taking out papers.)

SHEFFIELD: I thought you might like to see the death notice. She asked that you not be informed till my arrival, as she didn't want a funeral.

MONA: Can you at least tell me where she's buried?

ANGELA: (touched) Oh, Mother.

MONA: Well, I want to know where to dance. Or to spit. Or to— (Angela puts a restraining hand on Mona's arm.)

SHEFFIELD: Here's the information about the cemetery. And, ah, here we are. The will. You can of course have your attorney look it over, but I'll answer any questions you might have at the present time.

JONATHAN: I have one.

SHEFFIELD: Yes, Young Man?

JONATHAN: Is a will like that legal? I mean, it seems really sexist. And I'm not just saying that because I'm her oldest great-grandson.

SHEFFIELD: It's not particularly common these days, but yes. Of course, the past practice with entailment of an estate was generally in the male line.

ANGELA: Like in _Pride and Prejudice_.

SHEFFIELD: Exactly.

TONY: OK, let's say both of our twins are boys. And Angela's cousin never has a daughter. What happens then?  
SHEFFIELD: Then the estate will be divided among Mrs. Reynolds's favorite charities.

TONY: And what if Angela or Christy has a daughter but not for another few years?

ANGELA: Tony, I don't have that many years left. And I thought we'd stop with the twins.

TONY: Oh, well, yeah, if you want. I guess we should've discussed this before.

SHEFFIELD: Sir, if you're motivated by the financial rewards—

TONY: Ay-oh, oh-ay! I'm not after Nanna's money! It's just I'm Italian, and I'd like a big family.

MONA: Then maybe you should've got Angela pregnant eight years ago.

ANGELA: Mother!

TONY: We hadn't even kissed then! I mean, not as adults.

MONA: That's not my fault.

TONY: If you hadn't—

SHEFFIELD: Excuse me, if I might answer your question, Sir.

TONY: Yeah, sorry.

SHEFFIELD: The will allows a waiting period of five years from the date of Mrs. Reynolds' death for the birth of a great-granddaughter in the female line. If no such child is born, then the estate will be forfeited to the charities.

EVERYONE ELSE: Oh.

TONY: I guess that's enough time.

ANGELA: Tony!

TONY: I mean, if you change your mind. You'll be 47 by then and—

ANGELA: Tony, don't tell everyone my age!

TONY: (baffled) They all know. Mr. Maxwell probably has it in his briefcase, and Jonathan can probably figure it out. And I know Mona knows.

MONA: Well, I only admit to 35 myself, so I'd just as soon you not mention her age.

SHEFFIELD: Fascinating as these family squabbles are, I'm afraid my time is limited.

TONY: Ay, you think this is squabbling? You should come to Brooklyn sometime.

SHEFFIELD: Thank you for the invitation, but I need to fly back to London on Monday. (Tony and Mona look at each other like _Is this guy for real?_) Now, have you decided whether or not to opt for gender determination?

ANGELA: We're going to wait. Just like we originally planned.

SHEFFIELD: Very well. Then let me leave you the contact information for my office, so you can let us know when the infants are born and whether one is female, and then we can proceed with—

TONY: Well, we haven't decided whether or not we want our daughter, if we have one, to be an heiress. (Sheffield stares at them like he's never heard of such a thing before.)

SHEFFIELD: Sir, I don't think you realize the size of the estate and what you're refusing.

TONY: We realize it. And we're not necessarily refusing it. But, well, I worked my way up from nothing.

SHEFFIELD: To housekeeper and then teacher?

ANGELA: Tony was a wonderful housekeeper!

JONATHAN: And he's a great teacher!

TONY: (looking at Jonathan) You never said that before.

JONATHAN: Well, you are. But it's not the kind of thing guys say to their stepdads.

SHEFFIELD: My apologies, Mr. Micelli. I'm sure you're very good at what you do. But if you've never had much money, maybe you can't fully understand what having it would mean for your child.

ANGELA: Well, I grew up with money and I know that it's not all that matters in life.

MONA: But it doesn't hurt.

ANGELA: Mother!

MONA: Angela, my mother was a cold, distant woman who thought she could control people because she was rich.

TONY: That's exactly why we can't let her control us by influencing how we treat the babies, including before they're born.

MONA: (shaking her head) Look, I'm not happy that she did this. But since she did, if you have the opportunity to take her money, take it!

TONY: (to Sheffield) There aren't any weird, what do you call 'em, provisos, are there?  
SHEFFIELD: Provisos?

TONY: Yeah, like we have to name our daughter after her, or raise her in some weird religion or something.

SHEFFIELD: Beyond being the child of your wife or her cousin and being female, there are no requirements.

MONA: (getting to her feet and offering her hand to shake) Thank you so much, Mr. Maxwell, we'll be in touch.

SHEFFIELD: Well, I didn't have to leave this moment. I just meant— (The doorbell rings.)

MONA: I'll get it. (She goes to the door and lets in Carol.) Oh, Ms. Patrice.

CAROL: (back to her posher voice) Mrs. Robinson. Sorry to bother you all again, but I revised the designs, based on Mrs. Thomopoulos's estimates.

TONY: Mrs. Thomo— Did Sam tell you that one of the babies in the nursery you're decorating might be an heiress?

CAROL: She might've mentioned it in passing. May I come in? (She does so before anyone replies.) Why, Mr. Maxwell! We meet again.

SHEFFIELD: Ms. Patrice.

MONA: I'll take those designs and we'll look them over and get back to you.

CAROL: (reluctantly handing them over) OK. I can't stay long anyway.

SHEFFIELD: I should be going, too. It's been a long day and I'm rather jet-lagged.

CAROL: Oh, you shouldn't be driving in your condition.

SHEFFIELD: It's fine. I took a cab and the cabbie is waiting.

JONATHAN: That's not being charged against my sister's estate, is it?

ANGELA: Jonathan!

SHEFFIELD: No, it's out of my own pocket, as it happens.

CAROL: You poor man! Why don't I give you a lift to wherever you're going?  
SHEFFIELD: Well, it's the Fairfield Inn, but you needn't go to all that trouble.

CAROL: No trouble at all.

SHEFFIELD: Well, if you're sure. (He hands over a folder to Angela.) Mrs. Micelli, the rest of the information you need is there. Please be in touch.

ANGELA: We will be. Whatever we decide. (He nods and gets to his feet.)

SHEFFIELD: (as they head out) Thank you very much for the ride, Ms. Patrice.

CAROL: (with a touch of Flushing) Hey, maybe you'll return the favor someday. (They exit.)

MONA: I am such a good matchmaker!

ANGELA: Oh, come now, Mother, you can't take any credit for that. If there is any "that" to take credit for.

MONA: There will be. I have an instinct for these things. And it won't take them eight years.

TONY: Mona, Angela's right. All you did was open the door for her.

MONA: Oh, really? Who do you think told Sam to tell Ms. Patrice about the luxury accommodations for my precious granddaughter? (They all shake their heads in disbelief.)

Scene IV: Tony and Angela's bedroom, that night

(Tony and Angela are snuggling in bed, he caressing her stomach.)

TONY: I don't know, Angela. I mean, six-and-a-half months ago, when we had that picnic up at Spirit Lake, I didn't see all this happening.

ANGELA: At least that time the parking brake worked.

TONY: Yeah, but we didn't take other precautions.

ANGELA: Well, I thought just the once wouldn't matter. And I always wanted to do something spontaneous like that.

TONY: Well, Young Lady, now you see what happens when you fool around with boys in backseats.

ANGELA: I won't do it again, I swear!

TONY: Never?

ANGELA: Well, never without all the proper precautions.  
TONY: That's OK then. (He shakes his head.) Angela, are our lives always going to be crazy?

ANGELA: Probably.

TONY: (nodding) That's what I figured.

ANGELA: But I can't think of anyone I'd rather share the craziness with than you.

TONY: (smiling) Yeah, me, too. (They kiss.) Of course, this particular craziness is your fault.

ANGELA: My fault?

TONY: Yeah, she was your grandmother. My grandmothers never left me anything except pasta recipes.

ANGELA: Well, she's not leaving it to me. That's the problem.

TONY: I know. OK, so let's say we do have a daughter. Then what?  
ANGELA: Well, maybe Jonathan's right. Maybe it wouldn't be fair to deny her her inheritance.

TONY: Yeah, but what then, Angela? We have one kid who's incredibly rich and then her twin who's not. Not to mention Sam and Jonathan. That wouldn't be good for the family.

ANGELA: I know, I know.

TONY: Of course, we could set aside some for her college education, and just give the rest to charity. Our choice of charities, not Nanna's.

ANGELA: That might work. (She sighs.) Of course, for all we know, it's two boys in there. (She puts her hand over the hand that's caressing her stomach.)  
TONY: Yeah. Of course next time—

ANGELA: Tony.

TONY: If there's a next time, we might have a daughter.

ANGELA: How many children did you want, Tony?  
TONY: Now or if we'd got together earlier?

ANGELA: Well, let's start with the latter.

TONY: I don't know. In a way I'd have liked a lot, but on the other hand, we hardly have any privacy as it is, and we're almost empty-nesters.

ANGELA: True.

TONY: I mean, I'm really excited about the babies, you know.

ANGELA: (smiling) I know.

TONY: But another part of me looks forward to someday having you all to myself. Does that make sense?

ANGELA: It makes a lot of sense. Neither of us had that before. Michael was hardly ever home, even before Jonathan was born. And you and Marie had Sam when you were so young, and Sam was still little when you lost Marie. And then with us—

TONY: (nodding) By the time we finally got together, I mean really together, we didn't have much time before we found out we were going to be parents. And even if we weren't, well, there's still Jonathan with all his teenaged problems, and Sam living next door with all her young-married problems.

ANGELA: And my mother and Bonnie and Al, with all of their problems.

TONY: And your clients and my students.

ANGELA: Yes. But someday we'll be old and gray and everyone, even Mother, will be grown-up and on their own.

TONY: It's hard to imagine, Angela.

ANGELA: I know. But meanwhile, we are alone. (She looks down at her stomach.) Well, as alone as we're going to be for the next couple months.

TONY: Yeah, and then the real fun starts. With 2 a.m. feedings and everything.

ANGELA: Hey, if our daughter's an heiress, we can hire a flock of nannies.

TONY: (grinning) Good point.

Scene V: The living room, the next evening

(Angela and Carol are looking over the design sketches.)

CAROL: And this is the luxury décor. Of course, you may be moving to a larger home if the child is a girl.

ANGELA: Thank you, Ms. Patrice, but we have no plans to move out of this house.

CAROL: In that case, here's what you can do if you knock down the wall between Mrs. Thomopoulos's old room and your son's old room.

ANGELA: (taking that sketch and thinking of what Jonathan might say to that) Oh, thank you. (The doorbell rings.) Excuse me. (She goes over and opens the door to Sheffield.) Mr. Maxwell, what a surprise! (She glances at Carol, wondering if she has something to do with this.)  
SHEFFIELD: I'm afraid I have a more unpleasant surprise. It seems that your unborn child has been bumped out of the succession.

ANGELA: You're not very good at announcing bad news, are you?  
CAROL: (momentarily with her Flushing accent) Tell me about it.

SHEFFIELD: My apologies, Mrs. Micelli. But your cousin, Mrs. Everett has just confessed to having borne a daughter out of wedlock seven years ago.

ANGELA: Christy? Shy little Christy who had only three dates before her marriage?

SHEFFIELD: Well, one would be sufficient under the circumstances. It seems she gave the child up for adoption and has never told anyone about it. Until today.

ANGELA: Oh, poor Christy!

SHEFFIELD: You're not upset about your own daughter's disinheritance?  
ANGELA: No, I never expected her to be rich anyway.

SHEFFIELD: Well, I've hired a private detective to track down Mrs. Everett's little girl, and if they don't find her, then your baby is still in the running, as it were.

ANGELA: Well, thank you. And thank you, Ms. Patrice. I'll look over the sketches and let you know.

CAROL: Of course.

SHEFFIELD: Ms. Patrice, it seems that I'm not going to be flying back tomorrow as planned.

CAROL: Oh, really? Then maybe you'd like a little tour of New York.

SHEFFIELD: I would like that. (They exit together. Angela shakes her head and sits back down on the couch. Tony descends the staircase.)

TONY: So, Angela, I was thinkin'. Yale or Harvard?  
ANGELA: For Jonathan?

TONY: No, for Katherine Micelli. (She makes a face, knowing she'll have to tell him about the disinheritance. Roll end credits.)


	15. My Funny Valentine

_TV Guide_ capsule for Saturday, Feb. 13, 1993:

**9 PM Who's the Boss?—Comedy**

Valentine's Day is only a few days away, affecting couples new and not so new.

Scene I: The Fairfield-to-New-York commuter train, morning

(Angela and Mona are dressed for work. Angela is looking through her portfolio, while Mona is doing her nails.)

MONA: (looking up) So, Dear, we haven't had a mother-daughter chat in awhile.

ANGELA: (looking up warily) Uh, no, I suppose not. What did you want to talk about?

MONA: Well, not work, since we talk about that every weekday. And not the family, since we talk about them every day.

ANGELA: What does that leave?

MONA: (shaking her head) Have you forgotten what Sunday is?

ANGELA: The 14th?

MONA: Very good. The 14th of February. Ring any bells?

ANGELA: Oh, of course! The Anderson presentation is on the 15th! I'm never going to be ready in time! (Mona sighs wearily.)

MONA: If marriage kills romance this much, I'm going to have to rethink my engagement.

ANGELA: Romance? (realizing) Oh! Valentine's Day!

MONA: Is it coming back to you now?

ANGELA: I wonder if Tony remembers.

MONA: Do you want me to ask him?

ANGELA: Of course not! Well, you could subtly hint I suppose. But don't tell him I forgot!

MONA: Trust me, Angela.

ANGELA: I'll try. So what are you and Richard doing this weekend?

MONA: We're going to a cabin in the Berkshires.

ANGELA: That sounds nice. (She looks as if she's considering something. Then she sighs and goes back to the portfolio. Mona shakes her head as if she can't believe they're related.)

Scene II: The Micelli-Bower living room, evening

(Tony is working alternately on notes for class and notes for basketball, muttering to himself about both. Mona enters from the front door, still dressed for work.)

TONY: (looking up) Hey, Mone. Where's Angela?

MONA: (closing the door behind her) Nice to see you, too, Tony.

TONY: I'm sorry. How's my favorite mother-in-law?  
MONA: Pleased to see that romance isn't dead.  
TONY: Huh?

MONA: Well, you still look forward to greeting Angela at the end of a workday.  
TONY: Of course. Unless I've got a meeting at school, or basketball practice is running late. But then I look forward to going home and seeing her.

MONA: See, this is why I knew eight-and-a-half years ago that you were perfect for Angela. Michael was of German and Scottish descent, not nearly as romantic as the Italians.

TONY: Mona, you can't stereotype like that! Well, OK, yeah, you're right about Italians. Or me anyway.

MONA: I bet you've got something wonderful planned for this weekend.

TONY: You bet I do!

MONA: (smiling) Oh?

TONY: Yeah, the big game is on Friday. If we win, it'll mean we're going to the state play-offs!

MONA: (apathetically) Go, team.

TONY: Ay, come on, Mona, show a little support. Your grandson is on that team.

MONA: Tony, I am happy for Jonathan, and you. But I was thinking of something that happens a couple days after Friday.  
TONY: Sunday?  
MONA: You're getting warmer.

TONY: You think I should give thanks to St. Jude? Ay, the basketball team isn't a lost cause!

MONA: No, but sometimes I think you are. There's another saint you should honor on Sunday the 14th.

TONY: Oh, St. Valentine's Day! Is that this weekend?

MONA: Yes, Tony.

TONY: Oh, gee, it's too bad I've got the game. Otherwise, I could take Angela away on a long romantic weekend.

MONA: Why don't you take her on a short romantic weekend? Someplace local.

TONY: You mean the Fairfield Inn? They're probably all booked up, especially for Sunday.

MONA: I was thinking of somewhere a little more local. Someplace with a waterbed and a hot tub.

TONY: Sounds nice but a little pricy.

MONA: No, it's quite reasonable. And I'm sure they have a vacancy.

TONY: Yeah? Where is this perfect place?

MONA: My apartment.

TONY: Your apartment? I would think that of all the weekends, this would be one where you'd most need your apartment.

MONA: Ordinarily I would. But Richard is taking me to a cabin in the Berkshires.

TONY: Very romantic! And he's not even Italian.

MONA: Yes. So what do you say?

TONY: Well, Mona, I appreciate you playing Cupid.

MONA: As usual.  
TONY: Yeah. But Angela might feel a little funny about it.

MONA: Funny?

TONY: Well, you know. Us, in your bed.

MONA: I'll change the sheets.

TONY: Uh, thanks. (Angela enters the front door.)

ANGELA: Sorry I'm late, but I stopped off at the travel agency. Tony, how would you like to go to Pittsburgh this weekend? (They both stare at her, speechless. Roll opening credits.)

Scene III: The same setting, a moment later

(Tony and Mona still look stunned, while Angela looks eager.)

TONY: Uh, Pittsburgh?

MONA: Dear, I don't think you understood our little talk this morning.

TONY: Talk?

ANGELA: (closing the door behind her) OK, Mother, I'll admit that Pittsburgh isn't the most romantic city, but it's the best I could do on short notice.

TONY: Do?

ANGELA: Yes, Tony. I want to sweep you away on a romantic Valentine's weekend. I'd make it a three-day weekend, since Monday is President's Day, but I've got the Anderson presentation that day. But if we leave Friday evening—

TONY: (going to Angela) Oh, Baby, that is so sweet of you, but I've got the big game on Friday night.

ANGELA: Oh, right. I guess we could leave Saturday morning and come back Sunday afternoon, but with the travel time and everything— (Mona clears her throat.)

TONY: Um, what do you say to someplace more local?

ANGELA: You mean the Fairfield Inn? I don't know. I'd feel sort of weird about that, since you went there with Trish Baldwin, and Tanya the Little Lasagna.

MONA: That must have been some night!

ANGELA: Mother, he was with Tanya when I went there with Geoffrey.

MONA: You and Tony went to the same hotel on the same night?

TONY: It gets better. We had adjacent rooms.

MONA: Oh, that's what the glass-to-the-wall thing was. (Both Tony and Angela look embarrassed.) I always wondered what happened that night. Why didn't one of you stay here with your date?

TONY: Uh, well, actually, I felt weird about it. There was this picture of Angela by the couch, with Jonathan, and she looked all wifely in it, like she was my wife I mean.

ANGELA: I didn't know that!

TONY: Yeah, well, that was six years ago. I wasn't gonna tell you of course.

MONA: And you, Angela?

ANGELA: (embarrassed again) The vacuum reminded me of Tony.

MONA: Awww, you are a romantic.

TONY: (hugging Angela) Well, we've shared a lot of appliances.

MONA: And I thought I was kinky.

ANGELA: Mother!

MONA: Just make sure you give mine the afternoon off.

ANGELA: Excuse me?  
TONY: Uh, Sweetie, your mother has generously offered us the use of her apartment this weekend.

ANGELA: She has?

TONY: Now I know it'll be a little weird being there, but—

ANGELA: Weird? Who cares? Tony, she has a hot tub! (Tony is speechless again.)

BONNIE: (poking her head through the swinging door to the kitchen) Dinner's ready!

Scene IV: The kitchen, several minutes later

(Tony, Angela, Mona, Jonathan, and Bonnie are sitting around the table, eating.)

BONNIE: So, Mona, this is going to be your first Valentine's Day with Mr. Johnson. Are you guys doing anything special?

MONA: As a matter of fact, he's taking me to a cabin in the Berkshires.

BONNIE: How nice! Do you want me to water your plants while you're gone?

ANGELA: Bonnie! We've told you, you're not working for my mother.

BONNIE: Oh, I don't mind.

TONY: Well, Angela and I can look after the plants this weekend.

JONATHAN: It's going to take two of you to water plants?

TONY: (a little embarrassed) Well, actually, we'll be, um, apartment-sitting for Mona.

JONATHAN: Apartment-sitting? She's right across the driveway!

ANGELA: Jonathan Sweetheart, I'm not sure if you can understand, but Tony and I would like to have a weekend away, but this is all we can manage.

JONATHAN: Oh. So you're not going to be home at all this weekend?

ANGELA: Well, we will be close by, so if there's an emergency, don't hesitate to come and get us.

TONY: Well, knock first.

ANGELA: Actually, I think I'll take my cellular phone. So call if you need us.

JONATHAN: I'm sure I won't.

MONA: How about you, Jonathan? Any Valentine's plans?  
JONATHAN: Uh, no, Grandma, I don't have a valentine this year.

MONA: What about Jenny Wittener?

JONATHAN: She's got a boyfriend.

MONA: Heather Harper?  
JONATHAN: She's seeing the guy she took to the Snow Ball.

MONA: What about the girl who dresses all in black? Crow?  
JONATHAN: You mean Raven? She's got a crush on Al.

MONA: Oh, too bad.

ANGELA: No, it's not.

TONY: Well, too bad for Al.

MONA: And you, Bonnie? You must be meeting lots of college men.

BONNIE: Yes, but no one I want as a valentine.

MONA: What a shame! Maybe Sam could fix you up with someone.

BONNIE: It's OK. I'm focusing on school right now. Oh, and I have a paper due tomorrow! Sorry to eat and run. (She gets to her feet, waves goodbye, and exits.)

MONA: Imagine, a sweet, pretty girl like Bonnie not dating. It seems like such a waste! (Jonathan suddenly gets very interested in his food.)

ANGELA: Well, I didn't date much in college, Mother.

MONA: Or before. Or after.

TONY: Hey, I would've rather Sam hadn't dated in college than get engaged to one guy at 18 and then marry another guy a year and a half later.

MONA: Hm, this is Sam and Hank's first Valentine's Day as a married couple, too. I wonder if they've got any romantic plans.

TONY: If they do, I don't want to know. That's Bonnie and Al's problem.

Scene V: The Harpers' kitchen, meanwhile

(Hank, Sam, and Al, are eating dinner.)

SAM: So, Al, do you have any plans for this weekend?

AL: Yeah, I got this new hairstyle I want to try out, and Bonnie has promised to let me experiment on her.

HANK: (dubiously) Sounds fun.

SAM: So, Al, any sparks between you two?  
AL: Me and Bonnie? You kiddin' me?

SAM: What's wrong with Bonnie?  
AL: Nothin'. She's OK. But you don't mess around with the girls you live with. Everyone knows that.

HANK: Sam's former housemate didn't know that when his fiancée dumped him.

SAM: Hank, let it go. Al, I don't see why you can't go out with Bonnie.

AL: You don't, huh? What if it goes bad? Then we're stuck living with each other. It'd be worse than marriage!

HANK: He has a point.

SAM: Hank!

HANK: No, I mean when people get married or decide to live together, they make a commitment to put up with each other's annoying habits—

SAM: Oh, really?  
HANK: Not that you have any, Kitty-cat. But if Al and Bonnie are just living together as housemates, then it doesn't matter as much as if they were involved.

AL: Yeah. Plus, do you wanna deal with all the drama when we break up?

SAM: Well, no. It's just I worry about Bonnie. It's Valentine's weekend coming up and she doesn't have anyone to—

AL: Ay, wait a minute, Valentine's weekend?

SAM: Yes, the 14th is on Sunday.

AL: Oh, so that's why you were askin' about my plans! You want me to clear out of here so you and Hank can be alone.

SAM: No, Al, I wasn't—

AL: Well, I ain't stickin' around here with you two being more romantic than ever. I'll go to the old neighborhood this weekend.

SAM: Al, you don't have to do that.

HANK: Yes, he does, Sam.

SAM: Um, give Mrs. Rossini my love.

AL: Yeah, sure. Now I gotta find my little black book and see who else I'll be "givin' love" to. (He exits.)

SAM: (looking at Hank) So. Our first Valentine's weekend as a married couple.

HANK: (smiling) Uh huh. I wish we could afford to go away somewhere.

SAM: That's all right. We'd be spending the whole weekend in bed anyway.

HANK: (grinning) Yeah. (They lean forward and kiss.) Mmm, a whole weekend, just you and me— (Bonnie enters through the back door.) And Bonnie.

SAM: Hi, Bonnie. You're back early.

BONNIE: Well, I've got a paper due tomorrow.

SAM: Do you have a lot of homework this weekend?  
BONNIE: No, it's not too bad. How about you?  
SAM: There are some things I need to take care of, but it should be fine.

HANK: (hinting) Sam.

SAM: Uh, so, Bonnie, are you doing anything special for Valentine's Day?  
BONNIE: Well, no. You know I don't have a boyfriend.

SAM: Maybe this is the weekend to go out and get one.

BONNIE: Huh?

SAM: Well, Ridgemont is having a dance on Saturday. Why don't you call up Julia and the two of you can go see if you can meet some nice, cute guys?

BONNIE: Well, I guess I could.

HANK: And you know, if you want to sleep over at Julia's, or find other arrangements—

SAM: Hank!

BONNIE: Oh, I get it. You two want to be alone for Valentine's Weekend.  
SAM: Yeah, sorry, do you mind?  
BONNIE: No, I think it's sweet. You've been married almost a year and you still want to be romantic.

SAM: (getting up and hugging her) You're the best friend I ever had! (Hank clears his throat.) Well, the best female friend. Hank is my best friend of course. And then there's my dad. And, well, actually, Angela and I are close. And I don't know what I'd do without Mona.

BONNIE: I'm your best female friend your age, right?  
SAM: Of course.

BONNIE: You're mine, too. (letting go) But I have to go work on my paper.

SAM: OK, let me know if you need any help on it.

BONNIE: Thanks, Sam. (She exits.)

HANK: So, as I was saying, a whole weekend, just you and me. (They kiss again.)

Scene VI: Bonnie's bedroom, a minute later

(She's punching in numbers on her phone.)

BONNIE: (to herself) Oh, I hope I won't regret this. (into the phone) Hello? It's me, Bonnie. Yeah, I was wondering, since you don't have any plans this weekend, would you like to go to the Valentine's Dance at Ridgemont with me on Saturday? (We expect the camera to cut to Julia, but instead we see Jonathan standing in his living room, looking stunned.) Hello, Jonathan?

JONATHAN: (speaking quietly and glancing towards the kitchen) I can't really talk right now.

BONNIE: (as we go to split-screen) Oh, right, no privacy. OK, can you answer yes or no questions?  
JONATHAN: Yes.

BONNIE: Good. OK, this would just be as friends. Do you want to go?  
JONATHAN: Uh, yes.

BONNIE: Great! It should be fun.

JONATHAN: Yes.

BONNIE: That wasn't a question.

JONATHAN: Ye—Right.

BONNIE: And we can talk more tomorrow after you get home from school.

JONATHAN: No. I mean—

BONNIE: Oh, right. You'll have extra practice with the big game coming up.

JONATHAN: Yes.

BONNIE: Well, we can talk on Saturday before the dance, right?  
JONATHAN: Yes.

BONNIE: OK, well, I've got to go work on my paper that's due tomorrow.

JONATHAN: Yes.

BONNIE: Bye, Jonathan.

JONATHAN: Yes. (They hang up and then we just see Jonathan. He does a "yes" fist-pump. Then Tony and Angela enter from the kitchen.)  
ANGELA: Thanks for answering the phone, Sweetheart. We were doing the dishes.

JONATHAN: No problem.

TONY: So who was it?  
JONATHAN: Wrong number. (Cut to commercial.)

Scene VII: The same living room, Friday evening

(Bonnie is vacuuming. Angela and Mona return from work.)

ANGELA: Tony, we're home! (Bonnie shuts off the vacuum.)  
BONNIE: He and Jonathan and the rest of the team are having dinner together before the game.

ANGELA: Oh, that's right. The big game is tonight. Mother, are you sure you don't want to go?

MONA: Hm, let's see. A romantic weekend with my fiancé or a few hours watching a bunch of sweaty guys run around in shorts? I think I'll pick the romantic weekend.

ANGELA: I can remember when you would've chosen the sweaty guys.

MONA: Well, maybe if it was college basketball. (Angela shakes her head, realizing her mother hasn't completely changed.) And what about you, Bonnie? Going to the game?

BONNIE: Well, I hadn't planned to.

ANGELA: Come on, Bonnie. It'll be fun. And I'm sure Tony and Jonathan would appreciate your support.

BONNIE: Well, I guess I could.

ANGELA: Great! It'll give me somebody to sit with. Sam and Hank are, uh, a little busy tonight.

MONA: Some people aren't waiting till Saturday to start their romantic weekend.

ANGELA: (to Bonnie) Some people tried to sneak out of the office at lunchtime and not come back.

MONA: I'd almost made it to the border, when they nabbed me! (Angela shakes her head.)

BONNIE: Mona, are you staying for dinner?  
MONA: I'll have a quick bite and then Richard is picking me up. And then I'll have another quick—

ANGELA: Mother!

Scene VIII: The locker room, after the game

(The team, families, and friends are celebrating, as "We Are the Champions" plays in the background.)

WENDY WITTENER: Speech, speech!

ZACK BUELLER: Well, I couldn't have done it without all the little people.

JENNY: (laughing) Oh, Zack!

TONY: Sit down, Bueller.  
WENDY: Come on, Tony, give us a speech.

TONY: Well, you know, I'm not big on speech-making.

JONATHAN: (aside to Bonnie) Unless it's in front of Congress about Mom's natural scent. (Bonnie tries not to laugh. Tony and Angela luckily don't hear.)

TONY: I just want to say that it's been a good season. We had our rocky moments, but we also had our Rocky moments. (He strikes a Rocky pose. Everyone laughs.) We've got a great team!

ZACK: And a great coach.

TONY: Aw shucks! I couldn't have done it without the support of my lovely wife, Angela. (He gives her a big hug and kiss.) And now on to the state play-offs! (Everyone cheers.) OK, Everyone, let's hit the pizza parlor! I'm treating! (Everyone cheers louder. They all start to exit, but Jonathan pulls Bonnie aside.)

JONATHAN: (once the room is cleared out) Hey.

BONNIE: (smiling) Hey. Good game tonight.

JONATHAN: Thanks. And thanks for watching.

BONNIE: I enjoyed it. This is a better team than when I went here.

JONATHAN: Hey, with a superstar like Bueller, what do you expect? (They both laugh.)  
BONNIE: You're a star player yourself.

JONATHAN: Well, thank you.

BONNIE: So, um, about the dance tomorrow night…. (Jenny pokes her head in.)

JENNY: Jonathan, can I talk to you a minute?

JONATHAN: Uh, sure.

JENNY: Privately?

JONATHAN: Um, well.

BONNIE: It's OK, Jonathan. I need to catch up with your mom. She's my ride.

JONATHAN: OK. Uh, see you at the pizza parlor.

BONNIE: Right. (She exits as Jenny comes in.)

JENNY: I wasn't interrupting anything, was I?

JONATHAN: With Bonnie? No, of course not. We were just discussing, um, what to get Sam and Hank for their wedding anniversary.

JENNY: Oh. You're buying gifts with Bonnie?  
JONATHAN: Well, us and, and Al.

JENNY: Oh, that makes sense. Anyway, I wanted to thank you for not telling anyone about the time that Zack asked you to help him cheat on Mr. Micelli's test.

JONATHAN: Well, that was months ago, and I've moved on.

JENNY: Well, it's still really sweet of you.

JONATHAN: Well, I'm a sweet guy.

JENNY: You are. (She gives him a peck on the cheek.)

JONATHAN: Thanks.

JENNY: I'm sorry about the miscommunication we had last Fall.

JONATHAN: No, it was mostly my fault.

JENNY: It's just, I'm used to boys preferring Heather, and then I didn't like losing you to her.

JONATHAN: You didn't lose me.

JENNY: That's true. You never made up your mind.

JONATHAN: Well, I was very confused last Fall. But I'm starting to sort things out.

JENNY: Good. Me, too. (They look at each other, and then she kisses him on the lips. Bonnie comes back in and sees this.)  
BONNIE: I'm sorry! (Jenny backs away. Jonathan looks stunned.) I, uh, forgot my purse. (She picks it up from a bench.) I'll, uh, see you two at the pizza parlor. (She exits quickly.)  
JONATHAN: Bonnie, wait!

JENNY: You don't think she'll tell Zack, do you?  
JONATHAN: No, but—Jenny, why did you kiss me?  
JENNY: I thought you still like me.

JONATHAN: You're dating Bueller!

JENNY: I know. I guess I'm sort of confused myself.

JONATHAN: Jenny, I do like you, as a friend, but I—I'm interested in someone else now.

JENNY: Heather?

JONATHAN: No. I mean, she's pretty and everything, not prettier than you but—

JENNY: Oh, I get it. You like Raven, don't you?

JONATHAN: No, I don't.

JENNY: You don't? But I heard a rumor that you stood her up for the Snow Ball a couple weeks ago.

JONATHAN: Why would that make you think I like her?

JENNY: Because that's how you get a girl like Raven. Some girls like the sweet type, and some girls like guys that treat them rotten.

JONATHAN: Oh. Well, the girl I like wants me to treat her as a friend. I think.

JENNY: Oh. That's too bad.

JONATHAN: Yeah. (Tony pokes his head in.)

TONY: Hey, Jonathan, you comin' or what? There's a pizza with your name on it.

JONATHAN: Spelled out in olives?  
TONY: No, pepperonis. Come on! Oh, hi, Jenny, what are you doing here?  
JENNY: (straightening it on her shoulder) Uh, I forgot my purse.

TONY: Oh. (He looks at them a little suspiciously but decides to ignore it for now. He puts his arms paternally on their shoulders.) Come on, Kids, before the root beer's gone. (He leads them out. Cut to commercial.)

Scene IX: The Bower-Micelli living room

(Angela, Tony, Jonathan, and Bonnie are returning from the pizza parlor. The teenagers are keeping their distance from each other.)

ANGELA: Oh, I ate much too much pizza!

TONY: Well, you are eating for three.

JONATHAN: You look like you ate three basketballs.

ANGELA: (hurt) Jonathan!

TONY: Jonathan, apologize to your mother, right now!

JONATHAN: I'm sorry, Mom. I know you're supposed to be fat when you're pregnant.

TONY: Apologize better than that!

BONNIE: I think you look beautiful, Angela.

ANGELA: (trying not to cry) Thank you, Bonnie.

TONY: (grateful to Bonnie for being kind to Angela) And thank you for going to the game.

BONNIE: I had a good time. Mostly.

TONY: (shaking his head) Yeah, there were a few bonehead plays. But then we've got a few boneheads on the team. (He glares at Jonathan.)

JONATHAN: I'm sorry! I'm sorry for saying the wrong thing and for screwing things up! I can't do anything right!

TONY: Ay, come on, no need to beat yourself up about anything. You're young and you're still learning.

JONATHAN: Yeah. Mom, I am sorry. Bonnie's right, you do look great.

ANGELA: Thank you, Sweetheart! (She bursts into tears and throws her arms around him.)

TONY: (to Bonnie) Hormones. (She nods.)

BONNIE: Well, I should be getting home.

JONATHAN: (breaking away from his mother) Do you want me to walk you home?  
TONY: (puzzled) She lives right next door. And this is a pretty safe neighborhood.

BONNIE: I'd still like the company. We can talk about, about the game some more.

JONATHAN: Sounds good. (They exit out the front door.)

ANGELA: (puzzled) Is something going on tonight?

TONY: (thinking he realizes) Oh, I got it!

ANGELA: What?

TONY: Well, when I went back to get Jonathan in the locker room, he was alone with Jenny Wittener.  
ANGELA: And?

TONY: Well, they were just talking. But their behavior was a little suspicious. Jonathan probably wants to talk to Bonnie about it.

ANGELA: Why Bonnie?  
TONY: Well, you know, she's Sam's best friend, so it's like she's an honorary big sister. And they've gotten to be good friends since she started working for us.

ANGELA: (not sure what to think) Oh.

TONY: Anyway, the big game is over, and you know what that means.

ANGELA: (beaming) Yes, I do.

TONY: I can finally get some sleep!

ANGELA: Oh.

TONY: Unless you were thinkin' we'd go to Mona's tonight?

ANGELA: No, get your sleep tonight. (her voice going to its lowest register) You won't get much the rest of the weekend.

TONY: (with raised eyebrows) Neither will you. (They exchange The Look, as the words "To Be Continued" appear onscreen. Then the credits roll.)


	16. Call Me

_TV Guide_ capsule for Saturday, Feb. 20, 1993:

**9 PM Who's the Boss?—Comedy**

Valentine's Weekend continues.

Scene I: The Bower-Micelli kitchen, Saturday morning

(Tony and Angela have overnight bags. She's reading from a list to Jonathan, who looks impatient.)

ANGELA: And then if the fuse blows out—

TONY: Angela, he'll be fine. You've got your cellular phone and you can leave him the list.

ANGELA: (reluctantly handing over the list) Well, all right. It's just that Jonathan's never been on his own before.  
TONY: Angela, we'll be right across the driveway. And Sam, Hank, Al, and Bonnie are right next door. And he is 17, not exactly a little kid.

ANGELA: I know, but still—Jonathan, are you going to be all right for meals?  
JONATHAN: Mom, I know how to work a microwave. And a can-opener.

TONY: You're not gonna eat anything fresh?

JONATHAN: Does ordering a pizza count?

TONY: Gee whiz, Jonathan, are you gonna be back on the Crunchy Crawlers by breakfast tomorrow?

JONATHAN: Guys, it's just for one weekend. Not even a whole weekend. Just 36 hours. And next Fall, I'll be living on campus, at whichever college I end up at. You have to start letting go.

ANGELA: Oh, my baby's growing up! (She bursts into tears and gives him a big hug.)  
JONATHAN: Mom, I'm not your baby anymore.

ANGELA: You'll always be my baby!

TONY: (trying to pry her away) Come on, Honey, let's let little Jonny go watch Saturday morning cartoons and we'll leave.

ANGELA: (to Jonathan) Don't hesitate to call, Darling!

TONY: What is this, _One Life to Live_? (She glares at him and lets go of Jonathan.)

JONATHAN: Thanks, Tony. I'll go watch _The Smurfs_ now. (He exits to the living room.)  
ANGELA: Is that show still on?  
TONY: I think he was kidding.

ANGELA: I'm sorry about that, Tony. You know my emotions are heightened by hormones right now.  
TONY: I know, but I'd like to heighten different emotions of yours.

ANGELA: Oh, in Mother's waterbed?  
TONY: Yeah, and in her hot tub.

ANGELA: Oh, yes, Tony, about the hot tub.

TONY: You want to wear our suits or not? I'm OK either way.

ANGELA: Actually, Tony, I talked to my obstetrician, and she said that hot tubs are dangerous during pregnancy.

TONY: Oh. What about waterbeds?

ANGELA: They're fine.

TONY: (grinning) Good. Then I think we'll be spending most of the next 36 hours in one. (The phone rings. Tony sighs.) After this phone call.

JONATHAN: (yelling from the living room) Do you want me to get that?  
ANGELA: (yelling back) It's all right, Sweetheart. I will.

TONY: Angela.

ANGELA: Tony, it might be important. And as long as we're still here. (She takes off an earring and picks up the phone.) Hello?

MONA: (in alternating shots, with the interior of a rustic cabin in the background) Angela, what are you still doing there?  
ANGELA: (as Tony embraces her from behind and listens in) Tony and I were just leaving. What are you doing calling during your romantic weekend in the Berkshires?

MONA: I wanted to have Jonathan tell you about the settings on the hot tub.

ANGELA: It's OK, Mother, we won't be using the hot tub. It's not safe.

MONA: I've always found it perfectly safe. As long as you don't exceed occupancy.

ANGELA: Thank you, Mother.

MONA: You're welcome. Now about the settings on the waterbed—

TONY: (grabbing the phone) We'll figure it out. Thanks, Mona, goodbye, Mona, have fun, Mona! (He hangs up.)

ANGELA: Tony, that was a little abrupt.

TONY: Abrupt? Angela, we were planning to be there half an hour ago!

ANGELA: Well, it's not like there's going to be a lot of traffic on the way there.

TONY: With this family? It wouldn't surprise me. (Bonnie enters from the outside.)

BONNIE: (surprised to see them) Oh, hi. I thought you were at Mona's.

TONY: We're just leaving.

ANGELA: Bonnie, what are you doing here on a Saturday morning?

BONNIE: Uh, I came over to watch cartoons with Jonathan.

ANGELA: Oh, _The Smurfs _have just started.

BONNIE: Great. Have a nice weekend. (She exits through the swinging door. Tony looks suspicious but decides not to say anything, so that they can finally leave.)  
ANGELA: Well, I guess we should go now.

TONY: (suggestively) Yeah, and I'm gonna give you the smurfing of your life!

ANGELA: Oh, Tony, that sounds so naughty, but I don't know what it means.

TONY: Me neither, but we'll have fun finding out. (The Look. Roll opening credits.)

Scene II: The Bower-Micelli living room, a couple minutes later

(Jonathan and Bonnie are watching TV, although not _The Smurfs_. The sound is just audible.)

BONNIE: So, um.

JONATHAN: Yeah.

BONNIE: Thank you for explaining about Jenny's kiss last night.

JONATHAN: Yeah. You do understand, I wasn't kissing her back.

BONNIE: Yes, I understand.

JONATHAN: Good. Um, Bonnie, if you just want to be friends, why did it bother you?

BONNIE: Well, she has a boyfriend.

JONATHAN: Yeah. Is that all?  
BONNIE: And, well, I thought you liked me. As more than a friend. And then I see you kissing, or being kissed by, another girl.

JONATHAN: Right. But it wasn't my fault.

BONNIE: I know. Not that you owe me any explanation.

JONATHAN: OK. Bonnie, do you just want to be friends? (She sighs.)  
BONNIE: I'm trying to figure that out. I mean, if only you were older.

JONATHAN: Well, I'm not. And do you really want to wait a year till I turn 18?

BONNIE: Well, yes and no.

JONATHAN: OK.

BONNIE: I mean, maybe we could go out now, not as friends. But not do certain things till you're 18.

JONATHAN: What certain things?

BONNIE: (blushing) Jonathan!

JONATHAN: Oh, those certain things. Bonnie, I never do those things.

BONNIE: You don't?  
JONATHAN: I mean, not that I don't want to. But I've never had a serious girlfriend. And I'm not the kind of guy that would do those things, except with a serious girlfriend. Not that anyone has offered yet of course.

BONNIE: Me neither.

JONATHAN: Then you haven't, I mean, never?

BONNIE: Well, no. I mean, guys have offered. Like this guy I met on Spring Break in Fort Lauderdale three years ago. And I was flattered, but Sam didn't trust him and she looked out for me. She's sort of like a big sister, even though she's only a few months older.

JONATHAN: Yeah, she's like my big sister, too.

BONNIE: Right.

JONATHAN: Well, she is my stepsister now, but even before. God, what's Sam going to say if we get together?

BONNIE: I know. And your parents.

JONATHAN: Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't let that stop me, but it might get a little weird.

BONNIE: Yeah. Jonathan, about Sam—

JONATHAN: Do you think she'll be more protective of me or you?

BONNIE: No, that's not what I want to talk about. You see, Al has gone to Brooklyn for the weekend, to give Sam and Hank some privacy. And I kind of promised I'd clear out as much as I can in the next couple days.

JONATHAN: Oh. Well, you're welcome to hang out here. (They both look around the room.) In my empty house.

BONNIE: (uncertainly) Great.

JONATHAN: Bonnie, honestly, I won't try anything. I wouldn't even know how to try anything!

BONNIE: Me neither.

JONATHAN: Right. Well, we can just watch TV, rent some movies, order a pizza.

BONNIE: Go to the Valentine's dance?  
JONATHAN: Oh, that's right. Do you still want to go?

BONNIE: Yes. I already told Sam and Hank I'm going.

JONATHAN: (surprised) You did?  
BONNIE: Not with you. With Julia, to pick up guys.

JONATHAN: Oh, well, if you'd rather go with Julia.

BONNIE: No, I'd rather go with you.

JONATHAN: (grinning) Good. Wow, my first college dance! What do I wear? What do I do?

BONNIE: It's not that different from a high school dance.

JONATHAN: Bonnie, the last high school dance I went to, I took two girls. I mean as friends.

BONNIE: Well, it's not too late to call up Julia and ask her to join us. (He laughs.)

Scene III: Hank and Sam's bedroom, about an hour later

(Hank and Sam are in bed together, in the afterglow.)

SAM: Mmm, I never get tired of that.

HANK: Me neither. Even after almost a year.

SAM: Yeah. Do you think we'll still be like this when we're Dad and Angela's age?  
HANK: Well, they got together a lot older than we did. But I think we'll still be like this even when we're Mona and Dick's age.

SAM: Richard.

HANK: Right, sorry, Richard. (They giggle.) I hope they're having a nice weekend together.

SAM: Yeah. That's one thing about being older, you can actually afford vacations.

HANK: I thought you said we'd spend the whole time in the hotel bed.

SAM: Well, yeah, but it would be nice to go someplace romantic with you.

HANK: We'll get there someday, Kitty. And look at poor Tony and Angela. They could afford to go away, but they're both too busy.

SAM: Let's never be like that. Let's always find time for what matters.

HANK: We've got time for that now and— (He lifts the sheet and looks at himself.) As for what matters….

SAM: (grinning) Of course, there's something to be said for being young.

Scene IV: Mona's bedroom, about an hour after that

(Tony and Angela are in bed together, in the afterglow.)

ANGELA: Mmm, Tony, you're so good!

TONY: Well, you're not half bad yourself, Angela.

ANGELA: Flatterer!

TONY: Was that position OK? With you in the seventh month now, it's, uh, getting a little trickier.

ANGELA: (nodding) I know. I think the waterbed actually helped.

TONY: Maybe we should get one for our bedroom.

ANGELA: Good idea. (looking straight up) But no mirrors. This one makes me look really fat.

TONY: Well, it's probably one of those "objects may appear larger than they are" mirrors.

ANGELA: (reaching for him under the sheet) Not all objects.

TONY: (startled but pleased) Angela, you're so smurfy!

Scene V: The bedroom of Mona and Richard's cabin, about an hour after that

(Mona and Richard are in bed together, in the afterglow.)

MONA: Wow!

RICHARD: Yeah! Mona, I have to say you are the best I've ever been with.

MONA: Well, Richard, you're— (She quickly calculates.) In my top five.

RICHARD: Oh, well, that's not bad. Considering.

MONA: Yes. And unlike the others, you can keep moving up the charts.

RICHARD: Good. Of course, I'd be happy to start at the bottom. (They give each other incredibly suggestive looks.)  
MONA: You have a very dirty mind, Dick.

RICHARD: That's why you love me.

MONA: True. And because you take me away on romantic weekends.

RICHARD: This is nice, isn't it? Of course, I sort of miss your waterbed.

MONA: Well, it's hopefully being put to good use.

RICHARD: That was very sweet of you to offer your apartment to your daughter and son-in-law.

MONA: Richard, if there's one thing I'm not, it's sweet.

RICHARD: (kissing her cheek) You taste sweet. And you're sweet to me.

MONA: (uncharacteristically moved) Thank you.

RICHARD: And it was sweet to let them stay there.

MONA: Listen, Richard, after all the time and effort I invested in getting those two together, I'm not going to let their bungling prevent them from having a romantic weekend.

RICHARD: See? That's sweet.

MONA: If you say so.

RICHARD: One thing though. If you're away, and they're away, doesn't that leave Jonathan with an empty house?

MONA: Don't worry, the kid can work a can-opener. And a microwave.

RICHARD: No, I mean, he's 17. Do you all trust him to not have girls over?  
MONA: Jonathan? Richard, you've met my grandson. He's like a male version of Angela at that age. Completely innocent. And completely nerdy. We could all go away for a year, and the worst that would happen is he'd OD on ordering pizza. (Richard looks skeptical, but decides it's not his problem.)

RICHARD: Speaking of, would you like some room service?

MONA: (reaching for him under the sheet) Yes, if you're providing the service.

RICHARD: You have a very dirty mind, Mona.

MONA: That's why you love me.

Scene V: Jonathan's bedroom, approximately an hour after that

(The camera pans slowly across the floor, from the doorway to Jonathan's and Bonnie's shoes and eventually the bed, as Jonathan and Bonnie cry out excitedly. Then it's revealed that they're sitting on his bed, playing a videogame.)

JONATHAN: Wow, you're good!

BONNIE: Thank you. Oh, I guess I shouldn't have beaten you at the game. Girls aren't supposed to do that.

JONATHAN: No, I think it's cool.

BONNIE: You didn't let me win, did you?  
JONATHAN: No, believe me I was trying my hardest.

BONNIE: Well, good. (An awkward silence, as they suddenly remember they're in his bedroom.)  
JONATHAN: Uh, so maybe we should order a pizza now.

BONNIE: OK. And thank you for letting me hang out here.

JONATHAN: Well, I like having you. Having you over!

BONNIE: Well, I like being here. I mean in the house. Not just your bedroom!

JONATHAN: Right. (The phone rings. They both jump.) Uh, I'd better get that.

Scene VI: The living room, a moment later

(Jonathan enters from the back of the set, still shoeless, followed by Bonnie, also still shoeless. He smiles at her and then picks up the phone.)  
JONATHAN: (with pauses) Hello? Oh, hi, Ms. Grant. No, my mom is away for the weekend. May I take a message? Oh. No, I'm afraid she didn't want anyone from work calling her. But I'll see if I can have her call you. Sure. No problem. Bye. (He hangs up.) There's a problem.

BONNIE: Something to do with the agency? On the weekend?

JONATHAN: Yeah. Ms. Grant was working today, so that she can have Monday and Tuesday off. And she didn't go into detail, but there's a problem with her computer and some files.

BONNIE: Oh. Then I guess you'd better go tell your mom.

JONATHAN: I'd rather call her. (He looks around for the list Angela left. Then he calls her cell phone number.)

BONNIE: What are you going to do if she doesn't answer?  
JONATHAN: Then I guess I'll have to go over there. (He shudders.)  
BONNIE: Maybe you could slip a note under the door. Or— (He gestures that she should be quiet now.)  
JONATHAN: Hello, Mom?

ANGELA: (in alternating shots we see that she's still in bed with Tony) Sweetheart? Are you OK? Is everything all right at the house? Tony, go look to see if there's smoke! (Tony sighs and gets out of bed.)

JONATHAN: I'm fine, Mom. And the house is fine. But there might be a problem at the agency.

ANGELA: The agency? But it's the weekend!

JONATHAN: Yeah, but Ms. Grant is there and she said that her computer has trouble opening up some files.

ANGELA: Oh no! And she's helping get the Anderson presentation ready for Monday!

JONATHAN: I'm sorry, Mom. Maybe I shouldn't have told you.

ANGELA: No, I appreciate you telling me. We need to get this solved right away!

JONATHAN: Uh, I know a little about computers. Do you want me to head down to Manhattan?

ANGELA: That's sweet of you but I need someone who knows a lot about computers.

JONATHAN: OK, well, good luck.

ANGELA: Thank you, Sweetie. Talk to you tomorrow.

JONATHAN: OK. (He hangs up.) Poor Mom.

BONNIE: And Tony.

JONATHAN: Yeah. I don't know if they can get a computer technician over there on a weekend.

BONNIE: What if it's an amateur expert?  
JONATHAN: (surprised) You know about computers?  
BONNIE: No, but Hank does.

JONATHAN: Oh, gee, I don't want to ruin his and Sam's weekend, too.

BONNIE: But this sounds important to your mom.

JONATHAN: It is. (He sighs.) Should I call him or should you?  
BONNIE: Me? Sam and Hank aren't supposed to know I'm hanging out with you. And your mom would find out I'm here.

JONATHAN: Oh, right. I'll call. But if they don't answer, you have to go home and ask him.

BONNIE: How am I going to explain that I know about Ms. Grant's computer problems?

JONATHAN: Well, we'll wait a bit so that there will have been enough time for you to have dropped by and for me to have told you about the computer problems.

BONNIE: Uh, OK. Why did I drop by?  
JONATHAN: I don't know, Bonnie! I'm new at this!

BONNIE: OK, just call Hank and then we'll go from there.

JONATHAN: Thanks. I'm sorry I yelled at you.

BONNIE: It's OK. You're under stress. I understand.

JONATHAN: You're much too sweet for me.

BONNIE: I know. (He smiles and looks like he wants to kiss her.) Call Hank, Jonathan.

JONATHAN: Right. (He punches in the number. He waits as it rings.)

HANK: (in alternating shots we see that he's still in bed with Sam) Hello?

JONATHAN: Hi, Hank, it's me.

HANK: Jonathan? I'll put Sam on.

JONATHAN: No, actually, I wanted to talk to you.

HANK: Jonathan, if this is about the puppet show, it can definitely wait.

JONATHAN: No, it's nothing like that. One of Mom's employees is working today on a big presentation for Monday, and she's having computer issues. And, uh, I remembered hearing, I think from Sam, that you're good with computers.

HANK: What kind of computer issues?  
JONATHAN: Something to do with the files.

HANK: Oh, real specific, Jonathan. Thanks.

JONATHAN: I'm sorry, she didn't go into detail with me.

HANK: (sighing) What's the employee's number?

JONATHAN: Well, she's at the agency, but I don't know her extension.

HANK: OK, I'd better talk to Angela.

JONATHAN: Uh, I don't know if you should go over there right now.

HANK: I'm not going to. What's her cellular phone number? Sam, get me a pen.

SAM: (holding up a tube) Is lipstick OK?

HANK: (taking it from her) Sure.

JONATHAN: 555-9876. 203 area code of course.

HANK: (writing the number on Sam's neck) Right.

SAM: (giggling) Hank, that tickles!

HANK: It's OK, I'll lick it off after I call.

JONATHAN: Uh, I'll let you go now.

HANK: Thanks. (He hangs up. Cut back to Jonathan and Bonnie.)

BONNIE: So is he going into Manhattan?  
JONATHAN: I think he might try to resolve this over the phone.

BONNIE: Oh, I was kind of hoping he'd leave the house for awhile so I could go home.

JONATHAN: (disappointed) You want to leave?

BONNIE: Just for awhile. I have to get my dress and makeup for the dance.

JONATHAN: Oh, right, the dance. Do you still want to go?  
BONNIE: Yes, don't you?

JONATHAN: Yeah, I guess. It's just I'm enjoying hanging out with you here.

BONNIE: I'm having fun, too, but it is kind of weird being alone this long.

JONATHAN: Yeah.

BONNIE: Plus, I would like to dance with you.

JONATHAN: I'm not a very good dancer.

BONNIE: I'll teach you. (They grin at each other.) But first, let's order a pizza while we're waiting to see what happens with Hank and the computer.

JONATHAN: Good idea. (He starts calling the pizza place.)

Scene VII: Mona's bedroom, meanwhile

(Angela is sitting on the edge of the bed, talking on the phone to Shirley Grant.)  
ANGELA: ...And then just rename the file. Sure, no problem. I'm glad it was something simple. See you Wednesday, Shirley. (She hangs up.) Sorry about that, Tony.

TONY: Well, at least Jonathan didn't call half an hour earlier.

ANGELA: (smiling) Right.

TONY: And I know you, you would've worried about it the whole rest of the weekend if you didn't call her.

ANGELA: True. And now we can get back to us.

TONY: Good. (He opens his arms and she starts to go into them. But her cell phone rings. They both sigh.)

ANGELA: I don't have to answer that.

TONY: Yes, you do. Or you wouldn't be Angela Bower.

ANGELA: Angela Bower-Micelli has different priorities. And I want to be Angela Micelli this weekend.

TONY: (as the phone keeps ringing) What if it's important?

ANGELA: What? Like losing the toilet paper? (They're both able to laugh, years later, over how he indirectly got her fired.)  
TONY: We should go back to Mexico.

ANGELA: Without the kids and Mother this time?  
TONY: Yeah. (The phone stops ringing.)

ANGELA: See? It couldn't have been too important.

TONY: Good. (They snuggle up.) Angela, how are we going to go to Mexico when we'll have two babies soon?  
ANGELA: Well, we can wait a couple years, till I'm not so attached that I can't leave them for a couple weeks.

TONY: You burst into tears leaving your 17-year-old behind for a day and a half, and a few yards away.

ANGELA: I know. But I'm fine now. (Her phone beeps, showing someone's left a message.)

TONY: You want to check your messages, don't you?  
ANGELA: Yes, so you need to distract me.

TONY: I'll give it my best shot.

Scene VIII: Sam and Hank's bedroom, meanwhile

(Hank is sitting on the edge of the bed, holding the phone receiver to his ear.)  
HANK: (to Sam) She's not answering.

SAM: Well, it is Valentine's Weekend. Not everyone answers their phone.

HANK: I'm sorry about that. Let me just leave a message for Angela in case she wants to call me back.

SAM: And if she does, you're going to call her employee in Manhattan?

HANK: Well, yeah. I'm sorry.

SAM: Don't apologize. You like to help people. It's why you used to want to be a doctor, and why you're now a puppeteer.

HANK: I don't know that I'm helping that many people with my puppet show.

SAM: You're entertaining them. Laughter is the best medicine you know.

HANK: Yeah? Well, I know something that makes you feel even better.

SAM: Yeah? I'd like another dose of that, please.

HANK: Hold on. (into the phone) Angela, Jonathan called me about some computer issue at your agency. If you want any advice over the phone, please call back. Thanks. (He hangs up.)

SAM: And now we have to wait around to see if she calls you back.

HANK: Yeah, sorry.

SAM: (holding out her arms) Come here, Dr. Muppet, and make me feel better. (He grins and goes into her arms. They snuggle.)

HANK: This is nice, too.

SAM: Yes. But I seem to remember you promising to lick a phone number off me.

HANK: Oh, right. (He licks and kisses her neck, making her giggle and sigh.) Where's that lipstick?

SAM: Why?

HANK: I want to write _War and Peace _on you.

SAM: I'm not big enough.

HANK: Chapter by chapter. (She grins and reaches for the lipstick. The phone rings. He sighs and reluctantly reaches for the phone.) Hello?

TONY: (in alternating shots he's still in bed with Angela and she's listening in) Hey, is Sam OK? Angela's phone showed you left a message, but it wouldn't play back.

HANK: Yeah, Sam's fine. I was just calling Angela because Jonathan called me about a problem with one of the computers at the agency and he thought I could help.

TONY: Oh, that's nice of you, but it was no big deal. Angela figured it out.

HANK: Oh. I wish she'd told Jonathan.

TONY: Well, how was she supposed to know he'd call you?

HANK: Never mind. I'm glad it worked out.

TONY: Well, sorry you were bothered for nothing.

HANK: You, too.

TONY: Yeah, um, have a nice weekend.

HANK: You, too, Tony. (They both hang up before it can get any more awkward.)

Scene IX: Mona's bedroom, a moment later

(Tony holds out Angela's cell to her.)

TONY: Can you please shut this thing off?  
ANGELA: But what if something important comes up?  
TONY: If it's a real emergency, then Jonathan can come and get us.

ANGELA: (taking the phone) Oh, all right. But I am glad in a way that Jonathan called about Shirley's call, because even though it was simple, I wouldn't have wanted to deal with it at the last minute.

TONY: OK. But nothing else like that is going to happen this weekend. And if it does, Jonathan can tell you when we get home tomorrow night.

ANGELA: So what do you want to do now?

TONY: Well, I should probably cook you lunch at some point.

ANGELA: I doubt there's much in Mother's kitchen to work with.

TONY: Well, I'm pretty creative. And if I have to, I'll put on my clothes and go raid our refrigerator.

ANGELA: Why don't you leave your clothes off, skip lunch, and express your creativity in other ways? (He grins at her.)

Scene X: The Micelli-Bower kitchen, about an hour later

(Jonathan and Bonnie have just eaten half a pizza together.)

BONNIE: Oh, that was good!

JONATHAN: Yeah! Of course, I've never had a bad pizza.

BONNIE: Well, you know what they say.

JONATHAN: What?

BONNIE: (worried he may be even more innocent than she is) Uh, never mind. It doesn't really apply here.

JONATHAN: (confused) Oh.

BONNIE: Uh, I should probably be heading home.

JONATHAN: But it's still hours till the dance. And Hank's car is still in the driveway, so we know he didn't go to New York.

BONNIE: I know, but they're probably in their bedroom and won't notice if I'm home for a few minutes.

JONATHAN: OK. But I'll miss you!

BONNIE: Jonathan, you're getting a little clingy.

JONATHAN: Sorry.

BONNIE: (smiling) I'll miss you a little, too. But I'll come back as soon as I can.

JONATHAN: OK. Maybe we can watch a couple movies and then have the rest of the pizza for dinner.

BONNIE: Sounds nice. OK, um. (She awkwardly hugs him goodbye.)

JONATHAN: Can I kiss you?

BONNIE: Not yet. I still feel weird about this whole thing.

JONATHAN: OK, let me know when it feels less weird.

BONNIE: I will. (They let go. She starts to head towards the back door.)

JONATHAN: Not that way! Tony and Mom might see you!

BONNIE: Only if they're looking out the window at the right moment.

JONATHAN: I don't want to take that risk.

BONNIE: Jonathan, I don't like sneaking around when we're not doing anything wrong.

JONATHAN: I'm sorry.

BONNIE: I'll go out the front door.

JONATHAN: Thank you. (She nods and exits through the swinging door. He looks after her, then sighs, and starts putting the leftover pizza in the refrigerator. The words "To Be Continued" appear onscreen. Then the end credits roll.)


	17. Chances Are

_TV Guide_ capsule for Saturday, Feb. 27, 1993:

**9 PM Who's the Boss?—Comedy**

Bonnie has to decide whom to attend the Valentine's dance with.

Scene I: The Harpers' kitchen, mid-afternoon on Saturday the 13th

(Sam is wearing Hank's pajama top and looking through the fridge, trying to find something that won't require cooking. She sighs and takes out something in Tupperware. She puts it in the microwave. She turns around just as Bonnie enters through the back door.)

SAM: Hey, welcome back. Where have you been all day?

BONNIE: Oh, just hanging out.

SAM: Where? You didn't take your car.

BONNIE: Oh, right. Well, I'm trying to walk more, for my health.

SAM: Oh. Have you had lunch yet?  
BONNIE: Yeah, I had some pizza. But I can make you and Hank something if you want.

SAM: No, that's OK. We can manage. (The microwave beeps. Sam looks in.) I'll give it another couple minutes. (She turns around to face Bonnie again.) So where did you go?

BONNIE: Oh, over to Julia's.

SAM: That's quite a walk.

BONNIE: Well, that's why I was gone so long.

SAM: Oh. So are you guys doing the dance tonight?

BONNIE: Yes. It, it should be fun.

SAM: What are you wearing?

BONNIE: Oh, I don't know. Maybe something red or pink.

SAM: Both of you or just you?

BONNIE: Um, just me. I think Julia is wearing blue. You know, because of her red hair.

SAM: Well, you tell Bonnie that Mona wears red all the time and she looks gorgeous.

BONNIE: I'll tell her.

SAM: Do you want me to help you with your hair and makeup tonight? Since Al isn't around.

BONNIE: Oh, you don't have to do that.

SAM: Well, you've been so sweet about clearing out of here to give me and Hank privacy. I want to repay you somehow.

BONNIE: Oh, well, if you want. But the dance isn't for another few hours.

SAM: I'll do something simple that'll be easy to maintain.

HANK: (wearing his pajama bottoms and entering through the swinging door) Hey, Sam, aren't you coming back to bed? Oh, hi, Bonnie.

BONNIE: Hi, Hank. Don't worry, I'll be going soon.

SAM: Not before I get you ready for the dance!

HANK: Uh, how long is this going to take?

SAM: Not long.

Scene II: Bonnie's room, three hours later

(Bonnie is wearing a slip and sitting with her back to the audience, as Sam, who's wearing a robe over the pajamas, faces her and puts on the last touches of makeup.)

HANK: (offscreen) Sam, how much longer?

SAM: Almost done.

HANK: Well, I'm ordering Chinese. Do you want some, Bonnie?

SAM: Hank, that would mess up her makeup.

HANK: Oh, what was I thinking?

BONNIE: It's OK. I'm still pretty full from the pizza.

SAM: Are you going to be able to fit into your pink dress?

BONNIE: I hope so.

SAM: Good, because you look really cute in that.

BONNIE: Thank you.

SAM: You know, we should do this more often. It's like having a kid sister, or playing with my Darby doll.

BONNIE: Um, thank you.

SAM: I don't really get dressed up too often anymore, now that I'm an old married lady. I mean, I love Hank and I love being married, but there are times when I miss the fun of being single.

BONNIE: The fun?

SAM: You know, going to parties and dances, the excitement of flirting and wondering when you'll meet Mr. Right. Enjoy it while you can.

BONNIE: I'm trying.

SAM: And who knows? Maybe you'll meet someone tonight.

BONNIE: Maybe.

SAM: After all, you look fantastic, if I do say so myself.

BONNIE: Thank you. And thank you for doing this.

SAM: You're welcome. Can you try on the pink dress just so I can see the full effect?

BONNIE: You're not going to take pictures like my dad did on Prom Night, are you?  
SAM: No, I'd only do that if a date were picking you up and I could embarrass you.

BONNIE: Good thing I'm going stag. (They both laugh.)

HANK: (still offscreen) Sam, do you want pot stickers?

SAM: Hold on! (to Bonnie) Come show us when you're ready.

BONNIE: OK. (Sam exits. Bonnie turns around and we can see that Sam has made her face up very elaborately, with her hair in an upsweep. Bonnie looks in the mirror and sighs, but not at her sophisticated beauty. She whispers to herself.) You can't do this to her. She's your best friend. You can't date her kid brother. You can't keep sneaking around with him. And you can't go to the dance with him. But I want to! (She puts her hand to her face and we can see that Sam has also painted Bonnie's nails. Bonnie carefully wipes away a tear, trying not to smudge her makeup.)

Scene II: The Harpers' living room, a few minutes later

(Sam and Hank are sitting on the couch, both wearing robes.)

HANK: Kitty-cat, I know she's your best friend, but that's three hours out of our weekend.

SAM: Yeah, but she'll probably come home very late.

HANK: Or not at all?

SAM: Well, yeah, she could sleep over at Julia's.

HANK: Or elsewhere?

SAM: Well, Bonnie isn't the type to sleep with a guy she just met. Although there was this one time in Fort Lauderdale, when she almost fell for this guy with a smooth line.

HANK: Almost?

SAM: Well, I was looking out for her.

HANK: You're a good mother, Sam.

SAM: Thanks. (They kiss. Bonnie descends the stairs, looking lovely in a sleeveless pink dress with an Empire waist and a beaded bodice. Hank and Bonnie stop kissing and look at her.) Wow, Bonnie, you look great!

HANK: You do. You'll definitely pick up a guy tonight.

SAM: Hank!

HANK: I mean if you want to.

BONNIE: Well, I'm just going to have a fun time. Dancing I mean.

SAM: Of course. Uh, are you sleeping over at Julia's?  
BONNIE: Um, I haven't decided yet.

SAM: Well, maybe you should take your car. It is February after all, and you don't want to walk all the way over there and back, whether you're coming back tonight or tomorrow morning.

BONNIE: Uh, yeah, good point. Well, in that case, I'll go get an overnight bag, just in case I do stay over. And I can change out of this dress and keep it fresh for tonight. (She goes back upstairs.)  
HANK: Well, that looks promising. At the least, she'll be gone till the dance is over.

SAM: I do feel a little guilty about kicking her out so much this weekend.

HANK: Guilty enough to not encourage her to go to the dance?  
SAM: After all my work on her? Are you kiddin' me? (They kiss again.)

Scene III: Julia's apartment, about fifteen minutes later

(Julia is watching a romantic comedy on the VCR, and alternately laughing and crying. The doorbell rings. She pauses the movie and goes to the door, opening it to Bonnie, who's wearing a winter coat over a T-shirt and jeans but with her makeup and hairdo intact. She's got her overnight bag.)

JULIA: Oh, I'm sorry, but I don't buy cosmetics from door-to-door salesladies. I have very sensitive skin.

BONNIE: Julia, it's me, Bonnie.

JULIA: Oh, wow, it is you! What happened?

BONNIE: Well, Sam gave me a makeover.

JULIA: That was nice of her.

BONNIE: Yeah.

JULIA: So how's that working out for you? Living with her and her husband and that guy from Brooklyn.  
BONNIE: It's been nice. I mean, it was nice living with you, too. But I like living in a house.

JULIA: Uh huh.

BONNIE: Uh, how are things going with your new roommate?

JULIA: Jasmine? She's never home. She's always at her boyfriend's. And of course with this being Valentine's weekend, well.

BONNIE: Yeah.

JULIA: Hey, do you want to watch a movie with me?

BONNIE: What is it?

JULIA: It's called _Oh, Sorry, My Mistake_. It's a rom-com about mistaken identities.

BONNIE: Sounds good. Um, and later, maybe we could go to the Valentine's dance on campus.

JULIA: Without dates?

BONNIE: Sure, why not? Friends can go to dances together. We did in middle school.

JULIA: Well, that might be more fun than sitting around here. And we might meet some cute guys.

BONNIE: You never know.

JULIA: Well, then I guess I'd better shower.

BONNIE: That would be a good idea.

JULIA: Come on in and make yourself at home.

BONNIE: Thanks. Uh, can I use your phone?  
JULIA: Sure. Go ahead. (She exits to the bathroom as Bonnie comes into the living room and sets down her bag. Bonnie waits till she hears the water running before she picks up the phone and punches in the number.)

BONNIE: (whispering) Please pick up. (The scene switches to Jonathan in his living room, watching a sci-fi movie on the VCR. He pauses the movie and leaps to his feet to answer the ringing phone.)

JONATHAN: Hello?  
BONNIE: (in alternating shots) Jonathan, it's me.

JONATHAN: Bonnie? What happened to you? You said it would just be a few minutes, and it's been hours!

BONNIE: It's a long story. Listen, I'm going to the dance with Julia.

JONATHAN: (disappointed) Oh. Listen, I'm sorry I was so clingy before—

BONNIE: Jonathan, it's OK. Just meet me at the dance and I'll explain everything.

JONATHAN: You want me to show up at a college dance, by myself?

BONNIE: Well, couldn't you go with a friend?

JONATHAN: The only college-age friends I have are you and Sam.

BONNIE: I meant one of your friends from high school.

JONATHAN: That would be worse than going by myself.

BONNIE: Please, Jonathan.

JONATHAN: OK, I'll go, for you. But I can't wait to hear your explanation.

BONNIE: See you in a few hours.

JONATHAN: Yeah, see you. (They hang up.) I guess I'll have some of the leftover pizza for dinner and then figure out what I'm going to wear. And do I get her a corsage when we're not technically going to the dance together? I've never gone to a dance by myself. Hm, maybe I don't have to. (He picks up the phone again and punches in a number.) Hello? Hi, it's Jonathan. Yeah, fine. Um, so I know this is short notice, but I was wondering, since you're at Ridgemont, would you like to go to the Valentine's dance with me tonight? No, no, as friends! You would? Great! OK, I'll pick you up at 8. (He hangs up and nods in satisfaction. Then he goes into the kitchen, brings back the pizza box, and unpauses the movie.)

Scene IV: The Ridgemont Valentine's dance, that night

(Bonnie and Julia enter the room, the latter in a red floor-length, V-neck dress with applique.)

JULIA: Are you sure I look OK in red?

BONNIE: You look wonderful! It's a good thing you and Jasmine are the same size.

JULIA: Yeah, I just hope I don't spill anything on it. And I hope we meet some cute guys tonight. Oo, what about over there? (She points to a short brunet and a taller blond, who have their backs to them and to us.)

BONNIE: Well, they do look cute from behind.

JULIA: Yeah, very cute behinds.

BONNIE: Julia!

JULIA: Come on, let's go over and say hello. (She starts over there, Bonnie reluctantly following. They reach the guys and Julia taps the brunet on the shoulder.) Hi-ee! Happy Valentine's Day! (The brunet turns around and we and they see it's Mason.)

MASON: Well, technically, it's not Valentine's Day for another few hours. But the ancient Romans observed Lupercalia from February 13th through the 15th, although their calendar differed from ours in several—

JULIA: Hey, I know you! You're that college guy Sam was dating years ago!

MASON: Sam Micelli? Well, we weren't technically dating, although there was a time when I saw her as my ideal woman. We're just friends now of course.

JULIA: We're her friends, too. I'm Julia Garfield and this is Bonnie O'Hara.

MASON: (shaking their hands) Hi, I'm Mason Dixon.

JULIA: And who's your friend?

MASON: Well, you must know Jonathan if you know Sam.

JULIA: Jonathan? (The blond reluctantly turns and waves.)  
JONATHAN: Hi, Julia. Bonnie.

JULIA: Jonathan, what are you doing at a college dance?

JONATHAN: Uh, well, I'm here with Mason.

MASON: Yeah, he invited me.

JULIA: You mean you two are—?

MASON: No, no, we're here as friends.

JULIA: Oh, like me and Bonnie.

MASON: Yeah. See, Jonathan heard about the dance, I guess from Sam, but since he's still in high school, he felt funny showing up on his own. And since I'm a professor here, he thought I might be going. Which I wasn't. But it sounded like fun, so here we are.

JULIA: Oh. So what do you teach?  
MASON: History.

JULIA: Wow, I've never danced with a History professor before!

MASON: Uh, did you just ask me to dance?  
JULIA: No, but you're going to ask me, aren't you?

MASON: Uh, yeah, I guess that would be OK, since you're not in any of my classes. (Julia waits expectantly.) Oh, sorry! May I have this dance?  
JULIA: I'd love to. Thanks for asking. (They move out onto the dance floor. Bonnie and Jonathan watch them, amused. Then they look at each other.)

JONATHAN: You look amazing!

BONNIE: You look nice, too. (He's wearing a dark blue suit, with a pale blue shirt, and a pink tie.)

JONATHAN: Thank you. How did you get your hair like that with Al gone for the weekend?

BONNIE: Sam did it. And the makeup. And my nails.

JONATHAN: She did a great job. Not that you don't always look great, but, well.

BONNIE: Thank you.

JONATHAN: Is that why you didn't come back?

BONNIE: Partly. And it just snowballed into this thing of me going to the dance with Julia. And, um, Sam seems to want me to sleep over at Julia's. You know, so she and Hank can have more time alone together.

JONATHAN: Oh. Is that OK with Julia?

BONNIE: I haven't asked her yet. But her roommate is away for the weekend, so I could have my old room tonight.

JONATHAN: Oh. Well, that's good. I'm glad everything worked out.

BONNIE: Jonathan—

JONATHAN: No, Bonnie, it's OK. We spent a lot of time together and it was great. I mean, you can't spend the whole weekend with me, right? It's not like we're even dating yet. Valentine's is for established couples. Like Sam and Hank, my mom and Tony, and Grandma and Richard.

BONNIE: Well, yes, but it can also be for couples who are just starting out.

JONATHAN: (smiling again) Yeah?

BONNIE: We didn't have to spend every waking moment together this weekend, but I am really glad you showed up at the dance.

JONATHAN: Well, you know I wanted to see what a college dance was like.

BONNIE: Then maybe we should, you know, dance.

JONATHAN: Are you asking me to dance?  
BONNIE: No, but I was hoping you'd ask me.

JONATHAN: Miss O'Hara, may I have the pleasure of this dance?

BONNIE: (curtsying) Yes, you may, Mr. Bower. (They move out onto the dance floor and join in on the Electric Slide. But the next song up is a slow song, Johnny Mathis's "Chances Are." Jonathan and Bonnie communicate with their eyes, he asking if she wants to dance to this, and she agreeing, while Julia and Mason communicate that now's a good time to hit the refreshments table. A montage follows of not just Jonathan and Bonnie, but Sam and Hank, Tony and Angela, and Mona and Richard, slow-dancing to the tune. Dissolve.)

Scene V: The restroom at the Ridgemont Valentine's dance, a couple hours later

(Bonnie and Julia are fixing their hair and makeup in front of the mirror. We can hear the music from the dance floor.)

JULIA: That's really nice of you to dance with Jonathan so much, since he doesn't know that many people at Ridgemont. I'm sure Sam'll appreciate it.

BONNIE: Sam?

JULIA: You know, you being nice to her stepbrother. Not that she's always nice to him.

BONNIE: Right.

JULIA: Sorry I didn't share the burden more, but I've been having so much fun with Mason.

BONNIE: (realizing she's hardly noticed) You have?

JULIA: Yeah. OK, he's really nerdy! I mean, he's a History teacher. It doesn't get much nerdier than that. Unless you're naturally cool like Sam's dad. But Mason is sweet and funny, and he's not like the college guys I've been dating.

BONNIE: Oh?  
JULIA: You know, all grabby and trying to get you to go to bed.

BONNIE: Right.

JULIA: I think I'm going to ask Mason to spend the night.

BONNIE: (dropping her eyeliner in the sink) What?

JULIA: Well, we don't have to sleep together. I mean, I sort of just met him. Or re-met him. But it'd be nice to make out on Valentine's Eve, right?  
BONNIE: (picking up her eyeliner and not looking at Julia) Right.

JULIA: I'm sorry you didn't meet anyone. Maybe you shouldn't have paid so much attention to Jonathan.

BONNIE: That's OK. I still had fun.

JULIA: Me, too. And I figure Jasmine's gone all weekend, so I'll be alone with Mason.

BONNIE: Right.

JULIA: Of course, we need to work out the car situation.

BONNIE: Car situation?

JULIA: Well, Jonathan drove himself and Mason here, so that's no problem because I can offer Mason a ride, to my place or his. But I drove you and me here in my car, so you're going to have to go pick up your car at my place. Do you want me to give you a lift back to my place?

BONNIE: Uh, since you'll have Mason with you, why don't I just get a ride home from Jonathan, since he lives right next door, and pick up my car from your place tomorrow?

JULIA: OK. That sounds good. And thanks for suggesting going to the dance.

BONNIE: You're welcome.

JULIA: See you on the dance floor.

BONNIE: See you. (Julia exits. Bonnie whispers at her reflection.) And now what are you going to do?

Scene VI: The Micelli-Bower living room, after the dance

(Jonathan and Bonnie enter from the front door. He turns on the light.)

BONNIE: Thanks for the ride back. And understanding about everything.

JONATHAN: Well, I'm still a little confused, but the important thing is we got to dance together.

BONNIE: Right. And thanks for the offer to help you finish off the last of the pizza.

JONATHAN: Well, you paid for half of it. And now you don't have to worry about it messing up your hair and makeup.

BONNIE: Right. Uh, I don't want to get any on my dress though.

JONATHAN: (looking down) Yeah, I don't want to get any on this suit.

BONNIE: Maybe we should take them off.

JONATHAN: (looking up startled) What?  
BONNIE: I mean we could change into sweats or something. If you can loan me some.

JONATHAN: Oh, yeah, sure. I'll be back in a minute. (He heads towards the back of the set, to his room, and exits)

BONNIE: (to herself) What am I doing? This is crazy! OK, it's just pizza. I'll have a bit and then go home. I can come back here in the morning, and Sam and Hank will never know I've been there. (She wanders around the living room and then notices the light flashing on the answering machine.) Oh, I hope that's not more problems with Angela's agency. It's kind of late to bother her, but what if it's important? Maybe I'd better play the message. After all, I am the housekeeper, even if I don't work weekends. (She hits the "play" button.)  
JENNY: (on recorded message) Jonathan, I was out with Zack tonight and I did something awful! I really need to talk to you. Please call back as soon as possible.

BONNIE: Not this weekend, Jenny! (She hesitates and then hits "erase." Then Jonathan returns wearing pajamas and holding out a pair of sweats.)  
JONATHAN: Here. I hope they fit OK.

BONNIE: Well, that's what's nice about sweats, they don't have to be form-fitting.

JONATHAN: Uh, right.

BONNIE: Um, I'll go change.

JONATHAN: I'll reheat the pizza.

BONNIE: Great. (She heads towards the downstairs bathroom while he goes in the kitchen.)

Scene VII: The kitchen, a moment later

(Jonathan is startled to see Tony wearing a winter coat over pajama bottoms and raiding the refrigerator. He gasps, which makes Tony gasp.)

JONATHAN: Tony, what are you doing here?  
TONY: Oh, we ran out of food, and this was easier than going to the grocery store.

JONATHAN: Yeah, that's what Grandma always says.

TONY: Did I wake you?

JONATHAN: No, I, uh, just got back from the movies.

TONY: Yeah, I noticed your car was gone for awhile.

JONATHAN: Right. I went with a friend.

TONY: Yeah? I noticed you've been going to movies with "friends" more lately.

JONATHAN: Well, this time it was Mason.

TONY: Mason? Yeah? I always liked that kid. Well, he's not really a kid now I guess. He must be, what, 21?  
JONATHAN: I think so, yeah.

TONY: Well, next time you see him, tell him I say hi.

JONATHAN: I will.

TONY: So, uh, as long as I'm here, you want me to make you something you can reheat for breakfast tomorrow? And maybe lunch?

JONATHAN: No, I'll be fine, Tony.

TONY: Yeah? Eatin' that pizza? There'll be nothin' left at the rate you're goin'.

JONATHAN: Uh, Mason had some, too.

TONY: Oh. Well, still. It'll just take a few minutes for me to make something.

JONATHAN: Go back to Mom, Tony. Please.

TONY: OK. Have a good night, Jonathan.

JONATHAN: You, too, Tony. (Tony exits with his "groceries," Jonathan helping him with the door. Then Jonathan shuts the door and goes to the refrigerator to take out the pizza leftovers.)

Scene VII: The living room, a few minutes later

(Jonathan is sitting on the couch and putting the pizza on plates, when Bonnie reenters, dressed in his sweats, but still with the hair and makeup.)  
JONATHAN: You look cute.

BONNIE: Thank you. Did I hear you talking to someone just now?

JONATHAN: Yeah, Tony came back to get food from the kitchen.

BONNIE: Oh, that was close!

JONATHAN: Bonnie, we're not doing anything wrong.

BONNIE: I know, but it would be hard to explain what I'm doing here, in your sweats.

JONATHAN: Well, yeah.

BONNIE: Do you think he's coming back?  
JONATHAN: No, it's getting late and he and Mom will probably stay away till tomorrow evening, as planned.

BONNIE: Good. I mean, in case I hang out here tomorrow.

JONATHAN: Right. (She sits down and they start eating the pizza.) Bonnie?

BONNIE: Hm?

JONATHAN: So Sam thinks you're sleeping over at Julia's, doesn't she?  
BONNIE: Well, I told her I might.

JONATHAN: Um, what if you slept here?

BONNIE: What?

JONATHAN: Not with me! I mean, we haven't even kissed yet. But there are four empty bedrooms upstairs.

BONNIE: Well, yeah. But my overnight bag is at Julia's.

JONATHAN: Well, you can sleep in my sweats. And there's shampoo and everything in the upstairs bathrooms.

BONNIE: So I would sleep here and then what?  
JONATHAN: I could drive you over to Julia's tomorrow when you think it's late enough to drive from there to home.

BONNIE: Well, I did tell her you'd take me over there to pick up my car tomorrow. I mean, I figured you would.

JONATHAN: Yeah, no problem.

BONNIE: Well, I guess I could stay here. Upstairs. And then I wouldn't have to sneak in and out next door.

JONATHAN: Right. (They eat pizza for awhile.)  
BONNIE: OK. I'll stay.

JONATHAN: (grinning) Yeah?

BONNIE: Yeah. It'll be sort of a slumber party. Even though there are only two of us. And you're a guy. And we're both too old for slumber parties.

JONATHAN: Right. (pause as they eat some more) So what do you want to do now?  
BONNIE: Well, we didn't get a chance to watch movies earlier, so let's do that.

JONATHAN: OK.

Scene VIII: The same set, a couple hours later

(The closing theme of a movie is playing. The pizza is long since finished.)

JONATHAN: Well, that was fun. Now what do you want to do?

BONNIE: It's getting kind of late. I should probably go to sleep.

JONATHAN: Which bedroom are you gonna use?

BONNIE: How about yours?  
JONATHAN: (surprised) Mine?  
BONNIE: I mean your old one, upstairs.

JONATHAN: But Tony moved my bed down to my new room.

BONNIE: Oh. Well, then I guess I'll sleep in Sam's room.

JONATHAN: Tony moved her bed up to the attic when he and Mom turned the room into a nursery.

BONNIE: Oh. Do you think I could sleep in Tony's old room?

JONATHAN: Yeah, that should be OK. (They both stand up.) Do you want me to walk you to your door?

BONNIE: I don't think that's a good idea.

JONATHAN: How about the foot of the stairs?  
BONNIE: We could do that. (They stroll over. She takes his hand.) I had a really nice time today. And tonight.

JONATHAN: (looking down at their hands) Me, too.

BONNIE: So I guess I'll see you in the morning.

JONATHAN: (looking at her face again) Yeah.

BONNIE: I'll make you something good for breakfast.  
JONATHAN: You don't have to do that. You're not my housekeeper on weekends.

BONNIE: I'd do it as a friend.

JONATHAN: A friend?  
BONNIE: Well, yeah. Not just a friend.

JONATHAN: Right. Um, are you still freaked out about the idea of kissing me?  
BONNIE: I was never freaked out. It's just an idea I have to get used to.

JONATHAN: Hey, well, we're holding hands. And we danced earlier. That's progress.

BONNIE: Right. (They look at each other and seem about to kiss, but then the phone rings.) Do you want to get that?  
JONATHAN: Not particularly. (The phone stops ringing.) I wonder if that's a sign.

BONNIE: Maybe. (They move in for a kiss. It's tentative and sweet. The words "TO BE CONTINUED" appear on the screen, then the closing credits roll.)


	18. Love Is a Battlefield

_TV Guide_ capsule for Saturday, March 6, 1993:

**9 PM Who's the Boss?—Comedy**

The conclusion of Valentine's Weekend.

Scene I: The Bower-Micelli living room, where we left off at the end of the previous episode

(Bonnie and Jonathan are still kissing. Then they break away.)

BONNIE: That doesn't usually happen at slumber parties.

JONATHAN: I figured not.

BONNIE: Um, well, goodnight, Jonathan.

JONATHAN: Goodnight, Bonnie. Sweet dreams.

BONNIE: You, too. (She hesitates and then climbs the stairs. She pauses at the balcony and then blows him a kiss. He "catches" it. She smiles and then disappears down the hallway.)

JONATHAN: (quietly) This is the best Valentine's Day ever! And it's only an hour into the 14th. (Roll opening credits.)

Scene II: The kitchen, the next morning

(Bonnie is making breakfast. She's still wearing the sweats but she's washed off her makeup and gone back to her usual hairstyle. Jonathan, wearing his pajamas, enters through the swinging door and smiles.)

JONATHAN: Good morning.

BONNIE: (turning) Good morning. How did you sleep?  
JONATHAN: Like a baby. You?

BONNIE: Actually, I tossed and turned.

JONATHAN: Because you're not used to Tony's bed?  
BONNIE: That and I felt guilty.

JONATHAN: Bonnie, we didn't do anything wrong. We just had one little kiss.

BONNIE: That was not an ordinary kiss, Jonathan!

JONATHAN: (grinning) Yeah, it was great, wasn't it?

BONNIE: Well, yes, but that's not the point!

JONATHAN: What is the point?

BONNIE: Jonathan, we're alone together in this house, and even though we haven't "done anything wrong," people are going to think that we did.

JONATHAN: What people? No one knows you're here!

BONNIE: What if they found out?

JONATHAN: Bonnie, not that I had or have expectations, but most people in this situation, well, they would've "done something wrong."

BONNIE: That's what I'm saying!

JONATHAN: But my family and friends know me. And they know you. And I don't think they would be all that suspicious.

BONNIE: So should we tell them?  
JONATHAN: Are you crazy?

BONNIE: Jonathan, this isn't just about this weekend. What's going to happen if we keep seeing each other? What are we going to tell them? Your mom didn't even approve of Heather Harper, and Heather is your age.

JONATHAN: She likes you a lot more than she likes Heather.

BONNIE: Well, maybe she does now, but what about when she finds out that I'm the evil older seductress who corrupted her little boy? (Jonathan laughs.) It's not funny!

JONATHAN: I'm sorry. Look, we've agreed not to do "certain things" till I'm 18. So there is no seduction, evil or otherwise, going on.

BONNIE: But what about—?

JONATHAN: Let's just take this one step at a time, OK?

BONNIE: I'll try.

JONATHAN: What are you making?

BONNIE: Pancakes. They probably won't be as good as Tony's.

JONATHAN: I'm sure they'll be fine. (looking at them) Aww, you made them into little heart shapes!

BONNIE: Well, yeah, for Valentine's Day.

JONATHAN: That's sweet. Now I wish I'd gotten you candy or flowers or something.  
BONNIE: That's OK. Maybe next year. I mean, if we're still going out.

JONATHAN: I hope we are. I'll be 18 then.  
BONNIE: Right. (A tense pause, and then someone knocks on the back door.)

JENNY: (offscreen) Jonathan? Are you there?  
JONATHAN: (whispering frantically) Quick, hide!

BONNIE: (whispering back) I thought you're not worried about what people think.

JONATHAN: I'm not but this would look bad, you being here so early in the morning.

JENNY: Jonathan? (Bonnie sighs.)

BONNIE: Fine. I'll hide in Tony's room.

JONATHAN: Good idea. (She exits out the swinging door. Jonathan goes to the back door and opens it to Jenny.) Hey, Jenny, what brings you by?

JENNY: Didn't you get my message last night?

JONATHAN: Was that you calling around 1 a.m.? I don't think they left a message.

JENNY: No, this was around 10.

JONATHAN: I didn't see a message on the machine. But it sometimes malfunctions.

JENNY: Oh.

JONATHAN: What were you calling about?

JENNY: Can I sit down?

JONATHAN: Of course. Let me just turn off the stove. (He goes over to the stove.)

JENNY: (not sitting) Oh, did I catch you in the middle of making breakfast? I didn't know you cook.

JONATHAN: Well, not very often, but I'm sort of on my own this weekend.

JENNY: Oh. What are you making?

JONATHAN: Um, pancakes.

JENNY: Oh, can I try one?

JONATHAN: Well, they're not ready yet.

JENNY: (coming over) Oh, they're heart-shaped for Valentine's Day! How cute!

JONATHAN: Yeah, you should see the ones I'm gonna do for Arbor Day. (She laughs and then bursts into tears.) Um, maybe you'd better sit down. (She does. He turns off the stove and sits next to her.) So what's going on?

JENNY: Well, like I said on the message that you didn't hear, I was out with Zack last night and I did something awful!

JONATHAN: Oh. Well, it's easy to get carried away with your emotions sometimes, but it's all part of life, right?

JENNY: Yeah, but this wasn't like me. I mean, at the time I felt like I had to do it, and it felt great. But as soon as I did it, I regretted it.

JONATHAN: Well, not that I've been in a serious relationship, but from what Tony's told me—

JENNY: No, no, you don't understand! I punched Zack in the eye!

JONATHAN: Oh.

JENNY: And you know I'm not a violent person.

JONATHAN: Did he provoke you? I mean, not that I'm condoning what you did but—

JENNY: No, I know it was wrong. But he did provoke me. He said some things that weren't very nice.

JONATHAN: Oh. Well, some guys when they're dating a girl, they get a little crude and—

JENNY: Jonathan, it wasn't about me. It was about you.

JONATHAN: Me?

JENNY: Yes, he, well, he called you gay.

JONATHAN: Gay?

JENNY: Well, he used a not nice word for it.

JONATHAN: Why would he think I'm gay?

JENNY: Well, you've never had a steady girlfriend. And when you had the chance to go out with me or Heather, you chose neither. And you stood up Raven for the Snow Ball. And he doesn't know about you rejecting me when I kissed you on Friday of course, but if he did, that would be more evidence.

JONATHAN: Oh.

JENNY: I mean, I know you said you like another girl. And it's really none of my business, even if you are, I mean were, gay. But I thought you should know, in case he says something at school.

JONATHAN: Is he even going to be in school? How hard did you punch him?

JENNY: Enough to give him a black eye. (Jonathan can't help grinning.) Don't smile about it!

JONATHAN: (trying to frown) Sorry.

JENNY: I'm less worried about whether he'll be in school than whether he can play in the play-offs next week.

JONATHAN: (now not finding it hard to frown) Oh, right, the play-offs.

JENNY: Jonathan, I have to tell Mr. Micelli! Where is he?  
JONATHAN: (hesitantly) Well, he and Mom went away for the weekend.

JENNY: Couldn't you call them?

JONATHAN: Can't it wait till they get back? I mean, there's nothing he can do about it right now anyway.

JENNY: I guess you're right. What time will they be back?  
JONATHAN: Sometime this evening.

JENNY: OK, I'll come back after dinner.

JONATHAN: Come back?  
JENNY: Yes, I want to tell him as soon as possible.

JONATHAN: Um, let me tell him.

JENNY: Are you sure?  
JONATHAN: Yeah, I'll just say you had a fight. I don't have to say why.

JENNY: You're so sweet! I mean, not that you're gay or anything.

JONATHAN: Right, thanks.

JENNY: And I won't tell anyone about the pancakes.

JONATHAN: The pancakes? Oh, yeah.

JENNY: Well, I should probably go home now.

JONATHAN: OK.

JENNY: (kissing his cheek) Thanks again, Jonathan. Uh, is that OK? To kiss you on the cheek I mean.

JONATHAN: It's OK. (She hesitates and then leaves. He shakes his head. He goes back to the stove and turns it back on. Then he's about to go get Bonnie, but someone knocks.) That better not be Bueller.  
AL: (offscreen) Yo, Jonathan, can I come in?

JONATHAN: Not that Al is much of an improvement. (He nonetheless opens the door to Al.) Good morning, Al.

AL: Ay, it must've been a good morning and a good night, if Jenny Wittener's sneakin' out of here.

JONATHAN: She wasn't sneaking out of here. She just dropped by to say hello.

AL: On Valentine's morning? Sure she did. Don't try to fool me, Jonathan. You two was playin' house.

JONATHAN: Playing house?

AL: Yeah, with your family away for the weekend, you do what any guy would do, sneak a girl in.

JONATHAN: No, Al, really—

AL: (going over to the stove) See? Exhibit B. Heart-shaped pancakes.

JONATHAN: Those aren't hearts. They're diamonds that came out wrong.

AL: Hearts, diamonds, that's still plenty romantic. What I can't figure out is, why'd she leave?

JONATHAN: What I can't figure out is what you're doing here. Aren't you supposed to be in Brooklyn this weekend?

AL: I was. But turns out, all those old girlfriends I was gonna look up? They're all married with kids.

JONATHAN: Already?  
AL: Ay, that's Brooklyn. So I ended up bowlin' and drinkin' with the guys, tryin' to get lucky with some new girls, strikin' out, sleepin' on my niece Carmela's couch, and comin' home in the mornin'.

JONATHAN: Al, this isn't your home.

AL: Well, close enough. And I can't go home-home 'cause I promised Sam and Hank I'd give 'em some privacy this weekend. So can I hang out here?  
JONATHAN: Here?

AL: Yeah. You don't have to entertain me, or feed me, or nothin'. Well, those pancakes look pretty good.

JONATHAN: Help yourself. But I don't know if you can hang out here all day.

AL: Why? Would I be in your way? You got more girls comin' over?  
JONATHAN: Ha ha. Yeah, right.

AL: I'll just watch TV and you do whatever you was gonna do anyway. I don't care.

JONATHAN: Great. In that case— (He starts to head towards the swinging door.)  
AL: You got any syrup?

JONATHAN: It's in the fridge.

AL: Thanks. (He waits.)  
JONATHAN: What?  
AL: Well, you're closer. (Jonathan sighs but gets the syrup out.)  
JONATHAN: Here. (He sets it on the table.)

AL: You got anything besides maple? (Jonathan rolls his eyes and exits out the swinging door.) Geez, everyone's so touchy on Valentine's.

Scene III: Tony's old bedroom, a couple minutes later

(Bonnie is sitting on the bed, glancing at her watch. Then someone knocks. She's not sure whether to say anything.)

JONATHAN: (offscreen) Bonnie, it's me.

BONNIE: Oh, come in. (He does, shutting the door behind him.) You were talking to Jenny a long time. (She's trying not to sound jealous.)

JONATHAN: (shaking his head) It wasn't just Jenny. Now Al is here.

BONNIE: Al is here?  
JONATHAN: Yeah. In the kitchen. And then he's going to watch TV.

BONNIE: Oh. Why?  
JONATHAN: Sort of for the same reason you're here. (She stares at him.) No, not that reason. But to give Sam and Hank privacy.

BONNIE: Oh. That sort of affects our privacy, doesn't it?

JONATHAN: Yeah. So we've got two choices. You either keep hiding up here until Al leaves, and then I can drive you over to Julia's so you can pick up your car and your overnight bag, or I can try to sneak you out now before he goes into the living room.

BONNIE: Well, how long is he staying?  
JONATHAN: It sounded like it'll be hours.

BONNIE: Oh. Well, let's try and sneak me out while he's still in the kitchen.

JONATHAN: OK, I'll go first, as a lookout. (She nods.)

Scene IV: The living room, a couple minutes later

(The room is empty. Jonathan cautiously appears on the balcony, like he's a spy. He creeps down the stairs, as Bonnie peers round the wall of the hallway. He gets to the ground floor and looks around. He signals to Bonnie that the coast is clear, so she starts creeping down the stairs. Then Al enters from the kitchen, with a plate of pancakes.)

JONATHAN: (loudly) Hey, Al, are those pancakes going to be enough for you? Do you want to order a pizza?

AL: (as Bonnie sneaks back upstairs) You don't gotta shout. I'm right here.

JONATHAN: Sorry.

AL: Yeah, maybe we can order a pizza later. Like lunchtime.

JONATHAN: Sounds good.

AL: (flopping down on the couch and turning on the TV) You wanna watch anything?

JONATHAN: No, that's OK. Um, I have to do something upstairs.

AL: OK, see ya later. (Jonathan heads back to the stairs.)

Scene V: Tony's old bedroom, a couple minutes later

(Bonnie is again sitting on the bed. Jonathan enters without knocking this time.)

JONATHAN: (shutting the door behind him) Sorry about that.

BONNIE: It's not your fault.

JONATHAN: Well, maybe he'll go to the bathroom later. Or I can send him out to get the pizza instead of having it delivered.

BONNIE: OK. What do you want to do in the meantime? (They both seem to realize they're alone in a bedroom.)

JONATHAN: Um, we could play cards or something.

BONNIE: Uh, OK.

JONATHAN: I've got some in my room. I'll be right back.

BONNIE: OK. (Cut to commercial.)

Scene VI: The same setting, a couple hours later

(Jonathan and Bonnie are playing cards, sitting on the bed.)

JONATHAN: Any sevens?  
BONNIE: Go Fish. (She yawns.)  
JONATHAN: I'm sorry, this must be boring for you.

BONNIE: No, it's OK.

JONATHAN: Do you want to play Strip Poker instead?  
BONNIE: That might be a little too interesting.

JONATHAN: Can I kiss you again?

BONNIE: In bed?

JONATHAN: Do you want to stand up?

BONNIE: That might be safer. (They stand up and then kiss.)

JONATHAN: Bonnie, do I seem gay to you?

BONNIE: Huh?

JONATHAN: Jenny told me that Zack Bueller thinks I'm gay.

BONNIE: Well, he's an idiot. If you were gay, you wouldn't be interested in me, would you?

JONATHAN: Well, he doesn't know that. And maybe there is something wrong with me, that I'm not trying to make you do more this weekend.

BONNIE: Well, there's nothing wrong with being gay. But there's a difference between gay and considerate. And if you were trying to make me do more than I'm comfortable with, I wouldn't like you so much.

JONATHAN: (smiling) Yeah? You really like me?

BONNIE: I really like you.

JONATHAN: I really like you, too, Bonnie.

BONNIE: Then you're probably not gay.

JONATHAN: I guess not.

BONNIE: Is that what Jenny wanted to talk to you about?

JONATHAN: Sort of. She punched Bueller in the eye for talking bad about me. (She grins.) I know, it is pretty cool. But he may not be able to play in the play-offs now.

BONNIE: (no longer grinning) Oh. Should you tell Tony?

JONATHAN: I'm going to wait till he comes home. I'm trying not to bother them now that it's actually Valentine's Day.

BONNIE: See, you're very considerate.

JONATHAN: I guess. Plus, if I go tell him, then he and Mom will just come back early. And we don't want that, do we?  
BONNIE: Not really. At least not while I'm hiding up here.

JONATHAN: Yeah.  
BONNIE: Thanks for keeping me company.

JONATHAN: My pleasure. (They're about to kiss again.)  
AL: (yelling from downstairs) Yo, Jonathan!

JONATHAN: I'll be right back.

Scene VII: The living room, a minute later

(Al is still sitting on the couch. Jonathan comes downstairs.)

JONATHAN: Yeah, Al?

AL: You're outa beer.

JONATHAN: What do you want me to do about it? I'm 17.

AL: Oh, right. I'll go to the store. You want anything?

JONATHAN: Um, how about some spaghetti? I can make that and it'll be a nice welcome-home dinner for Mom and Tony.

AL: OK. I'll even pay for it.

JONATHAN: Thanks, Al.

AL: (grabbing his leather jacket and heading towards the front door) No problem. (He exits.)

JONATHAN: Bonnie, you can come down now! (She emerges onto the balcony.)  
BONNIE: I know. I was listening.

JONATHAN: (as she descends the stairs) So do you want to go now?

BONNIE: I probably should.

JONATHAN: OK, here's what you're going to have to do. Leave by the front door, so that Mom and Tony won't see you. Then I'll go out the back door, get my car, and then catch up with you on the way to Julia's.

BONNIE: OK. (She gives him a quick kiss on the cheek.) See you soon. (He helps her put on an overcoat, so it won't be obvious she's wearing sweats. Then she puts on her shoes. She exits out the front door, looking around as if hoping Al or the neighbors won't catch her. Then Jonathan starts heading towards the back door, but the phone rings. He sighs but he decides that it's better to answer it than wonder. So he picks it up.)

JONATHAN: Hello? No, Al stepped out for a moment. May I take a message? (He writes something down.) OK, yes, I'll tell him. (He shakes his head. Then he heads out the back door.)

Scene VIII: The driveway, a moment later

(Jonathan heads towards his car, which is a silver 1983 DeLorean. But Tony descends the stairs from Mona's apartment.)

JONATHAN: Oh, uh, hi, Tony.

TONY: Did I just see Al drive off from here?

JONATHAN: Uh, yeah, he's hanging out here and he went to get groceries.

TONY: He's hanging out with you on Valentine's Day?

JONATHAN: Well, we're not exactly hanging out together. He's just here to give Sam and Hank some privacy.

TONY: Oh. But isn't Bonnie home?  
JONATHAN: I think she's over at Julia's this weekend.

TONY: Oh. And where are you off to?

JONATHAN: Me? Oh, I need to, to get a replacement strap for my accordion.

TONY: Oh. Jonathan, is everything OK?  
JONATHAN: Yeah, everything's fine. Well, except for my accordion strap. See you tonight. (He gets in his car.)  
TONY: Yeah, see ya. (He shakes his head and goes back upstairs.)

Scene IX: The interior of Jonathan's car, parked by Julia's apartment, several minutes later

(Jonathan and Bonnie are sitting in the front seat, talking.)

JONATHAN: ...And that's why it took me so long to catch up with you.

BONNIE: It's OK, it's been that kind of weekend.

JONATHAN: So what do you want to do now?

BONNIE: Well, I could drive home now. It's late enough that Sam and Hank wouldn't think anything of me leaving Julia's.

JONATHAN: Yeah, but it's early enough that they might still expect privacy.

BONNIE: Well, if Al is hanging out at your place, it wouldn't be that weird if I'm hanging out there, too.

JONATHAN: Yeah, you could just be showing up now.

BONNIE: Right.

JONATHAN: I wish we could be alone though.

BONNIE: I think we weren't really ready for that this weekend, and maybe all these interruptions were for the best.

JONATHAN: I guess. Can I kiss you goodbye?

BONNIE: No, what if Julia sees us and tells Sam?

JONATHAN: (sighing) OK. But we are going to have to go public at some point.

BONNIE: Not yet.

JONATHAN: OK. (She gets out of the car and waves goodbye. He waves back and then starts the car.)

Scene X: The Micelli-Bower living room, several minutes later

(Al is sitting on the couch, watching sports on TV and drinking a beer. Jonathan returns, from the back door, with an accordion strap. He looks around as if for Bonnie.)

AL: Ay, Jonathan, I left the spaghetti noodles in the kitchen.

JONATHAN: Thanks, Al.

AL: What's that you're wearin'?

JONATHAN: An accordion strap.  
AL: Without the accordion? (Before Jonathan can answer, the doorbell rings. Jonathan hesitates, not really wanting to deal with anyone else this weekend, but knowing he can't ignore the bell when Al is there. He goes over and opens the door to Bonnie, who's changed out of his sweats and into jeans and a T-shirt.)

JONATHAN: Bonnie, what a surprise! What are you doing here?  
AL: She's probably here for the same reason I am, to give Sam and Hank some privacy.

BONNIE: Right. Is it OK if I hang out here for a few hours?

AL: I don't mind.

JONATHAN: (trying not to smile too much) Come on in. (He almost helps her off with her coat, then stops himself.)

BONNIE: Thank you. (coming over to the couch) So, Al, I thought you were in Brooklyn.

AL: Yeah, well, that didn't exactly work out.

JONATHAN: Oh, that reminds me. Al, did you see the message I took for you?

AL: What message?  
JONATHAN: (going over to the table where the phone is) This message. Some girl named Lucia was trying to track you down.

AL: Lucia? Oh, yeah, I met her bowling last night. I didn't think she was interested.

BONNIE: Well, she must be, to try to reach you.

AL: Yeah, well, she ain't worth drivin' back to Brooklyn. Maybe some other weekend.

JONATHAN: Are you sure?

AL: Yeah, I'd rather hang out with youse guys.

JONATHAN: Well, thanks. (He looks at Bonnie and she shrugs. Cut to commercial.)

Scene XI: The kitchen, that evening

(Bonnie is cooking spaghetti. Mona enters, with her suitcase.)

BONNIE: Hi, Mona. Welcome back.

MONA: Bonnie, what are you doing here?  
BONNIE: Making spaghetti.

MONA: I see that. But you don't work weekends.

BONNIE: I know, but Jonathan and I thought it would be a nice treat for Tony and Angela when they get back.

MONA: I see. So they haven't left my apartment yet?  
BONNIE: No, not yet. So how was your weekend?  
MONA: Wonderful! But too short.

BONNIE: Really? It felt longer than usual.

MONA: We've got to find you a boyfriend.

BONNIE: Oh, there's no hurry.

MONA: Right, you're focusing on school.

BONNIE: Yeah. (Jonathan enters through the swinging door.)

JONATHAN: Hey, Grandma, welcome back.

MONA: Thank you. It's good to be back.

JONATHAN: Are you staying for supper?

MONA: As long as it's not just a treat for Tony and Angela.

JONATHAN: Oh, no, there should be plenty.

MONA: So this was your idea, Jonathan? Or Bonnie's?  
JONATHAN: Um, mine. But Bonnie's a better cook than I am.

MONA: And she agreed to come over and cook?  
BONNIE: Um, well, we were hanging out anyway.

JONATHAN: (quickly) With Al. (Al enters through the swinging door.)

AL: Any beer left? Oh, hi, Mona.

MONA: So the three of you have been drinking to celebrate Valentine's Day?  
AL: Ay, Mona, they're both under 21. The beer is for me.

MONA: Oh, good. (She looks at the three of them, wondering what exactly went on this weekend. Then Tony and Angela enter from outside.) Well, I don't have to ask how you two have been celebrating. (Tony and Angela both blush a little.)

TONY: Yeah, well—Bonnie, are you making spaghetti?

BONNIE: Yes, Jonathan didn't want you to have to cook when you got back.

TONY: Oh. That's very thoughtful. Of both of you.

AL: And I bought beer.  
ANGELA: Uh, thanks, Al.

MONA: You know, you two could've stayed away a little longer. I wouldn't have minded.

ANGELA: Thank you, Mother. But I have to get to work on the Anderson account for tomorrow, now that Shirley Grant has completed the report.

TONY: Yeah, and I might as well start planning strategy for the state play-offs.

MONA: Oh, did you win Friday's game?  
TONY: Did we win? (throwing his arm around Jonathan's shoulders) You should've seen your grandson on the court. He was amazing!

JONATHAN: It wasn't just me.

TONY: No, we've got a great team this year. With him and Bueller and the rest— (Bonnie coughs.)

JONATHAN: Um, Tony, I need to talk to you before dinner.

TONY: Uh, yeah, sure. (They exit through the swinging door.)

ANGELA: Mother, what's going on?  
MONA: I'm not sure. (The phone rings. Angela goes to answer it.)  
ANGELA: Hello? Um, no, I don't know why he's avoiding you. Who are you? Oh. (holding out the phone for Al) I think it's for you. (Al shakes his head and goes to the phone.)  
AL: No, Lucia, that ain't my girlfriend. She's my friend's wife and she's like ten months pregnant. (He takes the phone out of the room, despite the cord.)

ANGELA: (hoping someone can explain all this) Bonnie?

BONNIE: (holding out the spoon) Do you think this sauce is too spicy?

MONA: It can never be too spicy for me. (She nonetheless tries it and nods enthusiastically. Sam and Hank enter from outside.)

HANK: Hey, Bonnie, Al called and said you're making a ton of spaghetti. Is there enough for two more?  
BONNIE: Of course.

SAM: So how was the Valentine's dance? (Bonnie looks helpless. Roll closing credits.)


	19. R-E-S-P-E-C-T

_TV Guide_ capsule for Saturday, March 13, 1993:

**9 PM Who's the Boss?—Comedy**

Mr. Vanderhoff returns but may not want to keep working with Angela.

Scene I: The Bower-Micelli living room, a Saturday afternoon in early March

(Tony, Angela, and Jonathan are about to leave through the open front door. Mona is there to say goodbye.)

MONA: Good luck today!

JONATHAN: Grandma, are you sure you don't want to watch us play?  
MONA: Let's see. An hour's drive to Hartford and another hour's drive back? No thanks, I'll watch it on TV.

TONY: (sarcastically) Thanks for your support, Mone.

ANGELA: It's just as well you're not going, because I might get a call today from Mr. Vanderhoff and he doesn't have my cellular phone number. Just my numbers for home and the office.

TONY: Angela, it's the state play-offs today! And a Saturday!

ANGELA: I know, Tony, and I'm sorry, but this is a very important account.

TONY: Well, this is a very important game.

ANGELA: I know, Sweetie, and I really am sorry. He won't necessarily call. But if he does, Mother, please call my cellular phone.

MONA: OK, if it's a boring part of the game. (Tony and Angela shake their heads.)

JONATHAN: Hey, Mom, isn't Mr. Vanderhoff the man who's sponsoring Hank's puppet show on FUN?

ANGELA: Right. And he's still interested in taking it to the national level, but he hasn't interested any of the major networks, cable or commercial, yet.

TONY: Good thing. Considering Hank based all the characters on friends and family.

ANGELA: Well, yes, but Hank did promise me he'd modify them if it goes national.

JONATHAN: I'm kinda glad he killed the "Nathan" puppet off.

MONA: Yes, but now he's introduced a boyfriend for "Rona."

RICHARD: (entering through the door) I love the "Mitch" puppet! And that he's a gardener, that's brilliant!

TONY: Hey, Richard, do you wanna come to the game with us?  
RICHARD: Well, I was planning to watch it with Mona on TV. (holding them up) I brought the stadium blanket and the thermos of hot chocolate laced with whiskey.

JONATHAN: Um, aren't those more appropriate for football? Outside? When it's freezing?

MONA: (sweetly) Shut up, Jonathan. (Roll opening credits.)

Scene II: The same set, a couple hours later

(Mona and Richard are alternately smooching and watching the game, snuggled up under the stadium blanket on the couch.)

MONA: Mmm, nice pass!

RICHARD: Me or the team?  
MONA: In this case, the team.

RICHARD: They are really good.

MONA: Well, Tony's a good coach.

RICHARD: Yeah. Didn't you tell me that one of the kids had a black eye?  
MONA: Yes, I never got the details on that, but he was in some sort of fight two or three weeks ago. Luckily, he recovered in time to practice for the play-offs. Oo, commercial! (They start necking but the phone rings.)

RICHARD: Do you want to get that?

MONA: Not really. (She sighs.) But I did promise Angela. (She gets up and goes to the phone. She shifts into her "secretary" persona.) Bower-Micelli residence, how may I direct your call? (annoyed) Yes, Al, we saw that pass. No, you can't come over and watch the game on this TV. You, too. (She hangs up.)  
RICHARD: Al?  
MONA: Yes. Sam's housemate. Sometimes he acts like he lives here.

RICHARD: Oh, right.

MONA: Anyway, we're wasting a precious commercial break talking about the neighbors.

RICHARD: Then you'd better get back over here as soon as possible. (She smiles at him and starts to return, but then the phone rings again, so she frowns.)

MONA: Just as soon as I give Al a piece of my mind. (She picks up the phone.) Listen, Buster, is it so hard for you to understand that I want to be alone with my fiancé? Oh, sorry, Mr. Vanderhoff. (Richard gives her a sympathetic look.) No, I'm afraid Ms. Bower is away today, but I can pass on any message you'd like. Oh. Ha ha, that's a good one. Yes, I will, and again I apologize. Goodbye, Sir. (She hangs up and makes one of her exaggerated "Mona faces" to indicate that she nearly blew it but saved it.)

RICHARD: Angela's client?

MONA: (as she returns to him) Yes. His "joke" message was that Angela needs to fire her secretary and get someone friendlier.

RICHARD: I've always found you very friendly.

MONA: (snuggling up with him again) Well, I'm not as friendly with Angela's other clients as I am with you.

RICHARD: Good.

MONA: Not that I'd want to be too friendly with Noah Vanderhoff. He's a bit of a buffoon.

RICHARD: But a good client?

MONA: Good enough. Anyway, his real message is that he wants to meet with Angela Monday at 10 a.m., to discuss the next phase of the campaign.

RICHARD: Shouldn't you call her cellular phone?

MONA: She's at the game. It can wait. Besides, as her secretary, I manage her appointments, and I know she doesn't have any meetings or anything at that time.

RICHARD: Well, good.

MONA: The only thing she has scheduled Monday morning is— (She gasps.) Her 9 a.m. appointment with the obstetrician.

RICHARD: Isn't that a little tight scheduling? Doctors never see you on time, obstetricians included, from what I recall with my late wife thirty years ago.

MONA: Right. And not only that, her doctor is in Fairfield, so Angela would never get to Manhattan on time.

RICHARD: Oh. Darling, I think you need to call her. Or call Vanderhoff back.

MONA: (sighing) I'd rather call Angela. (She gets up and goes back to the phone again, this time calling Angela's cell.)

Scene III: The Connecticut high school basketball play-offs, meanwhile

(Angela is cheering with the other fans. Then her cell rings. Instead of glaring at her, the crowd seems intrigued by the novelty of the ringing. She nonetheless looks embarrassed.)

ANGELA: I'm so sorry. Excuse me. (As she makes her way out of the stands and towards the hallway) Hold on, Mother, let me get somewhere quiet. (pause) What's up? Did Mr. Vanderhoff call?

MONA: (in alternating shots, still in the living room) Yes, he did. He wants to meet with you on Monday.

ANGELA: Great!

MONA: Uh, there's just one little problem, Dear.

ANGELA: Oh?

MONA: Well, I didn't have your schedule right in front of me, and I agreed to a meeting an hour after your doctor's appointment.

ANGELA: Mother!

MONA: Well, can't you reschedule the doctor?  
ANGELA: No, not on such short notice, especially over the weekend. Can't you reschedule Mr. Vanderhoff?

MONA: Well, I can try. I really am sorry about this, Angela.

ANGELA: It's OK, Mother. It happens.

MONA: At least the team is doing well. Oh no! That was a stupid move!

ANGELA: Mother!

MONA: Sorry, Angela, I'll let you get back to the game. How could they miss such an easy shot?

ANGELA: Goodbye, Mother.

MONA: Do you want me to call you with the new meeting time?

ANGELA: No, just tell me when I get home.

MONA: All right, Dear. Goodbye. (They hang up.)

Scene IV: The living room, a couple hours later

(Mona and Richard are kissing on the couch again, still under the stadium blanket, although the TV is off.)

RICHARD: (reluctantly stopping kissing) I should probably get going. Your family will be home soon.

MONA: But we didn't finish the hot chocolate.

RICHARD: It's more like cold chocolate by now.

MONA: I can reheat it.

RICHARD: How about I reheat it in your apartment and you meet me over there after you talk to Angela?

MONA: Sounds like a plan. (She sighs.) I don't think she's going to be too happy.

RICHARD: She's a successful businesswoman. She'll understand that it's nothing personal.

MONA: She's also in the eighth month of pregnancy, when everything is personal.

RICHARD: Do you want me to stay here as moral support?  
MONA: No, but I may need comforting when I get home.

RICHARD: I can provide that. (They kiss tenderly.)

MONA: Oh, I hear Tony's car.

RICHARD: (grabbing the thermos) See you soon. (He exits out the back door as Tony, Angela, and Jonathan enter the front door.)

MONA: Hey, great game, you guys! State champions! Congratulations!

JONATHAN: Thanks, Grandma! Did you see that one shot I made in the middle of the second quarter?

MONA: Most of it.

TONY: A little distracted, Mona?  
MONA: A little.

ANGELA: Where's Richard? Did he go home?

MONA: Sort of.

ANGELA: Sort of?

MONA: Never mind that. Tell me more about the game. I mean from the player's/coach's perspective.

TONY: Well, my main strategy was—

ANGELA: Sorry, to interrupt, Tony, but real quickly, Mother, did you reschedule with Mr. Vanderhoff?

MONA: Sort of.

ANGELA: Sort of?

MONA: Well, I wasn't able to change the time, but I was able to change the participants.

ANGELA: Oh?

MONA: Well, he has a very busy week coming up, and that's the only time he has available. So he asked if he could meet with someone else at your company.

ANGELA: Someone else?  
MONA: Well, Angela, this isn't like when you started the agency six and a half years ago. When it was just you and me. You have so many employees and you delegate so much now.

ANGELA: Well, you're right, I suppose. It's just this was an account I was handling personally.

MONA: So handle it personally again after Monday. Meanwhile, Jack is your right-hand man, isn't he?  
ANGELA: Well, yes.

MONA: And when you were in Iowa, you weren't able to meet with the clients at all.

ANGELA: Well, no. But I missed that.

MONA: Angela, it's just one little meeting.

TONY: Yeah, Sweetheart, she's right. And, uh, you may need to cut back soon, right?

ANGELA: (indignantly) I am just as capable as I was seven months ago!

JONATHAN: Mom, maternity leave is not a sign of weakness.

ANGELA: I didn't say that it was. But just because I'm having two babies does not mean I'm no longer the President of the Bower Agency.

MONA: Dear, no one's questioning that. And you did admit, two or three months ago, that you're more tired than you used to be.

ANGELA: Well, maybe a little.

TONY: (putting his hand on her belly) Angela, you've got twins that you're lugging around all day, and nourishing from your body. That's a job in itself. Let people help you.

ANGELA: (sighing) All right. I'll cut back, a little.

MONA: Hallelujah, she's seen the light!

ANGELA: Mother. I'll maybe do fewer hours for awhile, at least till June.

TONY: June? What's in June?

ANGELA: Well, school will be out, and you can stay home with the babies, like we talked about.

TONY: Oh, right. But what about in the Fall?

ANGELA: Well, maybe you can quit at Fairfield High and just do night school at Ridgemont. Or I can mostly work from home till the babies are older.

MONA: You two still haven't settled this?  
JONATHAN: (rolling his eyes) They haven't even chosen baby names yet.

MONA: How about "Mona" for a girl?

ANGELA: I'll add it to the list. (Mona shakes her head.)

TONY: OK, so we're a little behind on some things. But you know we agreed not to find out the babies' sexes ahead of time, so we're just gonna wait till they get here and then look at them and see what names feel right.

MONA: You are? Angela had "Jonathan Michael" picked out in her second month, and she had his astrological chart done by the time they left the hospital.

JONATHAN: You believed in astrology back then?

ANGELA: (shrugging) It was the '70s. And you are very Aquarian in some ways, although with a Virgo moon of course.

JONATHAN: Of course.

MONA: Well, Dear, your two little Aries will probably appreciate it if you don't work yourself to death in the next couple months. And maybe start focusing more attention on getting ready for them.

ANGELA: (nodding) I'll try.

MONA: Good. (picking up the stadium blanket) Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a little tailgate party to attend. (They shake their heads at her incorrigibility. Cut to commercial.)

Scene V: The Bower Agency reception area, late Monday morning

(Mona is at her desk, on the computer. Angela dashes through the front door as fast as she can in her condition.)

ANGELA: Mother, I got here as quickly as I could!

MONA: Dear, gynecology is not something to rush.

ANGELA: I didn't. But I drove as quickly as I could instead of waiting for the train. Is Jack's meeting with Mr. Vanderhoff over yet?

MONA: I think they're just finishing up. (Jack and Mr. Vanderhoff enter from the meeting room, laughing and shaking hands.)

JACK: I think we're going to work very well together, Noah.

MR. VANDERHOFF: Me, too, Jack. I appreciate you taking over the account.

ANGELA: (in boss-lady mode) Excuse me?

JACK: (self-consciously) Oh, hi, Angela.

MR. V: Hello, Angela. I think it's very sensible of you to turn over my account to someone who can devote himself fully to it.

ANGELA: Oh?  
MR. V: Yes, so many of you career gals, when you're expecting, well, you treat it like just one more item on the agenda. But you, Angela, realize that this is nature's way of telling you to slow down. (Angela looks like she's about to tell off both men.)  
MONA: (as a warning to her daughter) Yes, Angela has always been very sensible. (Angela gathers herself together to be calm and professional.)

ANGELA: Well, here at the Bower Agency, we want to provide the best service for our clients.

MR. V: That's why I'm glad I chose your agency. (shaking her hand) Best of luck with the babies, and see you next year.

ANGELA: Next year?

MR. V: When your maternity leave is over. (chuckling) I know you career gals, even you, Bower, and you'll be back by the time your twins are walking.

ANGELA: (trying not to grit her teeth) Yes, probably.

MR. V: Thanks again, Everyone. Even you, Mona.

MONA: Ha ha.

MR. V: Jack, I'll see you next week.

JACK: (waving, as Mr. Vanderhoff exits) Looking forward to it!

ANGELA: (still trying to be calm and professional) Jack, may I speak to you in my office?  
JACK: Of course, Angela. (She storms into her office.)

MONA: (looking at her computer) Let's see, how do I pull up your file with your next of kin on it?

JACK: Mona, Angela is a rational professional. She wouldn't—

ANGELA: (angrily offscreen) Jack, I'm waiting!

JACK: She wouldn't chop me up into too many pieces, would she? (Mona shrugs. Jack reluctantly goes into Angela's office.)

Scene VI: Angela's office, a moment later

(Angela is sitting at her desk, fuming. Jack enters and closes the door behind him.)

ANGELA: Now, Jack. I'm not going to lose my temper. I'm going to sit here quietly and patiently while you explain exactly why you stabbed me in the back.

JACK: Angela, I know it looks like I stole the account, but it wasn't like that. I told Mr. Vanderhoff you'd be happy to keep working on it. But he was pleased with my presentation and he thought that I may as well continue on, especially now that the campaign is entering a new phase.

ANGELA: I see.

JACK: Look, Angela, I'm sorry. But haven't you always told me that the most important thing is to keep the client happy?

ANGELA: I was keeping him happy!

JACK: And now he wants me to keep him happy.

ANGELA: I see.

JACK: Look, Angela, I know you're not going to take a year off. But Mona did say you're going to have to start cutting back your hours.

ANGELA: She said that, did she?  
JACK: Vanderhoff needs someone who's available at any time. And your attention is going to be divided for awhile.  
ANGELA: I see.

JACK: I mean, it's not sexist, is it, to acknowledge that your contribution to the agency is going to change now? It's just like when you went to Idaho to be with your fiancé.

ANGELA: Iowa.

JACK: Right, sorry. In a different way, you'll, well, you'll be in another state.

ANGELA: True. Well, Jack, if it's not sexist for Vanderhoff to prefer you to me, maybe we should put Shirley Grant on the account.

JACK: Shirley? But it's my account!

ANGELA: Now, now, Jack. There's no point in getting emotionally attached to an account. Shirley loves videogames and I think she'd be perfect for Noah's Arcade.

JACK: But, Angela!

ANGELA: (picking up the phone) Excuse me a moment, Jack. (She punches in Mona's extension.) Mother, could you call Mr. Vanderhoff and tell him that Jack will no longer be handling his account? Who, me? Of course not! I'm a frail little flower who's waiting to bud. Tell him Shirley Grant will be representing the agency now. OK. And come right in afterwards and tell me what he says. (She hangs up.) You were saying?

JACK: Look, Angela, I can understand if you're upset, but this is completely different.

ANGELA: Oh, how so?

JACK: Well, there's a reason for you not to work on the account. There's no reason to take me off of it.  
ANGELA: Jack, the way I'm feeling right now, you're lucky I'm not firing you.

JACK: Oh.

ANGELA: Look, Jack, you are a very valuable part of this organization and I appreciate all you do around here, but never forget that this is still my agency, and I make the big decisions.

JACK: Of course. (pause) But shouldn't you have discussed this with Shirley before having Mona call Vanderhoff?

ANGELA: Well, let's see what Mr. Vanderhoff has to say about it first. After all, he may still prefer you. Or maybe Shirley won't want the account after all.

JACK: Then can I have it back?  
ANGELA: We'll see. (Someone knocks.) Come in.

MONA: (entering the room) Well, I reached Mr. Vanderhoff on his cellular phone.

ANGELA: And?  
MONA: I told him about the change in his account.

JACK: (nervously) What did he say?

MONA: He's fine with Shirley as long as she's not pregnant.

ANGELA: (crossing her arms) Thank you, Mother. You proved my point.

MONA: Do you want me to go ask her?  
ANGELA: Mother!

MONA: About taking the account I mean.

ANGELA: No, upon due consideration, I've decided he and Jack deserve each other.

JACK: Uh, thank you.

ANGELA: Just do your best work. Make the Bower Agency proud.

JACK: I will. And thank you for understanding.

ANGELA: Oh, I understand perfectly. (He nods and exits.)

MONA: Do you want me to call Mr. Vanderhoff back?

ANGELA: No, let Jack take care of it. After all, he's the man. Men understand each other.  
MONA: Dear, I know that this has been an unpleasant experience for you. And, yes, both Jack and Mr. Vanderhoff acted inappropriately in not having more faith in you. But they do sort of have a point. It'll be up to you how much you have to cut back now, but you do have to cut back.

ANGELA: (sighing) I know. I'm not a Superwoman. It's just that I've always been so driven.

MONA: I know, Dear. You were the only one in kindergarten who cried over coloring outside the lines.

ANGELA: I wanted it to be perfect!

MONA: I know. But, Angela, if the last decade has taught you anything, surely— (As Rita Wilson looks in) Shirley, hello.

ANGELA: Shirley, what's up?

SHIRLEY: Sorry to bother you, but what's this I hear about you cutting back on your hours?

ANGELA: It's true. And, yes, that means more opportunities for you. And the others.

SHIRLEY: Oh. Gee, I wish this was happening at another time.

MONA: Well, Shirley, Angela can't exactly reschedule this.

SHIRLEY: No, I understand. Well, I guess my fiancé and I can postpone things.

ANGELA: You're getting married?

MONA: Ha, I win the office betting pool! What month?

SHIRLEY: Well, that's sort of up to Angela.

ANGELA: Me?

SHIRLEY: Yes, my fiancé understands how important my work is to me. And we're already living together, so the wedding isn't as urgent as it could be. So you let us know what works for you.

ANGELA: Oh, gee, that's very considerate of you. My own mother didn't even consider my pregnancy when scheduling her wedding.

MONA: Well, it's only fair, Dear. You made me reschedule mine years ago.

ANGELA: (blushing) Yes, well. But anyway, Shirley, surely—I mean, obviously, unless you're planning something to rival a royal wedding, it's not going to take up that much of your time, is it?

SHIRLEY: Well, no, but there's the two weeks' honeymoon. And the being a distracted newlywed for a few months like you were. And the—

ANGELA: (blushing more) OK, thank you, Shirley. We'll talk about this tomorrow.

SHIRLEY: All right. See you later. (She exits.)  
MONA: Hm, let's see, if I schedule my honeymoon, and then the being a distracted newlywed phase—

ANGELA: Mother, you've never concentrated on your work. I don't think I'll be able to tell the difference.

MONA: You're a heartless woman, Angela Bower-Micelli.

ANGELA: Yeah? I wonder where I got that from. (They laugh and then hug. Cut to commercial.)

Scene VII: Tony and Angela's bedroom, that night

(They're cuddling in bed, as he caresses her stomach.)

TONY: So I guess naming a son Noah or Jack is out?  
ANGELA: Right.

TONY: We could give them videogame names.

ANGELA: What, like Zelda?

TONY: I was thinking Mario and/or Luigi. After all, those are good Italian names.

ANGELA: Mario Micelli. Luigi Micelli. Zelda Micelli.

TONY: So you want them to have Micelli as a last name? No hyphenated Bower-Micelli, or Micelli-Bower? Or Robinson-Micelli I guess it would be, since Robinson is your maiden name.  
ANGELA: Tony, the main reasons why I hyphenate my last name are, one, I made my name in the advertising world as Angela Bower, and two, I'm still Jonathan's mother, as well as soon the mother of our twins.

TONY: No, that makes sense.

ANGELA: Not that Zelda Robinson-Micelli doesn't have a ring to it.

TONY: Well, we could go old-school. How about Pong?

ANGELA: I don't think so.

TONY: Pac-Man? Ms. Pac-Man? Centipede?

ANGELA: Frogger?

TONY: I got it! Q*bert!

ANGELA: With the asterix?

TONY: (scooting down the bed) Of course.

ANGELA: Perfect. Of course his teachers will hate us.

TONY: (kissing her belly) Goodnight, Little Q*bert. Goodnight, Baby Tetris.

ANGELA: Tetris?  
TONY: Yeah, that one's good because it could be a boy or a girl's name. (She laughs and then strokes his hair. He looks up at her and smiles. Roll closing credits.)


	20. She's Leaving Home

_TV Guide_ capsule for Saturday, March 20, 1993:

**9 PM Who's the Boss?—Comedy**

Mona explains to Ernie why Sam has moved back home.

Scene I: The Bower-Micelli kitchen, late morning on a Saturday

(Mona is sitting reading a bridal magazine, when Ernie the water man enters from outside, with a large full bottle.)

ERNIE: (setting the bottle down) Hey, Mona, I haven't seen you in awhile. But I heard the news about your engagement. Congratulations!

MONA: Thank you.

ERNIE: So a bridal magazine, huh? Are you planning a big wedding?  
MONA: No, I just like to ogle the male models.

ERNIE: (shaking his head) Your husband is gonna have a hell of a time taming you.

MONA: He's not even going to try. (Sam enters in a ratty bathrobe, her hair a mess, and looking like she's been crying.)

SAM: (to Ernie) Oh, it's you.

ERNIE: Good to see you, too, Samantha.

MONA: I'll let you know if he shows up, Dear.

SAM: I don't care. (She exits back through the swinging door.)

ERNIE: What's that about?  
MONA: You got an hour?  
ERNIE: Let's say half an hour. Maybe twenty-four minutes, not counting commercials. (Roll opening credits.)

Scene II: The same set, in a flashback

(Mona is sitting reading a different bridal magazine and wearing a different outfit. The screen is frozen initially.)

MONA: (in voiceover) It all started a couple weeks ago. I was sitting here in the kitchen, when Sam came in, all excited... (The screen unfreezes and Sam excitedly enters from outside.)

SAM: Mona, I've got the best news ever!

MONA: Oh?

SAM: Yes, do you remember that internship I applied for with a record company?

MONA: Vaguely.

SAM: Well, you know I've been thinking about going into music management ever since I managed Al's band.

MONA: I sort of knew that.

SAM: Well, anyway, this is a wonderful opportunity to really get to know the music business from the inside.

MONA: Congratulations! Is it paid?

SAM: Well, no, but it'll look great on a résumé when I graduate. And even if I don't go into that exact field, it'll still be useful experience.

MONA: Well, I'm all about gaining experience. (Sam shakes her head but is amused. Bonnie enters through the swinging door.)

BONNIE: Oh, hi, Sam. Are you coming over for dinner tonight, or do you want to wait till I get home for dinner there? (It takes Sam a moment to process this.)

SAM: I'm eating at home. But I do want to ask you a big favor.

BONNIE: What's that?

SAM: Could you make a special dinner for my internship supervisor?

BONNIE: Oh, you got the internship? Congratulations!

SAM: Thank you.

BONNIE: When did you want the dinner?

SAM: Tomorrow night, if possible.

BONNIE: Oh, gee, that's kind of short notice. I don't know if I could make dinner for here and there in the same night if one of them is a special dinner.

MONA: Sam, you don't mind if we join you, do you?

SAM: We?  
MONA: Tony, Angela, Jonathan, and I.

SAM: Well, I guess that would be OK. Do you mind dinner for nine, Bonnie?  
BONNIE: It's still easier than two separate dinners.

MONA: And after all, Sam, Tony is going to want to meet your supervisor.

SAM: (sighing) True. He still thinks of me as a kid. Of course, he might not be too happy once he meets the supervisor.

MONA: What's wrong with the supervisor?

SAM: Well, John is very nice but he is good-looking and single.

MONA: How is that something wrong?

SAM: I mean that Dad might be overprotective even though I'm happily married, and John is older.

MONA: How much older?  
SAM: Mona, you're engaged!

MONA: Not for me, Sam. For Bonnie.

BONNIE: Oh, gee, Mona, I don't think you should try to fix me up with Sam's supervisor, that's just asking for trouble.

SAM: Yeah, especially since John was interested in Angela three years ago. (They stare at her. Freeze-frame.)

Scene III: The same set, back to the present

ERNIE: Three years ago? Was this around the time of Tony's little misadventure with his classmate?

MONA: Exactly. Do you remember how Angela had Tony's study group go to a hotel to study, while she entertained a couple of clients?

ERNIE: Of course. And then the study group shrunk down to two.

MONA: Right. Well, Angela had the account for Encanto Records, and she charmed both of its vice-presidents, John and Peter. In the aftermath of Tony's all-nighter, when Tony decided to do the gentlemanly and boneheaded thing of actually trying to have a relationship with Kathleen, I encouraged Angela to not mope at home but to go out and have fun dating other men.

ERNIE: I remember. She was dating that guy Christopher for awhile. He was great!

MONA: Yes, and Tony was thoroughly jealous, just as I hoped.

ERNIE: Yeah. And she went out with Peter for a longer while. But what about John?

MONA: They flirted, but I don't think anything happened there.

ERNIE: Well, then it's a good thing it was him instead of Peter that became Sam's supervisor.

MONA: Yes and no.

Scene IV: The front porch of the Harpers' house, the night of the dinner party

MONA: (in voiceover) We arrived for the dinner party a little early, thanks to Tony. (Mona, Tony, Angela, and Jonathan, all dressed up, arrive on the doorstep.) I of course looked fabulous.

TONY: So, Angela, tell me more about this guy.

ANGELA: Tony, there's not that much to tell. He knows the music business and he laughed at my jokes.

MONA: So he has a bad sense of humor.

ANGELA: Thank you, Mother.

TONY: And he's flirtatious, right?  
ANGELA: (obviously uncomfortable) Well, a little. But no more than most people in show biz.

TONY: (suspiciously) Uh huh.

JONATHAN: Can we ring the bell now or are we going to spend the whole night on the porch? (Tony is annoyed but he rings the doorbell. Everyone freezes.)

MONA: (in voiceover) John Petrie was right on time for dinner.

Scene V: The Harpers' dining room, a few minutes later

(Like the rest of the Harpers' house, it's a mirror image of Angela and Tony's. Everyone is seated except Sam, who's ushering John Petrie in, and Bonnie's who's putting food on the table. The four housemates have all dressed up, except of course Al.)

SAM: Everyone, this is John Petrie, my supervisor. (They all greet him, ad-libbing "nice to meet you" and similar, except for Angela and Tony.)

TONY: We've met.

JOHN: Of course. And who could forget Angela?

ANGELA: Nice to see you again, John.

JOHN: Thank you. Oh, and Peter says hello.

ANGELA: (trying not to feel awkward, or to activate Tony's jealousy) Great.

MONA: (in voiceover) So dinner was a little awkward.

ERNIE: (in voiceover) I can imagine.

MONA: But you know my credo: the best way to fight embarrassment is with more embarrassment. And I'd told Jonathan to pretend he was seven instead of seventeen and ask an awkward question.

JONATHAN: So is it nepotism if you're not getting paid?

MONA: (still in voiceover) This broke the ice. (Everyone looks embarrassed and then they can't help but start laughing. They all freeze.)

ERNIE: So it sounds like it went OK. Where's the problem?

MONA: There was no problem for awhile. Everyone accepted John Petrie as Sam's supervisor and seemed to like him. But then one night when I was entertaining my fiancé….

Scene VI: Mona's apartment, about a week after the dinner party

(Mona and Richard are smooching on her couch. Someone knocks.)

RICHARD: Did you want to answer that?

MONA: Of course not.

RICHARD: Just thought I'd ask. (They go back to smooching.)

HANK: (offscreen) Mona, are you home? I really need to talk to someone.

MONA: (sighing) Excuse me, Richard. I need to go perform one of my step-grandmother-in-law-ly duties. (Richard looks amused but sympathetic. She gets up and goes to open the door.) Hank, why can't you go talk to your wife?

HANK: Because this is about Sam.

MONA: Then why can't you talk to Tony?  
HANK: Because this is about Sam and her supervisor.

MONA: Then why can't you talk to Al?

HANK: I'm not taking relationship advice from Al!

MONA: Bonnie?

HANK: No, she's Sam's best friend.

MONA: (sighing) Come on in.

HANK: Thank you. Oh, hi, Richard. Hey, you were married, weren't you?  
RICHARD: Well, not recently, but yes.

HANK: Good. Then you'll have the male perspective to back me up, while Mona tells me what the hell Sam is thinking.

RICHARD: Uh, I'll be glad to.

MONA: Trouble with the newlyweds?  
HANK: We're not newlyweds anymore. We've been together over a year.

MONA: So is this the thirteen-month itch?

HANK: Well, I'm not itchy.

MONA: But you think Sam is having someone else scratch her?

HANK: Of course not!

MONA: Well?

HANK: But I think she's getting itchy.

MONA: Oh? Why?

HANK: Well, she's always talking about how smart and funny and hip "John" is. And it's always "John," never "Mr. Petrie."

MONA: Well, it's show-biz. Fat, balding men with cigars call each other Sweetheart. Of course they also do that in certain bars in Greenwich Village.

RICHARD: Mona's right. (They look at him.) I don't mean about the bars. I'll take your word for that, Darling. But so far, Hank, you haven't told us anything that suspicious about Sam.

HANK: Wait, there's more. She's been coming home late a lot.

MONA: Well, my husband Robert came home late a lot. He was always "busy at the office."  
HANK: And he never had an affair?

MONA: No, I did. (Hank looks shocked, Richard unfazed.)

HANK: (whispering) You did?

MONA: Yes, I felt neglected. I'm not proud of my affair, but I did finally confess it to Robert. We talked things out and I was faithful from then on. And he was much more attentive.

HANK: Well, I don't want things to get to the point of me or Sam having an affair.

MONA: Then talk to her.

HANK: I tried but she accused me of being jealous.

MONA: Aren't you?

HANK: Yes, but I wouldn't be if she didn't keep giving me cause!

RICHARD: What else has she done?  
HANK: OK, see if you think I'm overreacting when you hear this. He wants her to go with him to Hollywood over Spring Break.

MONA: I see.

RICHARD: Well, what are the circumstances?

HANK: Some big music industry awards ceremony. Not the Grammys, those were in February, but something almost as big.

RICHARD: Did he invite her as his date?

HANK: Not exactly.

MONA: Not exactly? How does that work?

RICHARD: Yeah, dating is like pregnancy. You're either doing it or you're not.

MONA: Unless you're Tony and Angela from 1985 to '91.

RICHARD: Good point.

HANK: She would be his "arm candy." (He shudders at the phrase.)

MONA: Well, that could be harmless. I've gone to lots of events simply as "the attractive companion."

HANK: And you never fooled around with any of those men?  
MONA: I didn't say that.

HANK: Great.

RICHARD: Hank, maybe you are overreacting.

HANK: Am I? I mean, if this ceremony were in New York, I wouldn't mind so much. But she's going to fly out there to California and stay in the same hotel with him for three nights.

RICHARD: Three?  
HANK: Yes. There's the pre-party and then the party and then the after-party.

MONA: That doesn't mean anything, Hank. They're not staying in the same room, are they?  
HANK: Well, no.

MONA: Adjoining?

HANK: No.

MONA: Adjacent? Across the hall? On the same floor?

HANK: I didn't get room numbers and floor plans!

MONA: Hank, look, if Sam, who is by the way still as crazy about you as she was a year ago, wanted to have an affair, she'd have an affair. People who want to cheat find the opportunity. I did. Tony did.

RICHARD: I thought you said that wasn't cheating when Tony did it.

MONA: Po-tay-to, po-tah-to. I didn't think of it as cheating. He and Angela hadn't made any sort of formal commitment to each other. Well, OK, we found out later that South Carolina thought they were formally committed, but we didn't know that at the time. Still, he thought of it as cheating, and so did she. And ultimately, that was what really mattered.

HANK: So if I think I have a reason to be jealous, then that's reason enough?  
RICHARD: I think what Mona is saying is you should discuss your jealousy in a calm, reasonable way. Then Sam can reassure you that you have no reason to be jealous.

HANK: And what if I'm still jealous?  
MONA: Then you can go get advice from Tony and Angela, since they seem to thrive on jealousy.

HANK: (sighing) OK, I'll talk to Sam. What have I got to lose? (Freeze frame.)

MONA: (in voiceover) So Hank went home and talked to Sam. Then an hour later….

Scene VII: The same set, an hour later

(Mona and Richard are again smooching on her couch. Someone knocks.)

RICHARD: You're going to answer that, aren't you?  
MONA: Afraid so. (She sighs and gets to her feet.) I don't know why Hank feels the need to report back how it went. I don't urgently need to know.

SAM: (offscreen) Mona, are you home?

MONA: (as she goes to the door) I'm guessing it didn't go well. (She opens the door to Sam, who has a suitcase.) At all well.

SAM: Mona, what did you tell Hank?  
MONA: I just told him to talk to you about his jealousy.

SAM: You did, huh? Well, now he's making all sorts of accusations!

MONA: Oh. Um, Dear, about the suitcase. You're not thinking of moving back in here, are you?

SAM: No, right now I'm too mad at you to want to live with you.

MONA: Oh, darn.

SAM: I just stopped off here on my way back home.

MONA: Home as in the Harpers' house?  
SAM: No, as in home to Father.

MONA: Uh, Sam, you do know they turned your old room into a nursery, don't you?

SAM: I know. I told Angela back in December that I was fine with it. After all, when would I ever need it again? (She bursts into tears. Freeze-frame.)

Scene VIII: The kitchen set, back to the present

MONA: Well, of course she hadn't told Tony and Angela that she was "coming home." And they weren't too happy about it of course. But _la famiglia _is everything to Tony, and this was his little girl crying on his doorstep. After she left my doorstep I mean. So they got her old bed down from the attic and moved it into Jonathan's old room.

ERNIE: But wasn't that a problem for Tony and Angela? I mean, they're still kind of newlyweds themselves. And rumor has it that pregnancy hasn't slowed them down much.

MONA: True, and, yes, they felt self-conscious with Sam down the hallway, when they'd gotten used to living on the top floor on their own. Also, Tony being Tony, he tried to patch things up between Hank and Sam.

Scene IX: The Bower-Micelli living room, after Sam has been "home" a couple days

(Sam and Hank are sitting in the chairs next to the couch, not making eye contact. She has her arms crossed and he's tapping his foot impatiently. Tony is sitting in the middle of the couch, waiting for someone to say something.)

TONY: OK, Hank, you feel that Sam hasn't considered your feelings. And, Sam, you feel that Hank isn't trusting you or letting you pursue your career.

SAM: Sam also feels that her father is putting words in her mouth.

HANK: And Hank feels like words just make everything worse.

MONA: (in voiceover) Tony tried everything he could think of. He tried psychodrama.

TONY: OK, Sam, you're Hank the day he suggested you two get married too young. (They both glare at him.)

MONA: He tried puppets. (We see Hank and Sam holding up two of his puppets and using them to argue.) He even tried Pictionary. (Sam furiously, in the senses of both angrily and quickly, draws a picture and then holds it up so that the audience can't see it but Tony and Hank can. Hank shudders as if it's horrific. Tony grabs it out of Sam's hands and crumples it up. The screen freezes.) But it just led to Hank storming out and Sam crying.

ERNIE: (in voiceover) But what was happening with this Petrie guy all this time?

MONA: Well, this is how Sam told it to me, but I don't have any reason not to believe her.

Scene X: John Petrie's office at Encanto Records, a day after Pictionary

(Sam and John are listening to rock music at full blast. He's rocking out, but she's subdued. After awhile, he notices her and he turns off the music.)

JOHN: Sam, what's bothering you?

SAM: Nothing.

JOHN: Come on, I may not be the brightest guy in the world, but you are not the bubbly, enthusiastic intern you were a week ago.

SAM: Well, it's personal.

JOHN: Sam, Sam, Sammy. I told you to not just think of me as a boss but as a friend. Now, come on, what's wrong?

SAM: Well, it's so ridiculous. But Hank is jealous of you.

JOHN: Ridiculous?

SAM: I mean, no offence. You're very attractive. But I'm married and you're older than my dad.

JOHN: Oh, of course.

SAM: Anyway, I tried to tell Hank that there's nothing going on, but he thinks your intentions are, how did Dad put it yesterday, "less than pure."

JOHN: Well, there's not a lot of purity in the music industry.

SAM: Well, no, but when we go to Hollywood next week, it's going to strictly professional, isn't it?

JOHN: That depends.

SAM: Depends?  
JOHN: Well, it sounds like your marriage is on shaky grounds. So if you need some comforting and companionship—

SAM: (shocked) You sleazeball! So Hank is right! You just chose me so you could try to seduce me.

JOHN: (holding his hands up defensively) Now, come on, Sam, it's not like that.

SAM: Oh, what is it like?

JOHN: Well, two and a half years ago, Peter told me that Angela's housekeeper had a bright young daughter who was interested in music. And, yes, he mentioned how pretty you were.

SAM: (disgusted) I was barely 18 then! And he was dating Angela!

JOHN: Well, he wasn't after you himself. He just mentioned it once at the time. And then again when your application showed up.

SAM: So that is why you chose me.  
JOHN: Let's say that it didn't hurt your chances. But you'd married in the meantime, and I respect the institution of marriage.

SAM: You do, do you?  
JOHN: Of course. Ask any of my ex-wives. Or their accountants.

SAM: Ha ha.

JOHN: Look, I would never pursue a happily married woman. But you don't seem too happy lately.

SAM: I was till you came into my life!

JOHN: Hey, it's not my fault if your marriage can't handle a few challenges.

SAM: A few challenges?

JOHN: I swear to you, Hollywood was just going to be business. But it doesn't have to stay that way.

SAM: Listen, Mr. Petrie, find your arm some other candy, because I quit!

JOHN: Sam, we could've made—

SAM: If you say "beautiful music together," I will punch you.

JOHN: I was actually going to say "unforgettable memories."  
SAM: You know, I think I'll punch you anyway.

JOHN: Sam, don't make me call Security.

SAM: It's OK, I can see myself out.

Scene XI: The kitchen set, back to the present

MONA: And that brings us up to today.

ERNIE: But what happened to Sam and Hank? Did she apologize? I'm guessin' he didn't forgive her.

MONA: Sam sent Bonnie with a message to Hank, saying they should talk, but so far he hasn't responded. And Sam has that Micelli pride, so she doesn't want to go grovel, especially since she feels that she's not really at fault.

ERNIE: You know what the real problem is here?

MONA: Everyone who lives on this street except me is an idiot?  
ERNIE: Well, you're not wrong. But I was thinkin', the trouble really started back in October.

MONA: October?

ERNIE: Yeah, that's when Hank and Sam moved out of your apartment and into the Harpers'.

MONA: Ernie, if you're suggesting I move out of my place and into Sam's old room again, forget it. I never wanted to move in there to begin with.

ERNIE: Nah, you can't move into Sam's old room because it's a nursery now.

MONA: Then Jonathan's old room? Or Tony's? (She frowns.)

ERNIE: Maybe, but let me ask you somethin'. Where are you and your fiancé gonna live once you get married?

MONA: Well, we hadn't really decided. OF course I could move in with him. But—well, this is something I've only told Angela, and only once, when I thought I might die. I want to live near my little girl. We need each other. That doesn't mean I want to live under the same roof, particularly not on the same floor, with her. But she's going to be giving me grandbabies soon and I want to be close by, to make sure she's OK, and to spoil the kids rotten.

ERNIE: Hey, Mona, I'm gettin' misty here!

MONA: Sorry. I also want to be around to laugh when she makes a mess of things trying to be a middle-aged mother of twins.

ERNIE: That's more like it. So what if Sam and Hank, once they make up of course, move into your apartment, and you and the fiancé move next door to the Harpers'?

MONA: I don't want to live with Al! I wouldn't mind Bonnie. She's a great maid!

ERNIE: No, Mona, I meant you and—Richard, is it?  
MONA: Yes.

ERNIE: You and Richard rent the whole house and those four kids move over here.

MONA: Over here?

ERNIE: Yeah. You got a piece of paper?

MONA: (she hands him a napkin) Here. (He puts it on his clipboard and takes out a pen.)

ERNIE: OK, there are let's see, how many bedrooms over here? Counting your apartment.

MONA: Um, four upstairs, plus Billy's old room. And my place makes six.

ERNIE: Perfect! (writing on the napkin) You've got two couples—not counting you and Richard because you'll be at the Harpers—two single people, and three kids, although the twins will share of course. That makes six bedrooms, counting the nursery. And then Jonathan will be away at college in a few months, and Al and Bonnie aren't gonna live here forever, right?

MONA: Uh, right.

ERNIE: See, this way, Sam and Hank will have a little more privacy, and that'll be good for their marriage, but at the same time they'll be closer to her dad and stepmom, which'll be good, because they're not ready to be too independent.

MONA: Considering that they were only next door, I don't think the problem is—

ERNIE: Of course, Tony and Angela won't have much privacy, with Bonnie and Al living on the same floor. And then I know Al isn't gonna wanna live so close to babies. (crossing things out and then drawing arrows) What you really need to do is move Tony and Angela over to your apartment.

MONA: But—

ERNIE: Now I know what you're gonna say. What about the nursery? After all, they went to the time and expense of remodeling and decorating it. Well, this is just a temporary fix. In the Fall, Jonathan goes to college. We move Tony and Angela back into her old bedroom. The twins go in the nursery. Al moves into Jonathan's downstairs room. Sam and Hank go over to your place.

MONA: What about Bonnie?

ERNIE: Well, maybe she can move back with her folks. Or we could marry her off to Al.

MONA: I don't think so.

ERNIE: I got it! She's your live-in maid.

MONA: I already suggested that.  
ERNIE: Oh. Or here's an idea— (Hank enters from the outside.)  
HANK: Um, hi, Mona, is Sam home?

MONA: In the living room, watching a Molly Ringwald marathon.

HANK: Cool! (He exits through the swinging door.)  
MONA: Made for each other, I'm telling you.

ERNIE: So you want me to suggest the new living arrangements to your family?  
MONA: Um, not to hurt your feelings, Ernie, but I don't think napkin blueprints would be very convincing.

ERNIE: Oh, if that's the problem, give me a couple hours. (He hoists the water bottle into the dispenser and waves goodbye. Mona waits till he exits before she goes to eavesdrop at the swinging door. Cut to commercial.)

Scene XII: The living room, a couple hours later

(The room is in darkness except for the light of a slide projector, manned by Ernie. Mona and Richard are in the chair on the left of the screen, Sam and Hank in the chair on the right, Jonathan on the floor and Bonnie, Angela, Tony, and Al are sitting on the couch, in that order.)

ERNIE: …And this is Option D. (They all oo and ah, like it's fireworks.)

ANGELA: Ernie, I've been in advertising for twenty years, and this is the most beautiful slide presentation I've ever seen!

TONY: Yeah, you're being wasted in water.

ERNIE: Water is my life!

TONY: Ay, no offense.

SAM: I can't believe we're letting a water man plan our living arrangements. No offense, Ernie.  
ERNIE: None taken. Anyway, I'll leave you hard copies of the plans and you can mull them over.

JONATHAN: I have a question.

ERNIE: Shoot.

JONATHAN: Isn't this a violation of Sam's and everyone's lease with the Harpers? (Pause as they all let this sink in.)

ERNIE: OK, now in this slide, the Harpers are represented by a blue cylinder…. (Roll closing credits.)


	21. Movin Out

_TV Guide_ capsule for Saturday, April 3, 1993:

**9 PM Who's the Boss?—Comedy**

Everyone starts to adjust to the reshuffling of living arrangements.

Scene I: The Bower-Micelli kitchen, early on a Friday evening

(Bonnie is cooking dinner. Jonathan enters through the swinging door.)

JONATHAN: Um, hi.

BONNIE: (turning to look at him) Hi.

JONATHAN: Um, so tomorrow's the big move, right?

BONNIE: Right. We could've moved yesterday, on the 1st, but that was a Thursday.

JONATHAN: And April Fool's Day.

BONNIE: Right. Not a good omen. And everyone agreed that we might as well wait for the weekend.

JONATHAN: Makes sense. So, um, how do you feel about the move?  
BONNIE: Well, I thought it was a little crazy when Ernie first suggested it, but I like the two houses equally. I am a little confused about how I'm going to keep house for people who've mostly moved out, but we'll just see how it goes.

JONATHAN: Yeah. (pause) And, um. (whispering in case anyone might overhear) Us? What does this to us?  
BONNIE: Which us?  
JONATHAN: You and me us.

BONNIE: Oh. Right.

JONATHAN: I mean, we'll be living under the same roof.

BONNIE: Well, yeah, but I'll be upstairs with my housemates, and you'll be downstairs. And we won't really be seeing each other much more than we do now.

JONATHAN: I guess. But it will still be weird.

BONNIE: Maybe we should— (Al enters from outside, with a measuring tape. Jonathan and Bonnie have drifted closer together as they talked, and now they put more space between them. Also, she goes back to cooking.)

AL: Ay, how's it goin'?

JONATHAN: Good. How are you?  
AL: Can't complain.

JONATHAN: Uh, what's the measuring tape for?  
AL: I'm gettin' Tony's room, right? Well, I gotta get an idea of how it compares to my room at the Harpers'.

JONATHAN: Oh. Uh, which room will be yours, Bonnie?  
BONNIE: Your old room. It made most sense to give Angela and Tony's room to Sam and Hank, since it's the biggest.

JONATHAN: Right.

AL: (oblivious to the undercurrents) Well, see ya later. (He exits through the swinging door.)

Scene II: The Bower-Micelli living room, a moment later

(Tony is sitting on the couch, grading homework. Al enters through the swinging door.)

AL: Ay, how's it goin'?

TONY: Not bad. You?

AL: Can't complain.

TONY: Uh, what's the measuring tape for?

AL: Gonna check out your room before I move in.  
TONY: (as it sinks in) Oh. (Al heads upstairs. Tony looks lost in thought. Then Angela, very obviously now in the ninth month of pregnancy, enters the front door, coming home from work. Tony as always leaps up to greet her, although he's gentler with her now because of her condition.) Hey, Baby, how are you?  
ANGELA: Tired, achy, hungry.

TONY: Well, Bonnie's making dinner. And after dinner, I'll give you a nice bath and massage.

ANGELA: Oh, Tony, you are the sweetest husband in the world!

TONY: Well, I've got the best wife in the world, so why not? (They kiss.) But you do need to cut back on work, like we talked about, remember?  
ANGELA: I have been. And I'll work from home next week.

TONY: Good. And I don't want you to lift a finger during the move tomorrow.

ANGELA: Oh, God, the move! Why does that have to be so soon?  
TONY: Well, it'd be tougher after the babies are born, right?

ANGELA: (sighing) Right.

TONY: (with his arm around her) Come on, let's get you onto the couch and I'll massage your feet before dinner.

AL: (coming back downstairs) I hope you wash your hands before you eat. (They both look annoyed.)

ANGELA: On the other hand, it'll be nice to have a place of our own. (Tony nods. Roll opening credits.)

Scene III: Various locations on Saturday morning

(A montage of the assorted households and individuals moving in and out, set to the chorus of Billy Joel's "Movin' Out." Chaos as people collide and drop things and argue. Angela tries to watch quietly but we can see she wants to organize things.)

Scene IV: The Micelli-Bower kitchen, now with new occupants, lunchtime

(Sam, Hank, Al, Bonnie, and Jonathan are sitting around the table, eating pizza out of the box.)

AL: Ay, this reminds me of Valentine's Weekend. (They all look at him, Sam and Hank puzzled, Jonathan and Bonnie worried.)  
SAM: Valentine's Weekend?  
AL: Uh, yeah, when I went to Brooklyn. I ate a lot of pizza.

SAM: Oh. Yeah, I miss Brooklyn pizza sometimes. Connecticut pizza just isn't the same.

BONNIE: (eager to keep the topic off Valentine's Weekend) Which do you like best? The kind you get from a restaurant or home-made?

SAM: Well, the best pizza is probably Mrs. Rossini's.

BONNIE: Maybe I could get the recipe from her.

SAM: (shaking her head) Even Dad can't recapture that magic.

BONNIE: Oh.

HANK: (suggestively) Speaking of recapturing magic, Sam.

SAM: Oh, right. Uh, excuse us. We need to, um, unpack.

AL: Great, here we go again.

SAM: Excuse me?  
AL: Well, I figured when Ernie suggested this move, me and Bonnie wouldn't have to sleep on the same floor with youse guys anymore.

HANK: Al, I thought that you understood that Sam and I would be getting Tony and Angela's room.

AL: I got confused by the slide show.

BONNIE: It was pretty dazzling.

AL: Hey, why can't I take Billy's old room and then Jonathan can have his old room? And then Bonnie can move into Tony's room.

BONNIE: Why should you live downstairs while I'm stuck up there with them?

JONATHAN: Hey, wait a minute, I've lived here longer than any of you! Shouldn't I have some say about who gets my bedrooms?

AL: Geez, how selfish can you get?

SAM: OK, since no one wants to be on the same floor with me and Hank, why don't we move down to Billy's old room?

HANK: But, Sam, Tony and Angela's room has the picture window and the fireplace! And its own bathroom with a tub!

SAM: Yeah, but we'll have more privacy downstairs. All that room is next to is Angela's study, and she's only in there when she's working from home.

HANK: True. And the beaded curtain Tony hung up in the downstairs bedroom is a cool retro touch.

JONATHAN: Wait a minute, if you're moving into my new room, where am I going?

SAM: To your old room of course. Then Al can still have Dad's room. And I guess Bonnie gets Dad and Angela's room.

AL: You lost me.

SAM: You want a slide show?  
AL: No thanks. But wait a minute, why does Bonnie get the nice big room with the fireplace and everything?

SAM: Because Bonnie is my best friend.

BONNIE: (realizing what moving Jonathan upstairs might mean) Um, thanks, Sam.

HANK: Well, maybe Jonathan should have it. After all, it was his mother's bedroom all those years. And he's right, he did grow up here.

JONATHAN: No, let Bonnie have it. I'm fine with my old room. And it's chivalrous for the girl to get the nicest room.

AL: If you say so.

Scene V: Various parts of the house, after lunch

(A montage of Sam and Hank moving downstairs, trying not to collide with Jonathan moving from downstairs, and then Bonnie moving out of Jonathan's old room and into Angela's old room, while trying not to collide with Jonathan moving back to his old room, while Al stands in Tony's doorway and apparently makes unhelpful suggestions.)

Scene VI: The living room of Mona's former apartment, now Tony and Angela's

(Tony is unpacking and putting things away, while Angela sits on the couch with a list, crossing things off.)

TONY: Isn't this fun?

ANGELA: Fun?

TONY: Yeah, well, you probably didn't have this with Michael, but this reminds me of starting out with Marie. Not that our little apartment on Pitkin Avenue was as nice as this.

ANGELA: Mother did do a good job with the decorating all those years ago. And Sam and Hank fortunately didn't change it much.

TONY: Yeah. It's classy but cozy. (Coming over to the couch.) And just think, Angela, in two or three weeks, it'll be you and me and our babies. (He sits down and they snuggle up.)

ANGELA: That does sound nice. I mean, I love our larger family of course, but it'll be good to focus on just you and me and the twins. (They kiss tenderly, and he strokes her stomach.)

TONY: Yeah, we'll be removed one step from all the craziness, but close enough to keep an eye on things.

ANGELA: Yes.

TONY: Do you think they're doin' OK over there?

ANGELA: Tony! It's only been a couple hours since we left!

TONY: I know, but maybe they need more help with the moving.

ANGELA: They'll be fine. There are five of them.

TONY: Good point. Five young people with no back trouble.

ANGELA: Yes. How's your back by the way?  
TONY: It's OK. I might soak in the hot tub later.

ANGELA: (wistfully) I wish I could join you.

TONY: Well, in another month or so, you can.

ANGELA: Yes. And then a few weeks after that, we can, you know.

TONY: Yeah. I'm gonna miss you.

ANGELA: I'll miss you, too. (She sighs.)

TONY: Well, you know, there are other things we can do.

ANGELA: (smiling) I like the other things, too.

TONY: (smiling back) Me, too.

ANGELA: (shaking her head) You know, I never had this conversation with Michael. After Jonathan was born, Michael was off shooting zebras in Botswana.

TONY: That's awful! Aren't they endangered?

ANGELA: (laughing) Filming the zebras.

TONY: Oh, that's better. Although still pretty rotten. I mean, you'd just had a kid and he was gone and— (He frowns.)  
ANGELA: What's wrong?  
TONY: I did the same thing to Marie and Sam. Well, not with zebras. With cubs.

ANGELA: As in Chicago?

TONY: Yeah. There was a big game a week later. Marie encouraged me to go, and I went.

ANGELA: Tony, that's not the same thing. You weren't gone for months at a time like Michael was.

TONY: Yeah, but I still missed out on a lot of moments.

ANGELA: Well, you've been a very devoted father to Sam, and Jonathan, for years.

TONY: Well, thank you. But I've been thinkin', Angela. Maybe I should stay home with the twins, full time. At least while they're babies.

ANGELA: But you're still getting your teaching career going!

TONY: Think about it, Angela. It's not any different than all those female teachers who take time off to raise kids.

ANGELA: Well, no, but I've been thinking. Maybe I should stay home with the babies, at least the first year or two.

TONY: But what about your agency?

ANGELA: With modern technology, I can stay in touch much more easily than I could seventeen years ago with Jonathan. I could work from home a few hours a week. And maybe you, or someone else, could look after the babies if I have to go into the City for a meeting that can't be handled remotely.

TONY: Yeah, I guess. But wait a minute! Are we both staying home with the babies?

ANGELA: We could. I mean, we have savings. And Sam and the others are paying us a nominal rent.

TONY: Yeah, well, we gave them a family discount.

ANGELA: And two babies might be twice as much work.

TONY: Yeah. And that would be great to share all their little moments together, not have to wait till the end of the day to tell the other one, or bother them at work. Or both of us hear about it from the babysitter.

ANGELA: Exactly. I know this wouldn't work for every couple, but it might work for us.

TONY: Well, it's not like we've ever done anything the way a normal couple does. (She laughs and then they kiss.) Let's see how the rest of the school year goes. I'll take off what time I can, even though Fairfield High doesn't have a "paternity leave."  
ANGELA: OK. And then there'll be the summer, and we'll both work as little as possible, and then figure where we'll go after that.

TONY: Yeah, we might end up getting on each other's nerves, both being home all day.  
ANGELA: We might. To be honest, I am a little nervous about living alone with you.

TONY: Nervous?  
ANGELA: Well, for almost nine years, we've had the buffers of Mother, Samantha, Jonathan, and all the people who drop by.

TONY: Well, this isn't exactly a desert island.

ANGELA: No, but we will have more uninterrupted moments. At least till the babies are born.

TONY: I thought that was the idea.

ANGELA: It was. It is. But doesn't it feel strange being alone together now, knowing no one can just walk in?  
TONY: I think it feels great.

ANGELA: Oh, sure, now it does. We're still in the "playing house" phase. But what about when it's you, me, and two screaming infants?

TONY: You're so sentimental. That's why I love you. (She laughs.)

ANGELA: OK, I'm sorry.  
TONY: No, I know what you mean. Marie and I would sometimes get on each other's nerves. Not like you and Michael apparently. But we had a few arguments. But, see, Italians think of that as healthy.

ANGELA: And WASPS think of that as irreconcilable differences.

TONY: Well, don't tell Father Marconi this, but I think sometimes there's a good reason to get divorced. You and Michael weren't right for each other. You and I are.

ANGELA: (smiling) We are, aren't we?  
TONY: You bet we are! And we'll get through the rough spots, like we always have. (She nods and then they kiss.)  
ANGELA: Do you think Mother's doing all right?  
TONY: An-gel-a! One, she's only next door, and two, she and Richard were smart enough to hire professional movers who'll even do the unpacking and putting things away.

ANGELA: True. She was afraid of damaging her manicure.

TONY: Mona will always be OK. And she's got someone new to look after her, so you can let go a little.

ANGELA: I'll try. But I think I'm going to suffer empty-nest syndrome even more over her than over Jonathan.

TONY: I know, Baby, I know. But right now I think it's time for you to let me to take care of you. (They give each other The Look, more than ever filled with lust and tenderness and love. Cut to commercial.)

Scene VII: The upstairs hallway, that night

(No one is around and then Jonathan, dressed in a robe and pajamas, exits his old room, looking around to see if the coast is clear. He goes to his mother's old bedroom and knocks quietly.)

JONATHAN: (whispering) Bonnie, are you awake?

BONNIE: (offscreen whispering back) Jonathan, is that you?

JONATHAN: Uh, yeah, who else?

BONNIE: Wait a moment. (Pause and then she opens the door. She's wearing a long sleepshirt with Garfield on it.) What's up?  
JONATHAN: Well, I just wanted to make sure you were settling in all right.  
BONNIE: Oh, yes, it's a great room! Especially with the remodeling that Hank's father and his crew did.

JONATHAN: Yeah.

BONNIE: I made a few little changes. Do you want to see?

JONATHAN: Uh, maybe I'd better not.

BONNIE: Jonathan, we agreed nothing's going to happen, even with us living in the same house.

JONATHAN: I know. And I wouldn't want it to happen in there anyway.

BONNIE: Why not? It's a very romantic bedroom.

JONATHAN: Uh, yeah. But it's my mom's bedroom. She was with Tony in there. Not to mention my dad.

BONNIE: Oh, right. That would be a little weird for you.

JONATHAN: I don't see why it wasn't weird for Sam when she and Hank were going to be in there.

BONNIE: Well, maybe it was and she just didn't want to say anything. After all, she's the one who suggested moving into your room. I mean your downstairs room.

JONATHAN: Right. And now I'm up here. On the same floor with you.

BONNIE: Well, your mom and Tony managed to live platonically, well, mostly platonically, on this floor with each other for seven or eight years. I think we can manage the four or five months till you go off to college.

JONATHAN: Yeah, but it's different with us because we're— (Al exits from Tony's room, wearing an undershirt and sweatpants.)

BONNIE: Oh, um, hi, Al. Did we wake you?  
AL: Nah, I didn't even know you were whispering till I woke up. You don't gotta whisper.

JONATHAN: OK. Um, so what did wake you up?

AL: Hunger. I'm gonna raid the fridge. You want anythin'?  
JONATHAN: No, I'm good.

BONNIE: Nothing for me.

AL: OK. (He looks at them, wondering what they're up to, but deciding that food is more important. He heads downstairs. They wait till his footsteps fade before they resume their whispers.)

BONNIE: You see, Jonathan? It's not as if we're alone up here.

JONATHAN: Well, Al isn't much of a chaperone.

BONNIE: No, but even if you wanted to spend the night in my room—

JONATHAN: I'd rather you spent it in mine.

BONNIE: Jonathan!

JONATHAN: I mean if we were going to spend the night together.

BONNIE: Well, we're not. Not before you're 18. But even if we did, we'd have to worry about Al catching us.

JONATHAN: What if Al was out all night? Like on a date, or visiting Brooklyn or something?  
BONNIE: Then we would go downstairs and watch a movie or something.

JONATHAN: Could we cuddle on the couch?  
BONNIE: Jonathan!

JONATHAN: You wouldn't be arrested for snuggling jailbait.

BONNIE: No, but then Sam or Hank or anyone could walk in on us in the living room.

JONATHAN: So what exactly are you comfortable with?  
BONNIE: Now that we're living together and the situation has changed?  
JONATHAN: Yeah, like could I sneak a kiss while Al is downstairs in the kitchen?

BONNIE: Well, I suppose that would be all right. (They kiss, tentatively at first, as if they're sure Al will come back at any minute. Then they throw themselves into it.)

Scene VIII: The bedroom of Tony and Angela's new apartment, meanwhile

(Tony is apparently asleep, but Angela isn't. She glances at him and then carefully slips out of bed. She puts on her robe and her shoes.)

TONY: (opening his eyes) Going somewhere?

ANGELA: Tony, you startled me!

TONY: Yeah, well, you surprised me. You don't usually put on your outdoor shoes for a midnight snack.  
ANGELA: OK, you caught me. I want to work on the Anderson account for a couple hours, and I work best in my study in the main house.

TONY: It can't wait till morning?  
ANGELA: Well, also I'm having trouble sleeping.

TONY: Because of the babies or because of the new bedroom?

ANGELA: A little of both.

TONY: Well, how about I go over there with you?

ANGELA: Tony, I'll be perfectly safe crossing the driveway.

TONY: I know. But I, well, I miss my kitchen!

ANGELA: Oh, Sweetheart!

TONY: I missed it when I was in Iowa, but I accepted that I couldn't get at it. Now it's just across the driveway, tantalizing me!

ANGELA: Oh, that's exactly how I feel about my study!

TONY: How about I make you a light meal while you're working?

ANGELA: That's very sweet of you. Of course, we'll have to be very quiet, so we don't wake the kids.

TONY: Well, it is still our house, we have the right to be there.

ANGELA: Yes, but I don't think most landlords drop in without notice like this, especially so late.

TONY: Well, we just won't make a habit of it.

ANGELA: I won't have the energy once the babies are born. (He chuckles and then sighs at the truth of this.)

Scene IX: Billy's/ Jonathan's/ Sam &amp; Hank's bedroom, meanwhile

(Sam and Hank are making out.)

SAM: Isn't this nice? Not having to be so quiet?

HANK: Yeah, but I was looking forward to that fireplace.

SAM: I'll keep you warm. (They go back to making out. Then he stops.) What's wrong?

HANK: I thought I heard someone in the kitchen.

SAM: They're probably getting a midnight snack. We'll just be a little quieter while they're downstairs.

HANK: OK. (They make out some more.)

Scene X: The kitchen, meanwhile

(Al takes something out of the refrigerator, dumps it in a bowl, and then pops it in the microwave, sets the time, and starts it up. Then Tony and Angela enter from outside, both with robes and shoes over their nightwear.)

AL: Ay, what's up?

TONY: I'm gonna cook something.

AL: That's OK, you don't gotta bother. I just put something in the microwave.

TONY: (irritably) For Angela.

AL: You can't use the kitchen at Mona's? You did when you stayed there over Valentine's Weekend.

ANGELA: I'm going to work in my study for an hour or so.

AL: It can't wait till morning?  
TONY: Al, never argue with a woman who's nine months pregnant. (Angela smiles and kisses his cheek.)  
ANGELA: See you in a little while. (She exits through the swinging door.)

TONY: (as he rummages through the cupboards) So how's it goin' over here?  
AL: You've only been gone like fifteen hours. How much could change? (Then he remembers the redistribution of the bedrooms, as well as the odd vibe between Jonathan and Bonnie. But Tony doesn't notice Al's changed facial expression because he's happy about getting to cook in "his kitchen" again.)

Scene XI: Angela's study, a few minutes later

(Angela is typing on her computer, lost in thought. Then she looks up suddenly, as if she heard something.)

ANGELA: (to herself) Jonathan must have the radio on or something. Well, at least it's not a school night.

SAM: (just audible, offscreen) Oh, that's good!

ANGELA: (in a shocked whisper) Sam's in Jonathan's room! And it sounds like— No, I won't jump to conclusions.

SAM: Oh, just a little lower!

HANK: (just audible, offscreen) There? How's that?

ANGELA: (more shocked) Jonathan is with Sam and Hank?

SAM: Hank, did you hear something?

HANK: I told you someone was in the kitchen.

SAM: Now it sounds closer. (Angela sits as quietly as she can, not sure what to do in this awkward situation. Then someone knocks on the study door.)

TONY: (offscreen) Angela, do you want me to bring you the food or do you want to wait till you take a little break?

ANGELA: (not bothering to keep her voice down now) Actually, Tony, I'm finding it hard to concentrate over here. Why don't we just go back to the apartment?  
TONY: Yeah, OK, if you want.

ANGELA: I'll be out in a minute.

TONY: OK, I'll wait in the kitchen.

ANGELA: Great! (She shuts down her computer and then goes over to the wall.) Sam, Hank, I don't know what you're doing in Jonathan's room—

SAM: We swapped rooms.

ANGELA: Oh. Well, have a goodnight. Sorry to have disturbed you.

HANK: It's OK. (They all exchange goodnights through the wall. Then she shakes her head and exits her study.)

Scene XII: The upstairs hallway, meanwhile

(Jonathan and Bonnie are still standing in the hallway, now necking.)

BONNIE: Jonathan, this is crazy!

JONATHAN: I know!

BONNIE: Al's going to be back any minute!

JONATHAN: We need to stop.

BONNIE: I know.

JONATHAN: Or go to my room. (She pulls away.) Sorry. I didn't mean to say that out loud.

BONNIE: Jonathan, this is not going to work, living on the same floor with each other.

JONATHAN: I know. But how are we going to get Sam and Hank to move back up here?

BONNIE: I don't know.

JONATHAN: What about—? (Al returns, with a bowl of whatever it was he microwaved.)

AL: Ay, you two still talkin'?

JONATHAN: Uh, yeah. Bonnie had the same English teacher as I have this semester, so she has lots of good advice.

AL: Oh. Well, goodnight.

B &amp; J: Goodnight, Al. (He hesitates whether to mention Tony and Angela's visit, then decides not to. He waves and goes into his room.)

JONATHAN: Um, I guess I'd better not ask for a goodnight kiss. (She nods then sticks out her hand to shake. He smiles a little and shakes it. Cut to commercial.)

Scene XIII: Mr. and Mrs. Harper's/ Sam and Hank's/ Mona and Richard's bedroom, the next morning

(Mona and Richard are snuggling.)

MONA: So what do you think of our new place?

RICHARD: I like it, but I'd like anywhere with you. (They kiss. The phone rings. They sigh, annoyed.) Do you want to get that or should I?

MONA: Well, just a guess but it's more likely for me.

RICHARD: Oh?  
MONA: Yes. I knew that Angela and the rest of them couldn't survive without me even 24 hours. No doubt some crisis has broken out that they want me to solve.

RICHARD: Well, at least they called rather than visited.

MONA: True. Of course, I could try ignoring it, but then they will visit. (She reaches across Richard for the phone, making him smile. He strokes her hair, making her smile. But she reluctantly settles back against her pillow.) Hello? Oh, it's you. Of course but— OK, why don't you drop by for lunch? All right, see you then. You, too, Dear. (She hangs up and passes the receiver back to Richard, who hangs it up and then looks at her.)  
RICHARD: What was that about?

MONA: I'm not sure. Bonnie asked if she could talk to me later, in person, about something.

RICHARD: Oh, I wonder if it's about the little crush Jonathan has on her.

MONA: Oh, you noticed that, too?  
RICHARD: I'm surprised Tony and Angela haven't.

MONA: Please. It took them seven years to see that they were crazy about each other. But it sounds like this is something that needs to be dealt with a lot faster than seven years. (Roll closing credits.)


	22. Signed, Sealed, Delivered

_TV Guide_ capsule for Saturday, April 10, 1993:

**9 PM Who's the Boss?—Comedy**

Mona's getting hitched, but will it go off without a hitch?

Scene I: Tony and Angela's apartment over the garage, a Monday evening

(Angela is trying to work on an account at the coffee table, despite her advanced state of pregnancy. Someone knocks. She decides it's more trouble than it's worth to get up off the couch.)

ANGELA: Come in!

MONA: (opening the door) You don't even ask who it is?

ANGELA: Mother, I'm used to people, you included, dropping into the main house without even knocking.

MONA: (closing the door behind her) True. But I didn't want to barge in in case you were napping or—Good God, Woman, are you still working?  
ANGELA: Mother, I just need to finish up the Anderson account and then—

MONA: Angela Katherine Micelli, you are due to have a baby this month! When are you going to ease up?

ANGELA: This is easing up, for me. I promised Tony I won't go into the office this week, and you're supposed to be keeping an eye on things at work. And Jack will call if any—

MONA: (shaking her head) I guess I'll have to settle for this.

ANGELA: So how was work?  
MONA: Fine, but that's not what I want to talk to you about.

ANGELA: Oh?

MONA: How would you like to join me at a little gathering I'm having this coming Saturday?  
ANGELA: Mother, I'm not feeling particularly social right now. And I went to a housewarming at the Harpers' just five months ago.

MONA: This isn't a housewarming. (lowering her eyelids demurely) It's about making a home.

ANGELA: Mother! You're getting married on Saturday?

MONA: Well, I told you it would probably be before the babies are born, and time's running out on that.

ANGELA: But why can't you wait six months or a year, now that you're living with Richard?

MONA: You want me to continue to live in sin? (Angela rolls her eyes.) Why are you always so difficult about my weddings?

ANGELA: It was different with Max. You were marrying him for the wrong reasons.  
MONA: And now you're not happy with the timing. Fine, if you don't want to go on Saturday, don't go.

ANGELA: Mother, don't you think you're being a little unfair?

MONA: Then I guess I won't ask you to be my matron of honor.

ANGELA: (touched) Oh, Mother!

MONA: Then you will?  
ANGELA: Of course. But I don't have a dress or— (suddenly remembering) Mother, I'll look ridiculous at this stage of pregnancy!

MONA: No one's going to be looking at you. They'll be looking at the blushing bride. (Tony enters, coming home from baseball practice at the high school.) Hey, Coach!

TONY: Hey, Mona.

MONA: (turning to go) See you Saturday.

TONY: Saturday?  
ANGELA: Mother has decided that's the ideal day to get married.

TONY: But I've got a game then!

MONA: (shaking her head) You people and your priorities. (She heads down the stairs.)

TONY: What was that about?  
ANGELA: I was less than enthusiastic about the timing of the wedding.

TONY: I don't blame you. This is almost as bad as Sam rushing into marriage. Well, at least Mona's not eloping.

ANGELA: Right.

TONY: (shaking his head) Remember how we had to drive to that little chapel?  
ANGELA: Yes, and Mrs. Rossini had all that shellfish.

TONY: Yeah. So where's this wedding going to be?

ANGELA: Um. (Roll opening credits.)

Scene II: The same set, Wednesday afternoon

(Angela is trying on a forest green maternity dress. Bonnie is standing there with needle and thread.)

ANGELA: Bonnie, I really appreciate you altering this dress, and on such short notice.

BONNIE: Well, I am your maid.

ANGELA: Yes, but this wasn't exactly in your job description in November.

BONNIE: (laughing) Well, there have been a lot of surprises since I took this job. (She's suddenly self-conscious, thinking of Jonathan, but Angela doesn't notice since she's looking in the mirror.) Uh, what do you think? Of the dress I mean.

ANGELA: I look ridiculous.

BONNIE: I'm sorry.

ANGELA: No, no, you've done a lovely job. I just look ridiculous, being in a wedding party when I'm this pregnant.

BONNIE: Well, I think you look beautiful.

ANGELA: (giving her a quick side-hug) Aw, you're so sweet!

BONNIE: (quietly) Thank you. (trying not to think about her guilt) So it fits OK?

ANGELA: Yes. And thank you for leaving it loose and comfortable.

BONNIE: Well, I know you're not too thrilled about this wedding happening right now, so I wanted you to at least enjoy the dress.

ANGELA: That's lovely, Sweetheart, really.

BONNIE: Thank you.

ANGELA: What are you going to wear?

BONNIE: Oh, I don't know. Just a dress. Mona asked me to be maid of honor, you know since Sam is already married, but I don't want to be part of the wedding party. I'm happy just to be a guest.

ANGELA: I don't think that's the only reason. You really are part of this family now.

BONNIE: Thank you.

ANGELA: You don't have to keep thanking me, Bonnie.

BONNIE: OK. Um, but I should go, if the dress is OK. I have to study for a test.

ANGELA: All right, see you later.

Scene III: The Harpers' living room, Friday evening

(Mona and Bonnie are sitting on the couch.)

BONNIE: Mona, I really appreciate you taking the time to worry about my problems, when you've got a wedding tomorrow.

MONA: (waving her hand dismissively) Eh, I've had a wedding before. And it was a lot more complicated than this one.

BONNIE: Well, it's still really nice of you.

MONA: Well, it's not like it doesn't affect me. You are involved with my grandson after all.

BONNIE: (blushing) We're not exactly involved.

MONA: You made out in your p.j.s and you're having trouble keeping your hands off each other. That's pretty involved.

BONNIE: (still blushing) I don't want you to think it's just physical.

MONA: Dear, I'm the last person who would judge you if it were. But I can tell that you and Jonathan really like each other, care for each other. Still, he is a 17-year-old boy who's never had a serious girlfriend before. You're wakening things up in him he doesn't know how to handle. And from the sound of it, you don't either.

BONNIE: Well, I've got my own feelings to deal with, but, yes. Since I'm the older person, and the girl, I'm trying to be mature, to keep us from getting carried away. But I don't know how to deal with it now that we're sleeping just feet away from each other.

MONA: It's really too bad you can't talk to Angela. She knows all about self-restraint.

BONNIE: (nodding) I wish I could talk to her. I feel so guilty when I'm around her!

MONA: Bonnie, you've done nothing wrong. Yes, Angela will be upset when she finds out, but she's always been overprotective of Jonathan.

BONNIE: Then I can't ever tell her!

MONA: Aren't you forgetting that she'll soon have two little distractions?

BONNIE: So Jonathan and I should tell her after the babies are born?

MONA: Well, not right away. But maybe after he goes off to college. She'll have to separate from him then anyway.

BONNIE: OK. But that's still months away. What are we supposed to do in the meantime?

MONA: Well, I've been giving this some thought this week, ever since we talked on Sunday. And I think you should house-sit for me and Richard.

BONNIE: House-sit?  
MONA: Yes, we're going on a two-month honeymoon. Not right away. We're going to wait till after the twins are born, since I want to see my grandbabies. And we'll come back in time for Jonathan's graduation. Would it help if you were sleeping over here again?  
BONNIE: I think so. Except, well.

MONA: Yes, Dear?

BONNIE: Well, when Sam, Hank, Al, and I were renting the house, they were all here. Now it's going to be just me all alone. And that might be a worse temptation.

MONA: Tell him that I forbid you to have men, or in this case boys, over in my absence.

BONNIE: Uh, I don't think he's going to buy that coming from you.

MONA: What if Richard forbids it?  
BONNIE: Um, no.

MONA: Damn! I guess we should've built up our image as stern grandparent figures. Well, too late now. (Bonnie laughs.) OK, tell him the truth, that you still want to wait till he's 18 and that if you do anything before then, especially in an otherwise empty house, his mother will never forgive either of you.

BONNIE: OK, I can try that I guess.

MONA: Thank God! (Bonnie looks at her.) Well, for eight years I gave Tony and Angela sensible advice about each other and they hardly ever listened. I guess there's hope for the next generation. (Bonnie laughs again, then she sighs.)

BONNIE: What do I do in June, when you come back?  
MONA: We'll deal with that then. (The doorbell rings.) Are we good? Everything talked out?

BONNIE: I think so.

MONA: (getting up and going to the door) Good, because I have to greet a couple of out-of-town guests who are staying here tonight so they can attend the wedding. (She opens the door to her brothers Archie and Cornelius, played by Gordon Jump and James B. Sikking respectively.) Jughead! Cornball!

ARCHIE &amp; CORNELIUS: Mony! (They both hug her. Then she turns to Bonnie.)  
MONA: Bonnie, I'd like you to meet my little brother Cornelius (she looks up at him towering over her) and my big brother Archie. (She playfully slaps his belly.) Boys, this is Sam's best friend Bonnie. (The two men and Bonnie ad-lib pleased-to-meet-yous.)

BONNIE: Mona, I've got to be getting home. I'll, well, see you at the wedding.

MONA: (giving her a quick hug) You'd better! (Bonnie smiles, lets go, and then exits.)

ARCHIE: I didn't think you were inviting anyone extra to the wedding.

MONA: Please, Jughead, let's not get started on wedding invitations.

CORNELIUS: Is this about you not inviting Mother? (Mona stares at him.)

MONA: Why would I invite a dead woman?  
ARCHIE: Dead? Mother isn't dead!

MONA: But her lawyer showed up a couple months ago and said she was.

CORNELIUS: This sounds like some sort of scam.

MONA: But he had a death certificate and everything!

ARCHIE: How much money did he want?

MONA: None. (sinking onto the couch) I'm very confused.

CORNELIUS: You're confused? Archie thinks you're marrying the president of a sperm bank.

MONA: I am marrying the president of a sperm bank.

CORNELIUS: Very funny, Mony. No, really, what does he do?

MONA: Well, he meets with couples and single women who want babies—

CORNELIUS: You're serious?

MONA: Yes.  
ARCHIE: I told you!

CORNELIUS: Oh, well. Sorry. So where is our future brother-in-law? Archie also said you're shacking up with the guy.

MONA: Well, only since Saturday. And he's at a bachelor party at the hotel where his uncle, son, and best man are staying.

ARCHIE: So we don't get to meet him till at the wedding?

MONA: Sorry.

CORNELIUS: OK, one last thing Archie said. Angela got married in Atlantic City in September, and she's going to have twins in the next couple weeks?

MONA: Also true.

CORNELIUS: Shy, conservative Angela?

MONA: Yes, shy, conservative Angela.

CORNELIUS: I don't believe it!

ARCHIE: (chuckling) Wait till you tell him who Angela married!

Scene IV: The ladies' room of the chapel where Sam and Hank got married, late Saturday morning

(Angela, Sam, and Bonnie are helping Mona get ready. They ad-lib about how wonderful she looks, and she does, in a silver wedding gown. Angela is wearing the forest green dress. Sam is wearing a blue floral dress. And Bonnie has her pink Valentine's dress. Someone knocks.)

AL: (offscreen) Ay, let me in!

SAM: Al, this is the ladies' room

AL: Yeah, but I still gotta do her hair!

MONA: It's OK, let him in.

BONNIE: Um, it's a little crowded.

ANGELA: I'll leave. Then you can fit five more people in here. (looking at Mona) I figured I'd do the fat joke before you had a chance.

MONA: See, you always find a way to ruin my weddings. (Angela shakes her head but gives her mother a quick hug and then exits, letting Al in on her way out.)

Scene V: The main part of the chapel, meanwhile

(The men, except Al of course, are standing around, as Richard makes introductions.)

RICHARD: ...And this is my Uncle Martin, my son Eddie, and my best man David. (They're played by respectively Ray Walston, Brandon Cruz, and Lou Ferrigno. They shake hands with Tony, Hank, Jonathan, and Cornelius.)

TONY: (as Angela comes over) And this is my wife, Angela. Mona's daughter.

ANGELA: Pleased to meet you.

EDDIE: Congratulations on the twins! Dad told us. I guess this makes me a step-uncle or something.

MARTIN: I shudder to think what this makes me.

DAVID: That's a great dress, Angela. Green suits you.

ANGELA: Thank you. (The minister comes over and does a double-take at Angela.)

MINISTER: Well, it looks like you got here just in time!

TONY: (putting his arm around Angela) No, this is the daughter of the bride.

MINISTER: Then this wedding is definitely overdue.

RICHARD: It's a second wedding for both of us actually.

MINISTER: Ah, the groom I presume?

RICHARD: Yes. And this is Tony, the son-in-law of the bride, and—

AL: (as he enters) OK, we can get this started now.

MINISTER: And who's that?  
RICHARD: The bride's hairdresser.

MINISTER: Ah. (The wedding march starts. Everyone takes their place. Bonnie comes in and looks for a seat. Jonathan looks at her as if he wants her to sit next to him. She's tempted but goes across the aisle. He tries to hide his disappointment. Sam enters and sits next to Hank. They hold hands and it's clear they're remembering their own wedding there. Mona enters on Archie's arm.)

ARCHIE: I seem to remember giving you away like this after Dad died.

MONA: (nodding) I'll only ask you every forty years or so. (He chuckles. They arrive at the altar and he steps back. She smiles at him and then beams at Richard.)

MINISTER: Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today to join these two, Richard Peter Johnson and Mona Rockwell Robinson, in the bonds of holy matrimony. If there's anyone here who can think of any reason why these two should not be married, speak now—

ANGELA: OH GOD NO!

MONA: (annoyed) Angela! Not now! I know you think I haven't known Richard long enough but I really love him and—

ANGELA: No, Mother, I'm going to have a baby!

MONA: (trying to be patient) Yes, Dear, you told me in October. But I'm getting married right now.

ANGELA: No, I mean I'm going to—Oh God! (Tony leaps to his feet and rushes to her.)  
TONY: Sweetheart! How close are the contractions?

ANGELA: I don't know!

MINISTER: Are they far enough apart that I can finish? (They all look at him.) Well, I am heavily booked today.

MONA: We'll reschedule. I've got to get my kid to the nearest hospital. (Cut to commercial.)

Scene VI: The waiting room of the nearest hospital, that evening

(Everyone except Mona, Tony, and of course Angela is waiting. Al is playing poker with Richard, Richard's family, and Mona's brothers. Hank is making sock puppets for the twins. Sam and Jonathan are pacing, in opposite directions.)

BONNIE: Will you two sit down? Your pacing is making me nervous.

JONATHAN: You're nervous? My middle-aged mother is having twins right now!

SAM: And my middle-aged father is probably going crazy seeing the woman he loves go through this!

HANK: (speaking gently and going to her) You're thinking about your mom, aren't you? (She nods and bursts into tears. He strokes her back, even though he's got sock puppets on his hands.) This is different. Angela doesn't have your mom's health issues. She's going to be fine.

JONATHAN: She's 42, almost 43.

BONNIE: (wishing she could hold him and comfort him) Hank's right. She's going to be fine.

JONATHAN: (quietly) Thank you. But I'm still worried.

BONNIE: Of course. (Mrs. Rossini enters.) Mrs. Rossini!

MRS. R: Hi, Bonnie! Everybody! I got here as soon as I could.

SAM: (going to her and hugging her) How did you know?  
MRS. R: Al called me. And I'm not gonna ask why he was invited to Mona's wedding and I wasn't.

RICHARD: Uh, it was kind of short notice.

MRS. R: But you were invited? Who are you?

RICHARD: The groom.

MRS. R: Oh. Well, congratulations.  
RICHARD: Thank you. But we, uh, had to postpone it for a little while. (Mona enters, in scrubs over her wedding gown. Everyone demands to know what's happening, and Richard goes to her and hugs her.)

MONA: Angela is fine. Well, she's in labor but it's going all right.

RICHARD: (knowing Mona and knowing how much she loves Angela) And how are you?

MONA: (gratitude in her eyes although her voice gives little away) I could use some coffee.

RICHARD: I'll get you some. (He exits.)

MRS. R: So, Mona, a new husband and new grandkids? Congratulations!

MONA: (a little guiltily) Thank you, Carmella.

MRS. R: Now, I know you've got a lot going on right now, but I wanted to give you a traditional Italian wedding gift.

MONA: Oh, you don't have to do that!

MRS. R: I insist. (She reaches into her purse and brings out a wad of bills.)

MONA: Money?  
AL: Yeah, that's what they give at Italian weddings, cash. Of course, it's probably not worth it, since you gotta get married to get it.

MRS. R: (as she hands the money to Mona) You'll change your mind someday, Al. When you meet the right girl.

AL: Yeah, that'll happen.

MRS. R: So, Bonnie, are you seein' anyone? (Bonnie doesn't know what to say. Then Richard returns with the coffee. Mona hands him the money.)

RICHARD: Uh, Darling, the coffee isn't that pricey.

MONA: (taking the coffee) Carmella will explain. I've got to get back to Angela. (Everyone ad-libs good wishes. The camera follows Mona out to the hallway, where she drinks the hot coffee like she's downing alcohol. We see the fear and concern for Angela that Mona didn't want to expose in front of the group. Then she sighs, pulls herself together, and heads back to the delivery room.)

Scene VII: The delivery room, meanwhile

(Angela is in labor, but we only see her from the shoulders up. Tony is next to her, holding her hand.)

ANGELA: (exhausted, scared) Tony, I can't do this! It's too hard!

TONY: (scared for her but trying not to show it, and as always wanting to encourage her) Baby, I know, but you're doin' great! You're almost there!

ANGELA: I want my mommy!

TONY: Mona's gonna be right back. She's just getting some coffee.

ANGELA: Don't you leave me, Tony!

TONY: Never, Sweetheart, never!

WOMAN DOCTOR: Come on, Mrs. Micelli, push!

ANGELA: It hurts!

DOCTOR: It's going to hurt more if you don't push. (Angela looks annoyed but then she uses this feeling to gain her second wind. Sounds of Angela's labor, and the doctor and Tony encouraging her. And then the baby's cry.)

TONY: (stunned even though this is what they've been waiting for) Oh God, is that—?

DOCTOR: That's your son, Mr. Micelli.

TONY: (starting to cry with joy) My son? Angela, did you hear that? We've got a son!

ANGELA: (still annoyed) Yeah, I was there.

DOCTOR: Uh, congratulations.

TONY: (to the doctor) She's usually very sentimental. You just caught her on a bad day. (Mona enters and tosses her coffee cup into the trash.)

MONA: OK, what did I miss?

ANGELA: My mother abandoned me while I was bringing her another grandson into the world!

MONA: Sorry, Dear, but I'll be here for the next twin.

DOCTOR: Mrs. Robinson, can you hold the baby? We're all a bit preoccupied.

MONA: (taking the baby, whom the nurse has already cleaned up and put in a blanket) Of course. Oo, you are a cutie, aren't you?

DOCTOR: OK, Mrs. Micelli, the second twin is going to be easier.

ANGELA: IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE COMFORTING?

MONA: Dear, don't upset the baby. (Now Angela is annoyed at Mona, so she uses that emotion. Dissolve to indicate the passage of time, probably less than an hour.)

DOCTOR: Here she comes!

TONY: She? Angela, we've got a daughter! (Angela is concentrating too much on the labor to react. Pause and then the second twin cries, setting off the first. Angela cries, too, in relief, exhaustion, and joy.)

MONA: Oh, she's beautiful! They're both beautiful! My baby has beautiful babies!

ANGELA: Mommy! (Mona hands the boy twin to Tony and goes to Angela, cradling Angela's head against her chest, in the way she comforted her in the first season or two.)

MONA: Well done, Dear, very well done. And it's over now.

TONY: Hey there, Little Guy. Sorry I didn't get to meet you earlier, but we had to get your sister here. You gonna be a good big brother? You gonna take care of her?

ANGELA: (a mixture of annoyed, amused, and affectionate) Tony!

DOCTOR: Um, sorry, to interrupt but we're not quite finished here.

ANGELA: Ugh, OK. (Another time dissolve.)

Scene VIII, Angela's private room, awhile later

(Angela is sitting up as comfortably as she can, as Mona and Tony sit by the sides of the bed and hold the twins for her to see.)

TONY: There's your mommy. Isn't she pretty?

ANGELA: Tony, I look horrible.

TONY: (shaking his head) Not to me, not to them.

MONA: Well, I've seen you look better. But you have a good excuse. (Angela rolls her eyes but she knows her mother too well to take the insult personally.) So what are you going to name these two? You said you'd know when you saw them.

ANGELA: (looking at the boy baby that Tony's holding) Anthony M. Micelli of course.

TONY: (both touched and annoyed) Ah, Sweetheart, I love that you want to name him after me, but is "Morton" really something you want to hand down?

ANGELA: Not Morton. Matty, for your father.

TONY: (now just very touched) Oh, Baby, that's perfect!

ANGELA: Mother, I hope you don't mind we're not naming him after Daddy.

MONA: You can name the next boy after Robert. (Angela glares at her and it's clear she is not going through childbirth ever again.) Kidding, kidding! What about this little girl? (She holds up the other baby.)  
ANGELA: Well, I was going to name her after you, but now I'm rethinking that.

MONA: (trying not to show how touched she is) Really?

ANGELA: Yes, Mona M. Micelli.

TONY: Ay-oh, oh-ay, I'm definitely not naming my daughter Morton!

ANGELA: No, the M is for Marie. If that's OK.

TONY: (tearing up again) It's beautiful! You're beautiful! (He leans down and kisses her while still carefully holding their son. Someone knocks.)

RICHARD: (poking his head in) Can we come in?

ANGELA: It depends on who "we" is. If you mean Al and everyone, then no.

SAM: (poking her head in) How about me and Jonathan?

ANGELA: Of course! (Richard holds the door open and the "kids" rush into the room and over to the rest of the family.)

MONA: Samantha, would you like to hold Little Mona?

SAM: Of course! (taking the baby from Mona) Oh, she's beautiful! Hey, Little Sister! I'm gonna take you to the mall when you get big enough.

TONY: Hide the credit cards! (Angela chuckles, then smiles warmly at her daughter and stepdaughter.)

ANGELA: (turning the other way) Tony, let Jonathan hold Tony, Jr.

JONATHAN: Mom, what if I drop him?

TONY: You won't. (He shows Jonathan how to hold a baby.)

JONATHAN: (whispering) Wow!

MONA: Richard, get the camera!

ANGELA: Mother, I look terrible!

TONY: Angela.

MONA: We'll crop you out of the pictures if we have to, but I want all four of my grandkids in one shot. (Sam smiles, touched by this.)

RICHARD: I'll be right back.

JONATHAN: (looking back and forth between the babies) They're so tiny!

ANGELA: Thank God!

SAM: Twins are usually smaller than average. (They all look at her.) I read that in Biology class.

JONATHAN: But they're healthy, right?

TONY: Very healthy.

JONATHAN: And, Mom, you're OK?

ANGELA: Jonathan, I just gave birth.

JONATHAN: No, but I mean, there weren't any complications, were there?

ANGELA: (realizing she needs to reassure him, and touched by his concern) It was as normal as a twin birth to a middle-aged woman could be.

JONATHAN: Good.

SAM: I can't get over it! I mean, we've been talking about this for months, but still. Suddenly there are these two new people in the family!

TONY: (grinning) Yeah, Tony and Mony!

MONA: No, please don't hand that nickname down!

SAM: Hey, Jonathan, swap you.

JONATHAN: OK. (With Tony and Mona's help, Sam and Jonathan trade twins.) Mom, she's got your eyes. But Tony's nose.

TONY: You could not fit this nose on that little face.

JONATHAN: I mean the shape of it.

SAM: Tony, Jr. looks a little like Grandpa Matty.

TONY: Yeah, a little. (Richard pokes his head in again.)

RICHARD: Uh, Angela, I'm sorry to bother you, but Mrs. Rossini invited a priest and she wants me and Mona to get married in the hospital.

MONA: But we're not even Catholic!

RICHARD: (going to her) I know. But she wants us to have a wedding today, especially since we've been living in sin.

MONA: Oh, honestly, this has been the least sinful week of my adulthood.

RICHARD: (going to her) Come on, Darling, let me make an honest woman out of you.

MONA: My matron of honor hasn't even recovered from childbirth yet!

ANGELA: It's OK, Mother. As long as it's a quick ceremony. And as long as someone can loan me a comb. (Sam hands Tony, Jr. to Mona and goes to the door.)

SAM: (bellowing Brooklyn style) Yo, Al, get in here! (Cut to commercial.)

Scene IX, the same set, about half an hour later

(Everyone has crowded into the room, including Father Marconi. Tony and Angela are sitting snuggled up on the hospital bed, holding the twins. Al has given her a simple upsweep.)

TONY: (to Angela) Well, Honey, our oldest kid is getting married.

ANGELA: They grow up so fast. (A silent montage of "Mona moments" interspersed with the wedding, as Father Marconi reads your basic sitcom wedding ceremony lines. Everyone looks at Angela on "speak now," and she smiles sheepishly. The wedding goes smoothly and Richard and Mona kiss, to everyone's applause.)

ARCHIE: (chuckling) I can't wait to hear Mother's reaction to this day.

CORNELIUS: Yeah, she'll have a fit. (Everyone looks at them, most of them in surprise.)  
MONA: (annoyed) Jughead! Cornball!

ARCH &amp; CORN: Sorry, Mony! (Roll closing credits.)


	23. My Bonnie, Part One

_TV Guide_ capsule for Saturday, April 24, 1993:

**9 PM Who's the Boss?—Comedy**

Jonathan graduates from high school and decides it's a good time to reveal his secret.

Scene I: The Harpers' kitchen, a weekday evening in June

(Mona, who has a nice suntan from her two-month honeymoon, is sitting talking with Jonathan, with mugs in front of them.)

JONATHAN: So how was your honeymoon, Grandma? Uh, I mean the travel part.

MONA: Wonderful! We went all through Europe, saw everything we could. Ate everything we could. Danced everywhere we could.

JONATHAN: That sounds nice. Uh, did you visit Nanna in England?

MONA: (sighing) Yes, I had to.

JONATHAN: So what was she up to a few months ago?  
MONA: One of her fiendish schemes. She even got Christy to not answer Angela's phone calls and letters. All so she could test Tony and Angela, mostly Tony, about their potential greed. The old witch still hasn't finalized her will, and you can bet me marrying the president of a sperm bank was about as well received as my engagement to James Earl Jones was 45 years ago.

JONATHAN: Well, I guess money isn't everything.

MONA: Who are you and what have you done with Jonathan Bower?

JONATHAN: Grandma. I like money, but you know, there are other things.

MONA: (teasing) Like love?

JONATHAN: (blushing) I'm not in love with Bonnie. I just really, really like her.

MONA: Uh huh.

JONATHAN: And before you ask, no, we haven't really been alone together since Valentine's weekend.

MONA: I see. (Cut to the living room, where Sam has just come in.)  
SAM: (talking to herself) I'm sure we brought that set of china over when we moved, but if Hank thinks it's still here, I guess I can at least look. (She heads towards the kitchen but pauses when she hears voices. The camera stays with her and we see her silent reactions as she listens at the door.)

MONA: That must've been hard on you, trying to be apart but seeing each other all the time.

JONATHAN: Well, yeah. Especially when I have to keep the relationship a secret. Well, except from you.

MONA: No secret is safe from me, Jonathan. You should know that by now.

JONATHAN: Well, yeah. Thank you for being so accepting.

MONA: Of course. You're my grandson and I want you to be happy.

JONATHAN: Well, I appreciate it. We both do.

MONA: Well, I think you made a good choice for your first serious partner.

JONATHAN: Thank you.

MONA: So are you going to tell your mother?  
JONATHAN: I can't tell Mom! She still thinks of me as a kid. And it's not like it's an ordinary relationship.

MONA: She might surprise you.

JONATHAN: Well, maybe. But the time isn't right yet. Maybe right before I leave home for college.

MONA: If you think that's best, Dear.

JONATHAN: Speaking of home, I've got to go do homework. My last homework for high school.

MONA: OK. One more for the road?

JONATHAN: I don't know, Grandma, your coffee is pretty strong.

MONA: Hey, you're almost a man, you can take it. (Sam backs away from the kitchen door, stunned.)

SAM: (whispering to herself) I don't believe this! Jonathan is gay! (Roll opening credits.)

Scene II: The living room of the apartment over the garage, a few minutes later

(Angela is sitting in a rocking chair with one of her twins, while rocking a cradle with her foot. Someone knocks.)

ANGELA: (definitely not getting up) Come in! (Sam opens the door, steps in, and closes the door behind her.)

SAM: (amused despite her concerns) You never change, do you? Still multi-tasking!

ANGELA: Well, that's inevitable with twins.

SAM: You want some help?

ANGELA: Yes, please. (Sam sits on the floor and rocks the cradle.)

SAM: (looking down at the baby) So is Dad around?  
ANGELA: He went over to the main house to look for decorations for Jonathan's graduation party. Didn't you see him?

SAM: No, I was over at the Harpers' looking for Hank's parents' good china, to use at Jonathan's graduation party.

ANGELA: Oh.

SAM: Um, I didn't find it but I did discover something.

ANGELA: What?

SAM: (still not looking at Angela) Um, I know I shouldn't have been eavesdropping but I couldn't help it.

ANGELA: Sam, you shouldn't tell me anything you found out that way.

SAM: Not even if it's about Jonathan?

ANGELA: Of course not! (pause) Is it something bad?

SAM: (now looking up at Angela) Well, no, not exactly. I mean, I'm surprised, but, no, it's not bad.

ANGELA: Well, then. (She's clearly torn between wanting to respect Jonathan's privacy, and wanting to know.) Was he talking to Mother?

SAM: Yeah. I think she's the only one who knows. Well, besides me.

ANGELA: Oh. And how did she seem to feel about it?

SAM: She's happy for him.

ANGELA: Oh. Is it something to do with school? Like what college he's decided on?

SAM: Uh, no, not school.

ANGELA: Sam, just tell me. You can't just keep dropping hints. It isn't fair!

SAM: Well, from the sound of it, um, I think Jonathan, well, is gay.

ANGELA: Oh!

SAM: Which you know is cool and everything. I've got a couple gay friends I've met in college. But it is surprising when it's your own family, right? Someone you've known for years.

ANGELA: (quietly) Yes.

SAM: Maybe I shouldn't have told you. I don't think he wants you to know.

ANGELA: Oh, that poor boy! Being alone, well, almost alone with this secret. Afraid to tell me!

SAM: Then you didn't suspect it either?

ANGELA: Well, no. I mean, he's dated girls. And he's had so many crushes on girls, and women. But maybe—

SAM: Yeah?

ANGELA: Well, maybe that's why he couldn't make up his mind between Jenny Wittener and Heather Harper. Oh, and we were all pressuring him about it! I feel just terrible now!

SAM: Angela, even if he's gay, he wasn't being fair to them letting that drag—um, not drag, no. (They both laugh self-consciously.)

ANGELA: Anyway, I'll have to find a way to let him know I'm not going to judge him.

SAM: Well, don't tell him I told you!

ANGELA: Of course not.

SAM: Um, what do you think Dad's going to say? (Angela sighs.)  
ANGELA: I don't know. Your father is a mix of old-fashioned and progressive. He loves Jonathan like a son, but that doesn't mean he's going to be comfortable with this. I know if it was Tony, Jr.— (She looks down at the baby in her lap.) It would be different because of the Micelli name not being carried on.

SAM: Well, it's a long time till Tony, Jr. can have kids.

ANGELA: You know what I mean.

SAM: Yeah, and you're right. I honestly don't know how he'll react to Jonathan.

ANGELA: We probably shouldn't tell him. It's Jonathan's secret anyway. (Sam looks at her.) Well, it was supposed to be his secret.

SAM: Right, and I won't say a word to Hank— (She breaks off as Tony comes in.)

TONY: Say a word about what to Hank?  
SAM: Uh, about his parents' china. I couldn't find it.

TONY: That's OK. We can use the Robinson china. I don't think Mona will mind.

ANGELA: No, probably not. (Tony smiles at them all.) What?  
TONY: I don't know, it's just nice. Seeing my kids and my wife together like this. Well, all my kids except Jonathan.

SAM: All the kids of your blood, right?

TONY: Sam, I don't make that kind of distinction, you know that. Jonathan is mine, just like your Angela's, right?

SAM: Right. Well, I should be getting back to the main house. (She stands up and Little Mona starts crying. Tony drops to the ground and starts rocking the cradle.)  
TONY: OK, Sweetheart, see you later. And hello, My Littlest Sweetheart! (He makes a silly face at his baby daughter, who stops crying.)

SAM: Bye, Dad. Bye, Angela. (The two women's eyes meet, promising to keep Jonathan's secret as long as necessary.)

Scene III: The living room of the main house, Jonathan's graduation party

(Guests are milling around. Tony is serving hors d'oeuvres. Mrs. Rossini goes up to Jonathan, who's still wearing his graduation robes, and pinches his cheeks.)

MRS. R: Ay, Mr. Valedictorian! I'm so proud of you!

JONATHAN: (rubbing his sore cheeks) Thanks, Mrs. Rossini. (The doorbell rings.)

SAM: (since she's closest) I'll get it. (She opens the door to Walter, whom we haven't seen since "A Trip to the Principal," almost six years ago.) Um, hello?

WALTER: (mumbling) Hi. I'm Walter.

SAM: Oh, right, I haven't seen you in awhile.

WALTER: Moved away. Got back in touch.

SAM: (thinking she understands) Oh, of course! Come on in, Walter, it's so good to see you! Jonathan will be so glad you made it.

WALTER: Cool.

SAM: Make yourself at home.

WALTER: Thanks. (She goes over to Angela, who's sitting in a comfy chair with one of the babies.)

SAM: (whispering) Hey, Angela, I think that's him.

ANGELA: (whispering back) Who him? What him?

SAM: The boyfriend!

ANGELA: Oh! Um, that's not what I pictured.

SAM: Me neither. But we need to let them know we accept them.

ANGELA: Sam, we can't say anything! Jonathan doesn't want us to know yet.

SAM: OK, OK, I'll just be nice to him.

ANGELA: Not too nice. Don't be obvious about it.

SAM: Trust me, Angela. (yelling) Hey, Walter, let me know if you need anything!

ANGELA: Good, Sam, very subtle.

HANK: So, Jonathan, good valedictorian speech.

JONATHAN: Thanks, I modeled it on your speech for college graduation. Only without the puppets.

HANK: Hey, speaking of puppets, do you want to come back to my show this summer?  
JONATHAN: But you replaced me months ago.

HANK: Yeah, but my assistant's going on vacation in a couple weeks.

JONATHAN: Well, I guess I could fill in. I don't have any definite summer plans. (His eyes follow Bonnie as she takes the plate of hors d'oeuvres from Tony. Hank doesn't notice.)

HANK: Cool, we can talk about it later. I know you want to mingle with your guests.

JONATHAN: Yeah, thanks. (He's about to go over to Bonnie, when Al comes over.)

AL: Hey, Jonathan, speech, speech!

JONATHAN: Al, I gave my speech at graduation.

AL: Nah, not that crap about the meaning of life. I mean something for us, your friends and family.

JONATHAN: Oh, right. Well, I, I guess I can say something.

AL: Ay, listen up, Everybody, Jonathan's gonna make a speech!

JONATHAN: Thanks, Al. (Jonathan clears his throat as everyone gathers around to listen.) Well, first of all, I want to thank you all for coming, and for supporting me over the years. In particular, I want to thank my family. My "big sister Sam," who always called me a geek and a dweeb and of course a nerd, but never stopped being proud of me. My new little brother and sister, for living over the garage, so I could actually study the last couple months. (Everyone laughs good-naturedly.) My grandmother for teaching me more about courage and laughter and fun than I could ever learn in school. My mom for raising me, on her own for a long time, and teaching me to love learning and to be proud of who I am. And of course Tony. My real dad couldn't be here today because he's traveling, but Tony has always been here for me, as my buddy, as my role model, as my coach. In a way, even before Tony married Mom, he was my real dad, too. So thank you all. (Everyone applauds. Then Jonathan sees Bonnie beaming at him.) Um, there's one other person I'd like to thank individually. Someone who has been a true friend to me, and now is something more than a friend. (Almost everyone looks around, wondering who this could be. Tony and Hank look at Jenny and Heather, wondering which girl Jonathan finally chose. Angela and Sam look at Walter and then at each other.) I'd like to thank Bonnie. (She blushes but smiles. Almost everyone is shocked. Then the doorbell rings.)

MONA: (the only calm person in the room) I'll get that. (She opens the door to Michael Bower.) Michael, what a pleasant surprise. (Wayne &amp; Garth style) Not! (Cut to commercial.)

Scene IV: The same set, about ten minutes later

(Most of the guests have left. Richard, Hank, Sam, Al, Jonathan, Bonnie, Tony, Angela, and Michael are sitting around. Mona and Mrs. Rossini are at the front door.)

MONA: (in her hostess persona) Thank you so much for coming, Carmella. Jonathan will open your gift later and send you a thank-you note.

MRS. R: Mona, I don't understand what's goin' on! And why does Al get to stay and I don't?

SAM: (with crossed arms) Al has some explaining to do.

MRS. R: OK, OK. Congratulations, Jonathan! On your graduation and on, well, anyway.

JONATHAN: (quietly) Thanks, Mrs. Rossini. (Mona shoos her out and then shuts the door.)  
ANGELA: Mother, you've also got some explaining to do.

MICHAEL: Would someone please explain it to me? Look, I'm sorry I'm late but better late than never, right?

ANGELA: No, Michael, that's never been right. But I wouldn't expect you to know that.

MICHAEL: Hey, why are you attacking me?

TONY: (putting his hand on Angela's arm) She's not. She's just upset.

MICHAEL: Look, I caught a different flight—

MONA: Michael, not everything is about you.

MICHAEL: OK, what is this about?

RICHARD: Well, they just all found out that Jonathan has been dating Bonnie.

MICHAEL: Bonnie? Who's Bonnie? And for that matter, who are you?

RICHARD: I guess technically I'm your ex-stepfather-in-law.

MICHAEL: Mona, you actually got married and settled down?

MONA: Well, married, yes.

MICHAEL: Uh, congratulations. Now Bonnie who?

SAM: (impatiently) My Bonnie.

MICHAEL: Your Bonnie?

SAM: (pointing) Her! My best friend! Well, she was till she started sneaking around with Jonathan!

MICHAEL: Jonathan, you've been sneaking around with her? (He looks at Bonnie.)

JONATHAN: Well, yeah, but—

MICHAEL: Way to go!

ANGELA: Michael!

TONY: (shaking his head) And all this time, I was waiting for him to work things out with Jenny.

HANK: I was so much out of the loop that I thought he had the hots for Heather.

MICHAEL: (shocked) His stepmother?

HANK: No, Heather Harper, the neighbor girl.

ANGELA: A different blonde airhead Heather.

MICHAEL: Now that is no way to talk about one of my favorite ex-wives.

MONA: Oh, that's right. You got divorced again, didn't you, Michael? I was so sorry to hear that.

MICHAEL: Sure you were, Mona.

MONA: No, really. What happened?

MICHAEL: Not that it's any of your business, but she sort of had a midlife crisis.

ANGELA: Midlife crisis? She's fifteen years younger than you!

MICHAEL: Well, I said sort of. She turned thirty and suddenly she didn't want to be "assistant to Michael Bower" anymore.

ANGELA: Imagine that!

MICHAEL: Hey, at least I'm willing to take a risk and remarry. Unlike you and your "housekeeper" who haven't gotten past an engagement in nine years.

JONATHAN: Um, Dad, they got married last Fall.

MICHAEL: Oh, well, uh, congratulations.

ANGELA: Thank you. (A baby starts crying. She suddenly looks embarrassed.) Excuse me. (She exits quickly, towards the kitchen. Michael looks stunned. The others have trouble hiding their amusement.)

MICHAEL: Tony, you and Angela got married in the Fall?

TONY: (embarrassed) Uh, well, yeah.

MICHAEL: And this is June. Well, I guess you're no longer wasting time, are you?

TONY: (angrily getting to his feet) OK, that's it, Buddy! You're outahere!

JONATHAN: Tony!

SAM: (grabbing his arm) Dad! You can't!

HANK: Yeah, that's Jonathan's dad. (Tony looks like he wants to say something about Jonathan's speech but with difficulty he restrains himself.)

MICHAEL: I get it. You've been wanting to get even ever since I fired you. Well, Micelli, you won. You got my house, my wife, my son.

TONY: Yeah, Bower, the house, the wife, and the son you abandoned.

MICHAEL: I didn't abandon them. Not everyone has a job where they get to stay at home.

JONATHAN: (quietly) Dad, Tony is a teacher now.

MICHAEL: Oh, I didn't know. Uh, sorry, Tony.

TONY: (sitting down again) Apology not accepted.

MONA: Michael, even when he was "just a housekeeper," he was more a part of this family than you ever were.

MICHAEL: Yeah, thank you, Mona. I got the message. But it's funny, isn't it, that even with the doting, attentive family man here, Jonathan managed to have a secret girlfriend for, how long?

JONATHAN: (quietly) Four months.

SAM: Four months?! Since February?

HANK: Oh! That explains Valentine's Weekend.

BONNIE: Um, it started before that.

SAM: Al, did you know about this? Al! (Cut to Al quietly snoring in his chair.) I don't believe this! Mona, nudge him!

MONA: (nudging Al) Hey, Al, wake up, it's your turn.

AL: (yawning) Turn for what?

RICHARD: How could you sleep through all that arguing?

AL: Are you kiddin' me? It was peaceful, like bein' in the old neighborhood.

MICHAEL: Do I want to know how Al fits into this?

HANK: Al is our housemate.

MICHAEL: Whose housemate?

SAM: Mine, Hank's, Bonnie's, and now Jonathan's.

MICHAEL: My seventeen-year-old son lives with a bunch of college students? Why didn't Angela just have him move into a frat house?

AL: (insulted) Ay, I ain't no college student! Well, I went to beauty college, but that ain't the same thing.

MICHAEL: No, it ain't.

HANK: Anyway, Al sleeps upstairs with Jonathan and Bonnie. I mean, not with. It's three bedrooms. Well, four counting the nursery.

AL: I don't sleep with 'em when Bonnie house-sits.

SAM: Yeah, what about that two months of house-sitting? Mona?

MONA: Um, well. (The words "TO BE CONTINUED" appear on the screen. Cut to commercial.)

TONY: (in voiceover) Next week on _Who's the Boss? _(Clips from the next episode appear.)

MICHAEL: Tony, I can talk to my ex-wife about how she's raising our son. (Cut.)

MONA: I told you two, you haven't done anything wrong. (Cut.)

ANGELA: So, Jonathan?

JONATHAN: (nervously) Yeah, Mom?

ANGELA: How exactly did this get started? (Cut.)

ANGELA: If anyone's going to kick out Michael, it'll be me. (Cut.)

JONATHAN: I'm going after her! (Cut. Then roll closing credits.)


	24. My Bonnie, Part Two

_TV Guide_ capsule for Saturday, May 1, 1993:

**9 PM Who's the Boss?—Comedy**

The family continues to react to Jonathan's surprise relationship.

###

TONY: (voiceover) Previously on _Who's the Boss? _(Clips from the previous episode follow.)

ANGELA: Sam, just tell me. You can't just keep dropping hints. It isn't fair!

SAM: Well, from the sound of it, um, I think Jonathan, well, is gay. (Cut.)

MONA: Michael, what a pleasant surprise. (Wayne &amp; Garth style) Not! (Cut.)

MICHAEL: OK, what is this about?

RICHARD: Well, they just all found out that Jonathan has been dating Bonnie. (Cut.)

TONY: (angrily getting to his feet) OK, that's it, Buddy! You're outahere! (Cut.)

Scene I: The living room, shortly after we left off

SAM: Well, Mona? What about you having Bonnie sit in your big empty house for two months, where Jonathan, her secret little boyfriend, could drop in any time?

JONATHAN: (insulted) Little?

MONA: Uh, I plead the Fifth.

MICHAEL: This is ridiculous! (He gets to his feet and strides towards the kitchen.) Angela!

TONY: Michael, you don't wanna go in there.

MICHAEL: Tony, I can talk to my ex-wife about how she's raising our son.

TONY: Yeah, but not in the kitch— (Michael opens the swinging door.)

ANGELA: (annoyed) Michael!

MICHAEL: (embarrassed) Um, sorry, Angela. (He backs out.)

TONY: See, I recognized Tony, Jr.'s nursing cry.

MICHAEL: You didn't tell me that there were twins.

TONY: Yeah, well.

MICHAEL: No wonder she's been neglecting Jonathan.

TONY: Ay-oh, oh-ay, she's a great mother!

MICHAEL: Yeah, maybe for her shiny, new family.

JONATHAN: Dad, this isn't Mom's fault. It's nobody's fault but mine.

BONNIE: Well, and mine.

MONA: I told you two, you haven't done anything wrong.

MICHAEL: Oh, well, if you approve, Mona— (Angela enters from the kitchen.)

ANGELA: Mother, can you and Richard take the twins to your place? And can the rest of you, I don't know, make yourselves scarce?

AL: Ay, I was gonna leave anyway. But before I go, let me say this.

JONATHAN: (dreading the worst) Oh God!

AL: Jonathan is 17. Now if I was 17 and my girlfriend slept a few feet away from me, and then she was house-sittin' next door for a couple months, and she looked like Bonnie, and I was following her around like a puppy for a few months before we got together, and she liked me, too, well, I'd have done more than neck with her. So give the kid some points for restraint.

ANGELA: (shocked) Jonathan! You've been necking with Bonnie? Don't you know what that leads to?

MONA: Switch-blade fights and reefers? VD and insanity?

ANGELA: Mother.

AL: Sounds like my high school.

HANK: Al, I think we should go. Sam?

SAM: I'm not going! It's my friend and my brother! I mean— (She breaks off realizing what she just said. Although they know she's hurt and angry, Bonnie and Jonathan are touched by her slip.)

HANK: (gently) How about Al, Richard, and I take the twins next door? Mona should stay, too.

MONA: (softly) Thank you.

ANGELA: Fine, just go! (more nicely) Please?  
RICHARD: Of course. (He and the two young men head to the kitchen to pick up the twins. This leaves Tony, Angela, Michael, Mona, Sam, and of course Jonathan and Bonnie.)

ANGELA: Michael?

MICHAEL: (stubbornly) I'm not going anywhere.

TONY: (reverting to first-season Brooklyn Tony) Ay, Angela, you want me to give this guy the Jim Peterson treatment?  
ANGELA: (amused despite herself) No, Tony, I don't think that will be necessary. And he is Jonathan's father, even if he decides to exercise that authority sporadically.

MICHAEL: Now, listen, Angela—

ANGELA: No, you listen, Michael. I understand your concerns, and I share some of them. However, this is my house and I expect to be treated with respect.

MONA: You go, Girl! (Sam is amused despite herself.)

ANGELA: Thank you, Mother. In fact, I think we all, myself included, need to show some respect and consideration. So, Jonathan?

JONATHAN: (nervously) Yeah, Mom?

ANGELA: How exactly did this get started?

JONATHAN: Oh, well, it sort of started when you hired Bonnie as a maid, though I guess I had a little crush on her before then. But it was really when she got upset that I might help Bueller cheat on a History test—

TONY: History test? My History test?

JONATHAN: I didn't go through with it. Grandma did one of her reverse psychology things on me and I realized I couldn't cheat. And then after that, I don't know, I just liked Bonnie more and more, and she was here almost every day and it just happened.

SAM: It?

BONNIE: We got closer without even realizing it. I'd always thought of him as sort of your kid brother, but the age difference didn't matter as much as it used to. Well, it matters but less.

ANGELA: Bonnie, you're 20, and Jonathan's only 17!

TONY: CoughIngridcough!

ANGELA: Tony, that's different! And I didn't know you were eleven.

MICHAEL: Excuse me?

MONA: They were each other's first kisses, thirty years ago this summer. Isn't it amazing how you were just a detour from Fate?

MICHAEL: Thanks, Mona.

SAM: Why didn't you just tell us? Sneaking around only made things worse!

BONNIE: We thought you'd disapprove.

SAM: Well, it is a little weird but— (laughing) You're not much older than Walter.

MICHAEL: Who the hell is Walter?

ANGELA: (embarrassed) Jonathan's friend from junior high. He was held back a grade and Jonathan skipped a grade. Then he went off to military school and we hadn't seen him in six years.

JONATHAN: What does Walter have to do with anything?

SAM: Um, Angela and I thought you were gay.

TONY: No, that was just some jerky thing Zack said to Jenny. Last week she finally told me why she hit him right before the state play-offs.

MICHAEL: Can I have a program? I can't tell all the players. (They all ignore him.)

JONATHAN: So, wait a minute, you two thought I was dating Walter, a former juvenile delinquent, and you were being nice to him? But the minute you find out I'm dating Bonnie, a girl you both love like family, then you're mad at me? And her?

ANGELA: Um, we didn't want to seem intolerant. (Everyone starts laughing, and it eases the tension some.)

TONY: OK, now hold on, you two didn't tell anybody but Mona and Al?

BONNIE: We never talked to Al about it, but, um, I guess he was less distracted than everyone else and he had more opportunity to notice.

SAM: (shaking her head) I was sure oblivious. Otherwise, I wouldn't have suggested that Hank and I move into the downstairs bedroom.

JONATHAN: Yeah, and we didn't know how to make you change your mind. So it got a little, um, hormonally intense upstairs.

TONY: Hard to believe, huh, Angela?

ANGELA: Tony.

MONA: So when Bonnie asked for help, I suggested she house-sit, to give her and Jonathan some space. Separate space.

MICHAEL: And nothing went on at Mona's? I mean between Jonathan and Bonnie.

JONATHAN: (embarrassed) Bonnie wants to wait till I'm 18.

ANGELA: Oh, well, good. Um, thank you, Bonnie, for not seducing my son. Yet.

TONY: An-gel-a.

SAM: And thank you, Jonathan, for not seducing my friend. Yet.

MONA: Samantha.

ANGELA: Mother, how could you keep this secret all this time?

MONA: Well, Dear, it wasn't my secret. Besides, I was away on my honeymoon soon after I found out, and I couldn't see putting this in a postcard.

ANGELA: Wait a minute. Mother, you've been back almost a week. That means that Bonnie is no longer house-sitting for you.

MONA: Very good deduction, Angela.

TONY: Ay, what's been going on upstairs this week?

JONATHAN: Nothing, I swear!

BONNIE: But it is getting hormonally tense again.

JONATHAN: Well, yeah.

TONY: Angela, what are we gonna do about this? Even if we let them keep seeing each other, we can't let them sleep down the hallway from each other. (Mona and Sam laugh.) Ay, this is different!

MONA: Yeah, they're not in seven years of denial.

ANGELA: I don't know, Tony. This isn't something I ever expected.

JONATHAN: Well, I'm going off to college in the Fall, so—

TONY: That's two or three months away.

MICHAEL: Maybe Jonathan should come visit me this summer.

ANGELA: And then what about holidays? Is he supposed to spend them with you?  
MICHAEL: Doesn't Bonnie have a family of her own? Or do all your housekeepers end up staying here permanently? (Tony glares at him.)

MONA: I have an idea. But you're not going to like it.

TONY: Who's not gonna like it?

MONA: Well, probably none of you. I don't like it myself, but it's not my idea.

ANGELA: I can't wait to hear this.

MONA: Well, you know that I visited Nanna— (She glances at Michael, and decides it's not worth going into all the stuff about the will in front of him.) To clear up certain matters. And she said she would love to have her oldest great-grandchild stay with her for a year. She'd even pay for him to go to a university there.

ANGELA: A British university?  
MONA: A prestigious British university. So if Jonathan's safely away at Oxford or Cambridge or wherever, then that'll keep him out of Bonnie's pan— (She censors herself) Arms.

JONATHAN: Grandma, why didn't you tell me this before?  
MONA: I didn't think you'd want to leave your home and everything.

JONATHAN: Well, I don't, but I still have a right to know what Nanna is offering.

MONA: If she's not scheming as usual.

JONATHAN: Wow, Oxford! Cambridge!

MICHAEL: Sounds like quite an opportunity, Sport.

ANGELA: Michael.

MICHAEL: I understand. If you'd rather have him go to Ridgemont—

TONY: Ay, what's wrong with Ridgemont?  
SAM: Yeah!

ANGELA: Michael, those are not his only two options. He could go to Harvard or NYU or—

MICHAEL: That's good, Angela. Keep him tied to your apron strings. We see how well that's worked out.

TONY: Ay, wait a minute—

ANGELA: Tony, I can handle this.

TONY: OK, but I've got your back, Baby.  
ANGELA: Thank you. Really. Michael, one minute you think I'm a neglectful mother and the next you think I'm overprotective.

MICHAEL: Maybe because one minute you're neglectful and the next you're overprotective.

MONA: Hey, listen, Bub—

MICHAEL: When I asked for custody, I knew this might happen.

SAM: You knew he would he date Bonnie?

MICHAEL: No, Samantha, I knew that Angela would continue to alternate being wrapped up in her career and overcompensating by smothering Jonathan. And then she hires some guy off the street, or off the streets I should say, to pick up the pieces.

SAM: My father is a much better dad than you'll ever be, and if he doesn't kick you out, I will!

ANGELA: Samantha.

SAM: I'm sorry, Angela, but—

ANGELA: If anyone's going to kick out Michael, it'll be me.

MONA: Aw, can I do it? Please? It's my birthday next month.

TONY: Ay, ay, I'm the one who should do it! I'm the man of the house and it's my job.

MICHAEL: (getting to his feet) It's OK. I can see myself out. Jonathan, my offer to visit California still stands.

JONATHAN: Thanks, Dad. I'll, I'll call you next week.

MICHAEL: Great. Angela, as always, it's been a pleasure. (He exits out the front door. The family watches him go and don't notice Bonnie slipping out to the kitchen.)

TONY: Do you believe that guy?

JONATHAN: Well, he's my dad and he means well.

TONY: I know, and I'm sorry but he knows just how to get to me.

ANGELA: Me, too.

MONA: Count me in.

SAM: Yeah, he's not exactly my favorite Bower.

MONA: Jonathan, I'm sorry about Nanna's offer. I didn't mean to add to your problems.

JONATHAN: No, it's OK. It is tempting. But I couldn't leave Bonnie. (He turns to smile at her and then notices she's gone.) Bonnie!

SAM: She was just here a minute ago.

MONA: Maybe she went in the kitchen to get a snack. (They all get to their feet to go to the kitchen. Cut to commercial.)

Scene II: The kitchen, soon after

(Mona, Tony, Angela, Sam, and Jonathan rush in.)

SAM: There's a note! (She points to a napkin on the table. Jonathan grabs it and they all gather around to read it.)

JONATHAN: Do you mind? (They ad-lib apologies and back off a little but they're curious) I'm going after her! (He throws the napkin on the table.)

ANGELA: (As Jonathan dashes outside) Sweetheart, wait!

TONY: Uh, do you think we should read the note? Or respect his privacy?

MONA: (with no such scruples, she grabs the napkin and reads it out loud) _"Oh, blow ye winds over the ocean."_

TONY: OK, that's the weirdest Dear John letter I've ever heard of.

ANGELA: No, Tony, it's a poem. I think.

SAM: I think it's a song.

TONY: Well, you're the future music producer, Honey.

SAM: No, an old song.

ANGELA: It's Bob Dylan! The answer is blowing in the wind!

SAM: No, but I think it is a folk song, even older than that. (Mona starts humming.)

ANGELA: Mother, please, we're trying to think.

MONA: Angela. That's the song.

TONY: What song?  
MONA: (singing) O blow ye winds over the ocean,

And blow the winds o'er the sea  
Oh blow the winds o'er the ocean  
And bring back my Bonnie to me.

SAM: (getting it) "My Bonnie lies over the ocean."

ANGELA: But Jonathan is the one who might be going over the ocean.

MONA: It might be a suicide note.

TONY: Suicide?!

MONA: (singing again) Last night as I lay on my pillow  
Last night as I lay on my bed  
Last night as I lay on my pillow  
I dreamt that my Bonnie was dead.

SAM: Mona, don't be such a ghoul!

MONA: I'm not the one who wrote the note.

ANGELA: Well, whatever it means, Jonathan clearly understood it. And he went after her. So instead of standing around debating it, we should be going after them. (The sound of Jonathan's car starting up.)  
MONA: Or we could wait 24 hours and put out missing persons reports for both of them. (Angela rushes to the door, but from her body language, she's too late. Tony comes over and hugs her.)  
TONY: He'll be OK.

MONA: They both will.

ANGELA: I feel so guilty. I wasn't supportive and accepting.

SAM: I know. I always wanted her to find a nice guy. I just didn't think it would be him. (Angela nods. The four of them all hug. And then the babies start crying.)

Scene III: An Italian restaurant in New Haven, about half an hour later

(Bonnie is sitting at a table, reading a menu, when Jonathan enters.)  
WAITER: Your usual table, Sir?

JONATHAN: (grinning as he spots Bonnie) Yes, thank you.

BONNIE: (looking up and smiling) Drat, you found me.

JONATHAN: (sitting down) It was a tough clue. But I remembered when we came here on our second real date and we got silly and sang meatball songs.

BONNIE: (singing to the tune of "My Bonnie," with Jonathan joining in after a couple lines) My dad is a very fine fellow,  
You can tell by the lift of his chin;  
But whenever that man bends his elbow,  
Oh, boy, how the meatballs roll in.  
Roll in, roll in,  
Oh, boy, how the meatballs roll in, roll in;  
Roll in, roll in,  
Oh, boy, how the meatballs roll in!

JONATHAN: Yeah, and "On Top of Spaghetti."

BONNIE: All covered with cheese.

JONATHAN: I don't want to lose my poor meatball.

BONNIE: Well, I don't want to lose my noodle.

JONATHAN: So what are we going to do?

BONNIE: Well, I'm ordering wine and hoping they don't card us.

JONATHAN: You're such a bad influence. (Part of Billy Joel's "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant" plays over the closing credits. But then there's a sudden interruption.)

TONY: (in voiceover) An-gel-a!

Scene IV, Tony and Angela's apartment bedroom in Iowa, one summer morning in 1993

(Tony and Angela are lying in bed together.)

TONY: Angela, out of all your crazy dreams this past year, that one was the craziest.

ANGELA: I know, I know.

TONY: I mean, don't get me wrong, Scheherazade. I've enjoyed your stories, especially the ones where we can't keep our hands off each other.

ANGELA: Those are the most realistic dreams.

TONY: (stroking her arm) Yeah. But thank God we're moving back to Connecticut and you can stop worrying about Jonathan.

ANGELA: Do you think that's what it is? Guilt over leaving my son so long?  
TONY: Probably. I've had dreams where Sam has dropped out of college to manage Al's band, and Al isn't even playing music anymore.

ANGELA: Right. (shaking her head) I can't believe this year is finally over.

TONY: Well, thank you for seeing it to the end.

ANGELA: Of course. We made a deal. And thank you for refusing to extend your contract.

TONY: Well, that was my part of the deal. One year in Iowa and now I can go back East and take that teaching job in New York.

ANGELA: Mmm, New York.

TONY: Is that where you'd rather stay?

ANGELA: (going Gabor) I get allergic smelling hay. (turning serious again) No, really, Tony, Iowa is lovely, flat but lovely. But I miss the Connecticut countryside as much as I miss Manhattan.

TONY: Yeah, I miss Brooklyn.

ANGELA: Then I think you're going to be very happy at Brooklyn College.

TONY: Me, too. And I think you'll be happy being back at the Bower Agency every day.

ANGELA: Yes. Unless I end up having twins.

TONY: That would be nice. But I think we should get married first.

ANGELA: (doing a Southern belle voice) Why, Mr. Micelli, this is so sudden!

TONY: Come on, Angela, we agreed, we'll have a big wedding when we get back home.

ANGELA: I just wanted to make sure you hadn't changed your mind.

TONY: You kiddin' me? (They kiss. The closing credits roll for real this time, with stills of their big wedding.)

THE END OF SEASON NINE


End file.
